The sideblog where I allow myself free-rein to elaborate on the self-projection of my favorite characters due to them having, at minimum, vague neurodivergent coding. These characters include, but are not limited to:
Death The Kid (Soul Eater)
N (Pokémon)
Kinich (Genshin Impact)
Hunter (The Owl House)
Dazai Osamu (Bungo Stray Dogs)
Nikolai Gogol (Bungo Stray Dogs)
Chase (Lab Rats)
The Doctor (Doctor Who)
Five Hargreeves (The Umbrella Academy)
Ryo Asuka (Devilman)
And more!
Additionally, this blog will include lgbtq+ headcanons and queer readings of these characters.
CONTENT WARNING NOW: For mentions of serious mental illnesses (such as antisocial personality disorder, DID, and schizophrenia), mental/learning disabilities (including OCD, ADHD, and Autism), psychological interpretations (not to be confused with official diagnoses) by a non-licensed non-professional, potential inaccuracy (feel free to correct me), mentions of trauma and abuse, queerness and related topics; as well as both personal opinions and personal experience.
Character-specific warnings will be clarified either here or on the post.
Personally, I am transmasc 2e with ADHD (inattentive), and a hyper fixation on psychology, so my interpretations stem from my own experiences. These are not indicative of any other’s lived experiences with anything I may discuss. Please keep this in mind.
(Cw: mentions of a variety of mental health disorders, including trauma disorders, eating disorders, dissociative disorders, personality disorders, mood disorders, and more.)
He has C-PTSD, bipolar, BPD, schizophrenia, narcissism, ASPD, autism, ADHD, ODD, OSDD, insomnia, depression, ARFID, SSD
Obviously this is representative of Luka’s clones. He’s surrounded by himself, he’s only ever been surrounded by himself. He’s already “split” into multiple different people, in a way. The only times he’s been surrounded by anyone that wasn’t him was with Hyuna and Hyun-woo
He’s heavily abused by the segyeins to the point of constant, heavy disassociation. Symptom of being plural number one I supposed. There’s many of him in reality, that probably leads to a fractured sense of self on its own.
I also think it’s interesting how intimately the clones are posed with him here. Endlessly surrounded by himself and no one else, it might tie back to the idea that Luka has been sexually abused. It could also be that he wants to be with his clones, be close to them. And it could be both.
The clones are also inside him in a literal sense of, their organs are probably in there. It’s a common theory that Luka’s clones are used for extra organs in case his fail, which they have.
He wants to he close to his clones, and they’re also him, they’re around him and inside him and touching him.
The clones also look to be different ages. I lowkey feel as if age regression is kinda closely tied to system themes as well. Luka on his own expresses a lot of different feelings that might be contradictory. He disassociates and daydreams and disassociates some more to get through his life. It’s always just him, endlessly, in his own body and outside of it. Just different versions of him.
I just beat ena dream bbq and now im watching my friend play ultrakill my brain is kinda scattered rn, Luka system reading may or may not be real
okay doc *lies down on the therapy couch* tell me about aspd Ivan
(you don’t have to obviously I’m just curious)(love you)
hello valued patient, i will very gladly tell you about aspd ivan. (love you too tysm for the question)
before i start this i just want to add a disclaimer that i do not have aspd. if anyone with aspd says i'm wrong on this definitely believe them before me, this is just a personal headcanon. (i have discussed this with a friend w aspd who agrees with me and im in a similar wheelhouse to aspd, so i have a good amount of knowledge due to that and a lot of research, which is where the headcanon stems from)
okay, so to fully speak about how and why i see ivan with aspd i'm going to also mention the other pd i headcanon ivan with because i want to fully express my perception of him. i personally interpret ivan as having an aspd/npd combination (aspd im more sure of). i see aspd as something ivan was born with a predisposition for (reduced gray matter in the brain, less MAO-A, etc) that got solidified in his very early childhood growing up in the slums and going through the whole 'hung off the top of a building and threatened with death if he didn't make the cut' thing. genetics and trauma, the usual causes. npd is something i imagine him developing later on in life ofc, slowly over time. his chosen survival method being creating a fake persona others admire and his nonexistent self worth & horrible self loathing lead to him developing it (kind of as a subconscious coping mechanism).
okay, with that out of the way, why do i think ivan has aspd?
well. there are a lot of reasons. for one, vivinos and qmeng themselves say that ivan doesn't experience emotions in the same way others do, that he has a 'twisted' personality, he manipulated others to 'play with their feelings', that there was 'something off' about him, etc. while the way these are worded are a little,, derogatory,, it's all very important to ivan's character.
