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welcome to the muckrakers, your favorite online source for all saint rivera gossip, blind items, and anonymous confessions. remember: if we heard it, then it's probably true or something! #fuckcampusradio #fuckthenewspaper

SPILL THE TEA.

#pinned.

to the residents of hudson 2B, shut the fuck up! just hooting and hollering twenty–four seven!

GO OVER THERE AND TELL THEM! why are we alerting the national guard? if they're really hooting and hollering twenty-four seven, then either knock on the door or submit a noise complaint like the rest of the sleep-deprived population. unless, of course… you're secretly enjoying the free entertainment. curious. #handleit #idontliveinhudson2b

#gossip.

any relationships you'd really like to see happen?

for purely entertainment purposes? goldie and brooks, without question. watching the two dumbest people i've ever encountered stand there telling each other #exactly while simultaneously misunderstanding the same conversation would heal something inside me. brooks strikes me as the type to accidentally flirt with literally everyone because he has the social awareness of a dog. goldie, however… #mamadontplay that girl would launch the atomic bomb over somebody saying, "hey, brooks!" in the hallway. saint rivera would become a crater by the third class of the day. #nationalsecuritythreat

i've already spoken on this once, but i'll happily say it again: cece and stella. i'm going full #yuri for those two. i don't want sunshine and rainbows. i want yearning so intense it ruins both of their academic careers. i want six months of aggressively denying feelings. i want unnecessary arguments fueled entirely by poor communication. i want one of them to storm off dramatically while the other stands there pretending not to care. healthy relationships are beautiful. however… my favorite relationships are always deeply concerning. #toxicwlw

respectfully… SYDNEY AND MILO! i've seen enough. put them in a room together. make them accidentally brush hands. have one of them say "good game, man" and linger half a second too long. i'll do the rest. i've already got ao3 open and i'm halfway through outlining chapter one in my head. you can't stop me now. break the stereotypes. hold hands after practice. share a milkshake. realize you've been in love for three months and everybody else noticed before you did. google, show me these guys' b- #justonelockerroomscene

now, just for shits and giggles, this is my #rapidfire list. cece and august, but i imagine only for like a one-week fling — they'd throw the school out of balance too much. abilene and a white claw, or really any alcohol, i need to see how the #godgirl let's loose! i'd like to see gabe and a normal human interaction for once. and lastly, glee club 🤝 winning anything at all.

#gossip.#goldie.#brooks.#cece.#stella.#sydney.#milo.#august.#abilene.#gabe.#glee club.

how long before bear gets tired of abilene not putting out that he starts larping lars and the real girl?

i don't know… i think for bear, the chase is the fun. some people climb mountains because they're there. some people spend months trying to win over the same person because apparently they enjoy unnecessary hardship. the real question is: how long until abilene stops looking over both shoulders before holding someone's hand? girl, if god put him directly in your path, who are you to question the itinerary? #goddoesntmakemistakes #THOTSandprayers

#gossip.#bear.#abilene.

oh no! you're on a stranded island :/ which three people are you bringing to the island for maximum entertainment?

i would bring sully and abilene and i'd sit back with billy while we'd commentate their interactions!

#gossip.#sully.#abilene.#billy.

has anyone shook goldie around a bit to see if there's anything more than rocks in that brain of hers??

ouch. harsh! did she take your man or something? she might be blonde, but let's give miss goldie a little credit here. do you have any idea how much brain power it takes to operate at that energy level twenty-four hours a day?

while the rest of us are waking up and checking our phones, she's already on her seventh side quest, fourth crush, and third caffeine source. not everybody can become that irritating that quickly. that's talent. i don't always understand what she's doing, but i respect the commitment to the bit. #loveherdown

#gossip.#goldie.

ur mean :(

people ask what the people want to know! not my fault it's not what you want to hear :(

#gossip.

how the hell didn't julian make the top 5?

'how the hell didn't julian make the top 5?' - julian, sent from iphone. why do you care so much? it seems like ole jules has made a negative impact on you. to be completely honest, he slipped my mind. which, unfortunately, is kind of my entire issue with julian. i went back into my notes to see some annoying traits (trust me, they're there), but i fear there's some bigger and better personalities that took the spotlight in my brain!

i have no thoughts. no strong feelings. no emotional response whatsoever. every time i remember julian exists, it feels like i'm discovering him for the first time again. if you want me to talk about him so badly, then somebody needs to give me something to work with. say he started a feud. joined a cult. faked his own death. become interesting. the ball is in your court, jules.

#gossip.#julian.

I think gabe is really cute ૮ ˶ᵔ ᵕ ᵔ˶ ა

wait… WHO? hold on. *puts on reading glasses* *flips through notes* *checks attendance records* *reviews security camera footage* *pulls out the saint rivera student census* *contacts the fbi* *opens a missing persons case* oh… GABE! why didn't you just say that? yes, he's easy on the eyes. unfortunately, that's where my report ends.

every time i try to gather information on that boy, he disappears into the background like mist. what does he do for fun? no idea. who are his enemies? unknown. what are his hobbies? being quiet, probably. he's cute, sure. but from a gossip perspective? total flop. #BORING #speakupking #isheevenreal

#confession.#gabe.

i heard that savannah makes a lot of frequent trips off campus, where to? last time i heard she was the president of a vampire witch cult, but i need your thoughts?

savannah is an enigma and, quite frankly, i'm comfortable leaving her that way. she strikes me as the type of person who intentionally cultivates an air of mystery because she wants people to ask about it. president of a vampire witch cult? maybe. leader of a secret underground coven? possible. ancient immortal being trapped in the body of a teenager? i'm not ruling anything out.

but the truth is probably far less exciting. she's most likely sitting in complete silence, staring at nothing, recharging her vessel on the stolen energy of everybody she was around that day. like a phone plugged into a charger. except instead of electricity, she runs on trapped social energy and vague disdain. it's what keeps that youthful glow about her. that and the blood rituals. allegedly.

