The Melanin Mami Files

DJ Wife • Travel • Unbothered Multicultural Parenting • TayTaysWorld • Boss Mom

[themelaninmamifiles]

A TayTay Approved Quinoa Recipe

So, I’m still deciding what verticals I’m going to focus on for MMF, but I wanted to share this recipe since I have a pretty picky eater on my hands. When TayTay was eating purees she was open to everything. There were very few things I made for her that she wouldn’t eat. But once we started introducing table foods, the pickiness began. *sigh* 

We’ve definitely been in a food rut with her and I’m literally tired of serving her chicken nuggets and veggie infused taters. Ironically, she’s open to food if you serve it to her from regular sized utensils. And it turns out that she’s a big fan of quinoa, as long as you give it to her from your own fork or spoon. 

Quinoa is considered a staple grain in a few parts of the world but has risen to prominence thanks to food trendies who are always looking for the next big thing. Truthfully, if you despise gentrification and the commodification of cultures, quinoa is a victim of that scenario. But socioeconomic think pieces aside, quinoa is a great alternative to traditional grains like rice which often get a bad name. However, quinoa can be about as boring as toast if you don’t cook it right. 

In addition to being gummy if cooked improperly, it can be really bland if you eat a batch with little to no seasoning in it. And up until about two years ago, every time I had quinoa, it was always some sad bland variation that made it forgettable in the dish but memorable as a “no-go” ingredient. Fast forward to earlier this year and since I’m *trying* to do the Mediterranean Diet, I decided to give quinoa a try in my own kitchen versus eating it as a neutral ingredient in bowls at places like Pret A Manger or Panera. So, this is my recipe/cooking style for making flavorful quinoa and the added bonus is that my daughter loves this stuff. 

Notes: I base my cooking steps off of this how-to quinoa article but I added much more flavoring. So, I’m not going into the deep details of why you should do each step. You’ve got eyes, go read the article from the link above. 

Ingredients: 

2 cloves of garlic half a lemon juiced salt pepper Adobo 1 packet chicken boullion  1 cup quinoa 2 cups water

Cooking Steps

1. In a pan or pot (really doesn’t matter) drizzle a little bit of olive oil (or the oil of your choice) and set the heat to medium/medium high (depending on your stovetop). 

2. Dice the garlic and add to the warm oil and allow to cook until garlic is translucent.

3. Rinse the quinoa thoroughly in water for 30 seconds to 1 minute. Use a small strainer for this step.

4. Squeeze excess water out of the quinoa and transfer to the pot/pan. Toast the quinoa to fully remove excess water. This shouldn’t take more than 5 to 10 minutes depending on your stovetop’s heat, but you might want to turn the heat down a bit to keep the quinoa from transitioning from toasty to burnt.

5. Add the 2 cups of water, seasonings and lemon juice and stir. Once you get a strong boil, give the mix one more stir and then set to medium. Let the quinoa cook for 15 to 20 minutes or until all the water is absorbed. 

6. Once the quinoa looks “dry” turn the heat off but let it sit for another 5 minutes. 

7. Fluff the quinoa and serve.

Now you have a yummy bowl of quinoa which is healthier than rice, super tasty and that little ones will love! 

[themelaninmamifiles]

Changing Perspectives & Embracing the WAHM Life

Long before I was considering having children or getting married, I used to always say that I never wanted to be a stay-at-home-mom (SAHM). It just seemed boring and anti-climatic after having spent a lifetime studying towards a career to do something. Don’t get me wrong, being a mom is a noble and essential profession, and this is in no way a diss towards SAHMs, but it just wasn’t for me.

Fast forward to about 10 years ago and I shifted positions slightly. This was also around the time that I realized that corporate life was for the birds and I was tired of working for other people on a full-time basis. So, I can be honest here and admit that part of the reason I wanted to work for myself was that I was tired of working for tyrants. Small businesses might be the backbone of the U.S. economy but many of them are run by nut jobs who lack people skills. And I had managed to work for two such companies back to back.

Anywho, in 2009 I decided to step out on my own and just work as a freelancer/consultant. It gave me the flexibility to work with the people and on the projects that I wanted to, and it allowed me to primarily work from home. And let’s face it, even though there are real benefits to working in a collaborative office environment, having a “morning commute” that’s just a few steps from the bedroom to wherever I keep my laptop is hard to beat. So, I’ve been a freelancer/consultant for 10 years now.

And when I first got pregnant in 2017, I had plans for a three-month maternity leave and then to return to a company I was consulting with at the time. I had this mindset that I would get bored being home non-stop with my child and would welcome the distraction and outlet of getting out of the house and interacting with others. So fast forward to the summer of last year, and my technical maternity leave was up. But I wasn’t interested in returning to my marketing work. Don’t get me wrong, I wanted to work, but I wanted to pivot to something that offered more flexibility. And this was for a number of reasons:

Childcare is Expensive

I live in North Jersey, and can literally see One World Trade from my house. It takes me all of 25 to 35 minutes to commute to Herald Square (Macy’s where they do the Thanksgiving Day Parade for those of you not in the tri-state region). Depending on where you go between North Jersey and NYC, daycare can range from $1,000 to 4,000 a month. When I tell you, that shit is expensive, I’m not lying. That’s essentially my husband and I paying rent twice.

Once I ran the numbers, I realized that in order for me to go back to any consulting role where they expected me to even spend half my time in Manhattan in their offices, I’d need to be making six figures or kissing up to it as close as possible. Why? 

Because on top of that daycare cost is the price of getting in and out of the city. And now that I live in Jersey, I don’t just pay for the NYC MTA, but the Path, and the NJ Transit. So three separate monthly commute costs, paying for lunch in the city, plus daycare plus all of our other expenses. Can I get six figures? Certainly. But those aren’t the roles where you get an offer the same day you pitch/interview. From my experience, once you pass the 60K mark, it takes multiple rounds and a bit of romancing to get companies to loosen their purse strings.

Tay Tay is My Focus

One of the things I’ve always hated about working for others or working on long-term consulting projects where you’re technically an extension of the client’s company is that business owners want you to make their company a priority over yourself. 

It’s happened. At. Every. Long-term. Company. I’ve. Ever. Represented. 

I’ve been expected to drop everything and fly around the world to rep clients at their partner factories. I missed Thanksgiving one year because I was in China in a factory coordinating designs and patterns for a clothing collection. I’ve been expected to attend conferences to network with businesses on behalf of a client who ultimately had no interest in partnering with them. 

This induced eye rolls before TayTay came along. Every damn company knew I had my own consulting work, that I’m an influencer, that I like to travel, etc. Yet all of them would have this ridiculously unrealistic expectation that I was supposed to pause my life and make them the most important thing at the peril of all else. Meanwhile, some of them wouldn’t return that favor by doing things like say...pay their invoices to me on time.

When TayTay was born, she literally became my focus. My priority is on raising this little human to be well adjusted, confident and a productive member of society. So, yeah I take the job of “mom” very seriously. But this also meant that I had a serious talk with myself and realized that although marketing is my love, I wasn’t going to be able to devote the focus to that type of work right now. Maybe once TayTay starts school, but for now, I need something less demanding. Okay so I knew my limitations, but I still had to make money. We can’t be a single income family.

So I Pivoted…

Lucky for me, I’m not a one trick pony. I’ve always had a variety of talents, one of which is writing. I’ve worked as a copywriter off and on for years—mostly as a side hustle to supplement the marketing consulting. But towards the end of my pregnancy, I started taking on more copywriting work through agencies...and I love it because:

No Commute: My commute is from the bedroom to my living room or desk where I can write til my heart’s content.

No childcare expenses: For now, we’re not putting TayTay in daycare. At some point when she’s two, we’ll put her in a half-day program for socialization. But for now, I’m the primary caregiver.

I don’t take my work home with me: I know, I know, I work from home so technical sticklers will say this isn’t true. Clients reach out and ask me to write whatever content is needed. But once the content is submitted, no one’s giving me the side eye or trying to berate me. There’s no “we need a real team player” or “someone who’s committed for the long-term”. (side eye). Once I finish a project, that’s it. Maybe there’s an edit request, but that’s pretty rare (yes I’m that great at crafting content).

No scope creep: Anyone who’s worked on projects as a freelancer knows why this is a big deal. I’m not expected to be a Jack or Jane of all trades. Once I get the project brief, that’s it. No one comes back and asks me if in addition to writing I can also do some Photoshop work, oh and maybe also manage the social media, oh and maybe also handle the press releases, oh yeah and also work as a hiring manager.

Flexibility: I’ve literally been able to do this work while on vacation or en route in the airport because it’s that easy for me to write. While I was in San Francisco and Miami earlier this year, I worked on projects and it was a painless experience. No one was texting and harassing me, demanding I get on a call to listen to them drone on about nothing. And even on the day to day, I can take a break in the afternoon without getting frenzied texts or emails from people expecting me to be chained to my laptop.

Timely pay: Now granted, you can still come across slow/no pay bums in the copywriting world, but I’ve been blessed in this department. I work with a number of great agencies/platforms that pay well and on time.

I can prioritize myself: One of the biggest wakeup calls I had in the past two and a half years was working on an extended client project that left me little time for myself and made me feel like a horrible person for having my own passions outside of their business. And just as I found out I was pregnant, lack of pay caused me to step back from them. 

