The one who cant say no

First time blogger. Something that I've wanted to do for a while now. Just a place to express my thoughts on....

[theonewhocantsayno]

Ironic

Ironic how I have more freedom in a relatively sheltered country than I ever did in a Western one. 

[theonewhocantsayno]

Going about this wrong most likely..

It's been a couple of months now and I'm pretty sure that I'm over things, it just doesn't seem to bother me anymore. Now I'm left with all this time inside my own head and I'm not sure what to fill it with exactly. It feels like there's something missing or maybe I'm trying to fill that empty space with anything.....the wrong things. I guess because there's no one that I really feel like I can fully connect with so I'm forcing myself to connect with those that aren't the same as me. We're worlds apart in the way that we think and do things but it's hard to make the feeling go away. What I'm doing is probably wrong and I won't get anything out of it but what else can I do? People that I've never really gotten to know are starting to surprise me now a little bit though. Maybe I'm just going about this all wrong, lets take a step back and think for a second....might lead to my downfall though since we all do that way too often. 

[theonewhocantsayno]

Killing what's inside with words

So recently I saw a post on facebook that sparked anger within me. The type of post that was made to belittle individuals if they did not meet the same standards as yours thus insinuating that they are below you. People like that need to get off of their high horses and realize that just because something unexpected happened to someone which led them to perhaps not performing as well as they could in life does NOT mean that they don't deserve respect or that they should be criticized because of it! Everyone has their own stories and their own reasons and just because they choose not to share those reasons with you does not give you the right to go ahead and assume. These people need to understand that they have been fortunate enough to bypass hardships in life while those they claim as being, 'below them', haven't. Said people make me pity the society that we live in because judgments, labels, assumptions and rumors can literally destroy all sense of an individual's self-esteem, self-confidence and simply the way they look at their own lives. It's sad to see people being targeted because others don't understand nor do they take the time to do so and what makes me sick is that some encourage this sort of behavior and deem it as being acceptable. 

[theonewhocantsayno]

[theonewhocantsayno]

.....

SUCH UTTER DISGUST! ALL I WANT TO YELL IS FUCK YOU OVER AND OVER AGAIN 

[theonewhocantsayno]

Shits and Giggles

I'm still trying to figure out what changed all of a sudden? Why the sudden interest? It makes me feel suspicious and then I feel terrible because you're being so incredibly sweet to me. You're treating me the way every girl wants to be treated....essentially like a princess, as much as I may hate to admit it. 

I find myself smiling whenever I'm around you and it doesn't feel right when you're not there. When you leave even if it's just for a moment, I can't help but miss you. Your smile and eyes...I could stare at them forever and get lost in them. All you have to do is put your arm around me and all is forgotten and forgiven. When you touch me....my heart never ceases to skip a beat, When you do cute things and leave cute notes for me....those literally make my day. Everything is utter bliss....I can't help but worry that it's going to end all too soon..

Keep this up and you'll have me falling head over heals for you....

[theonewhocantsayno]

Is the inner turmoil worth the momentary happiness?

My question is, is it worth it? I know I was happy in the moment and before anything I knew full-well what the consequences would be. I knew the feelings I would experience but I still went with it and now I'm stuck feeling like this. Everything said to me seems like empty words without any meaning or emotion behind them. You said all those sweet things because I gave you what you wanted and now you can't even say a word to me because there's nothing left to say....

A moment of pleasure, a moment of happiness but the aftermath of it all isn't worth it. Not the tears, anger, guilt or empty feeling left behind....none of it is worth it. 

[theonewhocantsayno]

If that's how you feel then don't give up on it

I don't understand when people feel so strongly about something and can just give up on it just because they've become tired of trying. It would make sense if they genuinely didn't care that much about it but when you're as hurt, affected and strongly drawn to this one thing then why give up fighting for it when it's really everything you want? It could potentially be something that changes your life in the most wonderful way imaginable....is that not something worth taking a chance for? 

It may hurt me to tell you to chase after the girl of your dreams but all I want is to see you smile. 

[theonewhocantsayno]

Certain things..

There are certain things that I will never understand and when I can't do anything about them, that's what frustrates me. It's people who have closed minds and who can't see anything beyond their own petty ways that seem to stir such unrest and fuel such anger within me. To see something from someone else's point of view for once in your life is NOT going to kill those insolent people who lack the ability to think anything other than what's their own. People like that utterly disgust me..

