Frustrations

Hi I am Caitlin and this is my private blog. It has nothing to do with anything besides me. It will be very blunt and probably not very interesting.

[therealjackel-blog]

How do you express your emotions without feeling like you are only doing it for attention? I really want to talk to someone but I convince myself that I can deal with it by myself and I would only be looking for pity if I told someone. I don’t think I am looking for attention, but just for someone to listen because I have never had someone just listen. Well I have but now I can’t talk to them without me feeling worse about myself. My whole life I have had to act like I didn’t give a fuck, what are emotions? I’m just here trying to make people laugh. I have always been ashamed of feeling sad, nervous, or confused. I need someone to listen, just sit there with me and let me say everything, but I am too scared and nervous to trust someone. What if they view me differently? 

[therealjackel-blog]

You told me. Recommend you delete this journal by the way. You don't want potentially dangerous men finding this nor a future possible employer. Hope all is well and you are enjoying school. Try to will yourself to enjoy the gift of life and find the good in all things. It would be a terrible loss to those who care for you should you ever truly hurt yourself - stop letting your mind even go there.

I never told anyone about this blog. Who are you?

[therealjackel-blog]

keep things simple at JMU. Make sure you take care of the academics first and pick your friends very carefully. Find a church you are comfortable with and attend. Drink socially but conservatively and stay completely away from drugs and those who use them. Get yourself steady over your first couple of semesters, and then self examine where you are. Don't feel you have to pick a major, just learn and enjoy. keep to things that make you feel comfortable. Get enough sleep/exercise and pray.

How do you know that I go to JMU?

[therealjackel-blog]

I miss my boyfriend, not who he is now but who he was.

The one that was always there for me, if I was bored I could always count of him spicing up my day. I don’t miss who he turned into, but I miss who I fell in love with.

High school love is so cliche. First is the honeymoon stage, when you need to show your affection for one another twenty-four seven. You mentally take each other’s clothes off every time you make eye contact. Every night you talk on the phone for hours and the conversation never gets boring. But, eventually there is nothing else to talk about, you have seen each other naked so many time that you stop mentally striping each other of their clothes. Somedays you want to be with each other forever, while other days you are sick and tired of everything that made you fall in love with them.

Maybe at our age we can’t truly fall in love. We are still developing and still changing. In my case, we developed in different ways and grew apart from one another. I tried to hold on for as long as I could. But, eventually everything that I fell in love with was gone. His innocence, drive to question everything, his cute quirky smile that he always had after proving someone wrong or making a totally inappropriate joke, they way he would get embarrassed if he thought his date idea wasn't impressing me, the way he would hold me in his arms, wanting to hang out with me to be with me and not to be in me, and the way he said I love you all left him him throughout the two and a half year relationship. I am sure that I changed too, but I just wish I could be in love with him again.

[therealjackel-blog]

When I was at the funeral I began to cry. A man next to me gave me a hug and instructed me to look at the old people since they have been through this before. He was right the young were crying while the old were sitting in silence and starring forward. When my body began to shake he said...

[therealjackel-blog]

On new years I was designated driver until I got to my friends house. My close friends and I were going to spend the night. I got completely wasted. I was downing beers and chugging vodka from the bottle. 

The ball fell and I kiss my boyfriend of a year and a half. The next thing I knew I was in my friends car. We were going to someone else's house. The next thing was me throwing up, then me sleeping in a bed, then me waking up to my other friends watching twilight. Two people were next to me, one of my best girl-friends and the owner of the house jack. next thing I knew me and him were spooning. At first I thought it was my boyfriend. we started moving our hips against each other. then it hit me that it wasn't my boyfriend. I was so drunk that it took me forever to process that fact. by the time I understood he had gone under my bra and either on top of my underwear or underneath. None of my friends new at the time since we were under a blanket. I tried going back to bed but I couldn't. I went to the bathroom and threw up then sat on the floor and cried. My friend who was also in the bed came in saying that jack seductively brushed her with his hand, she also has a boyfriend and that night she barely drank). We left his house as soon as we could and in the morning I called my boyfriend, fred, to pick me up from the place that I slept at.

When fred picked me up I told him what happened and broke up with me. he didn't let me talk to him in any way for two days and sent me multiple texts that described what a terrible person I was. Eventually he let me talk to him and now we are back together since he understood that it was Jack and not me.