I was forced to pause my passions/budding entrepreneurial ventures and rework my timelines because I literally didn’t have any money and everything fell on my husband. I had prioritized a client who saw fit not to pay me. Serious learning lesson! :( Fast forward to today and I have more freedom and am able to pursue my ventures again because I’m not a one-trick pony financially.

I’m happier: Not taking on other people’s unnecessary stress can do wonders for your own mental health. I’m not carrying someone else’s baggage or trying to split myself in a thousand different directions. I feel more focused now than I’ve ever been.

So I wrote ALL of this to basically say, if you’re pregnant or thinking about being pregnant, be open-minded to what your work life might look like once the baby comes. Right now you might think that being home is horrible, but then you hold that bundle of joy and your perspective changes. Maybe it’s not you, mom. Maybe it’s a SAHD or WAHD instead! Whatever works for your family—just be open to change!

[themelaninmamifiles]

Don’t Unpack Your Baggage at Your Kids’ Feet

It’s been a bit since I’ve written my own “think pieces” on MMF, but last night into today I read something so ridiculous that I was left saying “what in the Smokey Robinson is this?!” First, let me begin by saying, I’m a huge fan of Very Smart Brothas. It’s a site that got absorbed into The Root family of websites. But I always like them because they’re equal parts intriguing and shady—and I’m always here for a bit of shade. While I’m not a super fan who goes to their site daily to check out new content, if one of their article posts manages to fight the FB algorithm and win, I usually click through and read it. And if you’re not familiar with VSB or The Root, they’re both black-centric sites/platforms that looks at everything through the lens of blackness. And in the case of VSB, it’s usually taken from an angle of an enlightened black man.

Late last night I was scrolling through FB before bed (a bad habit which I don’t have any plans on changing) and saw a post from VSB written by a guy in an interracial relationship with biracial children. The title was How Raising Multiethnic Kids Reshaped My Blackness. I was intrigued because I’m also a black parent raising a multiethnic child. I wanted to see what he had to say and clicked the link. But the very first sentence was a hot ass mess, and it went downhill from there. The article basically rolls through the psyche of a man who married out to a SE Asian Indian woman and now has to grapple with the idea of raising biracial and multicultural children and how best to expose them to their culture. On its face, this would be a good article, but it wasn’t. 

So I made a hot takes post on my personal FB feed, but I woke up still thinking about that ridiculous article, and decided to rebuttal...a tad savagely. As background if you aren’t familiar with MMF or its previous iteration, TM2B, I am a black woman raising a multicultural child who is half black and half Puerto Rican. So, I feel I can effectively talk about this article and everything I think it got wrong.

1. The first sentences makes being black sound like a life sentence.

My wife is not black.

Our daughters, by no choice of their own, are.

Quite frankly the entire tone of the article continued on in this fashion. But coupled with the picture he posted at the start of his two adorable daughters, it felt more like he was let down that his children didn’t come out super light and ambiguous. I’m not going to go so far as saying he fetishized light skinned children like a lot of people in general do, but he emphasized a bit too frequently how his daughters would be instantly identified as black rather than having people ask them “what are you” their whole life. So, as a result, the whole article reeked of “sigh...I guess they’ll be black then”.

There’s nothing wrong with being dark, or identifiably black or whatever culture you are. And this is the flip side of interracial/interethnic relationships that lead to children. The man’s wife is Indian, so even if she is light skinned, there’s a lot of genetic variation in India. I’ve been to the country (had a fab time!) and can tell you, I saw more people my shade and darker than super light. If you take Bollywood movies at face value for what Indians look like, you’re going to be disappointed. So, anytime two people from two largely varied gene pools hook up, you have no idea what skin color your child is going to have. The same thing happened with Tay Tay. Is she significantly lighter than me? Yes, however, she was born paler than my husband and now she’s his shade and there’s always the possibility she could still get darker.

2. This man mentions his wife’s ethnicity in a cringe worthy manner

Let me backtrack for a sec. While my wife isn’t black, she’s also very much not white. She’s Indian (see: Tandoori, not Thanksgiving), and she’s Canadian.

Sir...just no. Tandoori is not a way to describe people. It’s an oven and a way to cook food. Thanksgiving is hardly a positive thing to mention to Native Americans because, well, see history. I’m not sure if he was trying to be sarcastic or pithy here, but it fell flat and I wasn’t alone. People in the comments on the article page and on VSB’s FB post also called him out for it.

Also, let’s not pretend Canada doesn’t have an issue with minorities or even their own First Nations...that’s being intellectually dishonest. Are they more evolved on the whole than the U.S.? For sure...but I’ve heard plenty of stories from Black Canadians.

3. Black people are not a monolith

This was probably the most irritating part of this awkward article. I hate when people of other cultures try to pigeon hole us but it’s 10x worse when it’s coming from within. We’re not a monolith, we’re not the Borg. We don’t all have the same interests, thoughts, feelings and responses to things. If Joe in California stubs his toe, we don’t all suddenly feel a tingle telling us that Joe is injured. There’s no one defining way to be black. The narrator (a black man) had such a narrow and depressing view of what “blackness” was that if I wasn’t a black person and read that, I’d think being black was probably the worst thing that could happen to someone. According to him black people don’t:

Wear flip-flops

Listen to anything except hip-hop, R&B or soul/neo-soul music

Don’t play acoustic guitar (but like really? How would you come to this conclusion with all the black musicians who—wait for it—play the ACOUSTIC guitar?!)

Don’t go camping (I don’t go camping, however I’ve been hiking and in general do like outdoorsy things)

And apparently if we do the above, we might get our black card revoked. Meanwhile according to the author, all we do is play spades, watch Soul Train, fry up balogne on the weekends and speak solely in AAVE.

I haven’t seriously watched Soul Train since I was in high school. I don’t eat balogne because it’s literally scraps from meat processing plants pressed together into a mystery meat. I play a passable hand of spades but it’s not the first thing I run to at the cookout. And I DO NOT speak in “traditional” AAVE except for the occasional “guuurlll” or “chillllee”. However, I wear flip-flops religiously in the summer, and I live for K-Pop (BTS Army!).

4. I’m confused by what this man expected from “marrying out” but not marrying white.

In the article, he mentions how he married out, but his wife isn’t white she’s Indian. Okay. But his awkward explanation makes it seem like he thought that because he didn’t marry a white person, there wouldn’t be growing pains, disconnects or times where you won’t see eye to eye. What?!

Look, I’m 36 years old, and I’ve spent over a third of my life in an intercultural relationship with the same Puerto Rican man. Yes there are a lot of similarities between us and how we grew up, but there’s a lot that wasn’t the same. And culturally, we’re very different, even if we have shared pop cultural things like Hip-Hop, the Commodore 64 and Disney World. Heck, the hubs is probably closer to Hip-Hop than me because his dad was and is part of the rise of Hip-Hop and DJs as we know it in the Bronx in the ‘70s and ‘80s whereas I just consumed it in passing.

Even two black people from opposite parts of the country like the North and the South would have cultural differences. You could marry the boy down the street and still have cultural disconnects because...#3 WE’RE NOT A MONOLITH.

5. Why are you trying to force your kids to choose “your side” at the expense of your wife’s “side”?

I’m the first to admit that raising multicultural children can be challenging. But making the choice for them and treating them as only black or only Indian is a major disservice. They’re not just one thing. I get it, visually his children are black, but that doesn’t mean that you can legitimately deny their Indian side or downplay it—especially if mom is in the picture.

Right now, my daughter looks more identifiably Latina than anything else, right down to her hair. Although everyone says she has the hubs’ hair and skin and my face so... But the point is, she is Afro-latina. So, she’s going to learn about everything. And the choice of whether she more identifies with being Puerto Rican or black is one that she needs to make. My husband and I can’t force that on her. It’s her identity, not ours.

6. It’s clear you’re still grappling with blackness, don’t lay that at your kids’ feet

This was honestly the biggest takeaway I got from this article. He wasn’t sure how to define blackness for himself, and as a result, he’s trying to shape it in an odd way for his children. And maybe he really does feel like being black is the shit. But the way he caricatured blackness through the scope of this article was piss poor. Whether he’s feeling some type of way because he married out or because he feels his children are (unfairly?) labeled as black are things he needs to work out on his own time and not put those stigmas on his daughters.

Photo by Sai De Silva on Unsplash

[themelaninmamifiles]

Mommycations at the Sir Francis Drake, San Francisco

So as you guys know, I recently rebooted my mommy site from Tales of a Mommy 2 Be to The Melanin Mami Files. It was essential but no need to get into it again. If you’re curious as to why, click here. But another reason that made me want to reboot is because I’m nearly a year into this thing called mommyhood. Come next Sunday (March 24th), I will have been a mom for a full year. And I can’t lie, as rewarding as it is, it’s also fairly exhausting at times. So, from time to time, it’s a good idea to take a break and just come up for air.

Back in November, the hubs and I headed to Playa del Carmen for the first bit of adult couples-only time away from Tay Tay at The Reef 28 as part of a media trip for The Anti Bridezilla. It was amazing, but it was a super short trip so within a week or two of returning, I felt myself sliding back into burnout zone...especially since I came back and the holidays basically kicked into high gear.

