The Memoirist's Lost Train

Amanda// 24// attempting poetry since I was 15. Working on a year long series to help me commit to loving me,being better and speaking my mind. #365 letters to the world for and from me Hey! I'm just getting my writing wheels going. I dabble in prose and poetry; it's a constant work in progress, just like me.

[thememoiristslosttrain]

I already knew how horrible a person I was when every human I knew hated me but I must really be the worst person alive if even my dog can’t stand me. Talk about being unlovable.

[thememoiristslosttrain]

Nouvelles Expériences

I looked up, “how to be alone” on google today and found this lovely post about the 13 things you can do to make it a good experience.

Take yourself out more. Go for movies. Do everything you would do with others but do it alone.

Maybe I’ll realise that I’m not such bad company after all.

I’m hoping it’s one of those, “ It’s only a matter of time” kinda things.

[thememoiristslosttrain]

Normalcy

If I died tonight the sun would still rise

The stars would stil cry at certain times

We’d wonder if love is what really fills the skies,

Just before a storm, when the heart of a lover no longer beats by your side.

[thememoiristslosttrain]

Would love to see that beautiful smile of yours that people talk about

Thank you! I’d love to know who talks about it haha! Not too many of those.

[thememoiristslosttrain]

Please stop fighting for me. I don’t want to be here anymore. I can’t keep pretending that I do because I don’t. So please stop. Help me make it stop.

[thememoiristslosttrain]

I just tried to tag something positive on here. I’m disappointed to say that no tags came up for no more self hate

Yours

[thememoiristslosttrain]

I have a beautiful smile. One I’ve hidden away for years. One I couldn’t even fake. One I can finally show myself all the time. One I love.

Yours truly

[rhapsodic-evanescence]

I miss his hugs. They made me feel safe. It was almost like the rest of the world could wait just long enough for him to squeeze me tightly.

- but even a hug seems like too much to ask for

[thememoiristslosttrain]

Roll out

Walled in, four barricades to shut me out.

One to change my heart

The other to “take” away pain

A third to change my mind

And the fourth to change my ways

To gain, I must lose.

To be better, destroy all that we’ve made

No happiness, bliss or support on which I’m allowed to lean

Alone, is the way to go because together, I’m told, can only bring mutiny.

For centuries the world survived but that never mattered anyway

A new lesson taught has now become the cardinal way

I must follow a predesigned path so I can check off the list I’m told I must make

Always, remembering that

A toe out of line and the universe disintegrates

[thememoiristslosttrain]

When we feel ready we will know. Till we do, we must hope because if anything, love is hope.

[thememoiristslosttrain]

As bittersweet as this revelation is, you truly do not know the value of something and someone until you can no longer have it.

Yours truly

[thememoiristslosttrain]

I’ve spent the whole morning going through our pictures and videos (ones I stole while we chatted). Just your smile gives me the strength to get through the worst days.

Yours truly.

[thememoiristslosttrain]

I wish we’d gotten that tattoo together. I’d have you on my skin and in a way you’d be a literal part of me and I of you.

Yours truly

[thememoiristslosttrain]

Going numb is tricky. It feels like it’s fixing things and nothing feels better than everything. Till one day you’re sitting on “nothing” that has become an atomic bomb of “everything”. Your grip on the deadman’s switch has loosened. Boom!

Yours truly

[thememoiristslosttrain]

In all the time we’ve been together not once has my screen been our picture. Today, it is a reminder of what I’ve lost so I can truly be found.

[thememoiristslosttrain]

I wish I hadn’t gone yesterday

Walked through a door that split my soul

I wish I had, had more time

To hold and kiss you so many times more

[thememoiristslosttrain]

I’m starting to understand why we have to do this. Without letting go we will never make it in one piece to the other side. We deserve so much more than pieces. It’s time.

Yours truly