The Marriage Place

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How To Rekindle a Relationship

10 Easy Ways To Rekindle A Relationship With Your Spouse

Even the best relationships have dry spells of disconnection but it is important to take notice during these times and be intentional in your efforts to reconnect. Life gets busy and you get tired but rekindling the spark doesn’t have to require as much effort as you may think. Here are some easy ways to put some life back into your relationship.

1. Make eye contact. Couples who sit in my office often cannot maintain eye contact when speaking to one another. That’s because looking into someone’s eyes is intimate and that’s why it is often uncomfortable for couples who are struggling. You can significantly bump up levels of passion and love by holding your partner with your eyes. You get extra bonus points if you can do this while making love. Try it and you can thank me later.

2. Share your mutual love of something together. When you both gush over your love for your kids it increases your love and appreciation for each other. In fact, some experts say you can fall in love again with someone just by sharing a mutual love of something or someone else. Your kids or grandkids, a new puppy, a trip to someplace you love to explore. Sharing these experiences together will increase your happiness with each other.

3. Cuddle time. Skin to skin contact releases a very powerful bonding chemical, oxytocin. Something as small as holding hands will trigger your brain to pump you both full of chemicals that increase your feelings of attraction and attachment. Don’t just sit in the same room when binging on Netflix. Snuggle up and cuddle.

4. New experiences. It is so easy to get into the same boring routines. You eat the same meals at the same restaurants and your couple time is watching tv in the same room. Shake things up just a bit. One couple I worked with tried a different restaurant every month. Cook something new together. Buy bikes and go on rides. On a larger scale, travel someplace you haven’t been before. New adventures will increase your levels of happiness and satisfaction. Try it!

5. Find a workshop, retreat or conference that is geared towards helping couples feel connected. A marriage getaway experience will help you focus on your relationship and see each other in a different way. Nowadays, you can find several online so you don’t even have to leave your house but finding one with a beach or mountain location will satisfy two ways to rekindle love. See #4.

6. Remember the good old days. Reminiscing is a great way to get the heart softening for each other again. Watch your wedding video together or browse through the wedding album. Look at old photos. Read the cards or letters you sent each other back when your love was new and intense. Pour some red wine, grab some chocolate and settle in for a trip down memory lane. Because I love both wine and chocolate, I recommend DeBrands truffle collection you can find here paired with a smooth red wine.

7. Take a shower together. No sex required but bonus points if it happens. 🙂 Even better, soak in a hot bubble bath together with a glass of chilled white wine and light some candles. Download conversation starters from here (link to our store) and have fun exploring your partner’s mind and body.

8. Take your cup of morning coffee outside on the patio/porch together. Just a change of scenery can turn the ordinary into something….well…..less ordinary. Adventure can be found in your own backyard.

9. Read these books to each other. Out Loud

She Comes First: The Thinking Man’s Guide to Pleasuring a Woman (Kerner)

He Comes Next: The Thinking Woman’s Guide to Pleasuring a Man

10. Participate in the Japanese art of Naikan reflection. This is a powerful tool that will help each of you develop a deeper sense of gratitude for the other as you contemplate how much you give and receive daily. Each of you will answer the following 3 questions.

*What have I received?

*What have I given? *What troubles or difficulties have I caused?

Here is a brief explanation of the exercise as well as a worksheet to help guide you.

Relationships are always changing and they need care and attention. Sometimes it will require you reaching out and taking the initiative to light the spark. I hope you enjoy trying some of these ideas and you find new ways to connect with your partner. consider giving us a call or scheduling a Discovery Call to learn more.

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Accelerated Resolution Therapy

The history of therapy is built around the idea of talking through our hurts and emotional baggage in the hopes that we will gain new insight, experience catharsis, or get help in reframing our problems so we feel better about them. Lots of people are helped and feel supported through talk therapy but sometimes it is simply not enough to help us feel better. In fact, sometimes talk therapy can cause us to feel worse as we dredge up painful memories that leave us feeling exhausted but give us no relief. This happens when we only access the part of the brain that tells the story of what is causing us pain without engaging the part of the brain that carries all the emotions and bodily sensations that are a result of the story.

Confused yet? Here is a simplified version of how the brain stores trauma. The left side of your brain is where your logical thinking process happens. It problem solves and keeps the facts of the events of your life. Think….fact without emotion. The right side of your brain is your creative mind and that is where images, feelings and sensations are stored. So when you remember a painful event, your left brain recalls the facts and your right brain engages the emotions and sensations that come along with those facts.

Sometimes you know when you recall a painful memory you are going to experience strong emotions like fear, anger, guilt or sadness. Here is an example. You were attacked by a vicious dog and now you are afraid of all dogs. You may even have an irrational fear of being outside because a dog may attack you again. This fear can create panic every time you leave your house. You know where it comes from but you can’t stop feeling the panic even though the dog attack is unlikely to ever happen again. This is because your left brain knows that logically you are safe but your right brain has not gotten the memo and it signals all the alarms to protect you even though there is no real threat.

Accelerated Resolution Therapy will engage both sides of your brain to process those memories, feelings and sensations so your left brain can communicate to your right brain that you are safe and your panic and anxiety leave. ART is a cutting edge treatment that combines cognitive behavioral therapy with modern technology to achieve maximum results within the shortest period of time. It can help people who suffer from anxiety, depression, trauma, and more.

Pretty cool stuff right?

Here is another example. Let’s say you are in a relationship where you often get angry and escalate fights with your partner. You know you need to get a handle on your anger but rage hits you before you even see it coming. Your therapist does ART with you and you realize you had an experience in your childhood where you felt powerless to protect yourself. You had no idea the two were connected but your right brain uses anger to protect you when you feel threatened so you never feel powerless again. You process through that experience with ART and your rage issues go away.

Both of those examples are real-life experiences where ART has helped someone get better quickly without months of talking through issues. The problem with traditional therapy is that it often requires a long and tedious process before any results happen. Sometimes you just need results immediately! In fact, over 80% of patients who have tried ART have reported significant improvement after just one session.

ART v. EMDR

Some of you have heard of or done EMDR and you may be wondering how it is different from ART. Both therapies use techniques to engage both sides of the brain and both are scientifically valid forms of trauma therapy. The most important difference for me as a therapist is EMDR allows the client to have more control of their desensitization process which can leave clients stuck in distressing memories and sensations. In ART, the therapist is more direct and moves the client to more positive feelings and sensations more quickly. There is a place for both techniques in treating mental health but I prefer ART for its simplicity and efficiency.

Interested in ART?

We can help! If you’re interested in Accelerated Resolution Therapy as a treatment method, give us a call! We have several counselors specially trained in this new cutting-edge treatment. If you questions about it, feel free to reach out to our team or I would love to hear from you in the comments below!

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DOES PORNOGRAPHY HURT MARRIAGE?

Our team at The Marriage Place is determined to bring our very best to our clients. In order to do so, we commit to weekly training as a team where we share counseling approaches and new developments in our profession.

This past week we watched a video that reconvicted us all on the the need to address what is often an enormous elephant in the room during sessions. Those of you who have followed my blog for any period of time know I don’t shy away from tough topics. And this one is no exception – pornography.

The prevalence of pornography in our society is pretty obvious. Our social media, movies, and local news are all full of it or full of stories about it. And we get mixed messages. It’s why the #metoo movement and the new Fifty Shades movie can not only coexist, but thrive, often receiving support from the same fan base.

I regularly see pornography’s impact among the couples we counsel. In fact, I’d estimate that as many as half the couples we work with are affected by at least one spouse’s use of pornography, either before or during the marriage.

I will be sharing more with you in the upcoming weeks on this topic, but for now, I wanted to mention a couple of statistics you may find surprising:

More and more research is proving that porn use within marriage increases the rate of divorce. This makes sense to me. Porn has already been proven to rewire our brains and it certainly changes our sexual expectations in our real-world relationships.

