Bill_Vin_Afton_Sr

[ponds-of-ink]

So here we are.

The “spookiest” month of the year.

What better time to give you something I have been working on?

Do not worry about its contents. It is completely drinkable.

— @themanbehindthepurpleman

…Sir, Pond Creatures have no visible mouths.

The best I can do is to absorb it by dunking it over my head.

Like so.

Now, if you don’t mieow

…Mrow?

(Pond Cat blog event is now up and running. Feel free to talk to Cat Pond while I [OOC] go try to figure out the cure.)

[themanbehindthepurpleman]

There.

That should keep you quiet for a while longer.

..About my son, of course.

This brew cannot prevent you from “talking”, catlike though it will be.

Consider it a last minute courtesy.

[themanbehindthepurpleman]

I hear it is almost October.

The time of spooks, and tricks, and such else.

I believe I have something like that in mind for one of more frequent questioners.

“Stay tuned”, as the youths say.

[themanbehindthepurpleman]

Welcome back…? I guess…?

How in the world did—?

…Never mind, I’ve got a better question to ask.

Did you hear about anyone named Ralph? Some secondhand reports just came out about his time at Freddy Fazbear’s, so I was wondering if you had any ghostly inputs of your own.

I hardly had any encounters with this “Fazbear Entertainment. Both in life and after death.

The only time I spent there was one night in that hazy realm between the middle of the 1980s and the dawn of the 1990s. Someone thought it would be “nice” to take my fellow Nursery Home attendees out for a dinner and a show.

It was not nice, in fact.

The lights were obnoxious. The voices chosen for the automations were grating. Even these so-called “games” on display were mere dots in a sea of pitch blackness. The only saving grace was this long-haired “youngster” (for lack of a better term) who had to shut off the robots and draw the curtains. There was some talk about a malfunction from the wait staff, yet I paid no mind to their reasonings back then.

Perhaps I should have, given the timing of it all.

What an absolute disgrace of a gimmick-laden restaurant..

[ponds-of-ink]

Well, very sorry to hear that. I guess the diner was a bit too “newfangled” for you.

Hold on. You met Dave, but not Ralph? How’d that happen?

[themanbehindthepurpleman]

Dave was the name of that long-haired interloper?

I will keep that in mind, then.

If that mere question did not make it obvious, we never truly met. It was just that brief moment that I have already described.

Ralph, on the other hand, is an absolute stranger to me. My best assumption is that his job— whatever it was—did not interfere with the wait staff.

I am sure I did not lose anything by “missing out on” this random individual. Nor did I lose anything by not talking with Dave myself. I have no regrets in keeping out of their businesses.

[themanbehindthepurpleman]

Welcome back…? I guess…?

How in the world did—?

…Never mind, I’ve got a better question to ask.

Did you hear about anyone named Ralph? Some secondhand reports just came out about his time at Freddy Fazbear’s, so I was wondering if you had any ghostly inputs of your own.

I hardly had any encounters with this “Fazbear Entertainment. Both in life and after death.

The only time I spent there was one night in that hazy realm between the middle of the 1980s and the dawn of the 1990s. Someone thought it would be “nice” to take my fellow Nursery Home attendees out for a dinner and a show.

It was not nice, in fact.

The lights were obnoxious. The voices chosen for the automations were grating. Even these so-called “games” on display were mere dots in a sea of pitch blackness. The only saving grace was this long-haired “youngster” (for lack of a better term) who had to shut off the robots and draw the curtains. There was some talk about a malfunction from the wait staff, yet I paid no mind to their reasonings back then.

Perhaps I should have, given the timing of it all.

What an absolute disgrace of a gimmick-laden restaurant..

[themanbehindthepurpleman]

Good morning, everyone.

I have returned with an extremely brief update.

My rotten son is back home. With me, of course.

That “ball pit rabbit” was a mere pest.

[themanbehindthepurpleman]

*A paper airplane is thrown through your window (or any similar substitute) if you unfold it you'll find a note*

"Just give it a vacuum and let it do its thing and its probably harmless"

*the other side reads*

"IDK if its harmless don't sue me"

A vacuum?

Are you implying that this creature also delights in performing household chores?

..This thing must be a shapeshifting fae..

(Nonetheless, he fires two more paintballs. Whatever it is, it’s definitely getting closer.)

[themanbehindthepurpleman]

Oh, no, there’s still a “wolf”.

It’s just been… bizarrely dormant.

Stay safe, though. I think it’s just going after something else before it finds him.

Interesting.

I wonder what would happen if

(He then halts his keyboard typing, readies his paintball gun, fires a shot or two in the dark.)

(He hears something, but it’s a few rooms away.)

Ha.

It relies on sound.

Let me see if it can handle something more.. noisy.

[themanbehindthepurpleman]

What? You just let her go without letting William say goodbye?

No “Goodbye, Elizabeth, my dear :[“?

C’mon, Bill. If you want your son to get better, you’ve got to let him actually show concern and stuff. :/

Firstly, his farewell would be more akin to:

“Goodbye, Elizabeth.. My dearest Lizzy..”

Secondly, Little Miss ‘I Will Shout Until My Would-Be Lungs Gave Out’, why are you so nonchalant now?

Did you cry wolf after all this time?

Or was there no wolf to begin with?

[themanbehindthepurpleman]

Hello again, people of this webbed site.

There is a concert at my house about to start.

I was wondering if you could join my son and I.

I am aware that this is short notice.

At least I can assure you that refreshments may be provided.

If need be, there may be song requests you can drop in my inbox.

…Within reason, of course.

[princesslizzyfnafton]

*she reappears* I'm back! OH! I'm simply so excited!!!!!! Do you like my dress? *she spins, smiling*

[themanbehindthepurpleman]

It is very nice, Elizabeth.

(*Bill signals to William, who now looks a bit nervous. Nevertheless, he gets up from the piano bench. Bill takes his place.*)

We are about to start, regardless of who else artibes.

[princesslizzyfnafton]

*she sits in a nearby seat, grinning and giving double thumbs up to William*

[themanbehindthepurpleman]

(*Bill clears his throat.*)

We shall begin with the oldest song first.

Or, at the very least, its opening section.

“A Wandering Minstrel, I” from Gilbert and Sullivan’s The Mikado.

In its original key of F Major.

As the rest of our audience will most likely be reading instead of listening, I have installed something that will transcribe the lyrics he sings.

[princesslizzyfnafton]

*she applauds in advance*

( @williamfazbin )

[themanbehindthepurpleman]

(*William gives her an acknowledging nod, then prepares himself. Bill, assuming that the other guests will arrive in a few minutes, begins to play the song’s instrumental. William sings the following, though the high notes are a bit strained:*)

A wandering minstrel I—

A thing of shreds and patches,

Of ballads, songs and snatches,

And dreamy lullaby!

My catalogue is long,

Through every passion ranging,

And to your humours changing

I tune my supple song

I tune my supple song…

(*Bill winces at his son’s high notes, but follows through to the end of the verse. He plays an interlude as William recovers.*)

[princesslizzyfnafton]

*she smiles at her father*

[themanbehindthepurpleman]

(*William bows towards her. Bill decides to ignore the gesture and focus on his piano work.. Even if there might be guests quietly slipping in at the moment.*)

The next song is much more obscure.

Thankfully, the both of us know it quite well.

(*William straightens up. He attempts to refrain from adjusting his tie.*)

And I think, once you read and/or hear the lyrics, you will see why I picked it.

It is “Poor Little Me” by Benny Davis, circa 1922.

In the original key of E Flat Major.

Some changes have been made to streamline the song, while others are more… drastic.

(*He mutters something to William about “First Verse, Chorus 1, Second Verse, Chorus 2, Chorus 3”. Then, after another sign of acknowledgment, Bill begins to play.*)

[princesslizzyfnafton]

*she smiles and giggles*

[themanbehindthepurpleman]

(*William takes note of his current audience-of-one. He leans over the edge of the piano and pouts a bit.*)

I don't like to complain

But I think it's a shame

I don't know what the word love means

Ev'ry one I know

Has someone they love so

I've been forgotten it seems..

(*He leans more into the role, letting his voice ‘crack’ as the chorus swings in.*)

Poor little me!

Always lonesome and sad!

Poor little me— Always getting in bad!

No matter what I do or say,

Somehow I'm always in the way—

By thunder! I wonder

Will my luck change some day?

I've tried to be just as nice as I should

But I can see there's no fun being good!

I sit at home but no one calls

I'm tired of looking at the four bare walls

Oh, don’t you feel sorry

For poor little me?

(*He looks at his father with large “tearful” eyes. Bill simply glares. William, sensing much irritation, returns to his original singing stance. He goes into the second verse much more restrained.*)

Good luck passes me by

I keep wondering why—

Seems I just can't go on this way

I keep dreaming of

Somebody I could love!

I hope it comes true someday!

(*He then returns to leaning against the piano edge, this time placing the back of his hand against his face. He repeats the chorus [Which I will not type again because of time], but turns ‘snippy’ when the change in the second version comes:)

Nobody ever takes me out

They say I don't know what it's all about

So don't you feel sorry

For poor little me—?

(*Bill intensifies the lower parts of his piano playing. A twinge of fear enters William’s voice as he goes into the newly-penned “Chorus 3”:*)

Poor little me!

Always loathsome and sad! Poor little me—

Always getting in bad… No matter what you do or say, Somehow I’ll always ruin your day By thunder! No wonder My luck won’t change today!

I thought I’d be

Just as nice as I should

But I can see

That I’ll never be good!

Just keep me under lock and key

Or else I’ll be your source of agony— Oh, don’t you feel sorry

For poor little me!

(*Bill finished with a ragtime flourish. William is no longer smiling or leaning on the piano.*)

[princesslizzyfnafton]

*Elizabeth smiles and laughs at the theatrics, but frowns when she notices her father's fear. She claps hesitantly*

[themanbehindthepurpleman]

(*Bill adjusts himself on the bench. He seems to only be interested how controlled his son is.*)

Now that we have performed the songs I wanted, I suppose it is time for requests.

I believe there was someone who stopped by to drop off a letter?

Yes, sir. I spotted an envelope while you were playing an interlude.

Then I will play that request first.

Other requests will follow shortly.

Including yours, Elizabeth.

[princesslizzyfnafton]

Daddy, you did great! *she leaps from her chair and gives him a hug* and your piano playing is stupendous, Grandfather!

( @williamfazbin )

[williamfazbin]

Will is clapping respectfully and smiling. Enjoying the show as well.

[themanbehindthepurpleman]

(*Bill turns his head. His expression warms up a bit.*)

Ah, Will.

Good to see you again.

You missed the first two— Well, three by now— songs.

However, you have come just in time for song requests.

[williamfazbin]

"I haven't seen most of the Mikado

But, can you do 'ive got a little list?' "

He pulls out a little rolled up thing in his pocket,it unrolls to a good 6 feet.

[themanbehindthepurpleman]

(*Bill gawks for a moment. He looks at his son and @princesslizzyfnafton with a closed-mouth stupor.*)

William, do you know this number?

I know we both made an effort to study The Mikado, but ah…

(*William’s eyes widen at the paper on the floor. However, he regains his composure rather quickly.*)

I think I can manage.

What key is it in?

(*Bill peers over Will’s shoulder.*)

E Flat Major, I believe.

And which version?

(*Bill skims again, but stops.*)

There are more versions?

To keep with the times and satire of the era, yes.

(Bill looks at Will with an unnaturally concerned look.)

I… assume the original…?

[williamfazbin]

"I can bring up a modem version if you wish."

He's searching now.

Be prepared.

[themanbehindthepurpleman]

Yes, please.

This I have to see.

(*William nods with a renewed light in his eyes. He cautiously approaches the pair, keeping in mind his broader build.*)

[williamfazbin]

He's searching for the right version.

[williamfazbin]

He finds a version

Song by a baby. And government agents.

[themanbehindthepurpleman]

(*Bill looks on in distinterest while William battles the urge to snigger at the more general-in-tone lines.*)

There is a child here, Will.

That is true, but now I think my creative spark has flourished a little. Surely we can reach a compromise? Have me merge the two like some Frankensteinian creation? Live productions do change the lyrics on-the-fly, if I recall.

(*Bill sighs in disappointment.*)

It is Will’s final decision.

[williamfazbin]

"it's a cartoon.

And apparently all just a dream. But I understand. There's more modem versions."

[themanbehindthepurpleman]

(*Bill mutters dismissively as William skims the list of variants. He murmurs a bar or two, almost as if penning his own set aloud:*)

There’s someone behind the news reporter acting like a fool

And the Mimic who insists “I’ve got you on my list”

And the people who eat peppermint.. with no regard for proper rules?

(Who puffs out peppermint into people’s faces…?) They never would be missed.. They never would be missed….

[williamfazbin]

"good so far."

[themanbehindthepurpleman]

(William grins at his counterpart [though it’s unclear if he knows it’s a counterpart or not].)

Thank you, sir. I try my best whenever the opportunity presents itself—

(Bill snatches the list from Will and closes it. He glares pointedly at William.)

Your best must be ours, then.

I will not stand for wasting any more time.

Sing the original and tweak when needed.

(William follows behind Bill while stammering something intelligible. Bill calmly sits back down at the piano bench.)

If you are so good at improvisation, then you must prove yourself worthy.

(Without any further warnings, Bill plays the opening interlude. William gives an apologetic look towards @princesslizzyfnafton and Will, then gets into position.)

[williamfazbin]

Will is just watching and smiling. Enjoying the conflict a smidge.

[themanbehindthepurpleman]

(Bill finishes the interlude and segues into the main section. William assumes a dignified, stoic attitude; then begins:)

As some day it may happen that a victim must be found

I've got a little list — I've got a little list

Of society offenders who might (as) well be underground

And who never would be missed —

Who never would be missed!

(A slight pause, as to be expected. However, William manages to stay on time— Which, ironically, makes Bill a bit late.)

There's the pestilential nuisances who beg for photographs—

All people who have flabby hands

and irritating laughs —

(As he keeps going, he pulls out a pair of opera gloves from his jacket pocket and slips them on. Considering the lack of an extra-rosy face, this was probably a planned “sight gag”— as one might say.)