Fast forward a few months and I was feeling annoyed and exhausted again. As luck would have it at the beginning of the year, one of my really good friends who’s originally from the Bay Area was back in the U.S. for business and it was the perfect excuse for me to plan a solo media trip to San Francisco. Since The Melanin Mami Files is so new, it’s not as easy for me to plan a fully fledged media trip through this property. But The Anti Bridezilla is 6 years strong with a history of successful media trips from around the world. Long story short, I collaborated with the Sir Francis Drake, a Kimpton property, in San Francisco for a four-day, three-night stay. And it didn’t hurt that I had enough miles with American Airlines to book round trip reward travel. Meanwhile the hubs took Tay Tay to North Carolina to visit his parents.

While I definitely did do meet-and-greets with the weddings team at the Sir Francis Drake, and of course got to hang out with some friends in the Bay who I haven’t seen for years, one of the main things I wanted to do was really just rest and recharge. I took advantage of room service, hung out at the lobby bar and indulged in the fitness center.

When I wasn’t in the hotel, I literally just walked around San Francisco taking “highly Instagrammable” pictures, ate amazingly well and drank til my heart’s content. I hit up the Daiso (something I always do when I’m in California) and I even got my nails done at a convenient little manicure spot that was literally a block away from the Sir Francis Drake. I can honestly say that this hotel has some very comfy beds. Most days I was knocked out before midnight, wrapped in the fluffy robes in the hotel room, watching Golden Girls ridiculously early because of the time difference. This was probably one of my least adventurous vacations I’ve ever had, but also one of my most relaxing.

So, I’m a huge proponent of “mommycations”. I don’t care if this is a real word or not, I think all new and long time moms should take a trip sans children or their significant other from time to time. And why is that?

1. Refreshed moms are better moms

When you’re burned out, it’s hard to give your child the attention they deserve or to even be truly present in the moment. While devoting yourself to mommyhood 24-7 isn’t realistic (no matter what some Instagram moms try to claim), if you’re exhausted and frustrated, it’s impossible not to have a short temper or to feel unfairly burdened with the role of caretaker. Trust me...I know.

2. Because you’re not a robot

Yes, we’re moms and most of us intentionally went down this path of parenthood. But that doesn’t mean that we don’t get tired, or need a break. And no hubbies, taking the child for an hour or two a few times a week is not enough of a break to replace the other non-stop parenting that we do or completely refresh us for another 96+ hours of non stop mom life.

3. Because as MOCs (Moms of Color), it’s important to show our children that we value our mental health too.

Officially, yes, this applies to all moms of all races. But for many women of color, we’re taught that mental health isn’t something that “we” do. We’re taught that our lot in life is generally not ideal, but we just have to be “strong”. Seriously, that “strong black woman” myth has hurt a lot of women. But slowly and surely the collective community is unpacking that bag of dynamite. So, showing our children (and especially our daughters) that we value ourselves enough to care for our mental health is important.

4. Because sometimes you need a break to be a better spouse/partner.

Just like with the children, you can’t be a good spouse or partner if you’re giving your SO death stares behind their back because you feel like you’re taking on too much of the mental load. Of course, if you do feel this way, it’s a good idea to have a conversation about this. But taking a small break and letting your SO be the head parent in charge (HPIC) for a day or two can do wonders for your attitude.

And if you’re curious about my bridal coverage of San Francisco and The Sir Francis Drake, head on over to The Anti Bridezilla.

[themelaninmamifiles]

A Reboot...TM2B is now MMF

It’s been a bit since I last posted on here and for good reason. Life most definitely got in the way, and as any first time parent will tell you, the first year can literally kick your ass. Between working to feel more comfortable as a mom to adjusting to life as a parent, I had a lot going on in the last few months. Add to that, I was also focusing on working and maintaining my other site, The Anti Bridezilla. It was a lot to manage.

But on top of all that, I was constantly reminded that the name I originally picked for my site, Tales of a Mommy 2 Be, was just too limiting. The name was only relevant when I was pregnant. The minute TayTay popped out last March, the name became irrelevant. So finally this month, I rebranded.

Say hello to The Melanin Mami Files...

I wanted to pick a name that was timeless but was also really honest. One of my main goals as a parent is to raise a well adjusted daughter who fully embraces her multicultural roots and sees that her parents work hard to create a life for her. And most importantly, that her mother is present. Obviously, that means being a part of her life. And I’ve been pretty good at that since nowadays I’m a WAHM. But it also means presenting myself as a positive role model for her so that she’s not forced to look to celebrities who she doesn’t know as guidelines for how to be. It also means seeing her mother chase her own dreams, crush goals and keep her head high even if life isn’t always champagne wishes and caviar dreams. If you follow me on IG (@themelaninmamifiles) you know that even under the old name, I did stay fairly active on there—mostly with updates of TayTay. But now that my site got a much needed facelift and rebrand...I’m baaaccckkk! ~_^

[themelaninmamifiles]

2 Months and Counting!

Okay, so I’ve been pretty scarce both on TM2B and TAB, but for very good reason. Last week (literally May 24th) my LO turned 2 months old. And now that she’s getting a tad older and we’re all finding our groove together, I have a bit more clarity and am well rested enough to give some candid commentary on new mommy life and all that comes with it.

First Miss Tay Tay

It’s been interesting watching Taylor’s transformation from a literal newborn to an aware 2 month old. At 2 months she’s getting pretty good at holding her head up for stretches at a time. Meanwhile we’re finally getting to see that illusive smile that isn’t related to sleepiness or gas. Taylor’s also cooing and holding conversations in her own unique way. But most importantly, just around her 1 month milestone, she started sleeping through the night (hallelujah!!!) at 4 to 5 hour stretches, which means less overnight feedings and diaper changes! :-D

And now for my observations about new mommyhood and postpartum...

1. Lack of sleep really is evil

I fully understand why the government uses it as a torture tactic. Sleep deprivation can lead to depression and also just leave you feeling like a zombie. And that’s probably the best description I can give about that first month before Taylor settled into a more forgiving sleep cycle. You can’t think clearly because you’re so exhausted but then you have the added stress of trying to get the hang of caring for someone who’s entirely dependent on you. No stress! The first month for me is really marked by just surviving from day to day.

2. Advice is great until it isn’t...

This is one of those things that just comes with the territory. Everyone has recommendations whether they’ve had children or not. And some will be very helpful, much of it won’t and after a while you’ll get tired of the unsolicited advice. People mean well but by week 3 or so, the unsolicited advice can start to feel like a referendum on your parenting abilities. Add in a healthy dash of sleep deprivation and it’s a recipe for head biting retorts. Resist the urge to verbally drag people.

3. Extra hands are helpful, until they’re not...

This one is rough because on the one hand, you should absolutely accept as much help as you can in the early days. Especially if you’re a first time parent, no matter how many kids you’ve babysat or how much you helped your parents as an older sibling, nothing is the same as having all the responsibility of caring for a child entirely on you. So, when people offer to come over and help out, don’t feel weak for saying yes.

However, for myself there was a moment around week 2 where I’d had enough of house guests. Part of it is probably because I’m an introvert so by default having people who I normally don’t live with in “my space” can often make me feel like I have to be “on”. By week 3 I just wanted it to be a cozy trio rather than extra helpful hands. Part of this is also because eventually all the helpful hands are going to leave and you’re going to need to be able to handle things on your own. And I’m a “throw ‘em in the deep end” kind of learner. And now at 9 weeks out, I don’t mind having people over because I already have a routine established.

4. Be flexible

I’ve mentioned this before but rigidity and new parenthood IMO don’t mix. One thing I really wanted to avoid was co-sleeping. Aside from having Taylor’s bassinet in our room for the first few months, I wanted her to stay in her own sleeping space. But by Day 3 of having her home, I realized this ideal wasn’t going to happen any time soon. Even though she sleeps fine during the day in a bouncer, swing or bassinet by herself, Taylor wants to be close at night. And on Day 3 she made it known by keeping me up all night when it was just her and I home alone while the hubby was at work. I was literally in tears that night and was never so happy as when he came home at 5:30AM. I willingly passed her over to him and finally got more than 20 - 30 minutes of uninterrupted sleep. The very next day, she slept in bed with me and she’s been sleeping in bed with us since then. Yes I know people disapprove...but sanity trumps naysayers so they can have several good hard $1 IKEA seats.

5. As beneficial as breastfeeding is, I’m not in love with it.

Depending on where your clicks send you on the Internet, you’ll either read near literary odes to the beauty and transcendent spiritual experience that is breastfeeding or horror stories of breastfeeding gone awry. And if you read more of the former, you’ll feel like a heel for not getting that “euphoric feeling of emotional outpouring every time your baby lovingly latches on to your breast.” Yeah no. My experience is honestly more in the middle. In the hospital Taylor latched on almost instantly with our first skin-to-skin experience a mere 2 hours after her birth (more on that in a minute) and successfully nursed from my right breast ever since. The left side was a bit more tricky and ultimately thanks to a horrible biting incident where she bit down so hard on my nipple with her gums that she drew blood, she hasn’t nursed on my left side since her first week home. Now I exclusively pump on the left and exclusively nurse from the right.

Add in some uncomfortable brushes with engorgement where I can barely lift my arms and a sore nipple phase, and you understand why I’m holding on for a total of 6 months before I wean her to formula. I don’t care that the AAP says a year is ideal...my boobies are counting down the days. Besides, I did my research and everyone from the APA to the AAP to the WHO say that the first 6 months is most critical as that’s the period of time covering when baby is exclusively getting nutrition from breast milk.