In one study, porn watching increased the occurrence of divorce for men from 5% to 10% and for women 6% to 18%.

A matrimonial lawyers’ association reported that 56% of divorces involve a spouse with a pornography obsession.

”56% of divorces involve a spouse with a pornography obsession.”CLICK TO TWEET

Even scarier, our children – not only our sons, but our daughters as well – are being sucked into porn and its desensitizing view of sex.

87% of young men and 31% of young women report using pornography.

67% of young men and 49% of young women agree that viewing pornography is acceptable.

In college, 68% of men and 18% of women view porn at least once a week.

51% of males and 32% of females report first viewing porn before their teen years.

Male sexual dysfunction is occurring at younger ages, with research pointing to the high ongoing use of pornography as a contributing factor.

These statistics are sobering aren’t they? And these are just a sampling. (Links to the relevant research are provided below.)

More than just the statistics

If you’re still reading this post, chances are pornography is already more than just a statistic to you. It becomes very personal very quickly when you walk in on your husband viewing a porn video. Or when you discover your wife up late in an internet chat room. Or when your son or daughter tries to quickly hide what they’re viewing on their phone when you walk into the room.

Many of us have been there at some point. The “anytime-you-want-it” nature of online porn has changed how we talk about sex in our homes, from intimate discussions with our spouses to how we have “the talk” with our kids. It’s also impacting when we have the talk, assuming, of course, we want to get to them before the Internet does.

Taking control

Some would say the prevalence and impact of porn is not a big deal. Or that it’s a done deal and we should accept it and move on.

Others will tell you how bad it is but don’t take a single step to address it in their own lives or the lives of their kids.

That’s not me though. The culture of pornography leaves behind mental, emotional and physical wreckage and to ignore it, is dangerous. I believe it is possible to address the impact of pornography in your family in a healthy way.

In fact, I don’t just believe it, I’ve seen it.

I’ve seen husbands admit their porn obsession, put it behind them, and reclaim healthy relationships with their wives.

I’ve seen wives emerge from the fantasy world of online affairs into a richer, healthier sex life with their husbands.

I’ve seen parents learn how to inoculate their children against the sexualized world through honest, realistic, appropriate conversations.

If pornography is part of your world and you want to start down a new path, we can help you do it. All of our counselors and coaches are trained to address the effects of pornography on individuals, couples, and families and we also have a sexual addiction specialist, Sam John, on staff.

We can help you, if you’ll simply reach out.

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WHEN MY SPOUSE CAN’T GIVE ME WHAT I NEED

We all have to do it.

At some point in our marriages, we must come to terms with one simple fact: “I want ————– and my spouse isn’t capable of giving it.”

Fill in the blank with anything: emotional intimacy, exciting sex, intellectual partnership – even something mundane like a more organized garage! Whatever it is, at some point it becomes obvious that this missing piece won’t be something we can realistically expect from our spouse. Ever.

The missing piece

The yearning for these missing pieces usually comes at a time when we feel stuck in our relationship. We’re wanting something more or something different and we zero in on a certain aspect of the relationship as THE missing piece. The missing piece is usually something we didn’t realize we needed during the “honeymoon phase” of our relationship. But as the honeymoon wore off and we weren’t quite as blinded by the love, we began to identify more of our wishes and wants in the relationship. And now, this missing piece? We really need it, and by golly we’re going to make sure our spouse knows we expect them to deliver it.

Over and over we revisit this issue. It becomes a focal point in many of our discussions. Our arguments. And the crazy thing is, sometimes our spouse even accepts that they need to provide this missing piece. And they try. But delivering it – at least not consistently – is just not in them.

My husband

For example, let’s talk about my husband. Bless this man! He continues to be so generous about letting me share aspects of our personal relationship with the rest of the world.

This man has many natural gifts and I love him dearly. But keeping it real, juggling multiple tasks well is not one of those gifts.

This was, and often still is, an important thing to me. It irks me to no end when something falls through the cracks. I’ll come home tired and wanting nothing more than to turn my brain off, to discover that he forgot to make an important phone call, or pay a bill, or help one of our kids with a project.

My wonderful partner has acknowledged this missing piece often, and he has attempted to fill it in. Over and over again. But truthfully, it really hasn’t improved much, even after many years of marriage. It’s still a missing piece for me.

I grieve this. I often feel hurt by it. But it’s not going to change. So what do I do?

The marriage cycle of closeness, hurt, distance, repair

Here’s the reality: Marriage is a steady, ongoing cycle of closeness, hurt, distance and repair.

We initially feel close to our spouse, then something happens that creates disappointment or hurt feelings. Then we put distance between ourselves in an attempt to make the pain go away.

''Our society doesn't know how to deal with natural marriage cycle of closeness, hurt,distance and repair.''

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We initially feel close to our spouse, then something happens that creates disappointment or hurt feelings. Then we put distance between ourselves in an attempt to make the pain go away.

Dealing with disappointment

Our society doesn’t know how to deal with disappointment and hurt in marriage. To most people, this cycle means it must be a bad marriage. If I’m getting hurt, and if I feel like my spouse and I aren’t as close anymore, then our marriage must be on the rocks.

But this is normal relationship. Please hear me on this. There is always pain in true relationship. Marriage basically means giving your heart to someone else. Inevitably, they won’t treat it as carefully as they should, and it will get hurt.

We must feel the hurt. We must experience the distance. Then we must work together to repair the relationship, from a place of honest commitment to one another. As we do the work, we’ll find a new, deeper level of closeness. That’s where the true richness of the relationship will be found.

That’s where we become close again, in a deeper way.

A relationship a-ha moment

When you realize that your spouse is in some way a disappointment to you, you are forced to take stock. Ask yourself these questions:

Is my marriage worth the grieving I need to do to come to terms with the disappointment?

Am I getting enough from my relationship to keep from being bitter about what I’m not getting?

Will my disappointment be the focus of my marriage?

If you concentrate on what you are not getting, I guarantee discontent, anger and bitterness will be knocking on your doorstep, ready to take up permanent residence.

Your other option of course, is to decide the positive things you take from your marriage far outweigh the value of the missing piece, making the struggle to live without it, more than worth it.

In my case, that’s what I did. Would I choose to have to handle far fewer things myself? Absolutely. But when I look past the disappointment, I realize I get so much more from my marriage. I get a man who loves me without limits. A husband who is forgiving and kind, gracious and generous. And I choose that.

If you are struggling to prioritize the missing piece in your relationship, consider working with us. We can help you figure out where you are in the marriage cycle right now, and what your next steps could be.

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DOES MARRIAGE COUNSELING WORK?

The short answer…it depends. Couples counseling can be one of the most powerful healing agents available. It can truly transform your relationship and your life. But it can also turn out to be a huge waste of your time and money and, in some cases, make things even worse than they were before.

Your best bet to getting the most out of the counseling experience rests with YOU. It is YOUR relationship. YOUR money. YOUR counseling.

To begin with, do your best to choose the right counselor. Here are some quick guidelines to finding the “right” counselor.

You and your partner feel comfortable with this person.

The counselor is truly a relationship expert. 75% or more of their caseload should be working with couples. This is harder to find than you might expect, but it’s worth the effort.

The counselor is not afraid to call either of you out on your stuff. Some counselors are conflict avoidant and have a very difficult time holding a partner accountable for bad behavior.

The counselor is directive. They offer you more than the standard “How does that make you feel?” line.

You can afford to see this person regularly for years if that’s what it takes. A solid, experienced couples therapist will be costly. Expect $150 to $400 an hour. This is not the time to look for someone cheap. A really good couples therapist is worth the cost. You can certainly find someone for less money but that doesn’t mean you will get anything of value from the experience.