ivan's emotions are muted and dulled compared to others', he literally physically cannot experience them in the same way neurotypicals (in terms of pds) can. from that and other examples in alnst (setting up the wagyein incident w mizi & till, his reaction to his win in r3, his lack of care when it comes to lying & manipulation, etc) it can be pretty safely assumed that ivan doesn't really experience empathy. that's why he learns from other's visible emotions and mirrors them, because he doesn't feel them and instead adopts other people's reactions so he can react/act accordingly/'normally' (specifying here that not having empathy does not mean someone cannot feel sympathy or care about anyone. empathy is being able to feel/pick up on someone else's emotions it does NOT mean someone is uncaring okay thanks moving on).
ivan's tendency to manipulate and lie isn't really explicitly shown much in alnst but the implications are there and very telling imo. before i get into this i want to also specify that 'manipulate' is not the big scary evil word most people think it is and literally everyone does it. to manipulate is to try to have control over a situation, to influence someone/something to get your ideal outcome/get your needs met. many people with cluster b pds learn to manipulate from a young age as a survival mechanism because it is the only way to get the things they need. in ivan's case, his entire fake persona for the aliens and his placations and straight up lying to his peers/teachers/fans etc about his feelings and personality is all manipulation to paint himself in a more favorable light so he has a higher chance of survival. i also wouldn't put it past him to casually manipulate other students at anakt when he was younger so he could learn/observe more things (which was shown with the wagyein incident but i imagine that wasn't the only occasion). i've talked about ivan using subterfuge and disguising his actual intentions behind his odd behaviors which, yk, is manipulation.
when it comes to violence, ivan really doesn't seem to be outwardly violent unless provoked, but when he is he's uncaring about the pain he's causing the other (till lmao) and more focused on what he gets out of the exchange (till's attention & expressions and, imo, a physical stress release). i wasn't sure i was going to bring it up bc i wasn't going to get into the whole pwaspd are violent thing (i dont think it's true for everyone. thoughts and urges are different than actions) but i wanted to talk about ivan's lack of awareness when it comes to it. he impulsively fights back, doesn't pull his punches, and revels in it.
there's also his apparent lack of remorse for his actions (stepping on the flower crown, fighting till, leading mizi and till into danger, all that) and impulsivity when he's not masking (though i consider ivan to be a more calculating individual, a lot of his interactions with till show him doing things impulsively). his difficulty in forming intimate emotional connections with others, his lack of self worth and general lack of care for his own wellbeing, his fatalistic world view.
all of these are symptoms of aspd. im not going to pull out the dsm-5 (ew) because i hate the way it words things (love stigma against mentally ill folks), but all of the things i talked about go along with aspd, which is why i personally think ivan has it. a genetic predisposition, a fuckton of trauma in early childhood (qmeng refers to his time in the slums as a 'dark past') and onward through anakt and beyond, and his lack of emotional understanding. all of it lends itself to aspd. i think this adds a whole new level of understanding to ivan and his reasons for things and just. why he is the way he is. and figuring this out for myself made me love ivan all the more. all of the alnst characters are just traumatized kids who never learned how to live and be human and ivan having an even different baseline than most others put him even more at a disadvantage.
i just want to, like. give this guy therapy or at least make sure he knows that it’s not his fault that his mind works the way it does and there’s nothing wrong with it. and with that, i shall end it here LMAO. tysm rock for the ask ik i asked if you were okay with an essay but this is longer than i anticipated skxjsn i hope you liked it!! and if anyone has any other questions about aspd or npd ivan lmk personality disorders are one of my special interests i love talking about this stuff ajxnsn
ivan also does the cluster b personality disorder 'making assumptions from hyperanalysis and treating them as fact without communicating.' to him, it is a truth of the world that till does not love or care for him. all of his actions around till are based on this truth that he never actually communicates with till about, just assumes.
the difference between this (& related assumptions ivan makes) and more typical assumptions is that, in ivan's mind, there is no doubt that he's right. they are complete fact to him and even if he was proven wrong (eg till telling him he cares about him or showing his care in little ways), i don't think he'd believe it. in the same way he seems to think the quiet companionship he shares with till means nothing about the way till sees him, he ignores anything that might poke holes in what he sees as a set in stone truth. (because it's easier to navigate people & feelings if there's a set way to go about things. going about a situation blindly is dangerous)
Reading fanfics where Odasaku gives advice to Dazai always feels off to me bc Oda is just straight up the most autistic character in BSD and yknow what, I think maybe just as (if not more than) Ranpo. Thats right, I said it! Hes like Todoroki and takes everything said at face value, wholeheartedly believes whatever Dazai says, and also generally isnt a talkative guy. Frankly, hes not done much in his life to give him any profound wisdom to give to Dazai, beyond what he tells him as he dies.
