The Positive Turtle

posting my writing and photographs follow for the madness 

[thepositiveturtleblog]

I don’t usually get to a point where I feel I need to write down my thoughts very often, but I think it might help someone eventually. You shouldn’t need to pep-talk yourself every day to get out of bed and go to work. You should enjoy going to your job because you spend a generous amount of your life working. You should be happy. Burnout is ok, but it shouldn’t emotionally drain you to the point of you crying most nights. You shouldn’t have to ‘prove’ that you’re worthy of your place. I understand working through the ranks, but when you’re trying your hardest, for someone to have the audacity to ask for more is diabolical. I hate fake people; I hate people who pretend like they’re there for you after they realise how horrible they’ve been to you. I think it says a lot about how they feel if they feel sad when you leave, because they know they did something wrong. It’s ok to not have it figured out, but you shouldn’t have to endure mental torture because one person doesn’t believe in you.

I sometimes find it hard to accept that I tried my best, even though I really wasn’t in the best place mentally or physically. I think this year has taught me a lot about how much I’m willing to endure before I choose myself. I genuinely think if I stayed on that course, I wouldn’t be here. It was really messing with me psychologically, and I wasn’t doing ok. It felt like I was in a battle with so many people, and no matter what I was doing, I couldn’t win. I felt so worthless and incapable of teaching, despite people saying I was good; at times, it felt like that wasn’t true…

I haven’t really had the time to process how I actually feel because I’m trying so hard to keep it all together. It sucks to admit that I’m not ok after so many years of pretending like I am. It's difficult to look at myself and not think about how much I hate myself for leaving. I know it’s the right choice, but I hate how much pain and stress I’ve endured for only ‘experience’ and I don’t get the qualification because I was deemed unworthy and it was like I had a big red target on my back signalling all of my weaknesses and in turn receiving no help at all. It's so hard to function normally and pretend like I am because I know I’m not.

Maybe getting a diagnosis might’ve helped, but I shouldn’t need this huge sign for someone to help. I shouldn’t need to do this for someone to give me a break. I think it's common decency to see someone struggling and offer them a helping hand. I really hate academic places because of this. Why do they feel the need to make me feel stupid? It honestly is horrible, and I don’t think I could ever go back to university after this horrible experience. I want to go home, not because I give up, but because I need a support system, because this year has been hell. Not only have I had the academic stress, but I have also had horrible housemates again who are making my life hell too. I just need a whole reset because I don’t know what I want to do anymore. I’m so sick of failing. I want to just press the reset button for a while because I am so exhausted. I’ve worked so hard. I’ve never left education until now, and I am exhausted to say the least. I have no clue what I want to be or do; all I know is that I think the concept of academic learning has been ruined for me.

I’ll let you know what happens. One exhausted academic burnout.

[thepositiveturtleblog]

Sometimes I wonder if I'm on the right path, and I hate that I don't know if this is the right thing for me, because if it were, wouldn't it be a whole lot easier?

No matter how hard I'm trying recently, it feels as though I can't do anything right. I also despise being told that someone isn't convinced that I truly want something I have been working my ass off for. I feel as though I'm not given the time of day as much as I would like, given how hard I try.

It's hard to explain how I am feeling because I don't really have anyone to relate to.

[important-cat-pics]

[thepositiveturtleblog]

Oh boy, don't I have news for you. Sorry, I've been MIA. I genuinely haven't had time to think, let alone comprehend what I need. I'm stressed and overwhelmed, and I honestly need to get through the next 4 weeks!! Then I get two weeks to chill, sort of, without the pressure of more being set to play catch-up and complete everything. I feel so awful and silly, and I know I'm not, but when you're around people who've got a persona that they're perfect, it's hard not to feel crap.

You know you care when you’re stressed but my god I just wish I could blink and for me to get there.

I’ll update you when I know more but I’m stressed and I just want it to all work out because I care far too much!!

[pinkjoethedragon]

I don't remember where I was when I overheard someone say, "You don't need to suffer for people to love you." I think about it every time I feel like I haven't done enough. I try to remember that I have to take care of myself in order to take care of others. It's in my nature to care, and I would suffer more if I couldn't anymore.