[theonewhocantsayno]

That shitty feeling when....

....you know you've been used. Your emotions have been compromised and you don't know which one of you was more stupid,... 

You asked if we were good, I walked away. So why do I wonder now if I made the right decision? I know I did, it seems logical for me to do what I did but why is it that I'm left feeling like this? One person should never have that much say in one's life....it's a dangerous game and I was playing with fire....every time I got burned it just seemed to elevate my desire but it shouldn't have.

And what am I left with now? Unwanted feelings and a broken heart that I can't even share with anyone....

Going around and keeping a smile on my face, making sure that on the outside I'm ok so people don't ask questions because my story is quite a stupid one but on the inside it's killing me softly and there's nothing that will fix it....how much longer do I have to feel like this? I've tried everything....

[theonewhocantsayno]

I feel like somebody dropped a ton of bricks on my stomach. I can't eat, I can't sleep and it hurts me so deep....

[ninjas-in-a-box]

Waiting for the impossible..

It’s not that I don’t like people, it’s just that I don’t think it’s possible that I could ever have anyone that meaningful in this lifetime. I mean I can love people and things and all sorts of nonsense but like, marriage love? Soul binding love? Eternity love? Someone who I become so close to they become a part of who i am? Someone who I could not do without?  I don’t think I could ever do that. 

[theonewhocantsayno]

Not sure how I feel about all of this..A part of me is waiting for you but at the same time I know that that's never going to happen..fuck it

[theonewhocantsayno]

I felt it....

After such a long time, I finally got to see you.... not how I imagined it would be. I felt it when we hugged.... it was like you didn't want to touch me I felt it when we spoke.... it was as if you had nothing to say to me I felt it when you sat as far away from me as possible Empty promises..That's all they were and I knew that but you made me think otherwise. Said I should trust, knew that I shouldn't but you still convinced me. Told me that you missed me.. perhaps you did at the time but not anymore....I felt it. You knew that I would hold you to it, I knew that you wouldn't remember but I still did and you proved my initial thoughts to be correct. I felt I shouldn't do it but I still did. The worst and most painful of all....I felt it when I looked into your eyes and saw no emotions there for me anymore....I felt it and it hurt.

[theonewhocantsayno]

Travelling?

OK so currently I’m seriously jacked up on coffee and stuck in the airport waiting for my flight out of here. It’s going to be one hell of a long day….back to life again later on.

My song right now seems to be Tonight by John Legend (Somo’s version)….a slight addiction of mine.

Something about travelling that always gets me thinking..hah I think my deepest thoughts come out during moments like these. Waiting was never my strong point and waiting for you seems to be getting harder and harder and I have a feeling that it’s going to get to the point where it’s going to be next to impossible. Why is it that you made such an impact in my life? I don’t know what I’m doing…I want to be stuck in the fast track but time seems to be going too slowly. I’m getting impatient and frustrated. I just want to hug you. 

[theonewhocantsayno]

Well..the feelings came back again and much sooner than I thought they would..

When you see something or hear something or even smell something it just triggers those memories that made you feel a certain way after a really long time..the kind of memories that still put a smile on your face even though they put tears in your eyes..I guess those feelings never fully go away. They leave behind a sense of sadness and emptiness that you just can't figure out how to fill. 

When you see that person your heart still skips a beat every single time and you just can't control it....no matter how hard you try. That person's smile makes you feel like nothing could ever go wrong just for those couple of seconds. When you're having a bad day and the minute you hear their voice it's as if nothing else matters. They don't even have to say anything reassuring, just knowing they're there and hearing them is enough for you. I miss those moments where a simple touch could literally mean everything whether it be a light kiss, a hug or simply just holding hands. Those conversations, that mentality, moments of intimacy....complete and utter bliss. Sometimes I wish I could go back..

I'm still trying to move forward..

Bottom line, I miss you

[theonewhocantsayno]

Well I knew this was going to happen but I guess a little part of me wished that it wouldn't.... oh well, some things are just out of our control I guess. Why do people do that? Those moments when nothing happens and one person just becomes someone else over night and then becomes someone else again a couple of days later! The word, consistency, is used too loosely in my opinion. Seriously just stop with all the mood swings!