6. So much for my birth plan

I mentioned this in an earlier post I made in April but my natural birth plan got Jean Claude Van Damme’d out the window and I ended up with an induction + c-section at 39 weeks. Not ideal, but in the end I got a healthy baby girl so all’s well that ends well. However, my induction ended up lasting 38 hours with no real progression. And the one thing that really irked me about a c-section birth is that I didn’t get to have that instant skin-to-skin experience. Instead I watched my daughter carried past my head to be weighed and then whisked away to the nursery where she stayed until about 2 hours later when I was in recovery. So, for baby #2, if someone says induction, my ass better be 42 weeks along otherwise I’m refusing induction unless the baby’s health is in imminent danger.

7. Everyone’s postpartum is different

Considering how diverse everyone’s postpartum experience can be, I had an idea of what I could expect but didn’t know what my personal experience would be like. Thankfully, aside from a few frustrating moments, mine has been fairly smooth on the emotional front. On the physical health side, things have been great as well. I haven’t had complications from my c-section and honestly aside from some itchiness around my scar in the first month and a half, I haven’t had an issue. My scar healed well and unless you know where to look, it looks like a small line that could just be a normal crease in my skin.

And speaking of skin/weight, I ended up losing almost all of my pregnancy weight by 6 weeks. To clarify tho, as you saw in my update posts, I was mostly belly. Although I hadn’t planned on stressing my weight loss and tried to mentally prepare myself to be heavy for a while, the Lord saw fit to be merciful and it melted off with breastfeeding. As of today at 9.5 weeks postpartum, I’m 138lbs which is 6lbs over my start weight when I was 8 weeks pregnant (132). I still have a bit of a little belly but if I ever finally get around to remembering to do planks and squats like I wanted to start doing at 4wks postpartum, it would go away. So all I really have to remember my pregnancy (aside from Taylor of course) are stretchmarks on my thighs.

8. I was afraid I wouldn’t “take” to Taylor

You read so many things where people don’t bond with their baby from Day 1 - which is totally normal by the way. I don’t know that I ever got that “literary ode” feeling but I’ve definitely bonded with Taylor. I did cry briefly when I heard her first cries during the c-section though! I don’t “miss” my old life except for days when I’m trying to plan a me day and I have to coordinate around feeding schedules.

[themelaninmamifiles]

Celebrating Moms with Canary

So, I’ve been a tad bit MIA for the past month and a half and for good reason. Easing into mommyhood is hard work! Now that we’re coming up on Tay Tay’s two month milestone, I’m getting my groove back and am even getting back to work on a smaller scale! Anywho, I decided to come back to TM2B with a bang! Just before I delivered my LO, a cool home security system, Canary, reached out to me for a fun Mother’s Day activation that they wanted to do. The premise: install these very cool in-home security cams in various parts of your home and capture footage of the first few weeks home with your new baby. So, myself and 2 other moms participated - check out the video here!

Hilariously enough, the day that Canary came to install my cameras, I later was admitted to the hospital to deliver Tay Tay. So, I never really got a chance to play with the cameras before she arrived! Anywho, during the “filming” process, Canary captured cool things like giving baby a bath, confessionals, and just regular moments as parents try to adjust to parenthood. It was a great experience and I am genuinely glad that my hubby and I decided to participate because it’s no lie that the early days fly by in a blur. And another added bonus is that we were quoted in a number of cool publications afterwards!

Parents New York Parents Upworthy The Drum Pure Wow

Things I learned:

You don’t know exhaustion until you have a child. Newborns plus sleep don’t mix and especially when you’re on those early days 2hr sleep cycle...it’s a serious marathon to get to happier days (read: more sleep).

I was so afraid that I wouldn’t adjust well to being a mom. But even when Tay Tay projectile poops or pees on me...or goes through her 3rd onesie in 3hrs because of said poop...I wouldn’t trade it in for anything.

Do what works for you. There are a lot of things that I never thought I would do before she arrived. But now that she’s here, reality requires you to be flexible. 

For more info on Canary or where to buy, visit https://canary.is or follow on IG: @caughtbycanary

[themelaninmamifiles]

First Week Essentials: A New Parent’s Take on Baby “Must Haves”

With my first official week home as a new mom drawing to a close, I’ve finally gotten a spare moment to reflect on the craziness that is being a new parent as well as reflecting on items we either received or purchased that have made transitioning to parenthood and especially caring for a newborn much easier. Below are a few items that I think are just amazing and have made transitioning into being Tay Tay’s mom a much easier experience. This is not a comprehensive list as it’s only been a week, but they’re items that I literally could not live without so far. Note, I’m not an ambassador for any of these products!

Graco Dream Suite Bassinet

This bassinet has been a life saver for us because it’s mobile and it converts via the swivel handle into a changing table. Although some people have complained that the bottom shelving/storage space isn’t as sturdy as they would prefer, it’s perfect for holding a bunch of Pampers, receiving blankets or anything else that’s fairly lightweight like pacifiers, etc. I love that it’s on wheels, making it easy to move it from our bedroom to our living room since Tay Tay is still far too young to sleep overnight in her nursery by herself.

Boppy Whale Nursing & Positioning Pillow

The nursing pillow is everything! And if you can remember to do so, bring it with you to the hospital before you deliver. Seriously, trying to nurse baby on those flat hospital pillows takes a lot of work and maneuvering. Boppy isn’t new to me as I had the Boppy pregnancy bean shaped pillow which really helped me get comfy as my bump continued to grow. The nursing pillow is great because its use can multiply as baby continues to grow for activities like sitting up, tummy time and more. The core purpose is (obviously) for nursing/feeding your baby. And the firm yet soft pillow provides enough height that when placed on your lap, baby is in the perfect position to comfortably latch on (if breastfeeding) or for you to hold a bottle without tiring your arms. Although any of the Boppy nursing pillows will do, I happen to have the “luxe” one featured above which has a soft “minky” side which is great for Tay Tay’s sensitive skin.

Spectra S2Plus Electric Breast Pump

If you’re planning on breastfeeding, a breast pump is a must. Whether you opt for electric or manual is up to you, but I opted for an electric one. I actually was able to get mine covered through my insurance, but I went through a site called Edgepark to coordinate everything and it was very easy. This pump is rated with a hospital grade vacuum, making suction really easy to achieve. I put off using this pump until yesterday and I’m really sorry I waited so long. It turns out that Tay Tay doesn’t latch very well on my left side. As a result, in the last week, my poor left nipple has been used and abused by her gums. After a particularly painful (and bloody) Saturday, I said “no more!” and have stopped offering Tay Tay my left breast. Obviously, I still want to keep my milk up because even having a half day of no feedings on the left side left my boob engorged. Enter the Spectra S2Plus.

This pump was very comfy to use, and expressed just over 2oz of milk in about 15 minutes - which is within the time range I usually spend nursing Tay Tay (15 - 30 minutes depending on how hungry she is). The Spectra S2Plus comes with two sets of expression kits which includes two varying sizes of collection kits, the hose, backflow pump, and a bottle. Set up is easy, the monitor screen is very easy to read and most importantly, the machine is REALLY quiet.

Lillebaby Complete Original Carrier

Since I’m still recovering from my c-section, I so far haven’t taken my stroller out because it would require carrying it down a flight of stairs from our upstairs apartment. Call me lazy, but I just don’t feel like dealing with that right now. But I do need my exercise and this week it’s all about light moderate walking around Lincoln Park to get myself back into my pre-baby mobility level. Enter the Lillebaby Complete Original carrier. I love this thing because Tay Tay loves it. Literally the minute I put her in this thing, she falls asleep. Plus, once on, it doesn’t feel bulky and doesn’t add any extra weight to carrying my daughter around. The latches feel strong and sturdy as well so I don’t have to worry that Tay Tay will fall out or that the carrier straps are going to fall apart with normal wear and usage.

Now I will say, I had hoped to use this to carry Tay Tay around the house as she’s a cuddler and is most calm & quiet when held. But this carrier is a bit too bulky for in the house usage, and I will be buying a wrap style carrier as well for indoors use.

This post contains affiliate links, which means that if you click on one of the product links, I’ll receive compensation.

[themelaninmamifiles]

She’s Finally Arrived!

So, I’m sure you’ve noticed that I’ve been visibly absent on my site and only minimally posting on Instagram. My last pregnancy update was at 38 weeks and last weekend, I actually ended up delivering. On the day that I intended to create my 39th week update (39+4), I was admitted to the hospital. It turned out that my OB was concerned about my fundal height and sent me for additional tests. After about 3 to 4 hours at the hospital with fetal monitoring, an ultrasound and a second fundal height review, I was admitted for induction. 

Let’s just say, induction wasn’t fun. When people tell you that it’s unenjoyable, believe them. Induction for me included a cervical ripening followed by labor induction. After 38 hours (about 12hrs of cervical ripening and then the remainder with pills to push labor forward), I never really progressed. Personally, I think it was because my hospital didn’t offer mobile monitoring. So, for the most part, I was stuck in bed...for 38 hours. The contractions never got me past about 2cm dilated - womp womp. On Saturday, March 24th, the OB that was on call convinced me to have a c-section and later that morning, little Taylor Ezri Garcia made her official debut. So, technically, I was one day ahead of my official due date - March 25th.