Finding the right therapist is only the beginning. After finding the right therapist, it is important for you and your partner to be the right kind of client. Being the right kind of client is more than just showing up to your session each week and hoping the counselor is good enough to fix what is broken. Fixing you is not their job. Showing you what needs to be fixed is! A good therapist will help you see things about yourself, your partner and the pattern of interaction between you. It’s up to you to find the motivation and courage to be willing to look at yourself honestly and change. So here are some quick guidelines for how to be the right client:

You are patient and willing to put in the time. Lasting change is not quick or easy. Expect setbacks and have the persistence to keep working.

Be willing to be uncomfortable. Few people are comfortable being confronted with how they really show up in their relationship. Most people have an idea or story they tell themselves where they are more innocent and their partner more guilty. Be willing to look at yourself honestly.

Manage your reactions. If you are someone who is very reactive to criticism, you are going to make the therapy process much harder and longer for everyone, including your therapist!

Be willing to focus more on changing you than changing your partner. If you really want your partner to change, you will have to focus on what you do that makes it harder for your partner to give you what you want.

Risk vulnerability. You will have to speak up about what you want and need even if your partner reacts poorly. That takes courage!

When the right kind of client finds the right kind of marriage therapist, big impactful change in your marriage is possible! If you are the right kind of client and ready for change, consider giving us a call or scheduling a Discovery Call to learn more.

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PSYCHOLOGICAL TRAUMA RECOVERY

Childhood experiences can impact our current daily life and our ability to have healthy functioning interpersonal relationships. They can also distort our perception of ourselves and others.

When I am working with a couple, sometimes it is clear there are dynamics in the relationship stemming from experiences that predate the relationship. These pre-existing conditions often go unnoticed as a contributing source to the couple’s struggles – until, of course, they are pointed out by a therapist trained to recognize and address them.

Our Formative Years

We are all shaped into the adults we are today by our experiences during our formative years (birth to 18). Not only are our bodies physically morphing during this time, we are emotionally and developmentally morphing as well.

When a child experiences trauma, it can stunt – or even halt – emotional development. So while our bodies continue to grow and we begin to look like adults, there can be components of our emotional development that are underdeveloped or still childlike.

What is Trauma?

Research has shown that any experience that is less than nurturing during our formative years can create trauma wounds that, left untreated, are capable of hindering or preventing our ability to maintain healthy functional relationships as adults.

''Any experience that is less than nurturing can create trauma wounds that hinder our ability to maintain healthy functional relationships as adults''

CLICK TO TWEET

Read that last sentence again. Any experience that is less than nurturing.

Some trauma is blatant and easily recognizable. Sexual and physical abuse are examples and we all know the horrible devastation they cause.

Other trauma however, isn’t so obvious. This ‘relational trauma’ can be very subtle and even unintentional. It can look like unintentional neglect or subtle manipulation. It can also look like a “lack of” – a lack of affection, or comfort, or attention, or appropriate limits. Though not blatant or intentional, it still can have a significant impact on our abilities to love ourselves and others.

The Effects of Relational Trauma

In short, it fuels self-defeating behaviors.

Issues like anger and rage. Or depression and anxiety.

It can cause persistent feelings of rejection, loneliness or inferiority.

Addictions. Fears of abandonment. Low self-esteem.

It can put you in a pattern of choosing people who are not good for you.

It can cause problems with emotional connection and intimacy in relationships.

Just to name a few.

Often, these self-defeating behaviors need to be addressed before couples counseling can be fully effective – and lasting.

Treating Trauma

Studies have shown that, to be effective, trauma must be treated experientially rather than just cognitively (learned with our brain), so it was important to me to have a program available here at The Marriage Place to help our clients do this important work.

We call it our Breaking Free Workshop. ''“Trauma must be treated experientially rather than just cognitively in order to be effective.''CLICK TO TWEET

The 3-Day Breaking Free Workshop

Based on the pioneering research of Pia Mellody, Senior Fellow at The Meadows and author of Facing Codependence (a great book by the way!), each 3-Day Breaking Free Workshop is limited to a small group – usually 3 or 4 – and facilitated by one of my most experienced therapists. The workshop provides a safe environment for participants to:

Explore the origins of their relational trauma;

Identify and recognize their adaptive survival mechanisms;

Learn how to release negative emotions rooted in painful experiences;

Re-parent the parts of themselves that have been shamed, neglected or abandoned; and

Reclaim their intrinsic worth

What to expect

I’m often asked what to expect from a Breaking Free Workshop. Well, in the words of our clients, it’s transformational, life-changing and healing.

Those are big words with lofty expectations and I’m always a little hesitant to use them because 1) I think – in general – they get overused and 2) every client’s experience is different.

But I’ve seen it time and again and still sometimes find myself amazed at the difference I see in clients after they’ve gone through a Breaking Free Workshop.

I had a client whose anger and rage were so explosive his wife and kids were scared to get close. When I saw him for the first time afterward, I noticed he even carried himself differently. He told me he learned he can feel hurt and express himself without yelling and screaming now.

It was certainly transformational. And life-changing – not only for him but for his family and for his marriage.

''When we’re afraid to bring up difficult topics with our spouses, we’re letting fear control the quality of our relationships.''

CLICK TO TWEET

What you can do now

None of us had perfect upbringings. None. Some of us know this all too well.

Some of us had parents that meant well but were carrying baggage of their own and didn’t realize we needed something more. Or parents who, due to circumstances beyond their control, weren’t always able to give us what we needed.

Some of us got what we needed from our families but experienced trauma at the hands of another caregiver. Or neighbor. Or (fill in the blank).

Some of us don’t even realize yet that we didn’t get what we needed during our formative years.

But if you are dealing with symptoms of relational trauma – like the self-defeating behaviors I listed earlier – I hope you’ll consider reaching out and letting us help you address the source. There are coaches and counselors here at The Marriage Place that can help you find the answers.

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Knowing how to repair a rupture is a critical skill for any successful long-term relationship, and it’s a skill not many couples possess.

It’s a repeating cycle. You feel connected to someone. Someone gets their feelings hurt. One or both of you pull back. Repair is made and you feel close again.

Or not. Unfortunately, what happens for many couples is they get stuck in distance and a solid, appropriate repair is never achieved. Knowing how to repair a rupture is a critical skill for any successful long-term relationship, and it’s a skill not many couples possess.

John & Mary — A Typical “Repair” Attempt

Instead of repairing, here is how those couples attempt to move from distance to closeness.

John comes home after a bad day at the office and says something hurtful to Mary. Mary reacts to the comment with something equally unkind and unhelpful. Both resort to the silent treatment for hours, or maybe even days. While they are stewing, both dwell on all the previous times their partner behaved poorly. Their hostility grows as they become focused on the perceived flaws of the other. Eventually, at least one of them gets tired of the stress and tension and offers an olive branch in the form of humor, perhaps a brief “I’m sorry”, or simply stops the silent treatment. The other accepts this and the couple moves forward like nothing happened. It’s the proverbial “sweep it under the rug” method. The relief they feel from the lessening hostility certainly feels as if they are moving past repair to closeness, but the reality is there is a simmering problem lying just beneath the surface.

Think of it this way. Your relationship is like a bank account. Some call it a “Love Bank.” All of your positive interactions are deposits into the account. The negative interactions are withdrawals. Every positive interaction adds a few cents to the account balance, which over time, can really add up. Negative interactions, however, tend to be costly, resulting in big withdrawals from the account. Yes, a single negative interaction can outweigh tens and tens of positive ones. That’s why a solid repair is golden. It adds BIG money back to your Love Bank that otherwise would be depleted by the negative interaction.

Let’s circle back to John and Mary. Even though the couple may feel some temporary relief, the reality is that without repair, they are taking more out of their Love Bank than they are putting in. An overdrawn Love Bank spells long-term trouble for their relationship. So what would a good repair for this couple look like?

