I have never been one to hide or be shy about mental illness and I take it very seriously. Last week, I had what I think would best be characterized as a mental break. With so much stress and anxiety on my mind and in my life, I legitimately didn’t want to be here anymore. I didn’t want to die, and I don’t want to die, but I just didn’t want to be here if that makes any sense at all. Now, let me make this very very clear. I’m not writing this for likes. I’m not writing this as a cry for help, or sympathy from social media “friends” or “family” and I’m really not even writing this for me. I’m writing it because I know there are people out there who have felt or may be feeling that way; as I write this. I’m not going to go too deeply about my situation (that’s what my YouTube channel is for) but I have suffered anxiety and depression for years. I see a psychiatrist 1-2x a month, and I take medication to try and control my anxiety. I do not, however, take depression medicine. I refuse to, as I have in the past and had nothing but horrible side effects and I found that meditation and talking/graphic design/playing games on my phone etc help way better. But what I do want to do is thank a few people, and also apologize as well. When you’re depressed you feel alone, you feel like you’re going on a long journey going in circles, leading you right back to where you started. You could have 200 people standing there right beside you telling you how much they love you and how much you mean to them, and (depending on the severity of your depression) not believe a word they’re saying. Some people truly believe they have nobody at all to confide in, or may feel ashamed to reach out for help (which is more so my situation) but I want you to know, if it wasn’t for me picking up my phone, calling my cousin in Florida, I honestly don’t know what might have happened. It was a chain reaction. The reality of just how bad my depression and anxiety had got spread like wildfire. It got to my Aunt, then to one of my best friends back home, to a few other people, who consistently tried to reach out to me just to make sure I was ok. I first want to thank you guys, from the bottom of my heart because I logically know you guys love me beyond words, and I love you guys as well, but to a mentally ill brain that isn’t as easy to convince or understand/believe in the moment of whatever it was I was going through. I also, almost more than thanking you guys, want to apologize for scaring you. I never in a million years wanted that, I never want anyone to worry about me, or my health, or anything like that. I want to be the one who saves the heroes, not the other way around, so by doing so and reaching out for help the way I did, I have many regrets but also I’m beyond grateful that I was able to put my fears aside and my ego aside and actually admit I was not ok. (I would tag the people I’ll be mentioning but for privacy reasons, I’m not going to be doing that.) If you’re still reading this, WOW - I’m literally rambling I apologize. I just want you guys (everyone, not just those who I reached out to, or who reached out to me) to know that I saw my doctor, we switched some things up and are trying some new methods and medicine to defeat this terrible and terrifying depression in its ass (after all I was built HISTED/MONETTE strong, we may bend but we never break) and although it has only been a few days since all of this happened, I already feel like my mind is in a better place. I’m still depressed and filled with anxiety, but I’m not where I was at that moment and that’s a good thing. I want everyone to know who follows me on here, or any of my social media, whenever and if ever you’re feeling how I felt, please remember these words, and these are words my best friend texted me
That resonated throughout my whole soul when I read that, and it’s true. I felt at that moment my life was over, I’ve failed at so many things, lost so many things, and lost the fight in so many things, but I’ve also won, found, and defeated so many things in my life and it’s not over. I -will- start again, and I will do so starting with being more honest and upfront with how I’m feeling instead of allowing my pride to hold me back from asking for help should I need it. I want you all to know, you’re never alone, no matter what your brain is telling you, you’re not. I can promise you because if you’re reading this, you’re friends with me in one form or another, and I will always be an ear to talk to and a shoulder to cry on. I know how it feels, to feel alone, and I don’t wish that on anyone.
I don't ever do this, but I am raising awareness for the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline because I myself know the struggle it can be to reach out to family or friends in fear or judgment or embarrassment, and this is a form of help that will also always be there and can get you the help you may need. You don't have to donate a penny, just know that they are an option if you feel you've exhausted all other resources.
baratheonpilled
pixelskylines
areudirty
dededos
vaporwave
jacobvanloon
kianamaiart