Basically my whole birth plan got thrown out the window. And this is why you should keep your birthing plans fluid and not beat yourself up if things don’t go according to plan. In my mind, I wanted to have a natural vaginal birth with no interventions. I imagined myself starting labor at home. I would have waited til I was 5-1-1 and then headed to the hospital working with my birthing ball, walking the labor & delivery halls and hopefully within a total of 24 hours, having my little bundle of joy while enjoying instant skin-to-skin time. Instead, I had an epidural, and within minutes heard my little girl cry for the first time, saw her whisked away to the nursery for testing and cleaning. It was nearly two hours between when I had the c-section and when I finally got to hold my daughter. Missing out on the instant skin-to-skin is the only thing I genuinely regret because I wanted to have that immediacy and jump start the breastfeeding process.

Yeah nothing happened according to plan, but I’m okay with it. My c-section was completely unplanned but it was quick. And as much as I would have preferred not to have had it, it’s also made my recovery easier than I expected. My postpartum recovery kit has been pretty much unnecessary as I haven’t had sensitive lady bits, my incision (always opt for sutures and not staples) has been healing well and for the most part my discomfort levels have been really low. After spending five days (in total) in the hospital, I’m now home and acclimating to life as a new mom. As much as I would have preferred to have my “ideal birth experience”, I don’t have any regrets for how things turned out, and if your birthing experience isn’t 100% what you expected, remember it’s okay too!

[themelaninmamifiles]

38 Weeks & Counting!

This week I’m in the home stretch with about 2 weeks left until I’m full term!

How am I doing?

At 38 weeks, I’ve reached the point where I’m getting Braxton Hicks contractions pretty much daily. It’s never so painful that I can’t handle it, but I’d say it’s more like when you’re about to get your period and you get those uncomfortable mini-cramps. They never last very long but it’s definitely annoying. Additionally, Baby G is still swimming back and forth from dropping to going back up to her comfy spot (although it’s not as comfy for me!). I think I’ve officially reached the “I’m over this” stage of things. :-/ I’m tired of waddling around the house, I’m tired of constant hip pain when I walk, I’m tired of heartburn, I’m legit tired of being pregnant.

Additionally, since I’m 35 I’m considered advanced maternal age. And as a precaution, my OB requires fetal monitoring with every appointment since last week. So, what would normally be a 15 or 20 minute visit to the doctor is more like an hour or more sometimes. :-/

And Baby G?

Baby G is doing fabulously. All her vitals are still very strong and as she continues to hiccup daily as well as stay super active, the doctor & nurses are very happy with that. At 38 weeks, according to my Ovia app she’s about the size of a spaghetti squash, still around the 18 - 19″ height mark and weighing in at just over 7lbs roughly.

Looking ahead...

At this point we’re just counting down to Baby G’s big arrival. Her nursery is basically ready, although I did order a few more decor pieces for her room which should come in between this week and next. So, I’m hoping those things come in before I go into labor so that I can get everything just so before she arrives. :)

[themelaninmamifiles]

37 Weeks & Counting!

Baby G is considered “near term” this week...we’re reaching the finish line! And yes, this is the current Garcia family before the big arrival!

How am I doing?

I’ve reached the sore symptom stage of pregnancy where everything leaves me uncomfortable. I can tell that this pregnancy is winding down as since my last update post, I’ve just been experiencing a lot of discomfort. It’s most definitely a mix of Braxton Hicks contractions and Baby G not seeming to know whether she wants to stay down low or come back up. I don’t know how she has the room, but she’s making even more movements (and big uncomfortable ones at that!) that result in my ribs and diaphragm feeling eternally bruised. Over the weekend, I had a back spasm that literally woke me up out of my sleep! I’m also definitely doing the pregnancy waddle which is oh so awesome and I’m so slow moving I feel like the world is passing me by as I tortoise walk to the grocery store or through the park. Not that I’m complaining, but there aren’t enough ice packs to keep me from feeling sore these days.

Not sure if I mentioned this in last week’s update but I’ve been experiencing carpel tunnel in both hands and my left wrist. My wedding ring is starting to get tight if I wear it for too long (like more than 3 to 4 hours) also...sad face. In other news, I have been slightly cheating on my healthy pregnancy diet as I’ve definitely indulged in a few deli sandwiches over the past week. Part of it is because the hubby keeps buying cold cuts by the pound and since he’s always on the go or traveling, I don’t want it to spoil. The other part is that I love Boar’s Head’s Everroast Chicken and Honey Turkey. I miss those flavors...

In happier news, my hi-tech Cocoon Cam breathing + video baby monitor arrived today. So hopefully soon we’ll put it up and I’ll be sure to post about it when we do! Additionally, over the last two weeks I began working on my postpartum recovery basket full of essentials to help make the healing process less painful. I’ll be sure to write a post about what’s in my basket as well!

And Baby G?

Baby G is kicking up a storm. Someone must have told her that she could take a shortcut to the new world by beating through my stomach a la Alien. She’s got a habit of doing these uncomfortable moves where my stomach looks ridiculously lopsided because she’s pushed all her weight against one side (usually my right side). Even as I type this she must know I’m throwing shade at her because she’s beating me up right now. Anyway, according to my Ovia app, Baby G is the size of Honeydew Melon and weighs roughly 6 pounds or so. Other than that, she’s still hiccuping like normal which is a good thing!

Looking Ahead...

I have my 37 week doctor’s appointment later this week where I’ll also have to do the fetal monitoring afterwards to make sure Baby G is okay. I have plans to visit a few pediatricians this week as well to secure that before the big day. Also, I officially take my maternity leave after this Friday which leaves me a good two weeks before Baby G is due to arrive! Other than that, I’m just putting the finishing touches on the nursery and trying to make it a goal to mail out our thank you cards to everyone who bought us something from our registry. I got halfway through it over the weekend before my carpel tunnel put an end to it. So, fingers crossed I get through it by Wednesday at the latest!

[themelaninmamifiles]

Planning for Baby: The Baby Registry

Yesterday I continued the “planning for baby” series with an overview of planning your nursery. Whether you decide to go all out or want to keep it simple, a lot of items that will help create your nursery can be sourced from your baby registry. What is a registry? In short it’s a wish list of items you outline for friends and family to lovingly gift to you in celebration of a new milestone. Most people are familiar with registries most often for weddings and baby showers - but you can literally create a registry for anything. Planning a baby registry can be an overwhelming task if you’re a first time parent as you need to first decide what it is you need, and then go through the process of creating that registry. As someone who’s been there done that (I did it for my wedding and for Baby G), I’m happy to give some guidance to make your experience easier!

Deciding What to Include on Your Registry

The amount of baby gear that’s available is literally mind boggling. And especially if you’re a first time parent, whether you’re sticking to a strict budget or have all the money in the world, it can still make your head spin. The first thing I did was started Googling for checklists because planning for Baby G was totally different from when I created our wedding registry. Whereas we really didn’t need very many things for our wedding registry (by the time we were married we’d already been living together for about 7 years), Baby G needed EVERYTHING. Although there are tons of “one size fits all” registry checklists available my personal favorite which I recommend is Babylists’ registry checklist. What made it ideal for me is that they have a number of questions they ask you before sending you a checklist to take into account your style, needs, budget, whether you plan to breastfeed and more. Mine ended up being a one page (front & back) checklist. And to be honest, most of what it recommended did end up making it into my registries.

However, keep in mind that in the event you don’t get a lot of items purchased off your registry, you don’t need to get everything at once. In the beginning, you don’t need a crib as most people want baby to sleep in their bedroom with them via a bassinet or co-sleeper (don’t let baby sleep in the bed with you!!!). Likewise things like high chairs, walkers or other solid food accessories aren’t essential for the first few months either. Keep in mind, most store registries also offer completion discounts. Usually for no more than 20%, but you receive a discount a few months after creating your registry to help finish your shopping.

Determine Your Budget

Even though the goal of your registry is to have others purchase items, you still need to be cognizant of price and the potential budgets of your gift givers. I mentioned this briefly in yesterday’s nursery post, but the sweet spot for any registry (wedding, baby, housewarming, whatever) is $25 - 75. Unless you’re confident that your social circle is full of high income earners, the bulk of the items on your registry should come from this price range. And to be truly honest, with the exception of big ticket items like furniture, swings, etc...most baby products are in this price range. So, in theory, baby products aren’t expensive - it’s the fact that you find yourself needing ALL of them at the same time that can blow your budget.

Keeping the above in mind, I ended up not listing very many big ticket items on our registry. My mother preemptively volunteered to buy our crib, changing table & bassinet. My mother in law gave us our bouncer, swing and a host of other goodies (not to mention most of Baby G’s wardrobe) well before I even set up my registry. My aunts instantly jumped in and bought our stroller travel system and nursery decor set. If I remember correctly, the only “pricey” items on our registry were our Graco 4 Ever Extend2Fit car seat which was about $350, the Owlet Sock Monitor which is $300, and our Lillebaby carrier which was about $130. Everything else was in the sweet spot range I listed above. Don’t worry, there are plenty of items to chose from within that range.

Universal Registry vs Registering With Individual Stores

I didn’t officially do a universal registry and if I had it to do over again, I would. I ended up registering with Babies R Us, Buy Buy Baby and Target because I was concerned that some of our older relatives who aren’t quite as tech savvy might have issues understanding how to use a universal registry. There are a few reasons I regret going the “individual” route.

Registering separately at each store meant I had to go back and cross reference to ensure I registered the same items across all three stores. And if one store didn’t carry a particular item, I had to source an alternative. It was time consuming to do this and in addition to just managing my regular life, this took about a week of my time to do.

When people did start buying items off our registry through one store, I then had to go back through the other store registries and remove that item (or its comparable alternative) to prevent duplicate gift purchases.