John & Mary: A Healthy Repair

John comes home after a bad day and says something hurtful to Mary. Mary reacts to the comment with something equally unkind and unhelpful. One of them calls a “time out”. They spend some time apart cooling off and trying to figure out what just happened. Instead of focusing on how angry they feel or how unfairly they were treated, they each focus on understanding they responded the way they did. They attempt to put themselves in the other person’s shoes. John realizes he was out of line. He sees how his bad day at the office made him irritable and he came home and took it out on Mary. Mary realizes that while John’s comment was inappropriate, she certainly raised the bar by retaliating in kind. She has noticed he is more irritable lately but she doesn’t why. Now that she is calmer, Mary tells John she wants to talk when he feels ready. Their interaction goes something like this.

Mary: When you came home and snapped at me today, it hurt my feelings. I got really angry and said some things I regret. I’m truly sorry. I want to understand what happened for you? Was this about me or something else?

John: Honestly, it was more about my bad day at the office than anything else. At least my delivery was. I was rude and unkind and I’m sorry.

Mary: Thank you. I really do want to hear about your day. But it seems like your response to me wasn’t about your day. Was there more to it than just work? Is it something I did?

John: Well, when I come home from work, I would like to have a few minutes to reorient before I am hit with a list of things I need to do around here. It would be nice to maybe get a hug and a moment of calm before the storm. (Mary can feel herself getting a little emotionally triggered. It isn’t like she jumps him with a list the moment he appears. And what about all she does while he is gone all day? She wants to justify and defend but she holds steady. She reminds herself to breathe and to not react.)

Mary: It sounds like you feel a lot of stress at work and then you come home and feel a lot of pressure here too. Is that right?

John: Yes, sometimes. I don’t expect to avoid the pressures and stress at home though. I’d just like to ease into them after a long day. Would that be okay? Does that upset you?

Mary: I think it is reasonable, but admittedly, this is hard to hear. I really do handle most things on my own without asking for help. So when you say that, it makes me wonder if you think I am not doing a good job of reigning in the chaos at home.

John: That’s not at all what I’m saying. I know you have a stressful job here with the kids all day. I do want to help you when I’m home. Otherwise you are the on-point person 24/7. Mary, you are a wonderful mom and partner. Maybe we can set up a routine where we take 15 minutes when I first come home, to sit down together, take a breather, and just talk about our day instead of immediately launching into the to-do list? Could we try that?

Mary: I can’t promise we will be able to do that every day, but I do like the idea of starting the evening with some connection time if the kids and their schedules will allow it. I can see this is important to you and I love that you want to spend time with me. I will really try to make this a priority. If I forget, a gentle reminder will go a long way rather than what happened today.

John: I’m really sorry about today. I reacted poorly and it sounds like I added to your stress. I’d like to understand what you are feeling.

Mary: Well, I sometimes feel you don’t understand how hard it is to be here all day with the kids. No adult interaction and someone always wanting something from me. Some days I’m literally counting down the hours till you come home just so I can go to the bathroom by myself. If it seems I am jumping on you the minute I see you, it’s probably because I am tired and frustrated.It feels like a reprieve when I hear that garage door open at the end of the day.

John: Yeah, I can see that. I feel that way sometimes when you are out on a Saturday and I’m home with the kids for just a couple of hours. Mary, what can I do to help you feel more supported or less stressed here?

Mary: Well..since you asked…you could give me one night off a week. One night where you do the dishes, give the kids their baths and put them to bed. I’d love some time just to soak in a tub or just vege with a book without the interruptions.

John: [smiling] I can do that. Thank you for initiating this conversation and checking in with me. I’m sorry I snapped at you and I want you to know how much I love and appreciate you.

Mary: I’m sorry too. I love you, John. Thank you.

[They embrace]

Now folks, THIS is a solid repair. Yes, this is scripted and no, your ‘real life’ conversation may not flow so perfectly each and every time, but I don’t want you to miss the key components I’ve attempted to illustrate here:

John and Mary each:

Stayed emotionally calm after the initial rupture

Stayed curious on what the other experienced

Expressed empathy when appropriate (This is the magic sauce.)

Stayed away from blaming their partner

Apologized in a meaningful way

Was willing to work toward a solution

Different ruptures may require different types of repair, but in this case, John and Mary truly used the opportunity to bring them closer. Both felt heard and understood. Both felt valued and respected.

Though John and Mary are made-up characters, the situation portrayed is real. Similar situations happen regularly in each of our relationships. Real relationships, even real relationships will have ruptures. Every relationship will have some level of discord. The difference in a healthy relationship and one that isn’t as healthy, is not the absence of discord. It’s about the presence of a true repair process and the ability for each partner to be comfortable with a spouse who has different needs, wants, opinions — you name it — than they do. Oneness in marriage is not sameness. Which reminds me, let’s talk more about “differentiation” soon.

Until next time,

P.S. If you and your significant other need to practice making repair, I know some folks who can help . 😉

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For those of you who are alone and working to rescue your marriage and heal that broken relationship, I want you to know something.

Holidays are tricky. For some of us, the holidays represent family time and fond memories. For others, however, this time of year is just hard. We are reminded of the loved ones we’ve lost and relationships that are broken. For those of you who are alone and working to rescue your marriage and heal that broken relationship, I want you to know something.

Why? Because you are doing some of the hardest work in the world.

You have been told by your partner that he/she doesn’t love you anymore.

Your spouse wants out.

Maybe he/she has already moved out.

Maybe he/she is seeing someone else.

You feel panic and fear.

There isn’t really anyone to talk with about either.

Your family and friends hate to see you hurting, so they tell you to let your partner go.

They tell you to stop fighting.

They tell you that you can’t make someone love you.

You feel completely alone.

You are willing to do anything to save your marriage.

You understand the relationship has flaws.

You have flaws, and you are willing to do the work to make things better.

But your spouse wants nothing to do with you or your efforts.

You realize you are having to fight for this marriage by yourself.

Do you know what this says about you?

It says you are courageous.

It says YOU CAN DO HARD THINGS. I’m impressed with you.

You could turn your back and walk away without a fight.

You could get angry and blame your partner for everything wrong in the relationship.

But instead, you are willing to take an honest look at how you contributed to the problems.

We see a lot of clients who aren’t willing to be where you are now.

They minimize, suppress and deny any accountability.

And it causes so much ruin and pain in their lives.

And yet, they keep running, from one relationship to the next,

from one addiction to the next.

So THANK YOU! Thank you for doing the work.

You don’t have to fight alone.

I can’t tell you enough how important it is to have support and wise guidance during this time.

We want to walk alongside you as you fight for your relationship,

and for a better YOU in the relationship.

We are experts in saving marriages.

I can’t guarantee our coaches can help you save your marriage.

No one can honestly make that promise,

But I can promise this — If anything can work, our methods will.

It’s possible your spouse is truly done,

and nothing you change will save the marriage.

But it is also possible your spouse believes it is hopeless,

that no real or lasting change can occur, so they have shut themselves off.

They have detached emotionally. And physically.

They need to see something different from you-and soon.

If you want one-on-one sessions with a Marriage Coach, we can make that happen. Divorce is expensive and devastating.

Make the decision to invest in something positive.

Invest in changing YOU and then watch what can change in your relationship.

Schedule a to learn more about how we can help.

Do it TODAY.

We care. We are here for you.

Learn more  at https://themarriageplace.com

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Are you wishing your spouse would go to therapy with you? If so, you aren’t alone! I saw a statistic recently that said 90% of couples that..

Are you wishing your spouse would go to therapy with you? If so, you aren’t alone! I saw a statistic recently that said 90% of couples that will divorce, will do so without having ever talked to a marriage therapist. Honestly, it blows my mind. How can you throw away years of building a life together without even putting forth every effort to save it?