Now I still feel guilty, violated, I feel like slim, I have a scum layer on top of me. The sight of boys especially jack revolts me. I get a terrible guilty feeling in my vagina that feels like when you get butterflies in your stomach. Some days I am fine and somedays I think about new years constantly. when ever I have a free moment it is on my mind. I shake uncontrollably. And I feel like everything is my fault. Some days I can't even kiss fred because I feel so slimmy. I feel like I cheated on him, when I know I would never especially with someone like Jack. 

What should I do? How do I move on?

[therealjackel-blog]

When I was at the funeral I began to cry. A man next to me gave me a hug and instructed me to look at the old people since they have been through this before. He was right the young were crying while the old were sitting in silence and starring forward. When my body began to shake he said something that was so simple but it has stuck ad now means a lot to me.

"Just keep breathing, and don't stop."

"Don't stop breathing"

It was instructions meant to help me collect myself and stop crying but now they are instructions to never give up and never end my life prematurely. If something is wrong continue and don't dwell on it.

[therealjackel-blog]

Ever thought about running away?

[therealjackel-blog]

Yesterday all my problems seemed so far away, and now I can’t escape them. 

Me, Myself, and I are the only people who can be trusted.

[therealjackel-blog]

To Do

Sleep

Cut

Don't eat

Don't talk to anyone

Wear sweatpants

Not give a fuck

[therealjackel-blog]

Yesterday,

Some one convinced me that me, myself, and I was not a good way to live. 

Today, I am convinced that it is a good way to live.

I mean right when you think you can trust someone. You thought that you could go to them for help and they just fuck you over. When you talk to them they are supportive and make it seem like they care about your problems. Then, they go behind your back and laugh at them. 

[therealjackel-blog]

7 more pounds

[therealjackel-blog]

I cut my self on my ankle,

no one knows.

I am going on an unhealthy diet,

1,200 calories at max per day.

I was suppose to have a girls night,

but all my friends ditched.

Tomorrow I am going camping,

hopefully I get eaten by a bear.

[therealjackel-blog]

I am changing and I really don't like it.

It sucks.

I am stressed,

I am not getting enough sleep,

I am easily frustrated,

I am easily depressed,

I am ruining relationships,

I am trying to hold on to my childhood,

I am trying to achieve my future,

I am failing at what I want to succeed in the most,

I am bipolar,

I am cutting,

I am losing my boyfriend,

I am turning into the monster that will destroy my life.

[therealjackel-blog]

You know you are comfortable with your significant other when you jokingly insult each other during what is suppose to be an intimate activity.

[therealjackel-blog]

At the dinner table my family was talking about my physical. My mom asked what the doctor's questions were after she left. I responded saying oh stupid stuff like do you drink (yes), do you smoke (once or twice), are you depressed (yes), have you ever been suicidal (yes). I continued to say the the  doctor has a little warning before the questions saying it is confidential unless if you are harming you self or harming other people, so techniqually almost all of those answers could have been shared to my parents. Which is why I lie during that section. 

My dad then said next time you should say you cut. Because it is not self harm or dangerous it is just a cry for attention.

The other night my brother also said anorexia isn't a mental illness or a result of other people. He said the person did it to them self for attention or because they are stupid. People should know by now that you should eat and it has nothing to do with a mental problem.

[therealjackel-blog]

My next door neighbor is a freshman girl. She has always been big for her size, which made her a wonderful swimmer. She has set many records at her pool. She truly is a descendant of St. Francis of Assisi. Her love and passion for animals is immeasurable. I am also ninety-nine percent certain that I have known her for her whole life. We kinda grew up together. We were in a bike gang and band together, we tried to find Raccoon X by using our lab equipment, we played hide-and-seek, tag, and flashlight tag.

Since I have started high school we have stopped talking. My school starts earlier than her school. But have way through the year I noticed her coming back from runs. My dad told me that she became a vegetarian. She even beat me in a 5K which was really surprising since I had always been faster than her when it came to running (but when we swam she kicked my ass).

Two days ago my dad told me that she passed out from being dehydrated. She was sent to the hospital immediately. She is now in the hospital for at least 5 days. Two weeks ago the doctor told her that she had to eat at least 2,000 calories a day but she cheated and had 700 or less. She won't be able to leave the hospital until her parents have signed her up for another program. She is now being tube feed. She was delayed on the full recover process because the doctors were scaried if they moved too fast she would try to end her life. 

All of this is shocking. It never occurred to me that such a successful young girl could do this to her self. Especially one that used to be such a huge part of my life.