Of the three if I’m being 100% truthful, Babies R Us was a nightmare and I FULLY regret registering with them. First, although I had been told they were cheaper than Buy Buy Baby/Target - often they were NOT even on basic cheap items like feeding spoons. Their website was painfully slow to work with - often crashing as I tried to add items or freezing and forcing me to start over. Then their inventory was constantly discontinuing items forcing me to also go back and research alternatives to add back into my registry. And worst of all...I still have items purchased from a few friends that are marked as purchased and pending shipment with a FedEx tracking number that are still “waiting to be picked up by the carrier” - and they’ve been that way since the beginning of January. Note that today is March 2nd.

A universal registry can consolidate your wants & needs in one place. And it also allows you to add requests from non-traditional registry sites like say Etsy. Or, you can ask for people to “gift” things like home cooked meals or babysitting to give you and your partner a much needed break in those early stressful days. There are multiple universal registries out there, but I would most definitely recommend Babylist for this again because they do genuinely make it easy. You can consolidate access to all your registries through their platform and make it a one-stop-shop while still making unorthodox registry requests like I mentioned above. I am in no way affiliated with Babylist, but I do like their platform and ease of use.

Honorable Mention: Target does attempt the universal registry option by allowing you to register items from other vendors. At the time that I created my Target registry, they didn’t carry the Sleep Sheep or Owlet Sock Monitor, and I was able to add those from my Buy Buy Baby registry. Currently, I believe they do carry the Owlet.

Don’t Forget Mundane Essentials

If you’re trying to build that diaper stockpile I referenced last month, don’t forget to include them on your registry. Be sure to include all the sizes you feel you’ll need or else well meaning guests may end up focusing only on newborn sizes. You can always return or donate what you don’t need but it’s always better to get the right thing the first time. And if you need a refresher, check out this Pinterest image I posted a few months ago which outlines how many diapers you’ll generally need per size. Personally, I recommend that you request the biggest quantity counts available (which is what I did and usually means anywhere from 120 - 180 diapers per box). If you remember my nursery post from yesterday, all those boxes of diapers we’ve stacked in Baby G’s closet came almost exclusively from our registries. Although there’s nothing wrong with guests buying smaller quantities, it’s just easier to request (and get) big mega boxes.

Request a Range of Sizes in Clothes Too!

Much like with diapers, if you don’t specify, you can end up getting a bunch of newborn clothes. And with everything I’ve read, the newborn size is over in like two minutes. So make sure when you’re picking clothes for your registry, that you make selections across the size ranges.

Don’t Forget Yourself!

I don’t mean to put requests for mani-pedis or massages (although you can certainly do that too). I mean take into account, especially if you’re nursing, the things you’ll need. Most insurance will cover the cost of a breast pump, but if they don’t - add this to your registry. If you want to add essentials like nursing bras, tanks, nursing pads and any other nursing accessories, do so. Gift givers will understand and it’ll help you to be fully prepared. Also, don’t forget postpartum recovery items. I added the FridaBaby Mom Washer to my registry but you can also include things like super overnight sized pads, Preparation H and any other medications you may need to make it through the recovery period!

Registry Etiquette

The general rule of thumb is that you shouldn’t request gifts from people you don’t intend to invite to your baby shower - it’s just rude. Whether you plan your shower yourself or have friends/relatives assist, keep this in mind. It’s incredibly tacky to just mass batch & blast your entire friend network with your registry links if you’re not intending to invite them. In our case, we had a very large shower guest list (about 120 people), so we were able to share that information with a lot of people. The only caveat to this rule is if you have friends or relatives who you know won’t be able to attend logistically but still ask you to send them links to your registries.

Managing Returns

It’s inevitable, you’re going to have returns. Either you’ll get items you didn’t request (what I affectionately like to call going rogue), duplicate purchases or you’ll get an item you did request but then realize it’s not a fit for whatever reason. I had all three happen - it’s not the end of the world, it’s just life. Thankfully, most stores make returning items purchased from your registry very easy. Prior to our shower, I politely requested that people ship bigger items directly to our house versus bringing them to the shower (we didn’t have the shower at our house but rather a friend’s private party room in their restaurant). In these cases - and 75% of our registry gifts were shipped to us, the pack slip doubles as your receipt and when you return items, you’ll get the value back as a gift card. In the other cases hopefully people bring gift receipts just in case you need to return!

Final Tips:

If you’re building your registry ahead of your baby shower, most people plan showers for when your 7 to 8 months along. At this point, you’re still somewhat energetic, and it’s not so close to your due date that you risk going into labor and missing your shower. So, strive to set up your registry in the beginning of your 2nd trimester. Ideally do it by the end of your 4th or mid 5th month so people have a month or so to buy these items.

If you choose to do a gender reveal or want to keep the gender a surprise until birth, I’ve yet to find a registry that makes it hard to do so. Be sure to check that you want the gender to be a surprise when you set it up. And be sure to pick gender neutral clothing or items if you genuinely don’t want to know until baby arrives.

I’ve said this before but if you’re really focused on that diaper stockpile, be sure to put a note on your shower invites gently requesting that guests bring diapers of any count and size. It makes a super easy gift for attendees who feel overwhelmed by the other items on your registry.

Keep track of gift givers by managing a spreadsheet. This will make it easier for you to send thank you cards and to ensure duplicate items aren’t purchased.

This post contains affiliate links, which means that if you click on one of the product links, I’ll receive compensation.

[themelaninmamifiles]

Planning for Baby: The Nursery

Earlier last month I started a “planning for baby” series which focused on things like feeding (via formula) and diaper stockpiling. Today, let’s talk the nursery. With the exception of the first few months, your little one is probably going to be spending a lot of time in the nursery. And although it’s not a requirement for you to create this space for them, for many of us it’s a lot of fun to create a cozy yet functional room for baby. Not only will baby be catching some much needed z’s in their nursery, but it can also be a great playroom, a space for nursing/feeding when they’re exclusively on the breast or bottle and will also double as their room for changing diapers and so forth. And as baby gets older, this will eventually become their official bedroom. If you don’t have the space for baby to fully have their own room, there’s no reason you can’t still carve out a little space for them in your bedroom, home office (assuming you don’t use it as a full time office) or even living room or family room depending on how your home is configured. 

When it comes time to plan your nursery, it can literally be an overwhelming experience. Instagram and Pinterest may have you feeling like you have to literally do the most to prove your worthiness to be a new parent. But this just isn’t true. If you want to go overboard, by all means do so. At the same time, whether your budget doesn’t allow for it, or your aesthetic is more minimalistic, you can still create an awesome space for baby. Read on for some tips (based on my own experiences) to create the perfect space for your little one.

1. Pick a Theme and/or Color Palette

This is going to be crucial in terms of decor and color selection. For my husband and I, we’re both minimalists. We don’t like a lot of traditional overly carved furniture. And to top it off, I don’t like the “traditional” pink for girls/blue for boys. I knew from the minute I found out I was pregnant that I wasn’t going to adhere to that old school style of thinking. In a previous post, I mentioned how I opted to go with a unicorn & clouds theme plus picked a color palette of light gray, lilac/lavender, and seafoam green. Now, part of the reason I went this way is because we opted to convert my home office into Baby G’s room. And when it was my office, I had an awesome chevron gray theme going - including my chevron gray couch above which I chose to keep in the baby’s room. So, the couch became an anchor piece in terms of color & decor, and much of what I selected in terms of other furnishings and accents were done to compliment that chevron gray.

Note that my couch is currently housing some extra items that we haven’t quite decided where to put or that Baby G might not need for a few months yet.

2. Decide on Furniture

Although it’s nice to have a complete nursery furniture set, it’s not particularly necessary. And you may also not have the space to accommodate a full furniture set. In our case, it was most definitely a space issue - especially since we were keeping the couch in there. Even though Baby G had her own room, I didn’t want it to feel cluttered with furniture so maximizing space was a priority. Now, you will need a place for baby to sleep, somewhere to change them, and somewhere to house clothes, etc. In our case, the room comes with a closet, so we could put clothes (and our diaper surplus) in the closet. For us, we opted for an all in one convertible crib + changer from Graco that can go from crib to toddler bed to a full size bed (I’m a big fan of buying things that have longevity).

It came with built in storage, a set of three drawers in the changing table (where I house whatever current size of diapers + wipes/lotions/etc + any medicines) and a low drawer under the crib where I keep her receiving blankets, crib sheets, SwaddleMe wraps and zip up blanket sacks. And because I love minimalism, our crib features sleek lines and continues with the gray theme. However, we did also buy a few cubby storage systems and bins from Target to house things like books, Baby G’s short sleeve onesies, toys and other functional items.

Just keep in mind that you should absolutely NOT put the crib by a window. If your place is like ours, there are no child guards on the window. And even if you do, babies can get caught up in curtains and blinds. Just don’t do it. Also, don’t get freaked out, there’s a lot of extra stuff in the crib right now which won’t be there once Baby G arrives and I have yet to safety proof the room.

3. Decide Whether You Want to Paint or Not

I picked a color palette using paint chips, and for that reason alone I’m convinced everyone thought I wanted to paint the walls. I did not want to paint the walls. It’s a lot of work, and especially if you’re renting (which we currently are), it’s a massive pain in the ass to convert a room back to the original white/off white color. However, if you do want to paint, make sure you give yourself enough time to allow the room to properly air out. Paint stinks, and baby is going to have enough hurdles in their early days without also trying to endure paint fumes.