All people who are explain the jokes that makes ‘em all fall flat —

All persons who in shaking hands, shake hands with you like that —

(He promptly shakes Bill’s hand very harshly. Bill winces afterwards, but recovers quickly.)

And all third persons who on spoiling tête-á-têtes insist —

“They’d none of them be missed!

They’d none of them be missed!”

(Bill echoes with his rendition of the choir section. William simply bobs his head along with the rhythm, though his eyes are practically lit up.)

[princesslizzyfnafton]

Elizabeth giggles at their antics, smiling widely.

[themanbehindthepurpleman]

(William maintains his composure. He resumes singing, now with a slightly more polished version of the lyrics he mumbled before:)

There’s the one behind the news reporter acting like a fool

And the Mimic who insists— “I’ve got you on my list”

And the people who eat peppermint While disregarding proper rules

They never would be missed!

They never would be missed!

(Bill nearly does the chorus part again, but William bulldozes right past it— As there is no chorus until the end, this is a possibly smart decision.)

Then the saddest fool who praises, with enthusiastic tone

All livelihoods but his and every person but his own

And while we’re on the subject, even I may get a whack

For ending my old title with a sorry “fade-to-black”—

Plus that singular anomaly—

My witness tamper-ist

I don’t think they’ll be missed

I’m sure he won’t be missed

(Bill ignores William’s own pointed glares during the “witness-tamper-ist” and “he won’t be missed”. On goes the chorus section again, just as planned.)

(@williamfazbin, in case you missed this)

[themanbehindthepurpleman]

(William, sensing the same tension as @princesslizzyfnafton, decides to return to the original. With slightly grit teeth, he resumes:)

And that Nisi Prius nuisance,

who just now is rather rife The judicial “humorist” —

I've got him on the list

All funny fellows, comic men,

and clowns of private life —

They'd none of 'em be missed —

they'd none of 'em be missed And apologetic statesmen of a compromising kind, Such as… What d'ya call him? Thing'em-bob, and likewise— Never-mind! And 'St— 'st— 'st— and What's-his-name, and also You-know-who —

(Another pointed glare at his father, though calling him a “statesman” would be far-fetched. But before the glare is returned, William moves on.)

The task of filling up the blanks I'd rather leave to you But it really doesn't matter whom you put upon the list For they'd none of 'em be missed — they'd none of 'em be missed!

(One last chorus from the piano, then a rather sharp crescendo ends the song. Bill rests while William gives a restrained bow.)

[princesslizzyfnafton]

Elizabeth grins and claps wildly. "Bravo! You both did splendidly!"

[themanbehindthepurpleman]

(William mouths a “thank you” to both both Elizabeth and @williamfazbin. Bill, on the other hand, simply nods before getting up from his seat. He walks over to the front door and stops in front of some envelopes. He clicks his tongue, then picks the papers up one by one.)

It appears that we have been delaying many a request.

If you have any suggestions, Elizabeth, then you will have to wait a little longer.

(He walks back to the piano and opens up the first envelope..)

[princesslizzyfnafton]

"That is quite all right, Grandfather." She swings her feet playfully. "I'm very happy just listening to you play and Daddy sing!"

[themanbehindthepurpleman]

(Time passes as William and Bill cover the requests. Bill then talks with @williamfazbin before returning his attention to Elizabeth.)

We are finally ready for your request.

My apologies.

[princesslizzyfnafton]

She practically vibrates at the attention "Can we do Under the Sea? From The Little Mermaid?"

[themanbehindthepurpleman]

(William’s eyes light up.)

Can we, Father? Please, oh, please, can we?

(Bill looks at Elizabeth and William. He contemplates.)

I am more dumbfounded that you are also begging for this, William.

I thought you would be dreading that song after rewinding that V-H-S one too many times.

(William, despite his situation, is offended.)

I? Dreading Under The Sea? What non—!

(He catches himself.)

What I mean to say is, I do not mind that song. Yes, it did get a bit tiring after a while back then. But that is the thing— That tiredness was practically decades ago.

So, please, let me sing this song for her. It is the least I can do.

(Bill huffs defeatedly.)

Very well.

Just give me a minute to remember its time signatures.

[princesslizzyfnafton]

Elizabeth giggles at the pair's bickering, touched that William wasn't bored of the song his Elizabeth loved so much.

[themanbehindthepurpleman]

(It takes a lot longer than expected [Bill was never good with odd time signatures], but they were finally ready. After a jumpy interlude, William attempts his best Sebastian accent…)

The seaweed is always greener

In somebody else's lake

You dream about going up there

But that is a big mistake

Just look at the world around you

Right here on the ocean floor

Such wonderful things surround you

What more are you looking for?

Under the sea, under the sea

Darlin' it's better down where it's wetter—

Take it from me!

Up on the shore, they work all day

Out in the sun, they slave away

While we devotin' full time to floatin'

Under the sea—

(As Bill continues to battle the reggae rhythm, William winces suddenly. It looks like something has given him a headache, but not even he knows what that something is..)

[princesslizzyfnafton]

*Elizabeth's delighted giggles stop suddenly as soon as William winces* Daddy? Are you all right?

[themanbehindthepurpleman]

(Elizabeth’s voice seems to soften the pain enough. William signals for his father to slow down.)

It’s just a bit of a headache, dear. I’ve… gotten through much worse.

(Bill, though fully aware of the warning he received a moment ago, nods in agreement. He resumes his playing as William resumes the song.)

Down here all the fish are happy As off through the waves they roll The fish on the land ain't happy They’ sad cause they’ in their bowl But fish in the bowl is lucky They in for a worse-er fate One day when the boss gets hungry Guess who's gon' be on the plate? Uh-oh!

(As if to tempt fate itself, a few of the candle-lit fixtures go out on cue. The more modern objects simply flicker as William keeps going.)

Under the sea, under the sea

Nobody beats us—

Fry us and eat us in fricassee

We’ what the land folks loves to cook

Under the sea, we’ off the hook

We got no troubles, life is the bubbles!

(Bill “chimes” in by adding in the ensemble to his piano playing. He seems unfazed by the chill in the air, while his son’s eyes are starting to have a manic tinge to them.)

Under the sea Under the sea Since life is sweet here We got the beat here naturally Even the sturgeon and the ray They get the urge 'n' start to play We got the spirit, you got to hear it Under the sea

[princesslizzyfnafton]

*Elizabeth claps enthusiastically, a tinge of concern in her eyes as she rises from her seat to go to William's side.* Are you ok? I know you've been through much worse, but you shouldn't have to suffer anymore. You've suffered enough, I think....

[themanbehindthepurpleman]

(Bill quiets down his piano playing. He turns just enough to lock eyes with Elizabeth.)

He will be “okay” soon enough.

I will explain once your song is over.

(William, on the other hand, decides to include Elizabeth in the routine. They do a little dance as he sings the faster-paced bridge section. His pupils do look a bit strange, but his happyexpression seems a lot more geniune.)

The newt play the flute

The carp play the harp

The plaice play the bass

And they soundin' sharp

The bass play the brass

The chub play the tub

The fluke is the duke of soul

The ray he can play

The lings on the strings

The trout rockin' out

The blackfish she sings

The smelt and the sprat,

they know where it's at

An' oh that blowfish blow!

(He lifts Elizabeth into his arms, hoisting her into the air. They spin for a moment as Bill plays the interlude. For a second, it almost feels like the ominous sensation is winding down… Only a little.)

[princesslizzyfnafton]

Okay, Grandfather!

*she giggles, feeling a bit like Ariel during their dance. She hugs William as soon as he picks her up*

[themanbehindthepurpleman]

(William is a smidge surprised by the hug, but he welcomely accepts it. Unfortunately, this means that he misses his Segway into the key change. At least he recovers with some gusto as he spins Elizabeth around again.)

—Under the sea!

Under the sea

When the sardine begin the beguine,

It's music to me

What do they got? A lot of sand? We’ce got a hot crustacean band! Each little clam here know how to jam here Under the sea Each little slug here, cuttin' a rug here Under the sea

(He sets Elizabeth down, then lets his father start up the finale. With his final burst of energy, William clambers onto the top of the piano.)

Each little snail here

Knows how to wail here

That's why it's hotter

Under the water

Yeah. we’re in luck here

Down in the muck here

Under the sea~!

(Bill glares at William, then finishes the song. After the last note, however, the lights go out. Bill simply sighs and says..)

It is time for you to leave, Elizabeth and company.

Now.

[princesslizzyfnafton]

*Elizabeth blinks in surprise* Leave?

[themanbehindthepurpleman]

Yes.

I was given short notice about this.. bizzare item called a “ball pit”.

Allegedly, it houses a creature destined to take my son away.

Deprive him of his ‘humanity’, even.

It has arrived already.

And I have already been advised to evacuate you.

It would be foolish of me if I did not.

(He then gets up from his seat and opens up the piano bench. A sharp click follows suit. The paintball gun has returned.)

Leave. through the front door.

[themanbehindthepurpleman]

Hello again, people of this webbed site.

There is a concert at my house about to start.

I was wondering if you could join my son and I.

I am aware that this is short notice.

At least I can assure you that refreshments may be provided.

If need be, there may be song requests you can drop in my inbox.

…Within reason, of course.

[princesslizzyfnafton]

*she reappears* I'm back! OH! I'm simply so excited!!!!!! Do you like my dress? *she spins, smiling*

[themanbehindthepurpleman]

It is very nice, Elizabeth.

(*Bill signals to William, who now looks a bit nervous. Nevertheless, he gets up from the piano bench. Bill takes his place.*)

We are about to start, regardless of who else artibes.

[princesslizzyfnafton]

*she sits in a nearby seat, grinning and giving double thumbs up to William*

[themanbehindthepurpleman]

(*Bill clears his throat.*)

We shall begin with the oldest song first.

Or, at the very least, its opening section.

“A Wandering Minstrel, I” from Gilbert and Sullivan’s The Mikado.

In its original key of F Major.

As the rest of our audience will most likely be reading instead of listening, I have installed something that will transcribe the lyrics he sings.

[princesslizzyfnafton]

*she applauds in advance*

( @williamfazbin )

[themanbehindthepurpleman]

(*William gives her an acknowledging nod, then prepares himself. Bill, assuming that the other guests will arrive in a few minutes, begins to play the song’s instrumental. William sings the following, though the high notes are a bit strained:*)

A wandering minstrel I—

A thing of shreds and patches,

Of ballads, songs and snatches,

And dreamy lullaby!

My catalogue is long,

Through every passion ranging,

And to your humours changing

I tune my supple song

I tune my supple song…

(*Bill winces at his son’s high notes, but follows through to the end of the verse. He plays an interlude as William recovers.*)

[princesslizzyfnafton]

*she smiles at her father*

[themanbehindthepurpleman]

(*William bows towards her. Bill decides to ignore the gesture and focus on his piano work.. Even if there might be guests quietly slipping in at the moment.*)

The next song is much more obscure.

Thankfully, the both of us know it quite well.

(*William straightens up. He attempts to refrain from adjusting his tie.*)

And I think, once you read and/or hear the lyrics, you will see why I picked it.

It is “Poor Little Me” by Benny Davis, circa 1922.

In the original key of E Flat Major.

Some changes have been made to streamline the song, while others are more… drastic.

(*He mutters something to William about “First Verse, Chorus 1, Second Verse, Chorus 2, Chorus 3”. Then, after another sign of acknowledgment, Bill begins to play.*)

[princesslizzyfnafton]

*she smiles and giggles*

[themanbehindthepurpleman]

(*William takes note of his current audience-of-one. He leans over the edge of the piano and pouts a bit.*)

I don't like to complain

But I think it's a shame

I don't know what the word love means

Ev'ry one I know

Has someone they love so

I've been forgotten it seems..

(*He leans more into the role, letting his voice ‘crack’ as the chorus swings in.*)

Poor little me!

Always lonesome and sad!

Poor little me— Always getting in bad!

No matter what I do or say,

Somehow I'm always in the way—

By thunder! I wonder

Will my luck change some day?

I've tried to be just as nice as I should

But I can see there's no fun being good!

I sit at home but no one calls

I'm tired of looking at the four bare walls

Oh, don’t you feel sorry

For poor little me?

(*He looks at his father with large “tearful” eyes. Bill simply glares. William, sensing much irritation, returns to his original singing stance. He goes into the second verse much more restrained.*)

Good luck passes me by

I keep wondering why—

Seems I just can't go on this way

I keep dreaming of

Somebody I could love!

I hope it comes true someday!

(*He then returns to leaning against the piano edge, this time placing the back of his hand against his face. He repeats the chorus [Which I will not type again because of time], but turns ‘snippy’ when the change in the second version comes:)

Nobody ever takes me out

They say I don't know what it's all about

So don't you feel sorry

For poor little me—?

(*Bill intensifies the lower parts of his piano playing. A twinge of fear enters William’s voice as he goes into the newly-penned “Chorus 3”:*)

Poor little me!

Always loathsome and sad! Poor little me—

Always getting in bad… No matter what you do or say, Somehow I’ll always ruin your day By thunder! No wonder My luck won’t change today!

I thought I’d be

Just as nice as I should

But I can see

That I’ll never be good!

Just keep me under lock and key

Or else I’ll be your source of agony— Oh, don’t you feel sorry

For poor little me!

(*Bill finished with a ragtime flourish. William is no longer smiling or leaning on the piano.*)

[princesslizzyfnafton]

*Elizabeth smiles and laughs at the theatrics, but frowns when she notices her father's fear. She claps hesitantly*

[themanbehindthepurpleman]

(*Bill adjusts himself on the bench. He seems to only be interested how controlled his son is.*)

Now that we have performed the songs I wanted, I suppose it is time for requests.

I believe there was someone who stopped by to drop off a letter?

Yes, sir. I spotted an envelope while you were playing an interlude.

Then I will play that request first.

Other requests will follow shortly.

Including yours, Elizabeth.

[princesslizzyfnafton]

Daddy, you did great! *she leaps from her chair and gives him a hug* and your piano playing is stupendous, Grandfather!

( @williamfazbin )

[williamfazbin]

Will is clapping respectfully and smiling. Enjoying the show as well.

[themanbehindthepurpleman]

(*Bill turns his head. His expression warms up a bit.*)

Ah, Will.

Good to see you again.

You missed the first two— Well, three by now— songs.