#gossip.#savannah.

top 5 most annoying glee club members?

#1. LET'S ROCK! well, savannah has to be up there, right? i mean, we get it... you're emo. 2007 called, they want their eyeliner back! every time i see her, i feel like i'm about to get lectured on a band with twelve monthly listeners and a lead singer who only communicates through tumblr posts. besides her overall vibe that i'm not fucking with, she seems fine if you can get over the annoying 'i listened to them first' attitude.

#2. INFESTATION! i'm not counting them individually because they travel in a pack and it feels dangerous to keep them apart. they come together, #DONOTSEPARATE! carter. sydney. cole. conrad. theo. milo. i'm looking at YOU! why did the hockey team collectively decide to infiltrate a safe space for theater kids and losers? some things are meant to remain #separate. every week i feel like i'm watching a nature documentary about an invasive species.

#3. GOLDILOCKS! for absolutely no concrete reason, i feel like goldie could be deeply annoying. if she's calm? maybe i could love her. if i look deeply into my heart, i could say she has potential! but when does that girl ever act like she didn't just do an 8-ball? regardless, she's on thin ice with me. save some hookups for the rest of us, girlfriend! dare i say... the #girlsully? many people are asking this.

#4. & #5. THE GHOST & THE (LO)SER! the last two, i'm pairing together. casper and lo? they seem 2 kool 4 skool. casper treats glee club like a court-ordered community service requirement. she shows up. sings like rent is due. immediately vanishes. now, i'll eat my words if it comes out she's actually auditioning to play forrest in a new forrest gump musicial because in THAT case, she's obviously #winning. but until then? stop acting like you're better than everybody, sweetums. and then here comes lo… the spiritual opposite of casper. they stay. they're present. they're technically participating. but i need somebody to explain the performance choices to me. you can sing. i know you can sing. so why are you performing like somebody just told you enthusiasm is federally illegal? loosen up! do some jazzercise!

anyway, these are my opinions and therefore objectively correct. xoxo kisses!

#gossip.#savannah.#carter.#sydney.#cole.#conrad.#theo.#milo.#goldie.#casper.#lo.

i heard the real reason cecelia joined glee club is because she has a BIG FAT LESBIAN CRUSH on stella.

well, it certainly tracks. cece is giving gay (compliment) and stella is #gorjeen. but let's put the allegations aside for a second and discuss the far more important possibility… what if cece joined glee club on a dare, intending to hate every second of it? what if she saw stella across the room in cinematic slow motion and suddenly every love song in the setlist started making sense?

i'm seeing enemies to lovers. i'm seeing accidental yearning. i'm seeing 10 things i hate about you. i'm seeing a wedding montage set to an indie cover of a pop song. love is love and i support women's rights… i'd say i support #womenswrongs, but this doesn't feel wrong, baby! this feels oh, so right.

#gossip.#cece.#stella.

we need a list of people sully has slept with. i'm nlt double dipping with him.

a list? my honey, it'd be easier to find out who sully hasn't sullied. at this point we're gonna need a flowchart. a census. a dedicated research team. somebody get me a whiteboard and three interns. anyway, free testing at the student health center every tuesday and thursday! #getchecked #wrapitbeforeyoutapit #saintriverareaper

#gossip.#sully.

i heard abilene gets freaky on the weekends and she doesn't want people to know about her HOEdown showdown :(

abilene gives me the same vibes of an amish girl on #rumspringa, but she's too scared to do anything. or the animal-crossing-scary-walk-candle.gif. she's potentially one white claw away from making a life-changing decision. you want a reaction... and oh, you're going to get one. because the second little miss priss catches wind of this? it's #joever for saint rivera.

she'll descend from the heavens with the fury of god and a perfectly maintained hair routine. there will be a strongly worded statement. there will be pearl-clutching. there may even be a public execution in the town square. until then, i'm choosing to believe she's innocent. mostly because the alternative is way funnier. #letmeknow, though! godspeed to everyone involved.

#gossip.#abilene.

who do u think the hottest people are on campus ?👀

well, i'm not here to talk about #men so i'll be excluding them! but if we wanna get into the real baddies of saint rivera, here they are (in no particular order): *ahem* cecelia, valeria, josefina, savannah, marigold, casper, lo, maude, clarissa, stella, charity, luciana, lore, blake, eleanor, rowan, emery, marijoy, clementine, abilene, nadia, billy, shelter, eugena, and bear!

you're not about to get me caught up in picking favorites so soon! why don't you tell me who your faves are and i'll see if i agree?

#gossip.#saint rivera.

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