Now if you don’t want to paint (like me), there are fab alternatives. As someone who’s used to apartment life but hates bare walls, I am a huge fan of wall decals and wall art. Wall decals are usually made of vinyl and are as easy to remove as they are to apply. Likewise, I love wall art and use the 3M Command strips (make sure you get the ones designated to hold weight) because they’re as easy to come down as they were to put up. So, I have the “Taylor” + unicorn over the crib and the two posters on opposite short walls near the window. I still have one more wall to decorate (not shown) where I’ll put up seafoam cloud shaped decals.

4. DIY Decor

If you have the energy and are up for it, there’s a lot of cute DIY style decor options you can incorporate. I haven’t done it to date, but I know plenty of people who own Cricket productivity machines who create cute closet divider, card stock backed mobiles and other cute knickknacks to give their baby’s nursery some personality. Just make sure you give yourself enough time to complete any DIY projects as you can easily underestimate how fatigued you can get with your pregnancy.

5. Don’t Forget Functional Storage

We’ve been blessed in that our family and friends went crazy and bought us a ton of diapers and clothes. So, for the most part, I’ve bought the occasional outfit because I want to and haven’t had to even think about buying a diaper or baby wipe because people really showed up and showed out at our baby shower. Since we ended up getting a lot of clothes, my father in law installed a second clothes rack in the closet. So, I was able to place the first year’s clothes on the top rack and the toddler clothes on the 2nd rack. Likewise, I’ve put the older sizes of diapers on the top shelf - along with a few items that I just don’t have homes for right now - and NB, Sz 1 & Sz 2 diapers on the floor for easy access (along with baby wipes).

6. Remember the Baby Monitor & Carbon Monoxide Detector!

There are tons of modern options out on the market today, but whether you go old school or hi-tech wearables - this is an essential. I’m type A, and as someone who survived 2 deadly asthma attacks under the age of 5, I know how essential getting oxygen is! No matter how much I read up on the actual low statistical risk of SIDS or similar sleep concerns, I’m not comfortable with just a simple video monitor. So for me, I wanted something ultra high tech, that genuinely monitors breathing. Thankfully, I was gifted a Cocoon Cam from the brand, via my sister’s awesome connects. But originally I had the Owlet on my registry. And we do still also have a standard video monitor that a friend bought for us off our registry.

7. Acquiring Your Core Nursery Items

Hands down, the best way to acquire these items is through a baby registry. It might sound mercenary but babies are expensive and no one will begrudge you for being pragmatic about it. But also be realistic about prices and how you distribute price points in your registry. Just like with a wedding registry, the sweet spot is to keep the majority of your items under $100 and ideally between the $25 - 75 price point. Obviously things like cribs, changing tables, bouncers, swings, bassinets, gliding chairs or any other kind of furniture or electronic baby focused gadget will typically be very close to or more than $100. Be a realist, those are things that close family will most likely offer to buy you (or very good friends). I’ll do a registry post at a later date...but yeah...a registry will be your bestie for literally and figuratively outfitting baby.

Don’t forget gently used items. Often times it can be a family heirloom. We have a few frocks in Baby G’s closet that her tias & daddy wore when they were babies - including a fab christening gown. I know a lot of people put their noses up at second hand. But whether your budget requires it or someone just nicely offers it to you, don’t be so quick to turn it down. Now, the caveat to this is, if you’re receiving 2nd hand toys or furniture you absolutely must cross reference the item against the official Recall List on the Consumer Product Safety Commission website. Also, the majority of children’s product sites keep an active list of items they’ve recalled from their own portfolio. So, always double check before deciding to make it your own. Things can get recalled at any time. Specifically, you should NOT use a 2nd hand car seat. And if a crib is older than the early 2000s there’s a really good chance you can’t use it as drop side cribs are basically universally banned as being unsafe.

So, those are just some quick tips to get you started with building out your own nursery. Mine is still about 90% done as there are a few straggler items I need to re-home from the home office phase and decor that still needs to be situated. As I mentioned earlier, I’ll most definitely follow up with a registry specific post to help get people on the right track (as registries are very overwhelming)!

[themelaninmamifiles]

36 Weeks & Counting!

I’m officially in my 9th month and even though I still have a few weeks to go, I can definitely tell the big day is coming!

How am I Doing?

Aside from feeling a bit like a slow moving Playskool Weeble when I walk, I’m doing fairly well. Honestly I feel like I need one of those runway waver people from the airport who guide planes in and out of the jetway. Although - even though I feel big, I keep hearing people say that I only look like I’m 6 months along. I don’t know that I agree - but that’s happened about three times this week from random people. Also I’ve definitely been napping more, but in general I have a decent amount of energy. This past week my OB prescribed iron pills because my blood results keep coming back as borderline anemic. So, to prevent full blown anemia from happening from labor and postpartum recovery, she decided to preemptively put me on the iron. The pills are okay except for the gross after taste they give me every time I burp. >_<

Now that I’m in my 9th month, I have to visit my doctor every week. And because of my “advanced maternal age” (I’m so tired of hearing that phrase because I certainly don’t feel old and my visits have all been really positive!) starting next week after every appointment I also have to go through a fetal monitoring review to make sure that Baby G is doing okay in terms of movement and heart rate - although she’s been fine so far (and including today’s appointment). At today’s visit we also did a walk through of the L&D/maternity ward since my OB’s office is right next to the hospital where I plan to deliver. What I love is that all the L&D and maternity recovery rooms are private, that you’re encouraged to room-in with baby & partner, and that there’s a lactation specialist always on call.

And Baby G?

Like I mentioned, she’s moving and hiccuping like it’s any old regular day. According to Ovia, she’s currently the size of a ripe papaya, around 6lbs and 19in in length. Since she’s running out of space in there her movements are definitely getting more uncomfortable for me - especially when she tries to roll over because apparently she didn’t get the memo that she’s out of space. And she also seems to enjoy dropping and then coming back up - but if she could just go down and stay down, I’d love it. As long as she drops and stays there while being head down rather than breech, I’ll be really happy.

Looking ahead...

As I countdown to giving Baby G her eviction notice (lol), I’m really trying to just focus on final prep. This week I began packing my hospital bag and just need to add a few items here and there so that I’m ready. I have appointments set up with pediatricians to pick one for her first few checkups. And, I’m also just finishing up with the nursery. At this point I feel like I’m 90% done with the exception of decorations on one wall and just finding homes for a few things that she certainly can’t use for the next few months.

[themelaninmamifiles]

Planning for Baby: Diapers

Earlier this month I wrote about planning for nursing/feeding baby via formula. To recap, although I do plan to breastfeed, I did also sign up with the major formula producers to receive samples just in case I need to supplement or breastfeeding doesn’t work out. I didn’t go crazy buying formula though as babies can be picky and you can easily waste money buying stashes of a particular formula that baby ultimately rejects. Moving on from formula, another big financial drain when it comes to babies is diapers. Babies go through an insane amount of diapers and there’s nothing I want to avoid more than realizing I’m out of diapers during a 3AM diaper change! 

First things first, you need to decide if you’re going to use cloth diapers or disposables. I’ve opted for disposables. Yes, I know cloth can be friendlier on the environment (although you are increasing your laundry [read: water] usage). But real talk, between the hubby and I, I’m more vigilant about things like not allowing funky odors to persist or doing laundry at consistent intervals. As much as I applaud people who either use a diaper service that replenishes and removes dirty cloth diapers, or have a home system in place to manage this efficiently, I know that this is more of a mental load than I’m willing to take on - especially while adjusting to a new baby. And no shade to the hubby, but considering how he can sit for hours and not notice odors or a mess and I walk in a room and instantly am set on edge...I’m not interested in starting a marital world war over cloth diapers. I know myself, I’m a Scorpio - eventually I’ll hit the roof.

Now if you go the cloth route, there are definitely delivery services you can research or you can decide to just stock up and manage the washing on your own. I have no help for you there because, it’s not of interest to me beyond the cursory initial research I did when my mother in law mentioned that she used a diaper service with her daughters. Anywho...back to disposables.

Create a Stockpile

Earlier on TM2B, I posted a Pinterest image I pinned for creating a stockpile. I am clearly not the author of this image (as you can see from the website at the bottom of it), but as a new mom I found it extremely informative. It helped me to know exactly what I could expect to need (in terms of volume) for that first year or so. This particular image only covers the first 9 months, but there are others that cover the entire diaper life span, and basically you’ll need about 1300 of size 4 diapers and 2300 of size 5. The general consensus being that once you reach size 5, you should be introducing potty training and moving on to something like Pull-Ups. Even my own mother said eventually she pushed potty training because I got to be too big for the largest diaper size and I was literally busting out of my diapers. So...take from that what you will.

Best Ways to Stockpile Diapers

1. The Registry Request

The easiest way to stockpile (and the method I chose) is to register for diapers and to ask people to bring diapers to your baby shower. I registered for the assortments listed above using the largest jumbo boxes of diapers per size I could at Target, Buy Buy Baby and Babies R Us. On the recommendation of pretty much every parent I know (including my own), I registered for sizing in both Pampers and Huggies because most said you may find that one brand works better than another and that can vary by size. I know there’s a whole etiquette thing about asking for specific gifts, but everybody knows that babies go through diapers like water whether they’ve had kids or not. Also, it’s a low pressure and extremely practical gift to give people. I’m not the least bit offended if someone just sends me a box of diapers and nothing else! We literally added a note on our invitation asking that people buy diapers of any assortment or size. Although I didn’t have any games at my shower, a lot of people do the diaper game where you give attendees raffle tickets if they brought diapers and then select random winners for cute party favors.

