T h e M e s s

turns out you can't just erase the mess inside

[themessysideofme]

Ok but you pinned down by the arms with your eyes widening and the audible gasp as I grind down on you? Hot af.

[themessysideofme]

The guilt of having you love me while I don't feel the same is killing me. It's not fair you keep telling me how much you love me and how it hurts. But I know it's my fault and my burden so I take it with a smile but deep down I'm dying.

[themessysideofme]

Can I also add I missed sex so much? Like I had forgotten how great it felt to have sex before a shower, after a shower, in the middle of the night, and in the morning before work. Sometimes if I wake up early enough I'll have sex before my morning workout too. Maybe it's just for now because everything is new, but I hope it lasts a while. It feels like I'm making up for all the sex I missed out on and I love it.

[themessysideofme]

Small update. I couldn't get rid of my messy feelings. So I ran. I left and I found myself in the place I least expected. I realized I was conforming to you and settling for you. This was the cause of my frustrations which were the cause of your anxiety. So the issue was me and I fixed it. I decided we should end. Now I've found someone that's on my wavelength and idk how to not fuck it up.

[chaosophia218]

[random-sweet-things]

I miss what we used to be.

[themessysideofme]

With the way you haunt my dreams and with the doubt she has, my confidence is wavering. Do I know what I'm doing? Do I know what I want? Is this it? Is this me? Or is it just what's convenient?

[themessysideofme]

So in response to my last post, I will be better. I will start with positive self care and hopefully this will change from the mess to the 《 h o p e 》

[themessysideofme]

I have yet to instill positive self care that lasts more than a week

[themessysideofme]

On the days when I'm alone, I think of all I've lost. It's not much and it's all pretty much hypothetical, but the feeling is real.

In my first real relationship I didn't just lose the person I loved, I lost the best friend that helped me without knowing it. I lost my first best friend by knowingly breaking both of our hearts for what I believed to be the greater good. I never got my best friend back so I was lonely for a while.

During my second relationship, marriage had already been legalized and I had found a reliable and trustworthy friend in my partner. Everything clicked perfectly. We had similar interests and experiences. Until one day we didn't and we broke up. I lost my illusion of marriage and a family with kids and a house as well as a friend. I vowed to stay single until I found someone more in tune with my future plans.

In the blink of an eye, 2 years passed. I was alone, depressed, and debating going back to my roots. I was at one of the lowest points in my life and I was over it.

Now, another 3 years have passed, I'm on track to achieving my dreams. I have my best friend and life partner, we're planning to get married, and yet on my days alone all I feel is loss. I wonder if it'll happen again. And on the days I'm really heartbroken about it, I get an overwhelming desire to throw it all away as opposed to playing the waiting game.

[themessysideofme]

I dreamed the most aggressive answer from you only to receive the most passive one. None.

[memeuplift]

[themessysideofme]

No coffee

8pm bedtime

School is hard

Brain is fried

I admire you for all you do. We're still as similar as we used to be. You're still strong enough to push through on your own like you've always been. You never needed me or anyone else, but I feel like you just wanted that support. If we had stayed friends and I hadn't pushed it too far, maybe we both could have been in a better place. Maybe not. I will never know, but it is what it is.

[themessysideofme]

I guess if I'm being honest, I'm scared of messing this up.

I'm scared because I don't know if I will ever love you the way you love me.

I'm scared because I feel like I'm reliving my first heartbreak except this time I might be the heartbreaker due to my issues and my need for control.

I want this to work, but it's hard having to fight with myself to become a better person while also having to deal with my family pressure and my own expectations on top of yours.

[themessysideofme]

I never knew ghosts were real until I met you.

[themessysideofme]

Is there such a thing as a coincidence nowadays? 9 years ago you ask me to run away with you. Sure they were dreams of children, but now we can. It can really be just you and me until the end..

[themessysideofme]

I can't justify why your voice is always the one guiding me.

[themessysideofme]

I hate that I answer every time you look for me. I know every time that nothing will change and I'm ok with that, but at the same time, it's easier to not miss someone that doesn't exist.