heya. it’s been a while.
i’m not even sure if any of my followers are still active here. but still, i just want to vent out and write some things that’s been in and out of my mind for so long. can’t vent out on facebook because, ironically, posting there is too ‘public’ for people you know irl. can’t vent out on twitter because... it’s twitter. hence, i’m here, the place where i got lost for hours looking at and reblogging stuff (if that’s even the term used these days). i’ll try and make this short. keyword: ‘try’
i’ve been on a slump for about a year now. (it may be longer than that and i’ve only started to realize it.) it’s like i have no idea what to do with my life. i mean, yeah, i have a job that pays the bills and then some, but other than that.. i don’t know anymore. and because of that, i’m scared for myself.
don’t get me wrong, having my job is actually okay. i mean, not everyone gets to work with one of their best mates since high school, right? but outside of work, i’m not really sure what i am. sure, i have a circle of friends i’ve known since i was 14 and it’s not like people don’t know me, the real me. some people i generally like in fact do know me. but, that’s it. i feel that they only know me because i exist and all i do is exist.
i’m not going to say i’m unhappy with my life because i don’t think i am. maybe it’s just that for the longest time i’ve been feeling empty. to be honest, i believe that i’m happiest that i can be with my life. but is it still being happy when you start doubting that you are indeed happy? because it terrifies me that i don’t know if i’m missing something or maybe my life is just to simply exist.
i’m not even sure if ‘me’ not having a companion my whole life has anything to do with it. i mean, i get by just fine. like, i’ve always been the third or fifth wheel whenever i hang out with my friends and i’ve always been okay with that.
what i’m afraid of is that, what if it starts not being okay? what if i start to drift away from what i believe is ‘okay’ and live a life that requires me to do more than exist? what if doing that just screws my life over? honestly, i’m not sure if i’d have anything more to give with all these feelings of emptiness inside me.