[thepositiveturtleblog]

I am so anxious, and sometimes, I hate how well I can be doing before a wave of anxiety and impending doom falls onto my shoulders. I try to convince my brain that everything hasn't gone or will go wrong, but despite my efforts, I usually become more anxious. It mostly sucks because 95% of the time, it disrupts my sleep, and it mostly happens before I need to do something important, such as how it affects my sleep before my driving test. It's almost like any important moment in my life my brain tries its hardest to sabotage, and it's hard to navigate sometimes. It makes me feel stupid, and I know I'm not, and I can't help the anxious pattern, but sometimes I just want a brain that doesn't work this way, you know? I'm gonna try to fall asleep now, but I'll update you soon potentially if I can't <33

[audrinawf]

[thepositiveturtleblog]

Everyone says to make a list of goals for next year, and I never truly understood it until I tried it this year despite not managing all of them, it helped me to work towards bettering myself and becoming a version I like. A few were goals to push myself, and although I haven't achieved them, they helped motivate me to try. This year, I aim to write a list of goals before New Year's Eve to help guide myself in the new year. I have a lot of difficult decisions to make this year, like if I move home or if I stay in my university city and try and make it out there on my own. I hope I can. If I have to move into my dads for a couple of months, it would make me feel slightly shit, almost like I would be moving backwards, but I'm hopeful that even if that happens, it will be for the best. I've never really liked change, and it sometimes upsets me a little because I moved around a lot when I was younger, which imprinted that no one really stays and reinforced that I only had myself as a constant, which made it 100% harder when it came to making friends and trusting them to stay the same applied for any romantic interest. After all, I would be so terrified to lose them that I would either give up trying or I would want to be around them constantly, which in itself is very exhausting. I now have a partner who listens to me when I ramble like this, and I have finally made a girl as a friend who sees me for everything I am and more. She looks at me in a way that makes me heard, and I honestly wouldn't change her for the world. She will be moving back to Belfast, and I will hopefully see her as much as possible because I want to try as hard as I can to keep her as my friend because, honestly, she is awesome. I wanted to travel more this year as one of my goals, and I finally got the courage to trust. I went on three separate trips this year, one of them being with my current partner, and throughout it, I was terrified that I might do something to ruin what we had because of my traumatic experiences from previous relationships. He reassured me throughout the trip despite my nerves and anxiety and looking back on it, I honestly love all of the memories we made in Rome, in our Airbnb, exploring monuments, or even going around the supermarkets to get drinks in the scorching heat. It is nice to be heard and to finally enjoy existing and using the freedom I have and that I had worked so hard for. The other two trips I made this year were to Paris I went with someone who I thought was my friend, and it turned out they just needed someone to fill a void. That trip wasn't the best after previous experiences with trips going wrong. The trip wasn't all bad as we went to Disneyland Paris, and I think that was my highlight of the trip despite them hating the majority of the rides, characters and walking. At this point, I kinda gave up on going abroad and thought it was something I was doing until I tried again with a few of my coursemates this November, and I honestly loved the trip I loved the whole connection we made despite not being that close before the trip. A few of the girls, since the trip, will now strike up a conversation, and it made me realise that I should believe in myself more and my own ability to make friends. This year has taught me a lot about myself and what I'm capable of. I think I'm slowly becoming someone who I would love to be friends with, and to see that means so much after all of the work I've put into improving. It's hard to change when you've never seen a healthy example, but I guess I'm here to say that it does. I pinky promise. I could write for hours about how this year has helped me realise a lot about myself, but I think this is enough for now I think I would like to share with anyone who reads this. Most of the things you think you'll struggle with forever will get better, you will heal, and you will find your own way to happiness and forgiveness for yourself and the people who've gone or the people who are still around you.

[free-my-mindd]

Me mentally preparing myself to leave the house and deal with humans

[existingillusion]

[eccedentesiast-skies]

You’ve grown into someone who would have protected you as a child. And that is the most powerful move you made.

[thepositiveturtleblog]

hi, it's been a while but my brain is heavy and I'm trying to figure it all out I wish there was a roadmap of how to do everything and I wish I didn't feel as lonely as I do. I have friends but even though I socialise with them it doesn't erase this underlying thought of loneliness. I have just been having a rough run of life recently and I hate everyone and no one at the same time. I can smile and be happy but it doesn't erase how I feel at the end of each day...

I don't understand people and don't know how I end up in these situations. I recently had a work accident where the chef "accidentally spilt" hot oil onto my wrist leading me to go into A&E and being seen fast because of how bad it was. It is painful and it may potentially scar me for life and I'll have to adjust to how stupid it looks. I know scars aren't something to be ashamed of and I know some people consider them beautiful but to me, I just feel gross and ugly. Mostly because I didn't deserve this and now I have to live with it. I have 100 people it seems telling me what I should and shouldn't do about this, but at the end of the day, it's my potential scar and my body and I'm allowed to be hurt by this as it is quite traumatic. I also hate the way my work handled this the chef not apologising and the boss trying to sweep it under the rug like it is nothing. I AM HURT and I have the people who did this to me pretending like it never happened it really makes me question if I'm just making this a big deal for no reason because I am lacking validation of how I'm feeling and it genuinely feels wrong to be this upset by something.

I know this feeling is temporary but I just need someone to tell me that it's okay to feel like this. I need someone to let me know that I'm not alone :( thank you for reading - Turtle

[thepositiveturtleblog]

bro seriously said "you're like an adult child" and "you should probably lay off the carbs" fuck off!!!

