evil FUCKING vampire

i am the evil fucking vampire, father of 0 married to my human husband VAMPIRE HUNTERS DNI

[therealevilfuckingvampire]

introduction;

Hello my name is the evil fucking vampire, I enjoy long walks in the woods and crab rangoons dipped in sweet and sour sauce (the taste reminds me of blood) I am a father of 0 and married to my lovely husband who shall not be named

VAMPIRE HUNTERS DNI

[therealevilfuckingvampire]

Finally met the "great pumpkin god", not going to lie guys. He's kind of an asshole? Not only did he make fun of my outfit but he asked me to "find all of his magical gem stones". How DARE he ask me the evilfuckingvampire to find HIS magical gemstones? Sounds like this "almighty" pumpkin god needs to take better care of his items and REMEMBER where he put them nerveless after finding his stones (they were just normal rocks painted in different colors) he gave me this coloring print out sheet and a bag of candy? Rightfully I called him out on his bullshit and his response? "This is an event", so not only was I made fun of NOT ONLY WAS I MADE TO DO SOMEONE ELSES WORK I was scammed too. Anyway 0/10 god ngl he tasted horrible too could've done better

[therealevilfuckingvampire]

omw to destroy the world ! !

[therealevilfuckingvampire]

Once every year "halloween" is celebrated, although what many don't know is that the great pumpkin god rises each halloween night. And i theevilfuckingvampire will be the first (in my state) to summon him to get revenge on all who has doubted me (mainly my coworker and my father but i'm ok with destroying the whole world too). fear me as I am the evil fucking vampire

[therealevilfuckingvampire]

*sucks your blood* *kills you* *kills you* *kills you* *kills you* *kills you* *kills you* *kills you* *kills you*

*flies away*

[therealevilfuckingvampire]

my plan......

[therealevilfuckingvampire]

"fuck..shit..stupid fucking.. AH shit FUCK…"

[ghostlyxoxo]

[therealevilfuckingvampire]

I never knew Mr squarepants was apart of the vampire community

i'm 100% taking inspo from his outfit for my next bat convention

[mvdso2]

mvdso

[therealevilfuckingvampire]

I did the TWO most evil fucking things today

first I broke into my biggest enemy's (who's also my coworker) house and set the clock on their stove to be 4 hours off from regular time. that's what they get for calling me a fake vampire and telling me I need to be put in a ward.

THEN I went into walmart and put 10 cans of raw beef in the babies section so those dumb babies will get raw beef all over them.

(i HATE babies)

[therealevilfuckingvampire]

oh hell yeah now this is is what i'm talking about....

[sosuperawesome]

Black Gold Tea Set // Angioletti Designs

[therealevilfuckingvampire]

I hate the stereotype that every vampire drinks blood this isn't true and a lot of us are on the pomegranate diet

[shadow-starx]

[therealevilfuckingvampire]

I fucking hate when I tell people garlic can ACTUALLY KILL ME and they start sending images of garlic NOONE thinks YOUR FUNNY. what if WHAT IF I SENT YOU IMAGE OF THINGS THAT CAN KILL YOU. would you laugh? would do dare chuckle? or would you write a tumblr post about a evil fucking vampire who sent you images of poison and tall places and whatever the fuck humans can die from

[bebs-art-gallery]

Wounds of the Earth

— by xis.lanyx