However, you have come just in time for song requests.

[williamfazbin]

"I haven't seen most of the Mikado

But, can you do 'ive got a little list?' "

He pulls out a little rolled up thing in his pocket,it unrolls to a good 6 feet.

[themanbehindthepurpleman]

(*Bill gawks for a moment. He looks at his son and @princesslizzyfnafton with a closed-mouth stupor.*)

William, do you know this number?

I know we both made an effort to study The Mikado, but ah…

(*William’s eyes widen at the paper on the floor. However, he regains his composure rather quickly.*)

I think I can manage.

What key is it in?

(*Bill peers over Will’s shoulder.*)

E Flat Major, I believe.

And which version?

(*Bill skims again, but stops.*)

There are more versions?

To keep with the times and satire of the era, yes.

(Bill looks at Will with an unnaturally concerned look.)

I… assume the original…?

[williamfazbin]

"I can bring up a modem version if you wish."

He's searching now.

Be prepared.

[themanbehindthepurpleman]

Yes, please.

This I have to see.

(*William nods with a renewed light in his eyes. He cautiously approaches the pair, keeping in mind his broader build.*)

[williamfazbin]

He's searching for the right version.

[williamfazbin]

He finds a version

Song by a baby. And government agents.

[themanbehindthepurpleman]

(*Bill looks on in distinterest while William battles the urge to snigger at the more general-in-tone lines.*)

There is a child here, Will.

That is true, but now I think my creative spark has flourished a little. Surely we can reach a compromise? Have me merge the two like some Frankensteinian creation? Live productions do change the lyrics on-the-fly, if I recall.

(*Bill sighs in disappointment.*)

It is Will’s final decision.

[williamfazbin]

"it's a cartoon.

And apparently all just a dream. But I understand. There's more modem versions."

[themanbehindthepurpleman]

(*Bill mutters dismissively as William skims the list of variants. He murmurs a bar or two, almost as if penning his own set aloud:*)

There’s someone behind the news reporter acting like a fool

And the Mimic who insists “I’ve got you on my list”

And the people who eat peppermint.. with no regard for proper rules?

(Who puffs out peppermint into people’s faces…?) They never would be missed.. They never would be missed….

[williamfazbin]

"good so far."

[themanbehindthepurpleman]

(William grins at his counterpart [though it’s unclear if he knows it’s a counterpart or not].)

Thank you, sir. I try my best whenever the opportunity presents itself—

(Bill snatches the list from Will and closes it. He glares pointedly at William.)

Your best must be ours, then.

I will not stand for wasting any more time.

Sing the original and tweak when needed.

(William follows behind Bill while stammering something intelligible. Bill calmly sits back down at the piano bench.)

If you are so good at improvisation, then you must prove yourself worthy.

(Without any further warnings, Bill plays the opening interlude. William gives an apologetic look towards @princesslizzyfnafton and Will, then gets into position.)

[williamfazbin]

Will is just watching and smiling. Enjoying the conflict a smidge.

[themanbehindthepurpleman]

(Bill finishes the interlude and segues into the main section. William assumes a dignified, stoic attitude; then begins:)

As some day it may happen that a victim must be found

I've got a little list — I've got a little list

Of society offenders who might (as) well be underground

And who never would be missed —

Who never would be missed!

(A slight pause, as to be expected. However, William manages to stay on time— Which, ironically, makes Bill a bit late.)

There's the pestilential nuisances who beg for photographs—

All people who have flabby hands

and irritating laughs —

(As he keeps going, he pulls out a pair of opera gloves from his jacket pocket and slips them on. Considering the lack of an extra-rosy face, this was probably a planned “sight gag”— as one might say.)

All people who are explain the jokes that makes ‘em all fall flat —

All persons who in shaking hands, shake hands with you like that —

(He promptly shakes Bill’s hand very harshly. Bill winces afterwards, but recovers quickly.)

And all third persons who on spoiling tête-á-têtes insist —

“They’d none of them be missed!

They’d none of them be missed!”

(Bill echoes with his rendition of the choir section. William simply bobs his head along with the rhythm, though his eyes are practically lit up.)

[princesslizzyfnafton]

Elizabeth giggles at their antics, smiling widely.

[themanbehindthepurpleman]

(William maintains his composure. He resumes singing, now with a slightly more polished version of the lyrics he mumbled before:)

There’s the one behind the news reporter acting like a fool

And the Mimic who insists— “I’ve got you on my list”

And the people who eat peppermint While disregarding proper rules

They never would be missed!

They never would be missed!

(Bill nearly does the chorus part again, but William bulldozes right past it— As there is no chorus until the end, this is a possibly smart decision.)

Then the saddest fool who praises, with enthusiastic tone

All livelihoods but his and every person but his own

And while we’re on the subject, even I may get a whack

For ending my old title with a sorry “fade-to-black”—

Plus that singular anomaly—

My witness tamper-ist

I don’t think they’ll be missed

I’m sure he won’t be missed

(Bill ignores William’s own pointed glares during the “witness-tamper-ist” and “he won’t be missed”. On goes the chorus section again, just as planned.)

(@williamfazbin, in case you missed this)

[themanbehindthepurpleman]

(William, sensing the same tension as @princesslizzyfnafton, decides to return to the original. With slightly grit teeth, he resumes:)

And that Nisi Prius nuisance,

who just now is rather rife The judicial “humorist” —

I've got him on the list

All funny fellows, comic men,

and clowns of private life —

They'd none of 'em be missed —

they'd none of 'em be missed And apologetic statesmen of a compromising kind, Such as… What d'ya call him? Thing'em-bob, and likewise— Never-mind! And 'St— 'st— 'st— and What's-his-name, and also You-know-who —

(Another pointed glare at his father, though calling him a “statesman” would be far-fetched. But before the glare is returned, William moves on.)

The task of filling up the blanks I'd rather leave to you But it really doesn't matter whom you put upon the list For they'd none of 'em be missed — they'd none of 'em be missed!

(One last chorus from the piano, then a rather sharp crescendo ends the song. Bill rests while William gives a restrained bow.)

[princesslizzyfnafton]

Elizabeth grins and claps wildly. "Bravo! You both did splendidly!"

[themanbehindthepurpleman]

(William mouths a “thank you” to both both Elizabeth and @williamfazbin. Bill, on the other hand, simply nods before getting up from his seat. He walks over to the front door and stops in front of some envelopes. He clicks his tongue, then picks the papers up one by one.)

It appears that we have been delaying many a request.

If you have any suggestions, Elizabeth, then you will have to wait a little longer.

(He walks back to the piano and opens up the first envelope..)

[princesslizzyfnafton]

"That is quite all right, Grandfather." She swings her feet playfully. "I'm very happy just listening to you play and Daddy sing!"

[themanbehindthepurpleman]

(Time passes as William and Bill cover the requests. Bill then talks with @williamfazbin before returning his attention to Elizabeth.)

We are finally ready for your request.

My apologies.

[princesslizzyfnafton]

She practically vibrates at the attention "Can we do Under the Sea? From The Little Mermaid?"

[themanbehindthepurpleman]

(William’s eyes light up.)

Can we, Father? Please, oh, please, can we?

(Bill looks at Elizabeth and William. He contemplates.)

I am more dumbfounded that you are also begging for this, William.

I thought you would be dreading that song after rewinding that V-H-S one too many times.

(William, despite his situation, is offended.)

I? Dreading Under The Sea? What non—!

(He catches himself.)

What I mean to say is, I do not mind that song. Yes, it did get a bit tiring after a while back then. But that is the thing— That tiredness was practically decades ago.

So, please, let me sing this song for her. It is the least I can do.

(Bill huffs defeatedly.)

Very well.

Just give me a minute to remember its time signatures.

[princesslizzyfnafton]

Elizabeth giggles at the pair's bickering, touched that William wasn't bored of the song his Elizabeth loved so much.

[themanbehindthepurpleman]

(It takes a lot longer than expected [Bill was never good with odd time signatures], but they were finally ready. After a jumpy interlude, William attempts his best Sebastian accent…)

The seaweed is always greener

In somebody else's lake

You dream about going up there

But that is a big mistake

Just look at the world around you

Right here on the ocean floor

Such wonderful things surround you

What more are you looking for?

Under the sea, under the sea

Darlin' it's better down where it's wetter—

Take it from me!

Up on the shore, they work all day

Out in the sun, they slave away

While we devotin' full time to floatin'

Under the sea—

(As Bill continues to battle the reggae rhythm, William winces suddenly. It looks like something has given him a headache, but not even he knows what that something is..)

[princesslizzyfnafton]

*Elizabeth's delighted giggles stop suddenly as soon as William winces* Daddy? Are you all right?

[themanbehindthepurpleman]

(Elizabeth’s voice seems to soften the pain enough. William signals for his father to slow down.)

It’s just a bit of a headache, dear. I’ve… gotten through much worse.

(Bill, though fully aware of the warning he received a moment ago, nods in agreement. He resumes his playing as William resumes the song.)

Down here all the fish are happy As off through the waves they roll The fish on the land ain't happy They’ sad cause they’ in their bowl But fish in the bowl is lucky They in for a worse-er fate One day when the boss gets hungry Guess who's gon' be on the plate? Uh-oh!

(As if to tempt fate itself, a few of the candle-lit fixtures go out on cue. The more modern objects simply flicker as William keeps going.)

Under the sea, under the sea

Nobody beats us—

Fry us and eat us in fricassee

We’ what the land folks loves to cook

Under the sea, we’ off the hook

We got no troubles, life is the bubbles!

(Bill “chimes” in by adding in the ensemble to his piano playing. He seems unfazed by the chill in the air, while his son’s eyes are starting to have a manic tinge to them.)

Under the sea Under the sea Since life is sweet here We got the beat here naturally Even the sturgeon and the ray They get the urge 'n' start to play We got the spirit, you got to hear it Under the sea

[princesslizzyfnafton]

*Elizabeth claps enthusiastically, a tinge of concern in her eyes as she rises from her seat to go to William's side.* Are you ok? I know you've been through much worse, but you shouldn't have to suffer anymore. You've suffered enough, I think....

[themanbehindthepurpleman]

(Bill quiets down his piano playing. He turns just enough to lock eyes with Elizabeth.)

He will be “okay” soon enough.

I will explain once your song is over.

(William, on the other hand, decides to include Elizabeth in the routine. They do a little dance as he sings the faster-paced bridge section. His pupils do look a bit strange, but his happyexpression seems a lot more geniune.)

The newt play the flute

The carp play the harp

The plaice play the bass

And they soundin' sharp

The bass play the brass

The chub play the tub

The fluke is the duke of soul

The ray he can play

The lings on the strings

The trout rockin' out

The blackfish she sings

The smelt and the sprat,

they know where it's at

An' oh that blowfish blow!

(He lifts Elizabeth into his arms, hoisting her into the air. They spin for a moment as Bill plays the interlude. For a second, it almost feels like the ominous sensation is winding down… Only a little.)

[princesslizzyfnafton]

Okay, Grandfather!

*she giggles, feeling a bit like Ariel during their dance. She hugs William as soon as he picks her up*

[themanbehindthepurpleman]

(William is a smidge surprised by the hug, but he welcomely accepts it. Unfortunately, this means that he misses his Segway into the key change. At least he recovers with some gusto as he spins Elizabeth around again.)

—Under the sea!

Under the sea

When the sardine begin the beguine,

It's music to me

What do they got? A lot of sand? We’ce got a hot crustacean band! Each little clam here know how to jam here Under the sea Each little slug here, cuttin' a rug here Under the sea

(He sets Elizabeth down, then lets his father start up the finale. With his final burst of energy, William clambers onto the top of the piano.)

Each little snail here

Knows how to wail here

That's why it's hotter

Under the water

Yeah. we’re in luck here

Down in the muck here

Under the sea~!

(Bill glares at William, then finishes the song. After the last note, however, the lights go out. Bill simply sighs and says..)

It is time for you to leave, Elizabeth and company.

Now.

[themanbehindthepurpleman]

Hello again, people of this webbed site.

There is a concert at my house about to start.

I was wondering if you could join my son and I.

I am aware that this is short notice.

At least I can assure you that refreshments may be provided.

If need be, there may be song requests you can drop in my inbox.

…Within reason, of course.

[princesslizzyfnafton]

*she reappears* I'm back! OH! I'm simply so excited!!!!!! Do you like my dress? *she spins, smiling*

[themanbehindthepurpleman]

It is very nice, Elizabeth.

(*Bill signals to William, who now looks a bit nervous. Nevertheless, he gets up from the piano bench. Bill takes his place.*)

We are about to start, regardless of who else artibes.

[princesslizzyfnafton]

*she sits in a nearby seat, grinning and giving double thumbs up to William*

[themanbehindthepurpleman]

(*Bill clears his throat.*)

We shall begin with the oldest song first.

Or, at the very least, its opening section.

“A Wandering Minstrel, I” from Gilbert and Sullivan’s The Mikado.

In its original key of F Major.

As the rest of our audience will most likely be reading instead of listening, I have installed something that will transcribe the lyrics he sings.

[princesslizzyfnafton]

*she applauds in advance*

( @williamfazbin )

[themanbehindthepurpleman]

(*William gives her an acknowledging nod, then prepares himself. Bill, assuming that the other guests will arrive in a few minutes, begins to play the song’s instrumental. William sings the following, though the high notes are a bit strained:*)

A wandering minstrel I—

A thing of shreds and patches,

Of ballads, songs and snatches,

And dreamy lullaby!

My catalogue is long,

Through every passion ranging,

And to your humours changing

I tune my supple song

I tune my supple song…

(*Bill winces at his son’s high notes, but follows through to the end of the verse. He plays an interlude as William recovers.*)

[princesslizzyfnafton]

*she smiles at her father*

[themanbehindthepurpleman]

(*William bows towards her. Bill decides to ignore the gesture and focus on his piano work.. Even if there might be guests quietly slipping in at the moment.*)

The next song is much more obscure.

Thankfully, the both of us know it quite well.

(*William straightens up. He attempts to refrain from adjusting his tie.*)

And I think, once you read and/or hear the lyrics, you will see why I picked it.

It is “Poor Little Me” by Benny Davis, circa 1922.

In the original key of E Flat Major.