So, i guess I just dont really buy that Oda has advice to give Dazai. Because lets say Dazai seems off so Oda asks him if hes okay. Dazai would likely say Im Fine, and Oda would just accept that, unless he was bleeding out or something maybe. And if Dazai says hes terribly wounded? Oda would ask if hes going to the hospital. Idk just that guy is so fcking autistic and I adore him
As many of you already know I’m in a crusade against bad translations. I see this panel going around very often but the translation makes me cringe so bad everytime. I'm sure many people are already aware of the mistranslation but I have never seen it explained anywhere so I decided to do it myself.
Disclaimer, English is not my native language.
Let’s start from the previous panel, because ✨context✨ The order is Japanese -- the fan translation I found -- and the official translation.
I will write down the literal, weird, almost word for word translation for comparison purposes:
判った 答える 答えるから近くに寄らないでくれる？連れだって歩いてると思われたくない
Understood I’ll answer. I’ll answer so, could you not come any closer? I don’t want it to look like we are walking together (I don’t want it be thought we are walking together)
はっ 心配すんな 俺もおもわれたくねえから
Ha, don’t worry. Because I don’t want it either (I also don’t want it be thought)
うふふ 気が合うねえ
ufufu ki ga au nee
Ok first explanation needed. First, the Japanese definition of ki ga au
気が合う -- 考え方や感じ方が通じ合う (kangaekata ya kanjikata ga tsuujiau)
way of thinking and feeling mutually understood.
"Ki" means mind, spirit, "au" means to meet. The English definition in many dictionaries and google is “to get along” and that’s what the fan translation uses (friendly reminder to ALWAYS use a monolingual dictionary once you reach a level high enough), but the "so well" comes from nowhere. The official translation uses "to see eye to eye". IMO it's more accurate in this context than to get along. But the “glad” also comes from nowhere.
Anyway, now you get the feeling of what it means. I think it's more like Dazai commenting how Chuuya shares with him the same feelings about the situation.
“fufu you agree, I see…”
そんな君が大好きだよ
sonna kimi ga daisuki dayo
And we got to the important part.
We have "sonna" that means “such”, “that kind of”. It's a spoken synonym of "sou iu" ("such, like that, that sort of"). As a pre-nominal adjective that goes with kimi, "sonna kimi" it means that you. It has a nuance of surprise when used in sentences like this.
And then "daisukidayo" that of course means I like so much, I love.
What does he loves? "sonna kimi", that is, a specific Chuuya, the Chuuya who is of the same mind that he is about not wanting people to think they were walking together. Or maybe simply the Chuuya that agrees with him, generally speaking.
In both translations the concept is all wrong. It’s presented as if loving Chuuya was the fact and Dazai was explaining the why. But in Japanese, Dazai is singling out the kind of Chuuya he likes/loves if you wish.
Now ask yourselves why specially the official translation chooses to make up the dialogue like that. I'm sure the translators knew enough Japanese to understand it correctly and I don't think it's a matter of cultural adaptation because it never justifies chaging the meaning. The correct answer is fanservice, sales and money 😭
If I had to translate it, I would say “oh I love/like so much that Chuuya!”.
It’s VERY in character for Dazai to say that. And the protest that follows is VERY in character for Chuuya.
うわ……やめろ！気色悪くて死ぬ！
Uwaa… stop it! It’s so disgusting I am going to die!
僕もだ
Me too.
Yes, Dazai sounds crestfallen.
This is getting too long, so my personal non-grammatical opinions under the cut
I have two, even three theories.
First case, Dazai was honest when he said that.
But he didn't register that's not something you go saying around like that, and he was hit with Chuuya's reaction. Because Chuuya had lived with other kids, so he understood social interactions. But Dazai didn't understand.
I've seen infinite analysis about Dazai and ND, mentall illnesses but not even one analyze this scene. So what if he really loved when Chuuya agreed with him, expressed it without any filters and recoiled when he was met with Chuuya's reaction and realized "that was not a normal thing to do". Remember the scene when he shoots the dead soldier? He seemed to be taking notes of what is and isn't normal. This option breaks my heart.
The criticism would be that what Dazai says doesn't sound so honest. This theory would fit better with the English translations but in Japanese he's very clearly informing Chuuya of the kind of Chuuya he likes, which is a twisted thing to say in any language. So maybe Chuuya's reaction is a response to both the nasty observation and the words chosen.
Second option, Dazai knew what he was doing
He used daisuki to provoke Chuuya, to mess with him and make him angry.