This got me thinking. What keeps people from reaching out to marriage experts in order to keep families together?

It’s a question that deserves thoughtful consideration.

I’ve personally found that when one partner is willing (and even desires) to do couples therapy, and their partner refuses to participate, most fall into one of these categories. Let’s take a look at each of them and I’ll offer up some helpful tips that can encourage them to participate.

The resistant partner is afraid certain subjects will be brought up during therapy, and they simply do not want to talk about them. Usually, these are topics that are especially painful. They may be embarrassing or shame-inducing, or they may address other significant wounding from the past. We all have had experiences that cause us pain — some may have caused physical pain, others mental and/or emotional. Even the thought of looking at the feelings behind the traumatic experiences causes distress, so putting their ‘head in the sand’ feels safer and much less vulnerable. We usually call these folks “avoidants” because they avoid going very deep into their feelings. They would prefer if you just got on board with “less is more” when it comes to emotions.

Tip: Express your desire to feel closer to your partner, but also let them know you respect their desire to move slowly. Assure them they will not have to talk about anything they do not want to bring up in session, and you will support them in holding that boundary. Offer to allow them to meet with the therapist privately if that will ease their concerns.

The Fearful & Defensive Spouse

Some of us have a very hard time owning the parts of ourselves that need to change. Your partner may realize they have some unhealthy behaviors or attitudes, and is afraid of being ganged up on by you and the therapist in session. Good therapy provides a space to safely look at some of the less attractive parts of ourselves (we all have them!), but a fearful and defensive spouse is scared of that spotlight.

Tip: Let your partner know you fully expect the therapist to be on the side of your marriage and encourage them to be open to whatever needs to be addressed. Assure them your intention is not to assign blame and that you are willing to see your side of the street in this relationship.

The Hopelessly Pessimistic Spouse

I think of the character, Eeyore, from Winnie the Pooh. Sometimes people have been frustrated so long they lose hope anything can or will ever change. They are convinced therapy will be a waste of time, money and effort. Sadly, this attitude can be a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Tip: Sometimes the only one who has hope in the counseling office is the therapist and that is ok to start. Let your spouse know that doing the same thing you are currently doing, will certainly guarantee nothing changes. Take the attitude of “What do we have to lose?” when talking about therapy. Be willing to come alone at first, if necessary, to set the example.

The Once Bitten, Twice Shy Spouse

If you are someone who gets upset when your partner tries to express a feeling or belief you don’t agree with, your partner may feel therapy isn’t worth the price they think they will pay. It is common for me to separate couples and speak to them individually at times during the therapy process, and I usually hear things come from one of them that are not said when both are together. A client once told me “the squeeze isn’t worth the juice”, meaning ‘I have to leave here and live with her, and she will make me miserable if she knows I said these things.’

Tip: Let your partner know that you have not always been receptive to feedback or criticism, and that you realize you have gotten upset about difficult conversations in the past. Assure them of your commitment to learn how to have these discussions and remain calm.

The “I’m Not Nuts” Spouse

I think this archaic view of therapy is finally changing, but some people still see therapy as only for ‘crazy people’. Interestingly, I think millennials are much more comfortable with therapy than prior generations. Afterall, they have grown up in the age of social media where everyone seems to share everything, and they don’t feel the need to hide it from anyone. In fact, I believe it puts them in a favorable light — as someone who is actively working to improve themselves. The older generations, as a whole, tend to view seeing a therapist as embarrassing and shameful, as if it is a weakness to not be able to fix your own problems. While I see this occasionally, our practice is actually full of 30, 40, 50, 60-somethings (and beyond) who have embraced the therapeutic process wholeheartedly!

Tip: Let your partner know that seeking therapy is a healthy response to figuring out solutions to problems. Reassure them that no one else has to even know they are getting help. Remind them your relationship is worth tolerating a little discomfort.

Sometimes a spouse is so checked out they have lost all desire to work on the marriage. Sometimes (though not always) the spouse is checked out because they are secretly involved with someone else. If they do come to therapy, they may appear to be participating, but have no follow through at home and make little to no effort in reconnecting. It’s actually a form of gaslighting, as the checked out spouse only pretends to be working for a better relationship because they aren’t yet ready to leave the marriage. Unfortunately, however, they have no desire to work on the relationship either. Honestly, this is frustrating for both the partner who wants to work and the therapist.

Tip: You may have to be firmer in approaching this topic by insisting that something change. Encourage your spouse to come to therapy with you but let them know if they do not participate, you will go alone to discuss what your options are when living with a spouse who isn’t interested in improving the marriage. Don’t threaten or get ugly. Just let them know you find their disinterest curious and you need to think about how you want to respond to their lack of interest.

Sometimes a spouse won’t come to therapy because they are in their comfort zone and simply aren’t hurting enough to make the effort to explore anything more. This is also the “I told you I loved you 20 years ago, if something changes, I’ll let you know.” spouse. Perhaps they don’t feel the need for the same close connection you desire and like things well enough at home. They may also be blindly unaware of just how unhappy you are; or, it’s possible they know and simply don’t care.They may also reason that the relationship is “good enough”.

Tip: Consider the same tip as for an apathetic spouse. Let your spouse know that while he/she may be satisfied, you certainly are not. You believe the marriage can be better for both of you and take the initiative to start therapy alone if needed.

The “It’s not me, it’s you” Spouse

Your partner may feel YOU are the one with the problem and you are the one that needs the help. This type of partner feels they have a good handle on what is wrong in the relationship and things would be better if you would just fix you.

Tip: Take a deep breath and try not to buy into your partner’s message that you are the problem. When you can respond without anger and defensiveness, let your partner know you want to better understand all the ways you have contributed to the marriage problems. Assure him/her you are open to seeing your part. Let him/her know you are more interested in improving things than assigning blame.

The good news is that even though your spouse may refuse to see a marriage therapist, you still have options to work on your marriage. Going alone to a qualified marriage coach or counselor can show initiative, It can also set the stage to encourage your spouse to ultimately join you.

While doing couples therapy solo isn’t ideal, you’d be surprised how productive it can be, allowing you to make changes in your relationship that actually benefit both of you. So, if your spouse is on this list, don’t give up and let their reluctance to participate keep you from moving forward towards positive changes in the relationship.

For more information on how we can help, schedule a quick 15-minute Free Discovery Call .

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When you are consumed with all the negatives, you’ll make yourself miserable. You’ll be restless. And things will feel hopeless.

It’s easy to spot a red car when you’re looking for a red car. It’s easy to spot an opportunity when you’re always thinking of opportunity. It’s easy to spot reasons to be mad when you’re always thinking about being mad. You become what you constantly think about. Watch yourself.

And it’s true. It’s also true in the context of your spouse and for your relationship.

If you are always thinking about the flaws of your spouse, you will absolutely find them.

If you are always looking for and dwelling on what’s wrong in your relationship, it will be easy to spot those things as well. After all, every marriage is flawed, even the best ones.

When you are consumed with all the negatives, you’ll make yourself miserable. You’ll be restless. And things will feel hopeless.

You’ll also be blinded to the possibilities.

I’m not saying to ignore the issues in your marriage. At all.

I’m saying let’s address them.

For some of you, this may mean some really tough decisions loom ahead. You may be in an abusive relationship and addressing it may mean leaving to focus on the health and healing possibilities outside of that abusive relationship.

For most of you however, I’m asking you to look inward, and to shift your focus to what your relationship rather than necessarily what it is now. Spend your energy and brain power focused on the good in your relationship and the dream of what you can do to make it better. Spend it focused on what your spouse does right and what attracted you to him/her originally — even though the negatives are still there too. Spend it on the parts of your life and your relationship that you want to grow and develop.

And then do something about it to make it a reality. That’s where my team can help .

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Today we’re going to be talking about how to build stronger, healthier, and happier relationships.