Some changes have been made to streamline the song, while others are more… drastic.

(*He mutters something to William about “First Verse, Chorus 1, Second Verse, Chorus 2, Chorus 3”. Then, after another sign of acknowledgment, Bill begins to play.*)

[princesslizzyfnafton]

*she smiles and giggles*

[themanbehindthepurpleman]

(*William takes note of his current audience-of-one. He leans over the edge of the piano and pouts a bit.*)

I don't like to complain

But I think it's a shame

I don't know what the word love means

Ev'ry one I know

Has someone they love so

I've been forgotten it seems..

(*He leans more into the role, letting his voice ‘crack’ as the chorus swings in.*)

Poor little me!

Always lonesome and sad!

Poor little me— Always getting in bad!

No matter what I do or say,

Somehow I'm always in the way—

By thunder! I wonder

Will my luck change some day?

I've tried to be just as nice as I should

But I can see there's no fun being good!

I sit at home but no one calls

I'm tired of looking at the four bare walls

Oh, don’t you feel sorry

For poor little me?

(*He looks at his father with large “tearful” eyes. Bill simply glares. William, sensing much irritation, returns to his original singing stance. He goes into the second verse much more restrained.*)

Good luck passes me by

I keep wondering why—

Seems I just can't go on this way

I keep dreaming of

Somebody I could love!

I hope it comes true someday!

(*He then returns to leaning against the piano edge, this time placing the back of his hand against his face. He repeats the chorus [Which I will not type again because of time], but turns ‘snippy’ when the change in the second version comes:)

Nobody ever takes me out

They say I don't know what it's all about

So don't you feel sorry

For poor little me—?

(*Bill intensifies the lower parts of his piano playing. A twinge of fear enters William’s voice as he goes into the newly-penned “Chorus 3”:*)

Poor little me!

Always loathsome and sad! Poor little me—

Always getting in bad… No matter what you do or say, Somehow I’ll always ruin your day By thunder! No wonder My luck won’t change today!

I thought I’d be

Just as nice as I should

But I can see

That I’ll never be good!

Just keep me under lock and key

Or else I’ll be your source of agony— Oh, don’t you feel sorry

For poor little me!

(*Bill finished with a ragtime flourish. William is no longer smiling or leaning on the piano.*)

[princesslizzyfnafton]

*Elizabeth smiles and laughs at the theatrics, but frowns when she notices her father's fear. She claps hesitantly*

[themanbehindthepurpleman]

(*Bill adjusts himself on the bench. He seems to only be interested how controlled his son is.*)

Now that we have performed the songs I wanted, I suppose it is time for requests.

I believe there was someone who stopped by to drop off a letter?

Yes, sir. I spotted an envelope while you were playing an interlude.

Then I will play that request first.

Other requests will follow shortly.

Including yours, Elizabeth.

[princesslizzyfnafton]

Daddy, you did great! *she leaps from her chair and gives him a hug* and your piano playing is stupendous, Grandfather!

( @williamfazbin )

[williamfazbin]

Will is clapping respectfully and smiling. Enjoying the show as well.

[themanbehindthepurpleman]

(*Bill turns his head. His expression warms up a bit.*)

Ah, Will.

Good to see you again.

You missed the first two— Well, three by now— songs.

However, you have come just in time for song requests.

[williamfazbin]

"I haven't seen most of the Mikado

But, can you do 'ive got a little list?' "

He pulls out a little rolled up thing in his pocket,it unrolls to a good 6 feet.

[themanbehindthepurpleman]

(*Bill gawks for a moment. He looks at his son and @princesslizzyfnafton with a closed-mouth stupor.*)

William, do you know this number?

I know we both made an effort to study The Mikado, but ah…

(*William’s eyes widen at the paper on the floor. However, he regains his composure rather quickly.*)

I think I can manage.

What key is it in?

(*Bill peers over Will’s shoulder.*)

E Flat Major, I believe.

And which version?

(*Bill skims again, but stops.*)

There are more versions?

To keep with the times and satire of the era, yes.

(Bill looks at Will with an unnaturally concerned look.)

I… assume the original…?

[williamfazbin]

"I can bring up a modem version if you wish."

He's searching now.

Be prepared.

[themanbehindthepurpleman]

Yes, please.

This I have to see.

(*William nods with a renewed light in his eyes. He cautiously approaches the pair, keeping in mind his broader build.*)

[williamfazbin]

He's searching for the right version.

[williamfazbin]

He finds a version

Song by a baby. And government agents.

[themanbehindthepurpleman]

(*Bill looks on in distinterest while William battles the urge to snigger at the more general-in-tone lines.*)

There is a child here, Will.

That is true, but now I think my creative spark has flourished a little. Surely we can reach a compromise? Have me merge the two like some Frankensteinian creation? Live productions do change the lyrics on-the-fly, if I recall.

(*Bill sighs in disappointment.*)

It is Will’s final decision.

[williamfazbin]

"it's a cartoon.

And apparently all just a dream. But I understand. There's more modem versions."

[themanbehindthepurpleman]

(*Bill mutters dismissively as William skims the list of variants. He murmurs a bar or two, almost as if penning his own set aloud:*)

There’s someone behind the news reporter acting like a fool

And the Mimic who insists “I’ve got you on my list”

And the people who eat peppermint.. with no regard for proper rules?

(Who puffs out peppermint into people’s faces…?) They never would be missed.. They never would be missed….

[williamfazbin]

"good so far."

[themanbehindthepurpleman]

(William grins at his counterpart [though it’s unclear if he knows it’s a counterpart or not].)

Thank you, sir. I try my best whenever the opportunity presents itself—

(Bill snatches the list from Will and closes it. He glares pointedly at William.)

Your best must be ours, then.

I will not stand for wasting any more time.

Sing the original and tweak when needed.

(William follows behind Bill while stammering something intelligible. Bill calmly sits back down at the piano bench.)

If you are so good at improvisation, then you must prove yourself worthy.

(Without any further warnings, Bill plays the opening interlude. William gives an apologetic look towards @princesslizzyfnafton and Will, then gets into position.)

[williamfazbin]

Will is just watching and smiling. Enjoying the conflict a smidge.

[themanbehindthepurpleman]

(Bill finishes the interlude and segues into the main section. William assumes a dignified, stoic attitude; then begins:)

As some day it may happen that a victim must be found

I've got a little list — I've got a little list

Of society offenders who might (as) well be underground

And who never would be missed —

Who never would be missed!

(A slight pause, as to be expected. However, William manages to stay on time— Which, ironically, makes Bill a bit late.)

There's the pestilential nuisances who beg for photographs—

All people who have flabby hands

and irritating laughs —

(As he keeps going, he pulls out a pair of opera gloves from his jacket pocket and slips them on. Considering the lack of an extra-rosy face, this was probably a planned “sight gag”— as one might say.)

All people who are explain the jokes that makes ‘em all fall flat —

All persons who in shaking hands, shake hands with you like that —

(He promptly shakes Bill’s hand very harshly. Bill winces afterwards, but recovers quickly.)

And all third persons who on spoiling tête-á-têtes insist —

“They’d none of them be missed!

They’d none of them be missed!”

(Bill echoes with his rendition of the choir section. William simply bobs his head along with the rhythm, though his eyes are practically lit up.)

[princesslizzyfnafton]

Elizabeth giggles at their antics, smiling widely.

[themanbehindthepurpleman]

(William maintains his composure. He resumes singing, now with a slightly more polished version of the lyrics he mumbled before:)

There’s the one behind the news reporter acting like a fool

And the Mimic who insists— “I’ve got you on my list”

And the people who eat peppermint While disregarding proper rules

They never would be missed!

They never would be missed!

(Bill nearly does the chorus part again, but William bulldozes right past it— As there is no chorus until the end, this is a possibly smart decision.)

Then the saddest fool who praises, with enthusiastic tone

All livelihoods but his and every person but his own

And while we’re on the subject, even I may get a whack

For ending my old title with a sorry “fade-to-black”—

Plus that singular anomaly—

My witness tamper-ist

I don’t think they’ll be missed

I’m sure he won’t be missed

(Bill ignores William’s own pointed glares during the “witness-tamper-ist” and “he won’t be missed”. On goes the chorus section again, just as planned.)

(@williamfazbin, in case you missed this)

[themanbehindthepurpleman]

(William, sensing the same tension as @princesslizzyfnafton, decides to return to the original. With slightly grit teeth, he resumes:)

And that Nisi Prius nuisance,

who just now is rather rife The judicial “humorist” —

I've got him on the list

All funny fellows, comic men,

and clowns of private life —

They'd none of 'em be missed —

they'd none of 'em be missed And apologetic statesmen of a compromising kind, Such as… What d'ya call him? Thing'em-bob, and likewise— Never-mind! And 'St— 'st— 'st— and What's-his-name, and also You-know-who —

(Another pointed glare at his father, though calling him a “statesman” would be far-fetched. But before the glare is returned, William moves on.)

The task of filling up the blanks I'd rather leave to you But it really doesn't matter whom you put upon the list For they'd none of 'em be missed — they'd none of 'em be missed!

(One last chorus from the piano, then a rather sharp crescendo ends the song. Bill rests while William gives a restrained bow.)

[princesslizzyfnafton]

Elizabeth grins and claps wildly. "Bravo! You both did splendidly!"

[themanbehindthepurpleman]

(William mouths a “thank you” to both both Elizabeth and @williamfazbin. Bill, on the other hand, simply nods before getting up from his seat. He walks over to the front door and stops in front of some envelopes. He clicks his tongue, then picks the papers up one by one.)

It appears that we have been delaying many a request.

If you have any suggestions, Elizabeth, then you will have to wait a little longer.

(He walks back to the piano and opens up the first envelope..)

[princesslizzyfnafton]

"That is quite all right, Grandfather." She swings her feet playfully. "I'm very happy just listening to you play and Daddy sing!"

[themanbehindthepurpleman]

(Time passes as William and Bill cover the requests. Bill then talks with @williamfazbin before returning his attention to Elizabeth.)

We are finally ready for your request.

My apologies.

[princesslizzyfnafton]

She practically vibrates at the attention "Can we do Under the Sea? From The Little Mermaid?"

[themanbehindthepurpleman]

(William’s eyes light up.)

Can we, Father? Please, oh, please, can we?

(Bill looks at Elizabeth and William. He contemplates.)

I am more dumbfounded that you are also begging for this, William.

I thought you would be dreading that song after rewinding that V-H-S one too many times.

(William, despite his situation, is offended.)

I? Dreading Under The Sea? What non—!

(He catches himself.)

What I mean to say is, I do not mind that song. Yes, it did get a bit tiring after a while back then. But that is the thing— That tiredness was practically decades ago.

So, please, let me sing this song for her. It is the least I can do.

(Bill huffs defeatedly.)

Very well.

Just give me a minute to remember its time signatures.

[princesslizzyfnafton]

Elizabeth giggles at the pair's bickering, touched that William wasn't bored of the song his Elizabeth loved so much.

[themanbehindthepurpleman]

(It takes a lot longer than expected [Bill was never good with odd time signatures], but they were finally ready. After a jumpy interlude, William attempts his best Sebastian accent…)

The seaweed is always greener

In somebody else's lake

You dream about going up there

But that is a big mistake

Just look at the world around you

Right here on the ocean floor

Such wonderful things surround you

What more are you looking for?

Under the sea, under the sea

Darlin' it's better down where it's wetter—

Take it from me!

Up on the shore, they work all day

Out in the sun, they slave away

While we devotin' full time to floatin'

Under the sea—

(As Bill continues to battle the reggae rhythm, William winces suddenly. It looks like something has given him a headache, but not even he knows what that something is..)

[princesslizzyfnafton]

*Elizabeth's delighted giggles stop suddenly as soon as William winces* Daddy? Are you all right?

[themanbehindthepurpleman]

(Elizabeth’s voice seems to soften the pain enough. William signals for his father to slow down.)

It’s just a bit of a headache, dear. I’ve… gotten through much worse.

(Bill, though fully aware of the warning he received a moment ago, nods in agreement. He resumes his playing as William resumes the song.)

Down here all the fish are happy As off through the waves they roll The fish on the land ain't happy They’ sad cause they’ in their bowl But fish in the bowl is lucky They in for a worse-er fate One day when the boss gets hungry Guess who's gon' be on the plate? Uh-oh!

(As if to tempt fate itself, a few of the candle-lit fixtures go out on cue. The more modern objects simply flicker as William keeps going.)

Under the sea, under the sea

Nobody beats us—

Fry us and eat us in fricassee

We’ what the land folks loves to cook

Under the sea, we’ off the hook

We got no troubles, life is the bubbles!

(Bill “chimes” in by adding in the ensemble to his piano playing. He seems unfazed by the chill in the air, while his son’s eyes are starting to have a manic tinge to them.)

Under the sea Under the sea Since life is sweet here We got the beat here naturally Even the sturgeon and the ray They get the urge 'n' start to play We got the spirit, you got to hear it Under the sea

[princesslizzyfnafton]

*Elizabeth claps enthusiastically, a tinge of concern in her eyes as she rises from her seat to go to William's side.* Are you ok? I know you've been through much worse, but you shouldn't have to suffer anymore. You've suffered enough, I think....

[themanbehindthepurpleman]

(Bill quiets down his piano playing. He turns just enough to lock eyes with Elizabeth.)

He will be “okay” soon enough.

I will explain once your song is over.

(William, on the other hand, decides to include Elizabeth in the routine. They do a little dance as he sings the faster-paced bridge section. His pupils do look a bit strange, but his happyexpression seems a lot more geniune.)

The newt play the flute

The carp play the harp

The plaice play the bass

And they soundin' sharp

The bass play the brass

The chub play the tub

The fluke is the duke of soul

The ray he can play

The lings on the strings

The trout rockin' out

The blackfish she sings

The smelt and the sprat,

they know where it's at

An' oh that blowfish blow!

(He lifts Elizabeth into his arms, hoisting her into the air. They spin for a moment as Bill plays the interlude. For a second, it almost feels like the ominous sensation is winding down… Only a little.)

[themanbehindthepurpleman]

Hello again, people of this webbed site.

There is a concert at my house about to start.

I was wondering if you could join my son and I.

I am aware that this is short notice.