That's something 22!Dazai would do easily but I don't know if 15!Dazai was already so good at it. Anyway in this case the surprise would come from the genuine disgust in Chuuya's reaction instead of the expected anger. Chuuya is Chuuya, and he is immune to Dazai's manipulation schemes, except Dazai didn't know it yet. Also once he said it, daisuki was so cringe (and he was 15 😂). Absolutely in character for both of them.
Third option. Dazai said he wanted to make Chuuya his dog.
Dazai was a very messed up kid at that point. The first thing he thinks when he meets another (very powerful) boy his age is to dominate him and make him obbey his orders as his dog. The way he says that to Chuuya can sound very domineering, oh you agree, that's the Chuuya I love. That's a good boy 🐕. And then he felt down when Chuuya rejected that praise with disgust. In the manga it really looks like this option, with a very close and pushing Dazai and an uncomfortable looking Chuuya. I hate that vibe.
Or... possibly it's a bit of all three because after all, nobody knows what's in Dazai's mind 😌
Also I actually read No Longer Human. Was kinda debating it, but I happened across it in store and it looked pretty short so I said fuck it.
CW: Dehumanization/Depersonalization, discussions of depression/Major Depressive Disorder, brief mention of Suicide in regard to prevention programs, mention of childhood trauma/implied CSA, struggles stemming from undiagnosed neurodivergence as well as ADHD specifically
Its good! Short. I kept thinking about how, in our internet age, people are so interconnected. Its almost impossible not to be, on some level. And how throughout middle and high school, there was such an emphasis on mental health awareness, and how I heard the phrase "You are not alone" so many times that the sentence itself almost made me more depressed. I kept thinking that if its true, if there are so many others out there who feel just like I do if not worse, then doesnt that mean its kinda hopeless? Because it would mean theres no real cure, no permanent solution to anguish I and all these others are feeling. "You are not alone" felt like an admission of failure, when said to someone with major depression.
Its true, though. At least theres that.
And reading the notebooks of Oba Yozo, I wondered about time and circumstance. There was no internet, or mental health psa's, or suicide prevention programs, or anything. And I knew that going in, but Yozo's suffering is so intensely linked specifically to his feelings of alienation. His depression is borne from the inherent sense of "different" that comes from being neurodivergent (because yes I do read Yozo as being some degree of neurodivergent), isolation both self-imposed and not (probably in link to his "difference"), as well as severe childhood trauma that only exacerbated these issues.
There were no options for him to ask about or acknowledge his feelings as a child, due to his upbringing and the time period. Barriers he was unable to cross, not because he was something-other than these human beings as he believes is the case, but because he lived in a time and place that simply lacked information and connection. He had no way of finding fellowship in his experience. Frankly, Yozo's class upbringing might've caused him to be overlooked even if he was living in our modern era, anyway.
In middle and high school, I had depression. I had undiagnosed ADHD for most of my school life, and I couldnt understand how I felt I was so smart, yet was unable to comprehend my classmates, or complete my schoolwork. I was a pessimist, and disillusioned, and and I hated that everyone around me was so illogical.
I wonder if it might have actually been easier for me if I considered myself fundamentally separate from everyone. If I thought myself to be something straight up different, just an orange in the midst of apples. Id have something concrete to point at and say, "This is why! This is the reason I'm not getting what everyone else seems to! I'm not doing something wrong, it's just that I'm not created that way!" If I decided I must be inhuman, it would've lifted the weight of behaving like them off my shoulders.
Unfortunately, I suppose its the opposite for Yozo. He felt he was unable to assimilate into human society as expected of him, thereby disqualifying him from being considered human at all. Being non-human becomes the weight for him, constantly burdened by his failure to understand and act like society expects him to. I believe this is also why his recalibration of "society" as "individuals" helps him to deal with interaction better (as he explains himself) (no im not going to cite the pages go read the book yourself this isnt lit. class).
If Yozo had the opportunity to meet others who feel like he does, think like he thinks, fear like he fears, and experienced trauma like his; perhaps he might have been able to be happy. It was just impossible at the time.
Side note cause I didnt know where to put this: Oba Yozo is masking, and No Longer Human is the internal side of that.
Because I am trash and it took me all of three episodes to be 1000% convinced that they’re both autistic. And now I’ve watched this show straight through three times (plus bits and pieces like eight full episodes of a fourth run for Research!) and I want to ramble about it.
Under the cut: a look at canonical evidence for autistic Keith and autistic Pidge, plus a few of my own headcanons.
Minor spoilers, mostly for the first four episodes.
You might be more than one. You might be different ones at different times. 🫶🏽🫶🏽 you might not be one of these. There are more roles 💪🏽 but this is an amazing intro.
You can’t just like the idea and envision yourself in one of these roles you have to figure out how to be about it ♥️🫶🏽
Via @deiloh & @fablefulart
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