think of me

❛ becoming a sorcerer's apprentice is dangerous business. ❜ (From Art)

"You're not going to sway me, Art. I want to learn from you."

"It's time to test out a little theory of mine. If you... came back, different. When I escaped the jungles of Jumanji, that's when I first felt it. A strange buzz. Not a coke-buzz, but a magical buzz. Did you feel it when you returned? Something magic, something new."

#Art #I was gonna say dad fuckers so urs are better

"I've certainly felt... something." Mom pauses to think about the question. She wasn't sure what it was. But it was different.

❛ becoming a sorcerer's apprentice is dangerous business. ❜ (From Art)

"You're not going to sway me, Art. I want to learn from you."

#Art #dynamic duo back again

"Junior is an actor, a boy band member, a REPORTER, he goes to school!! someone let this kid just take a nap!! get some rest asparagus child, you can’t just keep burning the candles at both ends!!!" (From Scooter bc I forgot I had his blog???)

"Do you think I haven't tried?" Mom groaned, exasperated. "He doesn't listen to me! He's a loose canon!"

"Aye, ye ever heard of the Scared Straight program?" Scooter asked. "Ye frame him for a crime, say... murder. And ye get him arrested. The lad'll settle down once he's behind bars. And all yer problems'll be solved lickety-split."

"Oh, no. I don't know if I could do that to my boy." She paused. "Have you ever been?"

“Framed for a murder and arrested? Well, you know that Weird Prince…?”

He stopped. No, it wasn’t time to talk about that yet. He still hadn’t figured out who really was responsible.

“He’d thank y’for it. Probably’d get a cool tattoo in prison. Join a gang.”

Mom lowered her voice. "What about the weird Prince?" Her curiosity would kill her, plus, she didn't dare think about her son in prison any more than she already had.

“A while back,” Scooter said in a hushed voice, “the weird Prince was murdered. Everyone claimed to have done it, so no leads were possible to narrow down. I hadn’t been around then. No. I came back after. I found I had been replaced by an onion with a badge. A cop who existed, who suddenly then had not. Nobody remembered him. All traces vanished. But I found his board. The evidence. It traced back… to me. But it cannae have been. I’d been gone. Swallowed by the darkness. And because I wasnae an asparagus, nobody even looked for me. Aye, nobody remembered the Onion, but they saw the crimes linked to me. I was arrested. But then no other cops applied for m’job, so… they let me go. We have a terrible prison system here.”

#scooterthescottishcarrot

Mom listened intently. "Yes... yes, I think I remember hearing about him now." She took a moment. "What was it like? The darkness."

"Dad Asparagus looks like an orphan in a production of Oliver! but damn it he looks good in that hat." from mom

Art Bigotti nodded slowly and affirmatively. "So you think we should cast him in our joint project production of Oliver! as an Orphan? I was thinking one of the adult roles, but... you're right. The hat works."

"Well, it might be good to have him help... you know, keep the kids in check during the production. It'd be easier to do that if he played a kid, right?"

“You’re right. It would be too on the nose to cast him as one of the adult characters whose role is literally to keep the kids in line. It’s visionary. You’re a visionary. I’m so glad we went in on this project together, Mom Asparagus. I’m really learning a lot about you. Have you had a lot of experience with stagework?”

"Oh, Art, I was just thinking the same thing! I know (think) we've had our differences in the past but our equally burning passion for Oliver! has really brought us together." Mom paused for a moment. "Not really, actually. I just, you know, when I was away I thought about all the things I never got to do. Directing a musical, specifically this musical, was very high on my list."

“I’m proud of you! I know how that is. You disappear, life feels like it’s over before it began… and then, suddenly, you get your life back. It’s almost like a second chance. You have to live for every moment!” He said with a grin, and then added, “Speaking of high, do you want some cocaine? It’s really helping me lock in right now on the musical and not the trauma of being another statistic in the Asparagus community,”

#I fear this is frying me #art bigotti

Mom smiled gently at his words. "Yes, I suppose you can relate. What with Jumanji and all that. It's nice to have someone who understands." Pausing, Mom nods. "What the hell, sure. What's a little line between friends?"

"Junior is an actor, a boy band member, a REPORTER, he goes to school!! someone let this kid just take a nap!! get some rest asparagus child, you can’t just keep burning the candles at both ends!!!" (From Scooter bc I forgot I had his blog???)