At least I can assure you that refreshments may be provided.

If need be, there may be song requests you can drop in my inbox.

…Within reason, of course.

[princesslizzyfnafton]

*she reappears* I'm back! OH! I'm simply so excited!!!!!! Do you like my dress? *she spins, smiling*

[themanbehindthepurpleman]

It is very nice, Elizabeth.

(*Bill signals to William, who now looks a bit nervous. Nevertheless, he gets up from the piano bench. Bill takes his place.*)

We are about to start, regardless of who else artibes.

[princesslizzyfnafton]

*she sits in a nearby seat, grinning and giving double thumbs up to William*

[themanbehindthepurpleman]

(*Bill clears his throat.*)

We shall begin with the oldest song first.

Or, at the very least, its opening section.

“A Wandering Minstrel, I” from Gilbert and Sullivan’s The Mikado.

In its original key of F Major.

As the rest of our audience will most likely be reading instead of listening, I have installed something that will transcribe the lyrics he sings.

[princesslizzyfnafton]

*she applauds in advance*

( @williamfazbin )

[themanbehindthepurpleman]

(*William gives her an acknowledging nod, then prepares himself. Bill, assuming that the other guests will arrive in a few minutes, begins to play the song’s instrumental. William sings the following, though the high notes are a bit strained:*)

A wandering minstrel I—

A thing of shreds and patches,

Of ballads, songs and snatches,

And dreamy lullaby!

My catalogue is long,

Through every passion ranging,

And to your humours changing

I tune my supple song

I tune my supple song…

(*Bill winces at his son’s high notes, but follows through to the end of the verse. He plays an interlude as William recovers.*)

[princesslizzyfnafton]

*she smiles at her father*

[themanbehindthepurpleman]

(*William bows towards her. Bill decides to ignore the gesture and focus on his piano work.. Even if there might be guests quietly slipping in at the moment.*)

The next song is much more obscure.

Thankfully, the both of us know it quite well.

(*William straightens up. He attempts to refrain from adjusting his tie.*)

And I think, once you read and/or hear the lyrics, you will see why I picked it.

It is “Poor Little Me” by Benny Davis, circa 1922.

In the original key of E Flat Major.

Some changes have been made to streamline the song, while others are more… drastic.

(*He mutters something to William about “First Verse, Chorus 1, Second Verse, Chorus 2, Chorus 3”. Then, after another sign of acknowledgment, Bill begins to play.*)

[princesslizzyfnafton]

*she smiles and giggles*

[themanbehindthepurpleman]

(*William takes note of his current audience-of-one. He leans over the edge of the piano and pouts a bit.*)

I don't like to complain

But I think it's a shame

I don't know what the word love means

Ev'ry one I know

Has someone they love so

I've been forgotten it seems..

(*He leans more into the role, letting his voice ‘crack’ as the chorus swings in.*)

Poor little me!

Always lonesome and sad!

Poor little me— Always getting in bad!

No matter what I do or say,

Somehow I'm always in the way—

By thunder! I wonder

Will my luck change some day?

I've tried to be just as nice as I should

But I can see there's no fun being good!

I sit at home but no one calls

I'm tired of looking at the four bare walls

Oh, don’t you feel sorry

For poor little me?

(*He looks at his father with large “tearful” eyes. Bill simply glares. William, sensing much irritation, returns to his original singing stance. He goes into the second verse much more restrained.*)

Good luck passes me by

I keep wondering why—

Seems I just can't go on this way

I keep dreaming of

Somebody I could love!

I hope it comes true someday!

(*He then returns to leaning against the piano edge, this time placing the back of his hand against his face. He repeats the chorus [Which I will not type again because of time], but turns ‘snippy’ when the change in the second version comes:)

Nobody ever takes me out

They say I don't know what it's all about

So don't you feel sorry

For poor little me—?

(*Bill intensifies the lower parts of his piano playing. A twinge of fear enters William’s voice as he goes into the newly-penned “Chorus 3”:*)

Poor little me!

Always loathsome and sad! Poor little me—

Always getting in bad… No matter what you do or say, Somehow I’ll always ruin your day By thunder! No wonder My luck won’t change today!

I thought I’d be

Just as nice as I should

But I can see

That I’ll never be good!

Just keep me under lock and key

Or else I’ll be your source of agony— Oh, don’t you feel sorry

For poor little me!

(*Bill finished with a ragtime flourish. William is no longer smiling or leaning on the piano.*)

[princesslizzyfnafton]

*Elizabeth smiles and laughs at the theatrics, but frowns when she notices her father's fear. She claps hesitantly*

[themanbehindthepurpleman]

(*Bill adjusts himself on the bench. He seems to only be interested how controlled his son is.*)

Now that we have performed the songs I wanted, I suppose it is time for requests.

I believe there was someone who stopped by to drop off a letter?

Yes, sir. I spotted an envelope while you were playing an interlude.

Then I will play that request first.

Other requests will follow shortly.

Including yours, Elizabeth.

[princesslizzyfnafton]

Daddy, you did great! *she leaps from her chair and gives him a hug* and your piano playing is stupendous, Grandfather!

( @williamfazbin )

[williamfazbin]

Will is clapping respectfully and smiling. Enjoying the show as well.

[themanbehindthepurpleman]

(*Bill turns his head. His expression warms up a bit.*)

Ah, Will.

Good to see you again.

You missed the first two— Well, three by now— songs.

However, you have come just in time for song requests.

[williamfazbin]

"I haven't seen most of the Mikado

But, can you do 'ive got a little list?' "

He pulls out a little rolled up thing in his pocket,it unrolls to a good 6 feet.

[themanbehindthepurpleman]

(*Bill gawks for a moment. He looks at his son and @princesslizzyfnafton with a closed-mouth stupor.*)

William, do you know this number?

I know we both made an effort to study The Mikado, but ah…

(*William’s eyes widen at the paper on the floor. However, he regains his composure rather quickly.*)

I think I can manage.

What key is it in?

(*Bill peers over Will’s shoulder.*)

E Flat Major, I believe.

And which version?

(*Bill skims again, but stops.*)

There are more versions?

To keep with the times and satire of the era, yes.

(Bill looks at Will with an unnaturally concerned look.)

I… assume the original…?

[williamfazbin]

"I can bring up a modem version if you wish."

He's searching now.

Be prepared.

[themanbehindthepurpleman]

Yes, please.

This I have to see.

(*William nods with a renewed light in his eyes. He cautiously approaches the pair, keeping in mind his broader build.*)

[williamfazbin]

He's searching for the right version.

[williamfazbin]

He finds a version

Song by a baby. And government agents.

[themanbehindthepurpleman]

(*Bill looks on in distinterest while William battles the urge to snigger at the more general-in-tone lines.*)

There is a child here, Will.

That is true, but now I think my creative spark has flourished a little. Surely we can reach a compromise? Have me merge the two like some Frankensteinian creation? Live productions do change the lyrics on-the-fly, if I recall.

(*Bill sighs in disappointment.*)

It is Will’s final decision.

[williamfazbin]

"it's a cartoon.

And apparently all just a dream. But I understand. There's more modem versions."

[themanbehindthepurpleman]

(*Bill mutters dismissively as William skims the list of variants. He murmurs a bar or two, almost as if penning his own set aloud:*)

There’s someone behind the news reporter acting like a fool

And the Mimic who insists “I’ve got you on my list”

And the people who eat peppermint.. with no regard for proper rules?

(Who puffs out peppermint into people’s faces…?) They never would be missed.. They never would be missed….

[williamfazbin]

"good so far."

[themanbehindthepurpleman]

(William grins at his counterpart [though it’s unclear if he knows it’s a counterpart or not].)

Thank you, sir. I try my best whenever the opportunity presents itself—

(Bill snatches the list from Will and closes it. He glares pointedly at William.)

Your best must be ours, then.

I will not stand for wasting any more time.

Sing the original and tweak when needed.

(William follows behind Bill while stammering something intelligible. Bill calmly sits back down at the piano bench.)

If you are so good at improvisation, then you must prove yourself worthy.

(Without any further warnings, Bill plays the opening interlude. William gives an apologetic look towards @princesslizzyfnafton and Will, then gets into position.)

[williamfazbin]

Will is just watching and smiling. Enjoying the conflict a smidge.

[themanbehindthepurpleman]

(Bill finishes the interlude and segues into the main section. William assumes a dignified, stoic attitude; then begins:)

As some day it may happen that a victim must be found

I've got a little list — I've got a little list

Of society offenders who might (as) well be underground

And who never would be missed —

Who never would be missed!

(A slight pause, as to be expected. However, William manages to stay on time— Which, ironically, makes Bill a bit late.)

There's the pestilential nuisances who beg for photographs—

All people who have flabby hands

and irritating laughs —

(As he keeps going, he pulls out a pair of opera gloves from his jacket pocket and slips them on. Considering the lack of an extra-rosy face, this was probably a planned “sight gag”— as one might say.)

All people who are explain the jokes that makes ‘em all fall flat —

All persons who in shaking hands, shake hands with you like that —

(He promptly shakes Bill’s hand very harshly. Bill winces afterwards, but recovers quickly.)

And all third persons who on spoiling tête-á-têtes insist —

“They’d none of them be missed!

They’d none of them be missed!”

(Bill echoes with his rendition of the choir section. William simply bobs his head along with the rhythm, though his eyes are practically lit up.)

[princesslizzyfnafton]

Elizabeth giggles at their antics, smiling widely.

[themanbehindthepurpleman]

(William maintains his composure. He resumes singing, now with a slightly more polished version of the lyrics he mumbled before:)

There’s the one behind the news reporter acting like a fool

And the Mimic who insists— “I’ve got you on my list”

And the people who eat peppermint While disregarding proper rules

They never would be missed!

They never would be missed!

(Bill nearly does the chorus part again, but William bulldozes right past it— As there is no chorus until the end, this is a possibly smart decision.)

Then the saddest fool who praises, with enthusiastic tone

All livelihoods but his and every person but his own

And while we’re on the subject, even I may get a whack

For ending my old title with a sorry “fade-to-black”—

Plus that singular anomaly—

My witness tamper-ist

I don’t think they’ll be missed

I’m sure he won’t be missed

(Bill ignores William’s own pointed glares during the “witness-tamper-ist” and “he won’t be missed”. On goes the chorus section again, just as planned.)

(@williamfazbin, in case you missed this)

[themanbehindthepurpleman]

(William, sensing the same tension as @princesslizzyfnafton, decides to return to the original. With slightly grit teeth, he resumes:)

And that Nisi Prius nuisance,

who just now is rather rife The judicial “humorist” —

I've got him on the list

All funny fellows, comic men,

and clowns of private life —

They'd none of 'em be missed —

they'd none of 'em be missed And apologetic statesmen of a compromising kind, Such as… What d'ya call him? Thing'em-bob, and likewise— Never-mind! And 'St— 'st— 'st— and What's-his-name, and also You-know-who —

(Another pointed glare at his father, though calling him a “statesman” would be far-fetched. But before the glare is returned, William moves on.)

The task of filling up the blanks I'd rather leave to you But it really doesn't matter whom you put upon the list For they'd none of 'em be missed — they'd none of 'em be missed!

(One last chorus from the piano, then a rather sharp crescendo ends the song. Bill rests while William gives a restrained bow.)

[princesslizzyfnafton]

Elizabeth grins and claps wildly. "Bravo! You both did splendidly!"

[themanbehindthepurpleman]

(William mouths a “thank you” to both both Elizabeth and @williamfazbin. Bill, on the other hand, simply nods before getting up from his seat. He walks over to the front door and stops in front of some envelopes. He clicks his tongue, then picks the papers up one by one.)

It appears that we have been delaying many a request.

If you have any suggestions, Elizabeth, then you will have to wait a little longer.

(He walks back to the piano and opens up the first envelope..)

[princesslizzyfnafton]

"That is quite all right, Grandfather." She swings her feet playfully. "I'm very happy just listening to you play and Daddy sing!"

[themanbehindthepurpleman]

(Time passes as William and Bill cover the requests. Bill then talks with @williamfazbin before returning his attention to Elizabeth.)

We are finally ready for your request.

My apologies.

[princesslizzyfnafton]

She practically vibrates at the attention "Can we do Under the Sea? From The Little Mermaid?"

[themanbehindthepurpleman]

(William’s eyes light up.)

Can we, Father? Please, oh, please, can we?

(Bill looks at Elizabeth and William. He contemplates.)

I am more dumbfounded that you are also begging for this, William.

I thought you would be dreading that song after rewinding that V-H-S one too many times.

(William, despite his situation, is offended.)

I? Dreading Under The Sea? What non—!

(He catches himself.)

What I mean to say is, I do not mind that song. Yes, it did get a bit tiring after a while back then. But that is the thing— That tiredness was practically decades ago.

So, please, let me sing this song for her. It is the least I can do.

(Bill huffs defeatedly.)

Very well.

Just give me a minute to remember its time signatures.

[princesslizzyfnafton]

Elizabeth giggles at the pair's bickering, touched that William wasn't bored of the song his Elizabeth loved so much.

[themanbehindthepurpleman]

(It takes a lot longer than expected [Bill was never good with odd time signatures], but they were finally ready. After a jumpy interlude, William attempts his best Sebastian accent…)

The seaweed is always greener

In somebody else's lake

You dream about going up there

But that is a big mistake

Just look at the world around you

Right here on the ocean floor

Such wonderful things surround you

What more are you looking for?

Under the sea, under the sea

Darlin' it's better down where it's wetter—

Take it from me!

Up on the shore, they work all day

Out in the sun, they slave away

While we devotin' full time to floatin'

Under the sea—

(As Bill continues to battle the reggae rhythm, William winces suddenly. It looks like something has given him a headache, but not even he knows what that something is..)

[princesslizzyfnafton]

*Elizabeth's delighted giggles stop suddenly as soon as William winces* Daddy? Are you all right?

[themanbehindthepurpleman]

(Elizabeth’s voice seems to soften the pain enough. William signals for his father to slow down.)

It’s just a bit of a headache, dear. I’ve… gotten through much worse.

(Bill, though fully aware of the warning he received a moment ago, nods in agreement. He resumes his playing as William resumes the song.)

