Pride, Questioning, Gay, Pan, Trans, Queer and HERE.
This is my, I never came out story.
If you don’t know me already, my name is Kalae “Nouveau” Hassel. I was born and raised in New York City and now I’d like to think of myself as a resident of the world… which is a fancy way to say I’m homeless and crashing at my sister’s house in the SW until I figure out what’s next for me in my life.
I sit here, in my new surroundings, hot, just thinking about the desert scrub around me and the dry 100 degree day we just had while I stared at my feed into a wet, sea of New Yorkers flooding the streets in rainbow. Vaxed? Who knows, waxed? Most definitely. Dancing, partying, celebrating while I die a slow FOMO ridden death. Okay, maybe just an orgasm (did you know orgasm means tiny death?). But I began thinking about my Pride story and queer journey to the proud Double Spirited, Pansexual I am today! So I figured I’d share bits of that journey, along with some images I’ve created for Pride as part of a Prompt from the very talented MUA Delvon Paris (@DelvonParis). He asked a group of MUA’s to all represent a Pride Flag and I was assigned the gorgeous Transgender Flag.
I hope you enjoy my story, my art and at the end, a brief history of the Transgender Flag and what It means to me. I hope that none of this is triggering to anyone, but alas, this sort of stuff usually is so bear with me and remember this is a safe space and I send everything with LOVE unless otherwise noted.
I started going to Pride in High School. I remember hopping over the metal gates they put up in NYC parades so we don’t bum rush the floats. I would wear high heels and I already have the long, thick, legs of a plus-size tarantula. So, Id just step over, casually, and join in on the fun walking for a mile or two before my heels became more of a hindrance than the fierce spectacle they started the day as. I remember being mistaken for man in Drag too many times to count. Getting glitter and sweat in my eyes, dancing and celebrating queerness at that age was a FANTASY. I didn’t know about Stonewall, or Gay rights, or Queer struggles. I just new Drag Queens and my gay friends and my non binary friends. I often wonder if my deep love for the culture and my allyship at that young of an age was really me resonating with the queer girl I would grow up to be. I mean, I was always different, but I didn’t come to terms with my Gay side until a decade later.
See, I was raised homophobic. Unfortunately many of us do and it not out of the ordinary. I come from a religious Caribbean background. There’s Soca music about murdering Gay people. I mean it’s etched in the culture. It’s not okay, by any means, but It was all I knew. One day, my best friend asked me and our other best friend (yes, we were a thruple) to come over to her place because she wanted to talk to us. Little did I know, there would end up being two coming out stories in a row, leaving me shaking and crying at a table with my two incredibly articulate, intellectual, hilarious, beautiful, vivacious and now I know, Bi-sexual, besties.
I didn’t cry because they had changed to me, I didn’t think all of a sudden, oh these are “bad people” or “they’re going to hell” No, nothing of the sort. I cried because my mother, my community, my culture LIED TO ME. I shook because the foundation I stood upon was rocked to the core. I loved my besties, probably more that moment and thats the moment I fell in love with this community. Because they were my people. Queer people were my people before I knew I was Queer. So I became a dedicated ally.
It would be years of gay clubs and Prides and soul searching before I finally went out with a woman. I made out with girls my whole life and it never occurred to me that it was “gay.” This is the conditioning, this is the heteronormative, patriarchal system that has me and so many of us blind to the truths of our nature. I have always been attracted to women, but I wouldn’t allow myself the space to be GAY. With all my allyship I still couldn’t peel back the layers and liberate myself. So when I finally did, It wasn’t a moment. It was a series of moments that lead to many colorful relationships and as I grew, the people around me would just notice and some would ask questions but for the most part I think a lot of them were just like, “Well, thats Kalae, KALAEing” and as much as I appreciate that my fluidity is acceptable in a way thats clearly a privilege, I still never really had to/got to come out. I was just here, still. Was I ever in the closet? Am I out the closet now? Maybe I was just straddling the doorway. Maybe I was in the closet but no one new I was in the closet because they could already see my clothes, nah mean?
ANY WHO, I’m here, I’m Queer, and I miss New York Pride, and here’s some info on the Transgender Flag if you didn’t already know it;
The Trans Flag was created by Transgender woman Monica Helm in 1999. She debuted the flag in 2000 at PRIDE in Phoenix, Arizona! The Flag consists of five horizontal stripes and in Monica’s words, "The stripes at the top and bottom are light blue, the traditional color for baby boys. The stripes next to them are pink, the traditional color for baby girls. The stripe in the middle is white, for those who are transitioning or consider themselves having a neutral or undefined gender." For me, as a double spirited human, with her/she pronouns (like the chocolate) all three colors resonate. In my imagery there are three humans in the womb, emerging inside of a pre slated destiny. The ability to accept, change, destroy is in their eyes and at their fingertips. Only time will tell where their journey will lead. I did my best to represent the colors as Monica stated but I don’t believe in gendered roles, traits, etc based on assigned at birth sex. So, take what you will from this flag and my artistic depiction of it. Make sure to visit my Instagram page to see all the amazing depictions of the other Pride Flags! (@TheMarvelousNouveau) All made and sent with LOVE.
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