The start of the new year usually signifies new beginnings. For most, this may normally be for personal resolutions like losing weight, reading more, or saving money. However, don’t forget about your marriage!

Learn more  at https://themarriageplace.com

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KIM BOWEN offers relationship therapy through The Marriage Place. Her mission is to help couples build stronger, healthier and happier.

How To Rescue Your Marriage

KIM BOWEN is a licensed professional counselor who offers relationship therapy through her company, The Marriage Place. Her blogs and newsletters have been featured in various publications and she is the author of the book, The Love, Joy, Peace Workbook: A Couple’s Bible Study . She just relaunched her eBook Marriage Rescue: Triage Toolkit . Her mission is to help couples build stronger, healthier and happier relationships. She has been married to her husband, John, for 30 years. In this interview we discuss:

Her personal story and why she chose this work

Why women typically file for divorce more than men

Why Kim has a pro-marriage approach

How to separate kids and other marital stressors from the relationship

The Power of One theory

Tools to keep a marriage strong

How does one come to a decision on whether or not to end a marriage and what questions should one be asking themselves if they are stuck

Her relaunched eBook called The Marriage Rescue, Triage Toolkit

What Kims other offerings are

Blended family success stories

And much more!

Learn more  at https://themarriageplace.com

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What is Relationship Coaching? - We get inquiries from people all over the world looking for help and curious to know exactly what is this ‘Relationship Coaching’ we do.

We get inquiries from people all over the world looking for help and curious to know exactly what is this ‘Relationship Coaching’ we do.

Put in simplest terms, a relationship coach partners with their client to provide custom support and guidance to assist them in achieving specific relationship goals from the comfort of their own office or home. The great thing about our coaching program is that you are going to receive the same expertise and approach our in-house counselors offer their clients at The Marriage Place. The biggest difference is that you can do coaching from the comfort of your own home without worrying about long drives and the hassles of traffic.

Relationship coaching is forward-looking and solution-focused. In other words, it’s focused on what you can you do now to change or improve tomorrow. A relationship coach will not only help you set goals, but also help you identify and walk the path necessary to achieve them. The goals are unique to each client but are often focused on the areas of rescuing, restoring or improving their relationship. Coaches are not afraid to tell it like it is and are quick to guide you when you are unsure of what to do next.

I have friends to talk to so why would I need a coach?

We all need friends and family for support but when you are struggling with a relationship you need a “safe space” to process. Truth be told, family and friends often can’t offer that. For example, who do you talk to when your marriage is in trouble? You and your spouse share many of the same friends and family. If you discuss your “trouble in paradise” with common friends or family, the natural tendency is for people to take sides which isn’t going to help. Plus, you run the risk of becoming the latest victim of the local rumor mill. The biggest risk though is bad advice. Everyone will have an opinion on what you should (or shouldn’t) do or say. The problem is they aren’t marriage experts. Their wrong advice may be well intentioned, but it is still wrong advice that could further damage your relationship. A coach doesn’t have a hidden agenda. They don’t take sides and they don’t hold grudges. Even better….they are experts and can help you restore a failing marriage or improve your fractured relationship.

Relationship Coaching at The Marriage Place

Our coaches are truly relationship experts. They help clients with areas that are getting in the way of them having the marriage or relationship they want. Marriage rescue is their specialty. Often, but not always, this means our coaches are working with just one individual on ways to shift and make changes that draw their spouse back to the proverbial ‘relationship table’. In fact, it is not unusual for the spouse to become curious about all the positive changes they are seeing in their significant other and want to join in and start working together as a couple with a coach.

Some of the areas a relationship coach can help you with are:

Understanding your role in your current relationship issues or crisis

Getting unstuck from the same painful cycles you find yourself in over and over

Conflict resolution

Effective Communication

Setting healthy boundaries

Identifying and stopping unhealthy behaviors that are damaging your relationship

Making positive changes that can benefit your relationship

Teaching you strategies to cope

How does coaching work?

Our relationship coaches meet one-on-one with clients via phone or video conference. This gives our clients the flexibility to do sessions from the location of their choice and allows us to serve clients from all over the world. We use a service called Zoom for video conferencing which is HIPPA compliant and more secure than other video conferencing services. Additionally, the Zoom app is a free download to the smart device or computer of your choice.

Coaching sessions are generally 50 minutes in length and most clients meet weekly with their coach. Scheduling is flexible though and can be customized to meet your need, schedule and preferences.

We have a team of amazing coaches on our staff here at The Marriage Place, each of whom is an expert in marriage rescue. If you are unable to come into our office, relationship coaching might be exactly what you are looking for. Please call us today at (972) 441–4432 and we can help you get started.

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This is the latest post in my Marriage Crisis series. Catch up

You feel it. Something is creeping in. You roll over one morning and a thought hits you: I love him but I’m not in love with him/her anymore. Did I marry the wrong person?? Even thinking these thoughts leaves you feeling somewhat confused, worried about the future, and ….. vulnerable. On some level you knew these feelings and fears were building, but you kept stuffing them, hoping they’d eventually subside. Plus, you’ve had some good days mixed in there too. But now you’ve woken up to the realization that something is really missing. The passion and lustful feelings are g-o-n-e and you aren’t sure that what’s left (respect as a co-parent? friendship?) is enough for you. Your spouse is routinely getting on your nerves and you find yourself longing for the thrill of romance. Heck, you may be longing to feel anything warm or positive toward your spouse. You might even be wondering if it’s a new romance you need.

I call this the “Quiet Crisis”. There is no bomb or tornado that blew through your home leaving destruction in its wake. And neither one of you has done anything morally or ethically wrong… at least not yet. Instead, you’ve been dealing with the same mundane issues over and over again and you’ve simply lost the spark that once lit up your relationship. The Quiet Crisis is actually somewhat unique. Unlike a Bomb or Tornado Crisis, the Quiet Crisis is all internal. It’s inside of you. It’s the feelings of restlessness, discontentment, or hopelessness, making you believe that getting out of the marriage would be better for everyone than staying in it would be. You might even justify it by thinking he/she will be better off and happier with someone that can love them in a way that I can’t anymore. You know how I know this? Because that was ME many years ago. And I can tell you first-hand, this internal dialogue couldn’t be further from the truth.

The solution to a Quiet Crisis lies within your marriage, not anywhere else or with anyone else. And, the solution starts with YOU. Can you fall in love with someone else? Sure you can…and temporarily, you will feel better. But statistics on second and third marriages show most will be in the same situation just a few years later. The secret to succeeding in marriage is not really about finding the right person to love. It is about learning to love the person you found. It’s learning how to stay in love when all the bells and whistles go silent. Sounds trite but it’s the honest truth.

Below are some guidelines and coping strategies should you find yourself in a Quiet Crisis:

Focus on Yourself. This is Rule #1 and it trips most of us up. It’s a whole lot easier to point our finger at our spouse and that’s where most of us go first. Who they aren’t. What they’re lacking. What you aren’t getting out of the relationship. This can come across as very entitled as you start buying into the lie you deserve more and better and that this is not the right marriage for you. That is what I did and what I told myself too — until someone got a hold of me and showed me a mirror. The truth is, even if you married someone else, chances are high this would happen all over again in your new relationship unless you fix yourself first. Disclaimer: If you are in an abusive relationship, this advice is not meant for you. Your goal should be to ensure that you and your children are safe, both physically and emotionally.

Find someone who can tell you the hard, unfiltered truth. Find the friend or loved one who is willing to hand you the mirror. The one who loves you enough to help you see your own flaws in a way you can receive it. One area I’d suggest you specifically consider is how you react when you are confronted with something your spouse does that you don’t like. There’s a good chance you aren’t responding in a way that is helpful to the situation, to the marriage, or to you. Dr. Pete Pearson describes the most ineffective reactions as the fearsome foursome. These reactions might look like anger, retaliation, withdrawal, pouting or criticism, to name a few.