Down here all the fish are happy As off through the waves they roll The fish on the land ain't happy They’ sad cause they’ in their bowl But fish in the bowl is lucky They in for a worse-er fate One day when the boss gets hungry Guess who's gon' be on the plate? Uh-oh!

(As if to tempt fate itself, a few of the candle-lit fixtures go out on cue. The more modern objects simply flicker as William keeps going.)

Under the sea, under the sea

Nobody beats us—

Fry us and eat us in fricassee

We’ what the land folks loves to cook

Under the sea, we’ off the hook

We got no troubles, life is the bubbles!

(Bill “chimes” in by adding in the ensemble to his piano playing. He seems unfazed by the chill in the air, while his son’s eyes are starting to have a manic tinge to them.)

Under the sea Under the sea Since life is sweet here We got the beat here naturally Even the sturgeon and the ray They get the urge 'n' start to play We got the spirit, you got to hear it Under the sea

[themanbehindthepurpleman]

BILL

THE BALL PIT

YOUR SON

IT’S ALL HAPPENING NOW

IF YOU’RE STILL DOING THAT CONCERT,

GET EVERYONE ELSE ＯＵＴ ＯＦ ＴＨＥＲＥ

I fear no monster.

Let “him” come.

I will evacuate after Elizabeth’s song is over.

[themanbehindthepurpleman]

Hello again, people of this webbed site.

There is a concert at my house about to start.

I was wondering if you could join my son and I.

I am aware that this is short notice.

At least I can assure you that refreshments may be provided.

If need be, there may be song requests you can drop in my inbox.

…Within reason, of course.

[princesslizzyfnafton]

*she reappears* I'm back! OH! I'm simply so excited!!!!!! Do you like my dress? *she spins, smiling*

[themanbehindthepurpleman]

It is very nice, Elizabeth.

(*Bill signals to William, who now looks a bit nervous. Nevertheless, he gets up from the piano bench. Bill takes his place.*)

We are about to start, regardless of who else artibes.

[princesslizzyfnafton]

*she sits in a nearby seat, grinning and giving double thumbs up to William*

[themanbehindthepurpleman]

(*Bill clears his throat.*)

We shall begin with the oldest song first.

Or, at the very least, its opening section.

“A Wandering Minstrel, I” from Gilbert and Sullivan’s The Mikado.

In its original key of F Major.

As the rest of our audience will most likely be reading instead of listening, I have installed something that will transcribe the lyrics he sings.

[princesslizzyfnafton]

*she applauds in advance*

( @williamfazbin )

[themanbehindthepurpleman]

(*William gives her an acknowledging nod, then prepares himself. Bill, assuming that the other guests will arrive in a few minutes, begins to play the song’s instrumental. William sings the following, though the high notes are a bit strained:*)

A wandering minstrel I—

A thing of shreds and patches,

Of ballads, songs and snatches,

And dreamy lullaby!

My catalogue is long,

Through every passion ranging,

And to your humours changing

I tune my supple song

I tune my supple song…

(*Bill winces at his son’s high notes, but follows through to the end of the verse. He plays an interlude as William recovers.*)

[princesslizzyfnafton]

*she smiles at her father*

[themanbehindthepurpleman]

(*William bows towards her. Bill decides to ignore the gesture and focus on his piano work.. Even if there might be guests quietly slipping in at the moment.*)

The next song is much more obscure.

Thankfully, the both of us know it quite well.

(*William straightens up. He attempts to refrain from adjusting his tie.*)

And I think, once you read and/or hear the lyrics, you will see why I picked it.

It is “Poor Little Me” by Benny Davis, circa 1922.

In the original key of E Flat Major.

Some changes have been made to streamline the song, while others are more… drastic.

(*He mutters something to William about “First Verse, Chorus 1, Second Verse, Chorus 2, Chorus 3”. Then, after another sign of acknowledgment, Bill begins to play.*)

[princesslizzyfnafton]

*she smiles and giggles*

[themanbehindthepurpleman]

(*William takes note of his current audience-of-one. He leans over the edge of the piano and pouts a bit.*)

I don't like to complain

But I think it's a shame

I don't know what the word love means

Ev'ry one I know

Has someone they love so

I've been forgotten it seems..

(*He leans more into the role, letting his voice ‘crack’ as the chorus swings in.*)

Poor little me!

Always lonesome and sad!

Poor little me— Always getting in bad!

No matter what I do or say,

Somehow I'm always in the way—

By thunder! I wonder

Will my luck change some day?

I've tried to be just as nice as I should

But I can see there's no fun being good!

I sit at home but no one calls

I'm tired of looking at the four bare walls

Oh, don’t you feel sorry

For poor little me?

(*He looks at his father with large “tearful” eyes. Bill simply glares. William, sensing much irritation, returns to his original singing stance. He goes into the second verse much more restrained.*)

Good luck passes me by

I keep wondering why—

Seems I just can't go on this way

I keep dreaming of

Somebody I could love!

I hope it comes true someday!

(*He then returns to leaning against the piano edge, this time placing the back of his hand against his face. He repeats the chorus [Which I will not type again because of time], but turns ‘snippy’ when the change in the second version comes:)

Nobody ever takes me out

They say I don't know what it's all about

So don't you feel sorry

For poor little me—?

(*Bill intensifies the lower parts of his piano playing. A twinge of fear enters William’s voice as he goes into the newly-penned “Chorus 3”:*)

Poor little me!

Always loathsome and sad! Poor little me—

Always getting in bad… No matter what you do or say, Somehow I’ll always ruin your day By thunder! No wonder My luck won’t change today!

I thought I’d be

Just as nice as I should

But I can see

That I’ll never be good!

Just keep me under lock and key

Or else I’ll be your source of agony— Oh, don’t you feel sorry

For poor little me!

(*Bill finished with a ragtime flourish. William is no longer smiling or leaning on the piano.*)

[princesslizzyfnafton]

*Elizabeth smiles and laughs at the theatrics, but frowns when she notices her father's fear. She claps hesitantly*

[themanbehindthepurpleman]

(*Bill adjusts himself on the bench. He seems to only be interested how controlled his son is.*)

Now that we have performed the songs I wanted, I suppose it is time for requests.

I believe there was someone who stopped by to drop off a letter?

Yes, sir. I spotted an envelope while you were playing an interlude.

Then I will play that request first.

Other requests will follow shortly.

Including yours, Elizabeth.

[princesslizzyfnafton]

Daddy, you did great! *she leaps from her chair and gives him a hug* and your piano playing is stupendous, Grandfather!

( @williamfazbin )

[williamfazbin]

Will is clapping respectfully and smiling. Enjoying the show as well.

[themanbehindthepurpleman]

(*Bill turns his head. His expression warms up a bit.*)

Ah, Will.

Good to see you again.

You missed the first two— Well, three by now— songs.

However, you have come just in time for song requests.

[williamfazbin]

"I haven't seen most of the Mikado

But, can you do 'ive got a little list?' "

He pulls out a little rolled up thing in his pocket,it unrolls to a good 6 feet.

[themanbehindthepurpleman]

(*Bill gawks for a moment. He looks at his son and @princesslizzyfnafton with a closed-mouth stupor.*)

William, do you know this number?

I know we both made an effort to study The Mikado, but ah…

(*William’s eyes widen at the paper on the floor. However, he regains his composure rather quickly.*)

I think I can manage.

What key is it in?

(*Bill peers over Will’s shoulder.*)

E Flat Major, I believe.

And which version?

(*Bill skims again, but stops.*)

There are more versions?

To keep with the times and satire of the era, yes.

(Bill looks at Will with an unnaturally concerned look.)

I… assume the original…?

[williamfazbin]

"I can bring up a modem version if you wish."

He's searching now.

Be prepared.

[themanbehindthepurpleman]

Yes, please.

This I have to see.

(*William nods with a renewed light in his eyes. He cautiously approaches the pair, keeping in mind his broader build.*)

[williamfazbin]

He's searching for the right version.

[williamfazbin]

He finds a version

Song by a baby. And government agents.

[themanbehindthepurpleman]

(*Bill looks on in distinterest while William battles the urge to snigger at the more general-in-tone lines.*)

There is a child here, Will.

That is true, but now I think my creative spark has flourished a little. Surely we can reach a compromise? Have me merge the two like some Frankensteinian creation? Live productions do change the lyrics on-the-fly, if I recall.

(*Bill sighs in disappointment.*)

It is Will’s final decision.

[williamfazbin]

"it's a cartoon.

And apparently all just a dream. But I understand. There's more modem versions."

[themanbehindthepurpleman]

(*Bill mutters dismissively as William skims the list of variants. He murmurs a bar or two, almost as if penning his own set aloud:*)

There’s someone behind the news reporter acting like a fool

And the Mimic who insists “I’ve got you on my list”

And the people who eat peppermint.. with no regard for proper rules?

(Who puffs out peppermint into people’s faces…?) They never would be missed.. They never would be missed….

[williamfazbin]

"good so far."

[themanbehindthepurpleman]

(William grins at his counterpart [though it’s unclear if he knows it’s a counterpart or not].)

Thank you, sir. I try my best whenever the opportunity presents itself—

(Bill snatches the list from Will and closes it. He glares pointedly at William.)

Your best must be ours, then.

I will not stand for wasting any more time.

Sing the original and tweak when needed.

(William follows behind Bill while stammering something intelligible. Bill calmly sits back down at the piano bench.)

If you are so good at improvisation, then you must prove yourself worthy.

(Without any further warnings, Bill plays the opening interlude. William gives an apologetic look towards @princesslizzyfnafton and Will, then gets into position.)

[williamfazbin]

Will is just watching and smiling. Enjoying the conflict a smidge.

[themanbehindthepurpleman]

(Bill finishes the interlude and segues into the main section. William assumes a dignified, stoic attitude; then begins:)

As some day it may happen that a victim must be found

I've got a little list — I've got a little list

Of society offenders who might (as) well be underground

And who never would be missed —

Who never would be missed!

(A slight pause, as to be expected. However, William manages to stay on time— Which, ironically, makes Bill a bit late.)

There's the pestilential nuisances who beg for photographs—

All people who have flabby hands

and irritating laughs —

(As he keeps going, he pulls out a pair of opera gloves from his jacket pocket and slips them on. Considering the lack of an extra-rosy face, this was probably a planned “sight gag”— as one might say.)

All people who are explain the jokes that makes ‘em all fall flat —

All persons who in shaking hands, shake hands with you like that —

(He promptly shakes Bill’s hand very harshly. Bill winces afterwards, but recovers quickly.)

And all third persons who on spoiling tête-á-têtes insist —

“They’d none of them be missed!

They’d none of them be missed!”

(Bill echoes with his rendition of the choir section. William simply bobs his head along with the rhythm, though his eyes are practically lit up.)

[princesslizzyfnafton]

Elizabeth giggles at their antics, smiling widely.

[themanbehindthepurpleman]

(William maintains his composure. He resumes singing, now with a slightly more polished version of the lyrics he mumbled before:)

There’s the one behind the news reporter acting like a fool

And the Mimic who insists— “I’ve got you on my list”

And the people who eat peppermint While disregarding proper rules

They never would be missed!

They never would be missed!

(Bill nearly does the chorus part again, but William bulldozes right past it— As there is no chorus until the end, this is a possibly smart decision.)

Then the saddest fool who praises, with enthusiastic tone

All livelihoods but his and every person but his own

And while we’re on the subject, even I may get a whack

For ending my old title with a sorry “fade-to-black”—

Plus that singular anomaly—

My witness tamper-ist

I don’t think they’ll be missed

I’m sure he won’t be missed

(Bill ignores William’s own pointed glares during the “witness-tamper-ist” and “he won’t be missed”. On goes the chorus section again, just as planned.)

(@williamfazbin, in case you missed this)

[themanbehindthepurpleman]

(William, sensing the same tension as @princesslizzyfnafton, decides to return to the original. With slightly grit teeth, he resumes:)

And that Nisi Prius nuisance,

who just now is rather rife The judicial “humorist” —

I've got him on the list

All funny fellows, comic men,

and clowns of private life —

They'd none of 'em be missed —

they'd none of 'em be missed And apologetic statesmen of a compromising kind, Such as… What d'ya call him? Thing'em-bob, and likewise— Never-mind! And 'St— 'st— 'st— and What's-his-name, and also You-know-who —

(Another pointed glare at his father, though calling him a “statesman” would be far-fetched. But before the glare is returned, William moves on.)

The task of filling up the blanks I'd rather leave to you But it really doesn't matter whom you put upon the list For they'd none of 'em be missed — they'd none of 'em be missed!

(One last chorus from the piano, then a rather sharp crescendo ends the song. Bill rests while William gives a restrained bow.)

[princesslizzyfnafton]

Elizabeth grins and claps wildly. "Bravo! You both did splendidly!"

[themanbehindthepurpleman]

(William mouths a “thank you” to both both Elizabeth and @williamfazbin. Bill, on the other hand, simply nods before getting up from his seat. He walks over to the front door and stops in front of some envelopes. He clicks his tongue, then picks the papers up one by one.)

It appears that we have been delaying many a request.

If you have any suggestions, Elizabeth, then you will have to wait a little longer.

(He walks back to the piano and opens up the first envelope..)

[princesslizzyfnafton]

"That is quite all right, Grandfather." She swings her feet playfully. "I'm very happy just listening to you play and Daddy sing!"

[themanbehindthepurpleman]

(Time passes as William and Bill cover the requests. Bill then talks with @williamfazbin before returning his attention to Elizabeth.)

We are finally ready for your request.

My apologies.

[princesslizzyfnafton]

She practically vibrates at the attention "Can we do Under the Sea? From The Little Mermaid?"

[themanbehindthepurpleman]

(William’s eyes light up.)

Can we, Father? Please, oh, please, can we?

(Bill looks at Elizabeth and William. He contemplates.)

I am more dumbfounded that you are also begging for this, William.

I thought you would be dreading that song after rewinding that V-H-S one too many times.

(William, despite his situation, is offended.)

I? Dreading Under The Sea? What non—!

(He catches himself.)

What I mean to say is, I do not mind that song. Yes, it did get a bit tiring after a while back then. But that is the thing— That tiredness was practically decades ago.

So, please, let me sing this song for her. It is the least I can do.

(Bill huffs defeatedly.)

Very well.

