I feel like my ability to mimic people is a unique talent. I don’t know where my real voice is, I just become whoever I’m with. & I seem to know how their head works more intensely than the average person. Sometimes, I do intentionally build my own voice and personality. But that takes time. Now, I have to acknowledge when I’m accidentally becoming someone and fight it.
My tendency to mimic dominant men is totally also a symptom of gender dysphoria. I still sometimes contemplate if I was really meant to be born a male, but I counter this with the possibility of internalized misogyny that view my intelligence and dominant traits as not possibly being able to be feminine. But when I do embrace feminity, I feel like I embrace it as a once male, dressing my self up in prettiness and femme privileges such as being able to sell my sex and not having to do physical labor jobs, as well as taking a bunch of steps to take care of myself and becoming a glowing, good smelling goddess.
I feel like gender dysphoria comes from not being able to fit in with hyper-feminine women who do whatever they can to fit into the role they’re expected to. & I do get shit for being more open-minded and living against those roles. But when I turn to male friends I feel uncomfortable, am treated as lesser or being turned into a sex object. If I did change my sex I would still never fit into the adventure and free intellectual thinking of the male world. I get some look into their privileged world having to quietly listen to their discussion and debate, if I pipe in I’m mansplained into oblivion. In the femme world, much of our discussion revolves around being pretty and good enough for men, or it’s kind of nonsensical as a result of our trauma. There is cattiness and if you’re in any way better you’re treated badly due to envy or even sabotaged.
I used to say that I preferred male friends because of “less drama”. Feminists tear down that rhetoric as it implies that men are better than women. But in the normal femme world, there is a lot of drama, it’s unfortunate but it’s true. Women tear each other down to appeal to men.
Guys do it to each other too, however. Men treat sex as a competition.
& Because of that, having male friends is still unpleasant. Sometimes the conversation is more intellectual and open, I still have heard a lot from men about ways to manipulate women into having sex with them, multiple women. & Since I’m the tomboy friend, I don’t get treated as a fellow male but a female who is undesirable. I get to listen, but can’t engage much without mansplaining.
Women are the opposite, and the competition is to have as little sex as possible. The purest girl who wears the least revealing clothes wins.
They are also less likely to open up about their real feelings with each other. Women, on the other hand, often do have a lot of erratic emotions, but I blame this on trauma and oppression. I haven’t had a lot of trauma or faced oppression so I always judged women when they got super emotional over nothing. I also wonder if I have more testosterone. On birth control, I did feel less in control of my emotions.
I had a trans girlfriend who started taking femme hormone pills, unprescribed, while we were dating. I liked her so much less. I didn’t like the way she attributed her now feminine hormones to make her cry more or geek out over cute things. I like animals but never geeked out over cute things. This relationship really confused my sexuality and gender dysphoria. I was a lesbian who dressed androgynously, but that dick made me straight and I became a lot more feminine because I didn’t like being demonized for how I mimicked perceived masculinity. I was a dominant, open minded, intellectual romantic but I also had objectification issues and mimicked abusive men. I felt like I was too rough for women. But I realized years later that I felt too guilty, I never meant to harm my exgf, I even gave her an apology letter after breaking up with her the second time, and I couldn’t acknowledge how she lied to me about what K2 was, which could have killed me, and the main reason why I broke up with her was because I had to stop when she wouldn’t. But she attempted suicide and told people I used her for drugs. 12$ packs of K2 from the gas station, okay no. Then, sadly, my own queer friends shifted away from me.
Having played male I see what issues the patriarchal male roles face. Good people are demonized while bad guys psyche their way out of their damage consequences. A good guy will apologize to someone who hurt them. His male placement makes him feel big, bad and grotesque compared to women. People believe that men can’t be abused. Men are subject to physical labor jobs, which is where I would much rather play a high femme role to get by as a sex worker. The fact that men are subject to be the rulers of the house gives them a big responsibility, that clearly many of them can’t handle when a cycle of abuse and dysfunction keeps happening. As a man, I can’t be pretty. I have to smell like dirtier things while women shroud themselves into becoming flowers to have sex with. Sex becomes a challenge in a world where I’m told to have as much as possible while women are told to have as little as possible. I’ll have sex with someone I don’t desire just to score points, then I wind up using someone and hurting them. If I can’t get women then I feel betrayed and need to lash out. No one ever taught me not to rape or understand appropriately why I’m always rejected, to be patient and accept who is for me instead of expecting the impossible. Even today I have to be the bigger supplier for needy women when they don’t make as much as me.
janainaart
blakekathryn
dailybridgerton
theartofmadeline
stormborns
tangentwithtanner
