The Manic Room

I want this to be a safe place for anyone that is suffering from Bipolar Disorder, BPD, or any mental health issues. This is where I am coming to heal. This is my attempt to help anyone that may be going through the same thing as me.

[iirememberthinking]

Dear whoever is reading this: I wish you a life full of warmth and happiness and love. I hope you’re okay. And if you aren’t now, you will be.

[5000letters]

but it really is so important to find people who don’t lose patience with you or get angry if you’re being irrational or insecure or downright ridiculous, it is so so necessary to be treated with gentleness from loved ones and not to be made to feel like you’re irritating or a burden

[themanicroom]

The best part about being in a state of questioning your self worth? Not being able to talk to anyone about it because you feel like you're a burden, or just an annoying inconvenience.

Thanks for always having my back Tumblr.

[themanicroom]

It's going to be a long one, feel free to scroll by. I just need to get some emotions out. Also, hey Tumblr, it's been a minute. Looks like I'm back. I don't even know where to begin. So I guess I'll just jump in. My partner and I have had a lot of trouble over the years we've been together. A lot of drama, a lot of letting other people influence us and our decisions - it hasn't been great.

My partner went behind my back with a few different people towards the beginning of our relationship. Whether they were just talking, or doing more than that. I still to this day don't think I know everything. I too had an instance where I did the same. I thought I wanted to separate, but in turn because I didn't quite know what I wanted I made a mistake. I truly hate myself, and the way I handled that situation. I hurt two people with my indecisiveness. As a human who feels pain, and every other emotion in such raw form I feel for both of them. As a partner, I feel my partner's pain and it still hurts me to this day - I can never take it back and that will forever be with me. Our relationship has been dysfunctional from the very beginning yet we hold on to one another for dear life. It's absolutely crazy. Throughout all the times that I caught them, the pain, embarrassment, and my insecurities would get the best of me. "Why am I not enough?" , "What do they have that I don't?" As someone with BPD I'm about as moldable as they come, and I absolutely have molded to my partner and what they want me to be. Not every last little thing, but I am no where close to who I was all those years ago. Some of the changes were good. Some of them, I absolutely hate when I'm looking at myself.

Fast forward a few years. One of the people they were caught with is now part of my everyday life. Just today alone I walked past them 3-4 times. They said hi to me. I said hi back. Did they know my partner was talking to them behind my back? Did my partner keep them in the dark just as much as they did to me? Something that I thought I was over - or that I had at least processed - just all came flooding back. The next time we crossed paths I couldn't help but look a little longer to compare them to all my insecurities. Nicer hair, skinnier, clear complexion, overall just well put together with what looked like no effort.

Ah. That's why. I guess I get it now.

Then come the thoughts of the others. So I start looking up their social media - comparing. Coming down on myself for all the things they are and I'm not. All the reasons my partner wanted them and not me.

One of them is married now. Something I know I'll never have. I gave up on that a long time ago. The other - well, I don't see why with that one, but I guess there were perks I wasn't providing. I can't talk to my partner about it. They weren't all that willing to talk about them when it happened. The one that I'll be seeing everyday - When I confronted my partner all those years ago I got an insincere "Sorry". When I told them it didn't sound sincere the response I got was, "It wasn't".

I have these overwhelming feelings of resentment, loneliness, embarrassment, insecurity, and anger.

I have the overwhelming feeling to walk away because I couldn't do it then, when it was fresh. I worked so hard to try and move past it, and I was so sure I had. Now I just feel shitty like it is fresh, like it did just happen.

I want to go through all their accounts. I want to know if there's more, or was more. I want to find something so I can tell them to leave. It's like I'm back a square one and for all I know they haven't done anything since then. I chose to stay so in turn I chose to move past it. I don't go through their accounts, their PC, anything because I wanted so desperately to just trust and move on. For me.

Honestly, I think I did actually trust them for the most part - there was always that small suspicion in the back of my mind, but I don't know if that would ever go away. Now I'm on a level where I feel crazy. Like the past couple years never even happened, and I'm back to the beginning of all this shit. The self-loathing. Will I go through all their stuff? No. 1, I really don't want to know. 2, I don't want this to cause a setback in our relationship. 3, please see point 1 again - Ignorance is bliss.

So instead I'll go through a few weeks of some pretty severe splitting and then hopefully it'll just all blow over I guess?

Welcome back to the fucking rabbit hole. All because I crossed paths with one of them. Fuck.

[vc-allthetime]

if you’re on tumblr and over the age of 24 it means the mental illness won

[andjablogge]

[kumboochies]

[themanicroom]

[larnco95]

[sa-dnesss]

[suspend]

on We Heart It.

[this-unearthed-being]

[not mine] dead.

[jee-q]

words are too easy. you’ve got to show me

[thxtfuckup]

[themanicroom]

I feel jealousy over characters in movies, books, and tv shows. I know it's not real, it's a script, but damn.

I have always been the hopeless romantic in my relationships.

I just for once, want to be spoiled by a surprise trip, a cute little thing from the store that made them think of me, a conversation about goals in life, some sort of evidence that they want to build and invest in our future.

Anything.

[themanicroom]

I have been so hard on myself lately. In turn, I have been incredibly unhappy.

Not unhappy in anyone else's eyes, I keep the mask on for them.

I have so many lines, and boundaries that I want to set for myself so I can have a better quality of life.

The problem? If I set those boundaries, and mark those lines, I'm going to lose people in my life that I'm not ready to lose.

They're not causing any damage by being here. They're just not... adding anything either.

For now, I will just continue on this neutral path as I am not ready for the confrontation or difficulties that lie ahead.

[depresseddisneyprincess]

[themanicroom]

Being high functioning sucks sometimes.

[perfectfeelings]

“I’m tired of fighting for things that I’m never going to have.”

—

[thewanderingmillennial]

Very important.

[themanicroom]

Something I am trying so hard to learn, and yet everyone and everything still comes first.