Don’t react based on feelings….especially if you have mood swings. Sit with your feelings for awhile and notice how they wax and wane. This could be a few weeks or a few months. Start a “Feelings Journal” to help you notice these trends. Also be sure to take note of what triggers these feelings. It will help you see correlations between triggers and emotions. Remember, feelings come and go. They never stick around forever. They change. They intensify and then wane. Love is so much more than a feeling. In fact, if you restrict your love to just a feeling, I can just about guarantee you’ll fail at marriage.

See a COUPLES therapist…not an individual therapist. Unfortunately, an individual therapist is oftentimes the fastest way to divorce. Therapy is hard. Counseling can be draining emotionally and it requires a financial commitment. But if you are physically sick, you keep going to different doctors and trying different medicines until you find one that helps. Why wouldn’t you fight as hard to get the most important relationship of your life well? If counseling didn’t work last time, find another counselor — one that understands the dynamics of your relationship and can help you both grow and develop. If you find a couples therapist who says both of you need to come in before you can begin, find a new therapist. A good relationship expert knows if you change yourself, you change the relationship.

It boggles my mind how we think it is perfectly normal to divorce when we don’t feel in love, but we do countless other things whether we feel like it or not.

How many days do you feel like getting up when the alarm goes off?

How often do you feel like going to work?

What if you changed jobs every time you realized you didn’t like going to work?

How often do you feel like forgiving someone who wronged you, yet you do it anyway because you know it is the healthiest option?

While “falling in love” is passive and spontaneous, sustaining love requires action. It will not ‘just happen’ to you. You have to make it happen. Every single day. It takes time, effort, energy and whole lot of wisdom. Do you have the skills you need to make a marriage work? I ask because I find most of us were never taught those skills or had them modeled for us. The good news is it’s never too late to learn new skills. And in the same way I know that diet and exercise makes you physically healthier, I know there are relationship skills and habits that can make your relationship healthier too.

If you are wondering what has happened to your marriage, don’t wait another minute. Things will not get better unless you change something.

Learn more at https://themarriageplace.com

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Affairs are tough. They are tough on the betrayed and the betrayer. And truthfully, they are tough for the therapist too.

Our culture today seems to feed on stories of infidelity. Our televisions and social media are constantly flooded with news of the latest scandals in Hollywood or professional sports. But the stories that rock us the hardest are those that hit closer to home. Whether it’s our neighbor, our child’s classmate’s parents, a relative, or even our own relationship, my bet is all of us have witnessed or experienced up close the catastrophic effects of an affair. Several of you asked about this topic on one of my recent Facebook Live segments so I want to spend the next few weeks covering various topics related to AFFAIRS.

Affairs are tough. They are tough on the betrayed and the betrayer. And truthfully, they are tough for the therapist too. Over the next few weeks we’ll talk plenty about the devastation an affair causes and the effort it takes to move past that kind of betrayal. But, in the end, what I really want to show you is a road to HOPE….hope your marriage can not only survive, but thrive, after infidelity. It is not an easy road and it’s not for the faint of heart, but I’ve personally seen many couples fight past the pain and devastation and rebuild a marriage stronger and more intimate than before.

But before we go any further, let’s talk about the myths related to affairs.

Myth 1: Affairs only happen in unhappy marriages

Actually, affairs happen in good marriages too. An affair is not always a sign there was something wrong in the relationship. Sometimes it is as simple as a combination of opportunity, attraction and a lack of good boundaries, which is why affair prevention tactics are good exercises for even strong, healthy relationships.

Myth 2: Affairs are always about sexual or physical attraction

Affairs are often about how good someone makes you feel about yourself. It is intoxicating to be around someone who is in the infatuation stage and makes you feel you special. Often that thrill is confused for love, but it is more about how affair partner makes you feel rather than how you feel about him/her.

Myth 3: Most of the time a person knows on some level their partner is cheating.

The truth is most affairs go undetected. Some people are masterful liars and good at compartmentalizing so they can detach from their shame and guilt. I often hear partners say they “should have known” or they carry some burden of guilt for not knowing. No one likes to feel foolishly naive but most of us are when it comes to believing our spouse is capable of this kind of betrayal.

However, there are some signs that could be an indication your partner is cheating.

Despite their best attempts to cover it up, when a spouse is having an affair there are typically signs to indicate infidelity may be at play. Here are some of the common ones:

Your spouse has pulled away from you emotionally. You aren’t talking or sharing the day’s events unless it involves the kids or running the household. You’ve become roommates instead of partners.

Your spouse has pulled away sexually.

Your spouse has become more sexual than normal, wanting sex more frequently and encouraging more experimentation.

Your spouse may be overcome with guilt and giving you more attention than normal. This can look like the unfaithful spouse buying you gifts to overcompensate for their immoral behavior.

Your spouse spends more time away from home. This could look like working unusually late, taking overnight trips for work or gaps of time for which they can’t account.

You notice unusual charges or missing money.

Your spouse is guarding their phone and will never let it out of their sight.

Your spouse has changed or set up new passwords on phone and email and has not given you access.

Your spouse is texting more than usual.

Your spouse is up late on the computer or tablet several nights a week

Your spouse stops saying “I love you”.

Before you read these and make too many assumptions, one or two of these signs does NOT necessarily mean there is an affair. And to accuse your spouse of an affair based on those grounds, I can assure you will not be helpful to you or your relationship. But, if your spouse is exhibiting several of these signs together, it warrants having a discussion.

How to Speak To Your Spouse If You See Signs of an Affair

If you suspect your spouse has been unfaithful, the way you confront the situation is of utmost importance. First, you need to maintain appropriate boundaries. Betrayed spouses have a tendency to feel very justified. Using your spouse’s betrayal (or suspected betrayal) as justification for violating his/her privacy and trust by snooping for evidence is typically a really bad idea. You’ll simply be trading one kind of betrayal for another.

Ideally, you want find a time when you and your spouse aren’t particularly irritated with each other and sit down and have a conversation. I always teach my clients that difficult conversations — if you want them to go well — must come from a place of vulnerability. Below is a road map for a productive approach to this conversation.

Discuss your own feelings. This means you talk more about your feelings than your spouse’s behavior. Calmly share with your spouse your insecurity with the relationship and tell them why, without attacking or sounding critical. Letting your spouse know you’ve noticed changes and feel anxious about the possibility he/she may be involved with someone else is the goal.

Listen & recognize their concerns. Give him/her the opportunity to explain without interruption or judgment. Sometimes there are other circumstances other than an affair to explain the unusual behavior you’ve noticed. Your spouse may be under a lot of pressure at work or may be going through something else he/she hasn’t previously shared. Initially, affair or not, expect your spouse to almost certainly deny any involvement.

More Transparency. If at this point of the conversation you still sense something is off and feel unsettled about the situation, I recommend you ask for more transparency. Say “Thank you for the reassurance,” and then tell your spouse you need more transparency. More transparency could look like access to passwords and permission to look at phones and email. It could also mean additional check-ins when your spouse is going to be out later than usual. The extra transparency needs to be communicated as temporary, to help you feel more secure about the relationship.

For some spouses, even faithful ones, the fact that you question their fidelity may upset them initially. But handled calmly and from a place of vulnerability, most spouses will comply with the request for transparency. If the request for transparency makes your spouse angry however, it is a good sign there is something more going on. And if your spouse flat out refuses to give you more transparency, this may also be an indication of infidelity.

We will continue to unpack affairs and how to recover from an unfaithful spouse in the weeks to come. If you do find out there has been an affair, I encourage you to seek help from a marriage counselor or coach with experience with affair recovery, who can help you sort through your feelings and decide on a plan of action. You may also find my blog post on Affair Repair helpful.