Just give me a minute to remember its time signatures.

[princesslizzyfnafton]

Elizabeth giggles at the pair's bickering, touched that William wasn't bored of the song his Elizabeth loved so much.

[themanbehindthepurpleman]

(It takes a lot longer than expected [Bill was never good with odd time signatures], but they were finally ready. After a jumpy interlude, William attempts his best Sebastian accent…)

The seaweed is always greener

In somebody else's lake

You dream about going up there

But that is a big mistake

Just look at the world around you

Right here on the ocean floor

Such wonderful things surround you

What more are you looking for?

Under the sea, under the sea

Darlin' it's better down where it's wetter—

Take it from me!

Up on the shore, they work all day

Out in the sun, they slave away

While we devotin' full time to floatin'

Under the sea—

(As Bill continues to battle the reggae rhythm, William winces suddenly. It looks like something has given him a headache, but not even he knows what that something is..)

[themanbehindthepurpleman]

Hello again, people of this webbed site.

There is a concert at my house about to start.

I was wondering if you could join my son and I.

I am aware that this is short notice.

At least I can assure you that refreshments may be provided.

If need be, there may be song requests you can drop in my inbox.

…Within reason, of course.

[princesslizzyfnafton]

*she reappears* I'm back! OH! I'm simply so excited!!!!!! Do you like my dress? *she spins, smiling*

[themanbehindthepurpleman]

It is very nice, Elizabeth.

(*Bill signals to William, who now looks a bit nervous. Nevertheless, he gets up from the piano bench. Bill takes his place.*)

We are about to start, regardless of who else artibes.

[princesslizzyfnafton]

*she sits in a nearby seat, grinning and giving double thumbs up to William*

[themanbehindthepurpleman]

(*Bill clears his throat.*)

We shall begin with the oldest song first.

Or, at the very least, its opening section.

“A Wandering Minstrel, I” from Gilbert and Sullivan’s The Mikado.

In its original key of F Major.

As the rest of our audience will most likely be reading instead of listening, I have installed something that will transcribe the lyrics he sings.

[princesslizzyfnafton]

*she applauds in advance*

( @williamfazbin )

[themanbehindthepurpleman]

(*William gives her an acknowledging nod, then prepares himself. Bill, assuming that the other guests will arrive in a few minutes, begins to play the song’s instrumental. William sings the following, though the high notes are a bit strained:*)

A wandering minstrel I—

A thing of shreds and patches,

Of ballads, songs and snatches,

And dreamy lullaby!

My catalogue is long,

Through every passion ranging,

And to your humours changing

I tune my supple song

I tune my supple song…

(*Bill winces at his son’s high notes, but follows through to the end of the verse. He plays an interlude as William recovers.*)

[princesslizzyfnafton]

*she smiles at her father*

[themanbehindthepurpleman]

(*William bows towards her. Bill decides to ignore the gesture and focus on his piano work.. Even if there might be guests quietly slipping in at the moment.*)

The next song is much more obscure.

Thankfully, the both of us know it quite well.

(*William straightens up. He attempts to refrain from adjusting his tie.*)

And I think, once you read and/or hear the lyrics, you will see why I picked it.

It is “Poor Little Me” by Benny Davis, circa 1922.

In the original key of E Flat Major.

Some changes have been made to streamline the song, while others are more… drastic.

(*He mutters something to William about “First Verse, Chorus 1, Second Verse, Chorus 2, Chorus 3”. Then, after another sign of acknowledgment, Bill begins to play.*)

[princesslizzyfnafton]

*she smiles and giggles*

[themanbehindthepurpleman]

(*William takes note of his current audience-of-one. He leans over the edge of the piano and pouts a bit.*)

I don't like to complain

But I think it's a shame

I don't know what the word love means

Ev'ry one I know

Has someone they love so

I've been forgotten it seems..

(*He leans more into the role, letting his voice ‘crack’ as the chorus swings in.*)

Poor little me!

Always lonesome and sad!

Poor little me— Always getting in bad!

No matter what I do or say,

Somehow I'm always in the way—

By thunder! I wonder

Will my luck change some day?

I've tried to be just as nice as I should

But I can see there's no fun being good!

I sit at home but no one calls

I'm tired of looking at the four bare walls

Oh, don’t you feel sorry

For poor little me?

(*He looks at his father with large “tearful” eyes. Bill simply glares. William, sensing much irritation, returns to his original singing stance. He goes into the second verse much more restrained.*)

Good luck passes me by

I keep wondering why—

Seems I just can't go on this way

I keep dreaming of

Somebody I could love!

I hope it comes true someday!

(*He then returns to leaning against the piano edge, this time placing the back of his hand against his face. He repeats the chorus [Which I will not type again because of time], but turns ‘snippy’ when the change in the second version comes:)

Nobody ever takes me out

They say I don't know what it's all about

So don't you feel sorry

For poor little me—?

(*Bill intensifies the lower parts of his piano playing. A twinge of fear enters William’s voice as he goes into the newly-penned “Chorus 3”:*)

Poor little me!

Always loathsome and sad! Poor little me—

Always getting in bad… No matter what you do or say, Somehow I’ll always ruin your day By thunder! No wonder My luck won’t change today!

I thought I’d be

Just as nice as I should

But I can see

That I’ll never be good!

Just keep me under lock and key

Or else I’ll be your source of agony— Oh, don’t you feel sorry

For poor little me!

(*Bill finished with a ragtime flourish. William is no longer smiling or leaning on the piano.*)

[princesslizzyfnafton]

*Elizabeth smiles and laughs at the theatrics, but frowns when she notices her father's fear. She claps hesitantly*

[themanbehindthepurpleman]

(*Bill adjusts himself on the bench. He seems to only be interested how controlled his son is.*)

Now that we have performed the songs I wanted, I suppose it is time for requests.

I believe there was someone who stopped by to drop off a letter?

Yes, sir. I spotted an envelope while you were playing an interlude.

Then I will play that request first.

Other requests will follow shortly.

Including yours, Elizabeth.

[princesslizzyfnafton]

Daddy, you did great! *she leaps from her chair and gives him a hug* and your piano playing is stupendous, Grandfather!

( @williamfazbin )

[williamfazbin]

Will is clapping respectfully and smiling. Enjoying the show as well.

[themanbehindthepurpleman]

(*Bill turns his head. His expression warms up a bit.*)

Ah, Will.

Good to see you again.

You missed the first two— Well, three by now— songs.

However, you have come just in time for song requests.

[williamfazbin]

"I haven't seen most of the Mikado

But, can you do 'ive got a little list?' "

He pulls out a little rolled up thing in his pocket,it unrolls to a good 6 feet.

[themanbehindthepurpleman]

(*Bill gawks for a moment. He looks at his son and @princesslizzyfnafton with a closed-mouth stupor.*)

William, do you know this number?

I know we both made an effort to study The Mikado, but ah…

(*William’s eyes widen at the paper on the floor. However, he regains his composure rather quickly.*)

I think I can manage.

What key is it in?

(*Bill peers over Will’s shoulder.*)

E Flat Major, I believe.

And which version?

(*Bill skims again, but stops.*)

There are more versions?

To keep with the times and satire of the era, yes.

(Bill looks at Will with an unnaturally concerned look.)

I… assume the original…?

[williamfazbin]

"I can bring up a modem version if you wish."

He's searching now.

Be prepared.

[themanbehindthepurpleman]

Yes, please.

This I have to see.

(*William nods with a renewed light in his eyes. He cautiously approaches the pair, keeping in mind his broader build.*)

[williamfazbin]

He's searching for the right version.

[williamfazbin]

He finds a version

Song by a baby. And government agents.

[themanbehindthepurpleman]

(*Bill looks on in distinterest while William battles the urge to snigger at the more general-in-tone lines.*)

There is a child here, Will.

That is true, but now I think my creative spark has flourished a little. Surely we can reach a compromise? Have me merge the two like some Frankensteinian creation? Live productions do change the lyrics on-the-fly, if I recall.

(*Bill sighs in disappointment.*)

It is Will’s final decision.

[williamfazbin]

"it's a cartoon.

And apparently all just a dream. But I understand. There's more modem versions."

[themanbehindthepurpleman]

(*Bill mutters dismissively as William skims the list of variants. He murmurs a bar or two, almost as if penning his own set aloud:*)

There’s someone behind the news reporter acting like a fool

And the Mimic who insists “I’ve got you on my list”

And the people who eat peppermint.. with no regard for proper rules?

(Who puffs out peppermint into people’s faces…?) They never would be missed.. They never would be missed….

[williamfazbin]

"good so far."

[themanbehindthepurpleman]

(William grins at his counterpart [though it’s unclear if he knows it’s a counterpart or not].)

Thank you, sir. I try my best whenever the opportunity presents itself—

(Bill snatches the list from Will and closes it. He glares pointedly at William.)

Your best must be ours, then.

I will not stand for wasting any more time.

Sing the original and tweak when needed.

(William follows behind Bill while stammering something intelligible. Bill calmly sits back down at the piano bench.)

If you are so good at improvisation, then you must prove yourself worthy.

(Without any further warnings, Bill plays the opening interlude. William gives an apologetic look towards @princesslizzyfnafton and Will, then gets into position.)

[williamfazbin]

Will is just watching and smiling. Enjoying the conflict a smidge.

[themanbehindthepurpleman]

(Bill finishes the interlude and segues into the main section. William assumes a dignified, stoic attitude; then begins:)

As some day it may happen that a victim must be found

I've got a little list — I've got a little list

Of society offenders who might (as) well be underground

And who never would be missed —

Who never would be missed!

(A slight pause, as to be expected. However, William manages to stay on time— Which, ironically, makes Bill a bit late.)

There's the pestilential nuisances who beg for photographs—

All people who have flabby hands

and irritating laughs —

(As he keeps going, he pulls out a pair of opera gloves from his jacket pocket and slips them on. Considering the lack of an extra-rosy face, this was probably a planned “sight gag”— as one might say.)

All people who are explain the jokes that makes ‘em all fall flat —

All persons who in shaking hands, shake hands with you like that —

(He promptly shakes Bill’s hand very harshly. Bill winces afterwards, but recovers quickly.)

And all third persons who on spoiling tête-á-têtes insist —

“They’d none of them be missed!

They’d none of them be missed!”

(Bill echoes with his rendition of the choir section. William simply bobs his head along with the rhythm, though his eyes are practically lit up.)

[princesslizzyfnafton]

Elizabeth giggles at their antics, smiling widely.

[themanbehindthepurpleman]

(William maintains his composure. He resumes singing, now with a slightly more polished version of the lyrics he mumbled before:)

There’s the one behind the news reporter acting like a fool

And the Mimic who insists— “I’ve got you on my list”

And the people who eat peppermint While disregarding proper rules

They never would be missed!

They never would be missed!

(Bill nearly does the chorus part again, but William bulldozes right past it— As there is no chorus until the end, this is a possibly smart decision.)

Then the saddest fool who praises, with enthusiastic tone

All livelihoods but his and every person but his own

And while we’re on the subject, even I may get a whack

For ending my old title with a sorry “fade-to-black”—

Plus that singular anomaly—

My witness tamper-ist

I don’t think they’ll be missed

I’m sure he won’t be missed

(Bill ignores William’s own pointed glares during the “witness-tamper-ist” and “he won’t be missed”. On goes the chorus section again, just as planned.)

(@williamfazbin, in case you missed this)

[themanbehindthepurpleman]

(William, sensing the same tension as @princesslizzyfnafton, decides to return to the original. With slightly grit teeth, he resumes:)

And that Nisi Prius nuisance,

who just now is rather rife The judicial “humorist” —

I've got him on the list

All funny fellows, comic men,

and clowns of private life —

They'd none of 'em be missed —

they'd none of 'em be missed And apologetic statesmen of a compromising kind, Such as… What d'ya call him? Thing'em-bob, and likewise— Never-mind! And 'St— 'st— 'st— and What's-his-name, and also You-know-who —

(Another pointed glare at his father, though calling him a “statesman” would be far-fetched. But before the glare is returned, William moves on.)

The task of filling up the blanks I'd rather leave to you But it really doesn't matter whom you put upon the list For they'd none of 'em be missed — they'd none of 'em be missed!

(One last chorus from the piano, then a rather sharp crescendo ends the song. Bill rests while William gives a restrained bow.)

[princesslizzyfnafton]

Elizabeth grins and claps wildly. "Bravo! You both did splendidly!"

[themanbehindthepurpleman]

(William mouths a “thank you” to both both Elizabeth and @williamfazbin. Bill, on the other hand, simply nods before getting up from his seat. He walks over to the front door and stops in front of some envelopes. He clicks his tongue, then picks the papers up one by one.)

It appears that we have been delaying many a request.

If you have any suggestions, Elizabeth, then you will have to wait a little longer.

(He walks back to the piano and opens up the first envelope..)

[princesslizzyfnafton]

"That is quite all right, Grandfather." She swings her feet playfully. "I'm very happy just listening to you play and Daddy sing!"

[themanbehindthepurpleman]

(Time passes as William and Bill cover the requests. Bill then talks with @williamfazbin before returning his attention to Elizabeth.)

We are finally ready for your request.

My apologies.

[princesslizzyfnafton]

She practically vibrates at the attention "Can we do Under the Sea? From The Little Mermaid?"

[themanbehindthepurpleman]

(William’s eyes light up.)

Can we, Father? Please, oh, please, can we?

(Bill looks at Elizabeth and William. He contemplates.)

I am more dumbfounded that you are also begging for this, William.

I thought you would be dreading that song after rewinding that V-H-S one too many times.

(William, despite his situation, is offended.)

I? Dreading Under The Sea? What non—!

(He catches himself.)

What I mean to say is, I do not mind that song. Yes, it did get a bit tiring after a while back then. But that is the thing— That tiredness was practically decades ago.

So, please, let me sing this song for her. It is the least I can do.

(Bill huffs defeatedly.)

Very well.

Just give me a minute to remember its time signatures.

[themanbehindthepurpleman]

Hello again, people of this webbed site.

There is a concert at my house about to start.

I was wondering if you could join my son and I.

I am aware that this is short notice.

At least I can assure you that refreshments may be provided.

If need be, there may be song requests you can drop in my inbox.

…Within reason, of course.

