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@themuckrakers
welcome to the muckrakers, your favorite online source for all saint rivera gossip, blind items, and anonymous confessions. remember: if we heard it, then it's probably true or something! #fuckcampusradio #fuckthenewspaper
SPILL THE TEA.
sup pretty muckraker lady,
i think i'm in love with one of my best friends, but i'm pretty sure he's into this lame ass other dude (probably just because he's got money and a big ass)
is it over for me? or are we so back?
love, anonymous
the fact that you think i'm pretty... oh, this is getting dangerous. let me know when this lovesick puppy era of yours is over and come find #bigmama. ANYWAY. you're "pretty sure" he's into this other dude? firstly, make sure that's actually true. because "pretty sure" has gotten more people into unnecessary emotional turmoil than any relationship ever could. secondly, even IF it is true, what's stopping him from liking more than one person? maybe he's had a crush on you this whole time. maybe he's been too scared to say anything. maybe this other guy feels easier. safer. less terrifying than confessing feelings to his best friend. maybe he's sitting around wondering why YOU haven't made a move. so move! make your little declaration. put it all on the line. worst case scenario? you're rejected and have to dramatically disappear from campus for three to five business days. you'll live. it's not over until it's over, and frankly, i'm rooting for you. #lovesickpuppy #wearesoback
getting second place at sectionals would be better for new directions than winning
explain this to me. i'm not disagreeing, but tell me why.
petition for more girlkissing at saint rivera
at this point, i'm begging. i might as well take off the mask and let the world see me for who i really am: a girlkisser. we need more! where are they? why are they scared? this is saint rivera, not the vatican. somebody get these girls in a room and lock the door until we have some results. i'm tired of waiting. #girlkisser #girlongirl
which campus loser deserves their own hate association?
well, honestly, the people i was going to list have already vacated the campus. did they sense what i was brewing? did word get out? are they hiding from me? i'd like to think so. looking at the people we've got left, though, there are definitely some good options. i'm just not ready to put pen to paper yet. i need to see the dust settle a little more. let's see how sectionals goes first, because i'm thinking we might have a BIGGEST LOSER award waiting for us on the other side. and when i say award, i mean absolutely no prize, no ceremony, and probably some emotional damage. stay tuned. #sectionalsfirst
what do you think will happen to stella if the new directions lose sectionals?
i honestly don't think anything will happen. and not because i'm a stella stan or anything. obviously. but think about. how much improvement have the new directions had in such a short amount of time? they went from whatever the hell was happening before to actually looking like a group that might know what they're doing. on top of that, her previous co-captain left, she's had to fill in the blanks, wrangle an entire group of people, and deal with an onslaught of non-singers. (cillian, brooks, and co., i'm looking at you). so if they don't come in dead last, i'm pretty sure everybody should be thrilled. and honestly? with another competition under her belt, i think stella could do a LOT with that experience. give the girl a minute. not every loss needs to end in a public execution. #letstellacook
i heard bear has been replaced by his less evil twin
if this is true, is there an even less evil triplet? because bear is not somebody i'd like to mess with. even if they did switch out with a less evil twin, there's still something lingering there. something under the surface. something that is simply not passing my vibe check. like congratulations on being less evil, i guess, but i'm still keeping one eye open when he walks past me. for all intents and purposes, bear is officially going on my list of people i don't want to talk too much about out of fear for my own personal safety. if i suddenly stop posting about them, mind your business.
i heard oliver's dad is the head of the filipino mafia
where the hell did you hear that from? i'd like to get your sources and verify them myself, because for some reason, i'm just not believing this. oliver? OLIVER!? my god. if my dad was the head of the filipino mafia, i would NOT be sitting in a classroom at saint rivera. i'd either be living in some ridiculous mansion or, if school was somehow non-negotiable, i'd be at a way better one. harvard. yale. oxford. somewhere with a security detail and a trust fund. not saint rivera university, where the biggest threat on campus is apparently the dorm electrical system. and IF this is true... hi oliver :) so lovely to make your acquaintance! tell your dad i'm super cool and definitely not asking questions about his business operations. #allegedly #pleasedtomeetyou
joey makes me want to bark. he's so hot!