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Why should we stay married? Fighting for your marriage is exhausting, but the pain of divorce lasts a lifetime. See how we can help you stay married.

My husband and I are clearing out clutter. It is a time consuming adventure into the past. We started by just going through stacks of books and piles of paper trying to sort them into more organized stacks and piles we labeled keep, toss or give away.

But we get easily sidetracked when we come across a card one of our children wrote to us when they were little, or pictures of our boys when they were babies.

Today we came across some real gems.

A letter my son, Thomas, wrote me when he was little:

“Mommy, I hope the surjry tomorow goes ok. Remember, if God wants you to live you will. Love, Thomas.”

Then there was my: the wedding dress I wore more than 26 years ago. The most amazing thing is that it still fits! … But just barely. And we found many books we read to our kids when they were small. My husband and I started laughing loudly at one book in particular and we literally recited the entire book from cover to cover from memory! That’s how often we read this to our boys who are now grown. We talked about how we cherish these books and how we will save them to read to our grandchildren.

So many memories.

And then it hit me.

What if I had chosen not to stay married, when it seemed hopeless?

There would be no shared moments of reading these same precious books to our grandkids.

In fact, there would be very few shared moments with our kids and grandkids at all after divorce.

And when coming together is forced through some big celebration or ceremony, everyone feels awkward and tense.

When the boys are married and have their own families, they would have to make the obligatory holiday rounds so they have time with each parent separately.

Then I wondered how they would feel about a stepmom or a stepdad?

What if they didn’t get along? And what if their wives’ parents were also divorced? Now there are four families. What a mess! What a complicated, entangled legacy to leave my kids!

Why I Chose to Stay Married

I stopped in that moment of cleaning out, and I put my hands on my dear husband’s shoulders. I thanked him for never giving up on us. I told him I want to grow old with him and grandparent with him. I told him I would marry him again. Pretty amazing when you consider there was a time I wanted out and was convinced I would never be able to love him again, much less stay married. But I do love him. With every fiber in my being. I love him. We laugh a lot now. We have overcome so much. We have finally figured out this thing called marriage and discovered it really can be wonderful and passionate and fun. Even after 26 years.

There was a time when I viewed my marriage with the same critical eye I’m using on my household clutter. Except the marriage almost went into the “throw away” pile. I was so unhappy, I couldn’t see what the future would hold for me or my kids if I did divorce their dad. Even more unhappiness.

My marriage was making me unhappy, but divorce wasn’t the answer. Putting my marriage on hold and getting authentic, honest counseling was what made the difference. I divorced my old marriage and built a new one. Our marriage almost died from a thousand paper cuts, instead of one big event or trauma. Click To Tweet

And it was put back together in the same way.

Small repairs and movements toward each other that over time, created this beautiful marriage we now treasure. And you know what?

You can stay married, too.

I know this not from books or clinical research, but from my own real life experience.

Your marriage is worth fighting for even if your spouse is done.

Divorce is not the easy way out. It is a complicated mess especially if you have kids. If you want a different legacy for your kids, fight for it. We know how to help you do that. Contact us here.

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Why is marriage so hard? We think it is, too. Read 5 behaviors that hurt our marriages, and learn how to focus on yourself to improve marriage.

FAQ: “Why Is Marriage So Hard?”

Today we’re answering one of the most frequently asked questions: “Why Is Marriage So Hard?”

If you think marriage is easy, you may not be doing it right.

Falling in love.

Committing to a lifetime together.

Sex. Kids. Bills. Vacations. Yard work. Sickness. Inlaws. Outlaws.

It’s all part of this thing we call marriage.

Day by day we build complicated lives: intermingling finances, assets and DNA to create our family structures.

We live together in confined spaces navigating through different personality traits and annoying pet peeves with each of us carrying our own vast assortment of insecurities, fears and past woundings.

What could possibly go wrong in marriage?!

Trust me on this: plenty goes wrong. And with annoying frequency.

It usually looks like a blending of blaming, criticizing, bullying, intimidation, obsessing, worrying, fear, anxiety, depression, addiction, avoidance, people pleasing, anger, controlling, resentment and lying just to name a few.

This is why it amazes me when someone says marriage shouldn’t be hard. How in the world can it NOT be hard?

Why is marriage so hard? Because it is work.

The work is learning how to merge together, while softening each of your edges.

It is being together enough to work as a team in harmony, yet separate enough to maintain your individuality.

The work of marriage is a deep, soul changing work on each person individually.

Not to change your partner but to learn to to your partner.

It’s about changing YOU because in that adapting, you learn about yourself and how you show up in the world.

Marriage is a great vehicle to doing the hard work of growing yourself up emotionally.

Marriage is work, because it is a constant introspection into your behaviors, thoughts and emotions to see where you are off relationally.

Otherwise, you and your spouse are simply reacting to one another instead of intentionally moving toward each other.

We always say at The Marriage Place that intimacy is “into me you see”. Intimacy is about revealing the truth about who you are, what you feel, how you think, and doing it in respectful ways. (That’s the key, here.)

Why do we hide?

Most of us hide so much of ourselves for fear of being judged or being found somehow less worthy. But when we do this we don’t allow our partner the chance to grow themselves or to grow closer to us.

All of us long for mature love that accepts us without judgment.

But very few of us know how to get or give that kind of love.

So we engage in behaviors to try and ensure we get what we so desperately seek.

There are several behaviors which often cause the problems I see in marriage counseling each week.

Why is marriage so hard? 5 behaviors that hurt our marriages.

Oftentimes without realizing, we engage in disruptive behaviors to get what we want from our spouse.

This may look like any one of these behaviors:

1. Clinging

Anytime we try and get more from someone then they are willing or able to give we are clinging. This includes more time, more money, more praise and more affection.

2. Controlling

We are controlling people when we try and modify their behavior by using guilt, anger, intimidation, and emotional withdrawal.

3. Lying

We lie when we hide or diminish our mistakes, flaws and fears to avoid people withdrawing their approval.

We lie by accentuating our positive qualities so other people will like us.

We lie when we give false praise or we do not accept responsibility for our mistakes.

4. Running

An effective way to diminish pain is simply to withdraw from it.

We are running when we physically or emotionally leave or avoid difficult situations or relationships.

Avoiding behaviors can be drinking, drugs, outside relationships, the silent treatment, working too much, hobbies, even time spent with our kids.

Whatever allows us to avoid the relationship that needs our attention.

5. Acting like a victim

When we blame others for our unhappiness, we are taking the victim role.

We may not like the choices we have when someone behaves badly, but ultimately we are responsible for our actions whether we stay and put up with it or we leave it.

Getting mad at our partner for forcing us to make the choice is blaming them and keeps us stuck.

Grudgingly going along in your life as if there is no solution to your problems is taking the victim role.

Learning how to step out of this role is often the most liberating, empowering, life changing move a person can make.

If you are doing any of these behaviors, you have some emotional growing up to do. Your marriage is going to be hard until you do the work.

I know someone who is very entrenched in controlling behaviors. He thinks his marriage is easy because he gets his way a lot. But his spouse thinks the marriage is hard. Very hard.

What can I do about a difficult marriage?

If you want a good marriage, don’t worry about changing your partner.

Focus on changing YOU.

That is your work for a better relationship with anyone else.

Once you change you, your spouse has to change as a result.

It’s like doing a dance.

You are both fox trotting through life and then one of you starts to waltz.

Your partner may stumble a bit.

He or she may feel confused or even angry but they cannot continue the fox trot.

Waiting for your partner to change is why people feel hopeless about their marriages getting better.

Stop waiting. Start doing the work of growing yourself up.

At The Marriage Place we can help you do that. Whether you live locally in the Dallas area or in another country, we have coaches and counselors who can work with you face-to-face or over the phone or Skype.

A better marriage begins with a better you.

Contact us today online