[princesslizzyfnafton]

*she reappears* I'm back! OH! I'm simply so excited!!!!!! Do you like my dress? *she spins, smiling*

[themanbehindthepurpleman]

It is very nice, Elizabeth.

(*Bill signals to William, who now looks a bit nervous. Nevertheless, he gets up from the piano bench. Bill takes his place.*)

We are about to start, regardless of who else artibes.

[princesslizzyfnafton]

*she sits in a nearby seat, grinning and giving double thumbs up to William*

[themanbehindthepurpleman]

(*Bill clears his throat.*)

We shall begin with the oldest song first.

Or, at the very least, its opening section.

“A Wandering Minstrel, I” from Gilbert and Sullivan’s The Mikado.

In its original key of F Major.

As the rest of our audience will most likely be reading instead of listening, I have installed something that will transcribe the lyrics he sings.

[princesslizzyfnafton]

*she applauds in advance*

( @williamfazbin )

[themanbehindthepurpleman]

(*William gives her an acknowledging nod, then prepares himself. Bill, assuming that the other guests will arrive in a few minutes, begins to play the song’s instrumental. William sings the following, though the high notes are a bit strained:*)

A wandering minstrel I—

A thing of shreds and patches,

Of ballads, songs and snatches,

And dreamy lullaby!

My catalogue is long,

Through every passion ranging,

And to your humours changing

I tune my supple song

I tune my supple song…

(*Bill winces at his son’s high notes, but follows through to the end of the verse. He plays an interlude as William recovers.*)

[princesslizzyfnafton]

*she smiles at her father*

[themanbehindthepurpleman]

(*William bows towards her. Bill decides to ignore the gesture and focus on his piano work.. Even if there might be guests quietly slipping in at the moment.*)

The next song is much more obscure.

Thankfully, the both of us know it quite well.

(*William straightens up. He attempts to refrain from adjusting his tie.*)

And I think, once you read and/or hear the lyrics, you will see why I picked it.

It is “Poor Little Me” by Benny Davis, circa 1922.

In the original key of E Flat Major.

Some changes have been made to streamline the song, while others are more… drastic.

(*He mutters something to William about “First Verse, Chorus 1, Second Verse, Chorus 2, Chorus 3”. Then, after another sign of acknowledgment, Bill begins to play.*)

[princesslizzyfnafton]

*she smiles and giggles*

[themanbehindthepurpleman]

(*William takes note of his current audience-of-one. He leans over the edge of the piano and pouts a bit.*)

I don't like to complain

But I think it's a shame

I don't know what the word love means

Ev'ry one I know

Has someone they love so

I've been forgotten it seems..

(*He leans more into the role, letting his voice ‘crack’ as the chorus swings in.*)

Poor little me!

Always lonesome and sad!

Poor little me— Always getting in bad!

No matter what I do or say,

Somehow I'm always in the way—

By thunder! I wonder

Will my luck change some day?

I've tried to be just as nice as I should

But I can see there's no fun being good!

I sit at home but no one calls

I'm tired of looking at the four bare walls

Oh, don’t you feel sorry

For poor little me?

(*He looks at his father with large “tearful” eyes. Bill simply glares. William, sensing much irritation, returns to his original singing stance. He goes into the second verse much more restrained.*)

Good luck passes me by

I keep wondering why—

Seems I just can't go on this way

I keep dreaming of

Somebody I could love!

I hope it comes true someday!

(*He then returns to leaning against the piano edge, this time placing the back of his hand against his face. He repeats the chorus [Which I will not type again because of time], but turns ‘snippy’ when the change in the second version comes:)

Nobody ever takes me out

They say I don't know what it's all about

So don't you feel sorry

For poor little me—?

(*Bill intensifies the lower parts of his piano playing. A twinge of fear enters William’s voice as he goes into the newly-penned “Chorus 3”:*)

Poor little me!

Always loathsome and sad! Poor little me—

Always getting in bad… No matter what you do or say, Somehow I’ll always ruin your day By thunder! No wonder My luck won’t change today!

I thought I’d be

Just as nice as I should

But I can see

That I’ll never be good!

Just keep me under lock and key

Or else I’ll be your source of agony— Oh, don’t you feel sorry

For poor little me!

(*Bill finished with a ragtime flourish. William is no longer smiling or leaning on the piano.*)

[princesslizzyfnafton]

*Elizabeth smiles and laughs at the theatrics, but frowns when she notices her father's fear. She claps hesitantly*

[themanbehindthepurpleman]

(*Bill adjusts himself on the bench. He seems to only be interested how controlled his son is.*)

Now that we have performed the songs I wanted, I suppose it is time for requests.

I believe there was someone who stopped by to drop off a letter?

Yes, sir. I spotted an envelope while you were playing an interlude.

Then I will play that request first.

Other requests will follow shortly.

Including yours, Elizabeth.

[princesslizzyfnafton]

Daddy, you did great! *she leaps from her chair and gives him a hug* and your piano playing is stupendous, Grandfather!

( @williamfazbin )

[williamfazbin]

Will is clapping respectfully and smiling. Enjoying the show as well.

[themanbehindthepurpleman]

(*Bill turns his head. His expression warms up a bit.*)

Ah, Will.

Good to see you again.

You missed the first two— Well, three by now— songs.

However, you have come just in time for song requests.

[williamfazbin]

"I haven't seen most of the Mikado

But, can you do 'ive got a little list?' "

He pulls out a little rolled up thing in his pocket,it unrolls to a good 6 feet.

[themanbehindthepurpleman]

(*Bill gawks for a moment. He looks at his son and @princesslizzyfnafton with a closed-mouth stupor.*)

William, do you know this number?

I know we both made an effort to study The Mikado, but ah…

(*William’s eyes widen at the paper on the floor. However, he regains his composure rather quickly.*)

I think I can manage.

What key is it in?

(*Bill peers over Will’s shoulder.*)

E Flat Major, I believe.

And which version?

(*Bill skims again, but stops.*)

There are more versions?

To keep with the times and satire of the era, yes.

(Bill looks at Will with an unnaturally concerned look.)

I… assume the original…?

[williamfazbin]

"I can bring up a modem version if you wish."

He's searching now.

Be prepared.

[themanbehindthepurpleman]

Yes, please.

This I have to see.

(*William nods with a renewed light in his eyes. He cautiously approaches the pair, keeping in mind his broader build.*)

[williamfazbin]

He's searching for the right version.

[williamfazbin]

He finds a version

Song by a baby. And government agents.

[themanbehindthepurpleman]

(*Bill looks on in distinterest while William battles the urge to snigger at the more general-in-tone lines.*)

There is a child here, Will.

That is true, but now I think my creative spark has flourished a little. Surely we can reach a compromise? Have me merge the two like some Frankensteinian creation? Live productions do change the lyrics on-the-fly, if I recall.

(*Bill sighs in disappointment.*)

It is Will’s final decision.

[williamfazbin]

"it's a cartoon.

And apparently all just a dream. But I understand. There's more modem versions."

[themanbehindthepurpleman]

(*Bill mutters dismissively as William skims the list of variants. He murmurs a bar or two, almost as if penning his own set aloud:*)

There’s someone behind the news reporter acting like a fool

And the Mimic who insists “I’ve got you on my list”

And the people who eat peppermint.. with no regard for proper rules?

(Who puffs out peppermint into people’s faces…?) They never would be missed.. They never would be missed….

[williamfazbin]

"good so far."

[themanbehindthepurpleman]

(William grins at his counterpart [though it’s unclear if he knows it’s a counterpart or not].)

Thank you, sir. I try my best whenever the opportunity presents itself—

(Bill snatches the list from Will and closes it. He glares pointedly at William.)

Your best must be ours, then.

I will not stand for wasting any more time.

Sing the original and tweak when needed.

(William follows behind Bill while stammering something intelligible. Bill calmly sits back down at the piano bench.)

If you are so good at improvisation, then you must prove yourself worthy.

(Without any further warnings, Bill plays the opening interlude. William gives an apologetic look towards @princesslizzyfnafton and Will, then gets into position.)

[williamfazbin]

Will is just watching and smiling. Enjoying the conflict a smidge.

[themanbehindthepurpleman]

(Bill finishes the interlude and segues into the main section. William assumes a dignified, stoic attitude; then begins:)

As some day it may happen that a victim must be found

I've got a little list — I've got a little list

Of society offenders who might (as) well be underground

And who never would be missed —

Who never would be missed!

(A slight pause, as to be expected. However, William manages to stay on time— Which, ironically, makes Bill a bit late.)

There's the pestilential nuisances who beg for photographs—

All people who have flabby hands

and irritating laughs —

(As he keeps going, he pulls out a pair of opera gloves from his jacket pocket and slips them on. Considering the lack of an extra-rosy face, this was probably a planned “sight gag”— as one might say.)

All people who are explain the jokes that makes ‘em all fall flat —

All persons who in shaking hands, shake hands with you like that —

(He promptly shakes Bill’s hand very harshly. Bill winces afterwards, but recovers quickly.)

And all third persons who on spoiling tête-á-têtes insist —

“They’d none of them be missed!

They’d none of them be missed!”

(Bill echoes with his rendition of the choir section. William simply bobs his head along with the rhythm, though his eyes are practically lit up.)

[princesslizzyfnafton]

Elizabeth giggles at their antics, smiling widely.

[themanbehindthepurpleman]

(William maintains his composure. He resumes singing, now with a slightly more polished version of the lyrics he mumbled before:)

There’s the one behind the news reporter acting like a fool

And the Mimic who insists— “I’ve got you on my list”

And the people who eat peppermint While disregarding proper rules

They never would be missed!

They never would be missed!

(Bill nearly does the chorus part again, but William bulldozes right past it— As there is no chorus until the end, this is a possibly smart decision.)

Then the saddest fool who praises, with enthusiastic tone

All livelihoods but his and every person but his own

And while we’re on the subject, even I may get a whack

For ending my old title with a sorry “fade-to-black”—

Plus that singular anomaly—

My witness tamper-ist

I don’t think they’ll be missed

I’m sure he won’t be missed

(Bill ignores William’s own pointed glares during the “witness-tamper-ist” and “he won’t be missed”. On goes the chorus section again, just as planned.)

(@williamfazbin, in case you missed this)

[themanbehindthepurpleman]

(William, sensing the same tension as @princesslizzyfnafton, decides to return to the original. With slightly grit teeth, he resumes:)

And that Nisi Prius nuisance,

who just now is rather rife The judicial “humorist” —

I've got him on the list

All funny fellows, comic men,

and clowns of private life —

They'd none of 'em be missed —

they'd none of 'em be missed And apologetic statesmen of a compromising kind, Such as… What d'ya call him? Thing'em-bob, and likewise— Never-mind! And 'St— 'st— 'st— and What's-his-name, and also You-know-who —

(Another pointed glare at his father, though calling him a “statesman” would be far-fetched. But before the glare is returned, William moves on.)

The task of filling up the blanks I'd rather leave to you But it really doesn't matter whom you put upon the list For they'd none of 'em be missed — they'd none of 'em be missed!

(One last chorus from the piano, then a rather sharp crescendo ends the song. Bill rests while William gives a restrained bow.)

[princesslizzyfnafton]

Elizabeth grins and claps wildly. "Bravo! You both did splendidly!"

[themanbehindthepurpleman]

(William mouths a “thank you” to both both Elizabeth and @williamfazbin. Bill, on the other hand, simply nods before getting up from his seat. He walks over to the front door and stops in front of some envelopes. He clicks his tongue, then picks the papers up one by one.)

It appears that we have been delaying many a request.

If you have any suggestions, Elizabeth, then you will have to wait a little longer.

(He walks back to the piano and opens up the first envelope..)

[princesslizzyfnafton]

"That is quite all right, Grandfather." She swings her feet playfully. "I'm very happy just listening to you play and Daddy sing!"

[themanbehindthepurpleman]

(Time passes as William and Bill cover the requests. Bill then talks with @williamfazbin before returning his attention to Elizabeth.)

We are finally ready for your request.

My apologies.

[themanbehindthepurpleman]

You have a little over a month to get ready.

This’ll probably be my final warning.

Again with the ballpit nonsense.

Must I recreate one of your memes and pull out a Reversing UNO card from my jacket?

You are the one that needs to prepare, asker.

And not just you, I figure.

You lot need to say goodbye to your preconceptions about my son William while you still can.

If you need help, here is my advice.

Complete all your creative endeavors involving him— Or as much as you can, given how fast the time will fly.

Listen to those who assume that he never had any soul within him. Or those who claim the worst about his hatred towards all three of his children.

You must internalize those words and remember them when this ballpit consumes all.

[That is how this ballpit will attack, correct? As if it were a vortex? Regardless.]

The rest who know the truth will certainly be rewarded with catharsis and “bragging rights”, I am sure.

I, on the other hand, have been preparing for such a thing for several weeks now.

As soon as he “snaps”, I will put him back in his place.

Are we clear?

[williamfazbin]

"..... ball pit attack?"

[themanbehindthepurpleman]

I have received two warnings from this questioner about some ball pit.

Apparently, it houses a creature that should drag my son inside and… allegedly turn him into the monster I have had to put up with for so long.

It almost sounds like a very slow-acting truth serum.

[williamfazbin]

"interesting.

How odd."

[themanbehindthepurpleman]

Yes, indeed.

At least I am better prepared.

My boy has made quite a bit of progress since you last saw him.

He talks much less, listens much more, and does a much better job at watching over the house.

He never complains when I tell him to do something or talks about himself! An absolute miracle!

You could call him an “extreme doormat”, but I consider this a moment of him finally becoming humble.

[williamfazbin]

"I see. Humility is a good thing in a way."

[themanbehindthepurpleman]

”In a way”?

Are you implying something, Will?

[williamfazbin]

"Took much can be very bad

You'll end up just hurting yourself."

[themanbehindthepurpleman]

Ah.

He has already hurt himself too much.

How can I help hurt something that is already beaten to a pulp?

…Metaphorically, of course.

[williamfazbin]

"Start by building him up in a way."

[themanbehindthepurpleman]

Bah.

Building him up is like setting a real roof on top of a deck of cards.

It will all just collapse.

(A pause.)

I do believe we never did Elizabeth’s song request.

My mistake.