As a result, I have a MASSIVE stockpile of diapers in a ton of different sizes (and across brands - Pampers & Huggies mostly) and probably won’t have to buy diapers until much later in Baby G’s first year.  In this messy nursery transition photo, the diapers are all stacked up against the wall to the right of the window!

Just remember, it’s important to tell people you need other sizes or you could wind up with a bunch of newborn boxes. And take note, most people say you go through only 1 box of newborns before graduating to Size 1. You can always sell or donate unused diapers, but if you can get what you need the first time, that’s always best.

2. Subscription Service

Most baby centered stores also offer a diaper subscription service so that you never have to leave your house for a diaper run. If for some reason you opt not to do the registry/baby shower diaper request route, this is a great way to make sure you’re always well stocked with diapers. A lot of times the grandparents are very happy to contribute this way as both my mother and mother in law have offered to subscribe us to a diaper subscription service. We haven’t taken them up on it because we lucked out with our baby shower route. Note you can also do this for formula. 

3. Donations

Just because you might be having financial trouble doesn’t mean your little bundle of joy should suffer for it. Most communities and social services have programs to help provide essentials like diapers and formula to low income families. If this is you, look into the services available in your area and sign up. Often these programs are linked to other awesome incentives and opportunities that extend beyond just diapers and formula. Social services are there for a reason, take advantage of them if you qualify!

4. Re-Gifting from Friends and Family

This sort of piggy backs off of number 1 and 3, but if you know other friends and family who are currently on diaper duty (but are a stage or two ahead of you), see if they have excess. It’s highly unlikely that someone planned so perfectly that they completely went through every diaper in a size run. They may have extra left over once they graduate to a new size. And often enough, space is at a premium - once a baby graduates to a new size, the old size is useless and needs to go. Literally our landlords (a sweet couple who lives a floor below us with a 5.5 month old) randomly gave us a box and a half of size 2 Pampers and a bunch of “new with tags” 0-3M baby clothes that their 5 month old never used as a shower gift.

5. Join Diaper Incentive Programs

Pretty much all the major diaper brands offer rewards programs where you get points for each pack of diapers you buy which can be redeemed for...yup more diapers. Register for these programs, especially if you find yourself buying as you go. Diapers are expensive and the cost can add up quickly. Note though, if you’ve stockpiled, check the expiration date of the rewards code on your diaper boxes. I found out that some of the diapers our friends and family bought us had rewards codes that expired in 2017...but our shower was in 2018. So, I wasn’t eligible to register some of the diaper boxes for points. *sad face*

[themelaninmamifiles]

35 Weeks & Counting!

I’m counting down the clock til Baby G makes her big arrival. With just over 4 weeks to go, I’m firmly in the home stretch!

How am I doing?

Aside from being chronically tired, I’ve been in fairly good shape. One thing I’ve noticed is that I have constant pelvic pain/soreness. Mostly it’s in my hips and literally my butt is sore when I get up from sitting. And even though I have a maternity belt, it helps somewhat, but not enough to provide total relief. On the positive side, I really haven’t been experiencing Braxton Hicks contractions very much (thank goodness!). I’m still working on finalizing things like the nursery and picking a pediatrician.

Last week I completed our childbirth class series and also took an infant CPR class - which was super helpful. I still have two more intensive classes to go: Newborn Care and Breastfeeding. I finally decided when I would take my maternity leave. On the recommendation of our childbirth class instructor, I want to make sure I have at least a good two weeks of rest and relaxation prior to my due date. So, I’ve opted to take off in early March so that I’m not stressing myself with unnecessary things (no shade to work) or running around too much prior to Baby G’s arrival.

And Baby G?

At 35 weeks, Baby G is more or less as big as she’s going to be. She’s maintaining a height between 18 and 19 inches and now is edging closer to 5 pounds. Her lungs are still developing (as she gets hiccups 2 - 3x a day still) and she’s still as active as ever. This week, according to Ovia, she’s as big as a bunch of carrots (finally we got away from heads of cabbage and lettuce). Although she’s mostly developed, if Baby G was born today she would still be considered pre-term as 37 weeks is considered the hard line for when a baby is least likely to have respiratory issues.

Looking ahead...

As of next week, I’ll be doing weekly doctor’s visits until Baby G arrives. This week my big goals are to finalize the pediatrician (or at least set up consultation appointments) and pack my hospital bag. I’ve made a list of what I want to take with me I just haven’t gotten around to packing it as it might need a bigger bag than I originally anticipated.

[themelaninmamifiles]

Ella es Barbie... No! Ella es Christie o Teresa!

So, today’s title is a twist on an inside joke with my husband’s side of the family. His maternal grandmother has always affectionately said “Ella es Barbie” (she is Barbie) when referencing my overall looks. Trust me it’s a compliment. However, I’ve always countered “No, yo soy Christie!” (no, I’m Christie) to reference the fact that as an African American, I feel more aligned with Christie, Barbie’s black bestie. This is primarily due to the fact that in my house growing up in the 80s and 90s, white dolls were a rarity and pretty much only happened when our parents absolutely could not find the black counterpart. 90% of our non-stuffed animal toys were black - with the exception of certain characters like Rainbow Brite, Jem and Strawberry Shortcake (even though all of them had black friends that were available as toys).

Remember those Lil Miss dolls with color changing hair and outfits - yup ours were black. Remember PJ Sparkles? She was black. Cabbage Patch dolls? Black! Remember Baby Roller Blade or Suzy Snapshot who would pose as you clicked the camera? Yes I had them all...as black dolls. My first American Girl doll was Addy. And of all the Barbie dolls we owned (I’m referencing the general brand, not the specific characters), only 5-10% were actually Barbie, Midge or Skipper - the rest were Christie’s. That was until my mom said she was tired of buying the actual dolls and would only buy us play sets and outfits (fair enough - if you’ve seen one Barbie/Christie, you’ve seen them all). My sister and I grew up as children of two black parents who grew up in the 50s and 60s, where things like “representation” were novel ideas. My mother and my aunts had some of the original cat eyed vixen Barbies, Chatty Cathy’s, etc. Major manufacturers weren’t even considering mass marketing black dolls back then.

Switch to school work and whenever we were asked to do a biography or paper where the subject was open for us to pick, my parents required us to do our paper on a black person. Outside of school, we had books about black history in our house. To put it indelicately, my parents made it clear that we had 180 days every school year to learn about “mainstream” (read white) history, and a paltry 16-20 days in February where black history might loosely be the focus. (And honestly this was often confined to MLK, Rosa Parks, Harriet Tubman and George Washington Carver). I can’t say I disagree at all with this sentiment given how current textbooks in elementary schools are rewriting slaves as “unpaid workers” (HARD side eye). In case you can’t tell, I hate revisionist history...

So, suffice to say, I grew up with a healthy respect for my culture as well as a genuine interest in black history and a hunger to really understand the wonky dynamic in this country between black history, black excellence and the “American story”. It’s part of why I love history so much. Now, that’s not to say that I was always a super confident, take no prisoners person. I definitely suffered from low self esteem growing up and to this day do feel like I went through a particularly torturous ugly duckling phase. But I can honestly say, that in all my time of not feeling pretty or adequate on a social level, it never had anything to do with me being black. I never wished to be light skinned or white (don’t get me started on colorism - let’s unpack that land mine another day). When I didn’t think I was attractive, it was literally because I didn’t feel pretty as compared to other black girls/teens in my school - not because I was black. I’ve always loved being black.

Fast forward to adulthood and I always knew that the emphasis placed on loving my heritage, studying my history and having healthy representations of self as a child would be something I’d want to carry on with my future children. I’ve felt this way since college...way before I met my husband or was even considering having kids. And now that we have our own Afro-Latina bundle of joy arriving in a few weeks, I’ve expanded this belief to include a healthy appreciation for Latino and specifically Puerto Rican history & culture as well. I’d be lying if I said I had a huge knowledge of Latino contributions or Puerto Rican history outside of the annual Puerto Rican Day Parade and the thinnest of history lessons surrounding the Spanish American War. Sadly, it wasn’t something I was really exposed to, but I’m happily learning every day.

Self confidence, and cultural pride starts at home. It doesn’t matter how amazing a school system is, I don’t believe in leaving those particular lessons to school curriculum. Just like I’ve always felt coverage of Black History Month was woefully pathetic, my recollection of learning about Latino contributions is even worse. Hispanic Heritage Month is October, and in all the formative years of school I attended, I don’t remember any real effort being made on the behalf of educators to teach us about Hispanic contributions outside of Spanish conquistadors - and I’m not quite sure that really counts. Just like my parents made it a point to primarily give us black dolls or required us to write about black history, we’ll be doing the same for Baby G. Of course, we’re expanding that to black and Latino dolls or history/biography papers.

I speak “passable” Spanish, but I want our daughter to be truly bilingual. I want her to know that from both sides of her family, she has a rich and continuing history of black and Latino excellence. And more importantly, even though representation has gotten 1000 times better than when the hubby and I were children (or our parents) I want her to know that she is amazing and normal. She’s not a subset, she’s not a niche, she’s not an outlier. To take a riff from The Help...you are kind, you are smart, your are important.