"Do you think I haven't tried?" Mom groaned, exasperated. "He doesn't listen to me! He's a loose canon!"

"Aye, ye ever heard of the Scared Straight program?" Scooter asked. "Ye frame him for a crime, say... murder. And ye get him arrested. The lad'll settle down once he's behind bars. And all yer problems'll be solved lickety-split."

"Oh, no. I don't know if I could do that to my boy." She paused. "Have you ever been?"

“Framed for a murder and arrested? Well, you know that Weird Prince…?”

He stopped. No, it wasn’t time to talk about that yet. He still hadn’t figured out who really was responsible.

“He’d thank y’for it. Probably’d get a cool tattoo in prison. Join a gang.”

#scootertheScottishcarrot

Mom lowered her voice. "What about the weird Prince?" Her curiosity would kill her, plus, she didn't dare think about her son in prison any more than she already had.

"Dad Asparagus looks like an orphan in a production of Oliver! but damn it he looks good in that hat." from mom

Art Bigotti nodded slowly and affirmatively. "So you think we should cast him in our joint project production of Oliver! as an Orphan? I was thinking one of the adult roles, but... you're right. The hat works."

"Well, it might be good to have him help... you know, keep the kids in check during the production. It'd be easier to do that if he played a kid, right?"

“You’re right. It would be too on the nose to cast him as one of the adult characters whose role is literally to keep the kids in line. It’s visionary. You’re a visionary. I’m so glad we went in on this project together, Mom Asparagus. I’m really learning a lot about you. Have you had a lot of experience with stagework?”

"Oh, Art, I was just thinking the same thing! I know (think) we've had our differences in the past but our equally burning passion for Oliver! has really brought us together." Mom paused for a moment. "Not really, actually. I just, you know, when I was away I thought about all the things I never got to do. Directing a musical, specifically this musical, was very high on my list."

#art bigotti

"Junior is an actor, a boy band member, a REPORTER, he goes to school!! someone let this kid just take a nap!! get some rest asparagus child, you can’t just keep burning the candles at both ends!!!" (From Scooter bc I forgot I had his blog???)

"Do you think I haven't tried?" Mom groaned, exasperated. "He doesn't listen to me! He's a loose canon!"

"Aye, ye ever heard of the Scared Straight program?" Scooter asked. "Ye frame him for a crime, say... murder. And ye get him arrested. The lad'll settle down once he's behind bars. And all yer problems'll be solved lickety-split."

"Oh, no. I don't know if I could do that to my boy." She paused. "Have you ever been?"

#scooter

"Dad Asparagus looks like an orphan in a production of Oliver! but damn it he looks good in that hat." from mom

Art Bigotti nodded slowly and affirmatively. "So you think we should cast him in our joint project production of Oliver! as an Orphan? I was thinking one of the adult roles, but... you're right. The hat works."

"Well, it might be good to have him help... you know, keep the kids in check during the production. It'd be easier to do that if he played a kid, right?"

#art-bigotti

"Junior is an actor, a boy band member, a REPORTER, he goes to school!! someone let this kid just take a nap!! get some rest asparagus child, you can’t just keep burning the candles at both ends!!!" (From Scooter bc I forgot I had his blog???)

"Do you think I haven't tried?" Mom groaned, exasperated. "He doesn't listen to me! He's a loose canon!"

#scooter

tell me who else knows. right now. (From mom)

"Uh..." Art looked at her, knowing this confrontation could be about so many things. His unrequited crush on Dad Asparagus, the Jumanji Murder-thing, her going Missing but having nothing to do with Jumanji to his knowledge...

"Well, uh... I think... uh, I think maybe... Bob? The Tomato, not the Cucumber. And uh... Qwerty, I guess? You could... ask them?" He suggested uncomfortably.

“Good. You shouldn’t be running to tell people that information. Keep it close to your vegetable chest.”

divorced-loveyasparagus

And some things you just can’t speak about (from Mom)

The "Divorced" Asparagus looked sympathetically at the Still-Wedded Asparagus. How different but alike they were, and yet, was this their first interaction? "I've always been very open about most things I've gone through, but... there are always those bits you just... can't admit even to yourself, isn't there? If you speak them out loud, they become real, and... if they're real, there's so much more to unpack, isn't there?" She smiled with understanding and sadness, and softly said, "It's just not safe for asparagi out there, is it? And people say redheads and tomatoes are the ones who are oppressed. Sure, microaggressions are bad, but it's the asparagi who go missing, and who really cares? Life goes on for everyone who isn't one."