joey? the twink that plays the drums and says shit i can't understand? my god. at least pick somebody more stable! i heard this is his third college. and he already has a degree. so what's a transfer student doing at yet another college for yet another stupid ass piece of paper? he's up to something. i don't know what, but i'm watching. maybe he's running from the law. maybe he's so annoying he's been run off other campuses and wants to try again. either way, please, for the love of god, set your sights higher. you can do better than the mysterious drummer with a suspicious academic history. #barkresponsibly #thirdtimesnotacharm
i think the big one (mason) is gonna eat the little one (naim) alive... fight for us naim!
all i have to say for this one is… i'd like to see it.
really want to lose my virginity this year!
and with the power of CONFIDENCE and questionable decision-making, you too can lose your v-card! believe in yourself. believe in the process. believe that somewhere on this campus is somebody equally willing to make a questionable decision with you. if you're attracted to men, just know... they're easy. the easiest. honestly, i'm shocked some of you still have v-cards. but also, i don't think there should be some huge importance placed on losing it. it's a societal concept, after all. nobody is handing you a trophy. there is no graduation ceremony. however, if it's something you genuinely want, then start there! if you're only into non-men, though... apologies. i know i still can't tell the difference between a friendly compliment and somebody wanting to take my clothes off. apparently i'm useless. #believeinyourself #godspeed
i love someone who i have absolutely no chance with.
well, isn't this depressing... as the appointed devil's advocate, i must ask: why don't you have a chance? and before you start listing reasons, i'm going to remind you that even if somebody's married, there's still technically a chance! is it a good chance? probably not. is it a morally sound chance? let's not get into that. BUT IT'S A CHANCE. if you know for a fact there's a zero percent chance of reciprocation because they're just not attracted to your gender? uh-oh! we've encountered a legitimate obstacle. otherwise, i say put it all on the line. say it. confess. embarrass yourself. make it everybody's problem. because what's the worst that could happen? you get rejected and have to dramatically stare out a window for three business days. you'll survive. #shootyourshot #loveisawarzone
odds gwen takes clementine out?
honestly, gwen scares me. i can't get a read on her vibe. she's so... proper? but unhinged? like somebody taught a victorian doll how to commit crimes. and i'm pretty sure i've heard her scream-crying more than once. that's not exactly filling me with confidence in clementine's survival odds. i'd be fearful for clementine's safety and i'm not even joking this time. campus security, we need a threat assessment. we need a perimeter. we need somebody to quietly follow gwen around with a clipboard. actually, just put clementine in protective custody. better safe than sorry. #protectclementine #gwenwatch #allegedly
will sydney survive without his other half?
unfortunately, i do believe sydney is going to crash and burn. i want him to succeed, i really do. but i'm not gonna lie, folks. it's not looking good. his other half. his boyfriend. his silly rabbit. GONE. with the wind. never to return again. and honestly? i'd be packing my shit up and leaving right alongside him. if my other half disappeared, saint rivera would simply have to find another student to bother. i'm not built for that kind of adversity. at least sydney is stronger than me. maybe he'll surprise us. maybe he'll pull through. maybe he'll stare dramatically out a window for six hours and find the strength within. #sydneystrong #sillyrabbit
mckenna rosen has a crush on half of campus at this point
and what's so wrong with that? she's living in limerence 24/7. honestly, i think it's sweet. does it probably take a devastating toll on her psyche? absolutely. is she emotionally invested in somebody new every time she turns a corner? probably. but you know what? GO ON AHEAD, GIRLFRIEND. let that little heart of yours run wild. somebody has to keep the campus romance industry alive. #lovewins
as much as i live for and love the gossip, send in some confessions! are you crushing on someone? are you manipulating others for your own gain? where do you get your weed from? is there someone you think is fugly? something you feel guilty over? let us know!
how do you think luke actually got those bruises?
i can't know for sure, but whatever fugly excuse he comes up with, i'm not buying it. a fight in a bar? please. fell on a door handle? sure, luke. walked face-first into a cabinet door over and over and over again? oh, yeah, now we're getting somewhere. because this is ridiculous. i can't imagine somebody being big and bad enough to willingly throw hands with a SEVEN FOOT TALL football player. like, what is the thought process there? "yeah, i could take him." NO. YOU COULDN'T. and while we're on the subject, there has been a little rumbling that daddy dearest wasn't exactly thrilled with his son's performance in theater. now, is that connected? absolutely not proven. is it a whisper in the wind? sure. is it suddenly very interesting when we're staring at those bruises? i think so. i'm just saying, maybe the cabinet door had a name. so whatever happened, i'm sure the official story will be beautifully fabricated. if anybody has theories, though, let me know. i'm always looking to scheme. #suspicious #justaskingquestions