[thepositiveturtleblog]

Do you ever do things because they’re familiar even if you don’t like them.

I find myself often falling into familiar and destructive patterns and sometimes it scares me that I am often the curator of my own downfall. I usually convince myself that the moments that I am happy are only temporary so I shouldn't deserve them. I know from experience that as soon as I feel love I gaslight myself so that I end up believing that I don't deserve it or that I am not allowed to feel this way about something or someone.

I cry when I feel positive emotions because it's been years since I could feel them let alone take myself outside and be happy to exist in the moment. I have an okay job and good friends. I'm making plans and I'm doing well with uni.

And despite this, I have negative thoughts that like to tell me I'm not doing enough or not being productive. This often leads to an unproductive cycle where I don't do anything for days and weeks because there's no deadline forcing me to work.

I've lost friends I thought were close and although it hurt I know that it's for the best. I'm not the person they once knew and that's okay. They weren't ready to change but I'm constantly striving to change to become a happier version of myself.

I often find myself wanting to listen to my intrusive thoughts but I know my brain is only doing this to find some sort of familiarity in the chaos that I would then create. I know that through experience I've done this numerous times and hurt a lot of people and that wasn't my intention. I just get scared when life becomes peaceful because I haven't really felt at peace until recently through the help of therapy and allowing myself to work on these issues and find their root causes.

I know I'm not perfect, but I'm trying to work on getting better so please try to be patient with me.

Things I write in the hopes someone understands or can relate.

[thepositiveturtleblog]

I want to know what it's like to not be traumatised. I wish I could go about my day and not worry about how my words might impact people. I wish the voice in my head wasn't as negative. I wish I loved myself more. I wish friends didn't leave. I wish a lot of things but that doesn't mean I'll get them... I have had to learn the hard way that I can't fix the voice in my head. I can talk about it, and I can try and heal but I can't erase it. I have to live with it and myself and I have to find ways to come to terms with losing people, who were once close to me. Recently I have found out that I often blame myself because it's "easier". After all, I constantly overanalyse the situation and attempt to find faults which inevitably only hurts me. Some people are just unable to recognise when they hurt people or when they're in the wrong and I can't force them to apologise for the pain they've caused... I just have to learn to live with it. I wish I was happy but you can't force it. I can have good days but I know that the majority of the time the next day I will be fighting against myself. I know my head is often a bad place to be and I wouldn't wish this on anyone, which is why I overanalyse the way I talk to people, and what I do so that I won't cause the pain I've been through to others. I know I have friends who care and love me but some days when my head gets bad I blame myself for being a bad friend when in fact I don't think I am.

[thepositiveturtleblog]

Hopes for 2024 <3

I want to write down all of my goals for 2024 but realistically it creates a false sense of achievement and a goal that you may not reach which leads to disappointment. despite my opinion on it, I do think sometimes it is beneficial to have a list of things I would've liked to have achieved throughout the year. I want to be able to save money this year. I don't care about the amount I just want to start building a fund to sort a house for myself further down the line. I want to have money so that I don't have to depend on anyone and know that if all fails I have a stash I can fall back on. Secondly, I want to organise projects and my time a lot better so that I feel for fulfilled and less stressed all of the time. I want to organise birthdays and I want to sort Christmas a lot better for next year. On top of that, I want to find a job that is stable and can give me hours to earn a decent amount so that I can live comfortably which will allow me to save a lot more than I currently can.

I also want to let myself have bad days and I want to take myself places because I want to go also because I think it's fun to explore new places. There are a lot of things I want to do but I think most of them are already goals I am already partially achieving. for instance: climbing 2-3 times a week swimming twice a month? eating healthier no "easy meals" Trying and reduce my sugar intake including "fizzy drinks" They already make me feel gassy and ew so it's a good idea to try and cut them or just get rid. I want to be happy in my body and although everyone says I'm "healthy" I think there's a boundary where I know I will be happy and I would like to stay there. I want to have a good work/uni and social schedule so that I don't sit in my loneliness. I would like to try running again possibly even if it's once a week or once every 2 weeks I would like to try just because I've missed it a lot. I would like to meal prep so that if I'm having a hard day or a long ass day I know that I have food in the house. I want to spend more time with the new friends I've made and try and move on from people who have hurt me recently or have tried to make my life difficult to live. I know I will have to wait for these things to become habits but I know if I do them I might be a happier version of myself hopefully. I would like to travel next year as well, I think my best plan for that would be when I have my tenancy crossover so that I wouldn't have to go home and I could create some amazing memories along the way. it will work out <3 ily <3

[quotefeeling]

“A true friend is someone who sees the pain in your eyes when everyone else sees the smile on your face.”

— Unknown