Mom Asparagus nodded in both a sense of empathy and a sense of worry. "It just becomes so much more real when it's spoken aloud, you know?" She hung her slender Asparagus head slightly. "You're absolutely right, Lovey. Nobody gives a flying fuck about asparagus'. Especially those of the female variety."

#divorced loveyasparagus

psst. psst. psst. (any chewie muse, you pick)

Goliath wondered what Mom Asparagus could be doing, trying to get his attention. He leaned down to her height and went, "yes? yes? yes?" quietly.

"Got any secrets?"

Goliath sagged lower with disappointment. "Oh. I thought you were sharing some with me. I did hear that Pepperazzi guy snapped some photos of that Joetato Jonas guy, in some... compromising positions. Did you know celebrities grocery shop? They're just like us!"

He added, "Aren't you the lady who died and got shot while drowning or something? Or was kidnapped? I heard a lot of stories. What really happened to you? Are you okay?"

Mom takes pause. So does Chewie. Neither of them can quite remember Mom's lore. "I... yes. To the kidnapping. It was.. you know, not the best time I've ever had. But now I'm in vegetable therapy - you know, like regular therapy, but for vegetables? Anyways, I'm doing much better."

Goliath nods slowly, listening intently, hiding his disappointment that she didn’t remember.

“Yeah, the only kidnapping I ever hear people enjoying is like, surprise fun trips from friends. And even then that’s not really, like, fun. But before you were kidnapped you were also apparently in a pretty dark place. I never really spoke to you much, but I heard a lot about it. I’m glad you’re doing better. Do you think you’ll ever want to know? Go back to where it happened and solve your own kidnapping? We do have a singular cop in town now. He’s no Onion with a Badge, but that other Scottish guy, the Carrot? He’s not bad. Not interested in investigating that little brat who ran over my best friend’s parents in a Hot Topic, but otherwise pretty good. I mean like? ACAB, you know? All Carrots are Bastards?”

"It's one of those things, if you don't mind me saying so, I prefer to... not talk about." She tries to explain as both she and I (Chewie) remembered what happened to her.

#goliaththegiantpickle

psst. psst. psst. (any chewie muse, you pick)

Goliath wondered what Mom Asparagus could be doing, trying to get his attention. He leaned down to her height and went, "yes? yes? yes?" quietly.

"Got any secrets?"

Goliath sagged lower with disappointment. "Oh. I thought you were sharing some with me. I did hear that Pepperazzi guy snapped some photos of that Joetato Jonas guy, in some... compromising positions. Did you know celebrities grocery shop? They're just like us!"

He added, "Aren't you the lady who died and got shot while drowning or something? Or was kidnapped? I heard a lot of stories. What really happened to you? Are you okay?"

Mom takes pause. So does Chewie. Neither of them can quite remember Mom's lore. "I... yes. To the kidnapping. It was.. you know, not the best time I've ever had. But now I'm in vegetable therapy - you know, like regular therapy, but for vegetables? Anyways, I'm doing much better."

#goliaththegiantpickle

psst. psst. psst. (any chewie muse, you pick)

Goliath wondered what Mom Asparagus could be doing, trying to get his attention. He leaned down to her height and went, "yes? yes? yes?" quietly.

theoneandonlydadasparagus

"Got any secrets?"

#goliaththegiantpickle

"Why are you walking? You were in a coma!" (From... Peter Pepperazzi, why not?)

“I… don’t think I was in a coma. A lot of other things happened. But I don’t think a coma was one of them.”

"I think the tree needs more decorations." (From mom)

Dad looked at the tree, pensively. "You're definitely right...I'm just not sure what theme we ought to go with."

theoneandonlydadasparagus

“I suppose I just don’t know why we need a theme.” Mom shrugged her non existent shoulders. “Isn’t baby Jesus enough?”

"True, dear, but a Christmas tree full of baby Jesus ornaments would look a little creepy. Maybe....stars?"