There's Something Wrong With Sam

[theressomethingwrongwithsam]

Review - Such A Fun Age by Kiley Reid

As a white, gay, middle class, British man I thought I'd struggle to understand this book, but Reid put all my doubts to bed in great style. She brought me into the world of her characters and used their voices so well that I could put myself in their heads.

I loved the fluidity of the writing and the tiny, slightly off piste, observations throughout made me think like I was looking through the eyes of a child.

The plot was tight and the twists kept you guessing and wondering what to believe.

And, of course, Briar has to be mentioned. She was vibrant and funny to the last page and I fell in love with her just as Emira must have.

A very clever novel and masterfully written. I would say “a brave novel”, but the confidence of the writing doesn't betray Reid by showing any weakness or fear at all. It's one of those books that says: This is the story I want to write and here's how I'm going to write it.

Four stars!

[theressomethingwrongwithsam]

Mortified!

There's this fantasy that gay porn has a part in. The fantasy is the “going into a changing room at the gym”.

I deliberately avoid going in the changing rooms and prefer to wear my kit to and from the gym, only a fifteen minute walk from my house. It’s not just because the reality of the changing room doesn't involve hot, oiled up men tugging each other off, but mainly because I'm shy about my body.

I was meeting my sister beforehand so I thought I'd be brave and use the changing rooms for once.

NEVER AGAIN!

As a sufferer of anxiety I was pretty stressed out walking in there, especially as it’s been years since I last used this room. I hunched my shoulders, took a deep breath and walked in there.

If this were a porn movie I'd have marched in there with my chest puffed out and there would be half a dozen topless guys making out with each other and groping crotches.

The reality was quite different: just two middle-aged men on benches getting changed in a very casual and non-sexual manner.

As I start to undress my anxiety levels pick up again and then, out of the corner of my eye, I spot my current gym-snack.

He's an instructor at my gym and he also works out there. He has a cute nest of dark blonde hair, a slight and very charming under-bite, a chest I'd just love to nestle my head into and the arse taken off of a statue of a Greek god.

I start to freak out. The guy I low-key fancy has just seen me in my worst pair of boxers!

So I can't look him in the eye as he walks around, inspecting the lockers or whatever he was doing, and I hurriedly put on my gym clothes feeling mortified that he's just seen a lot more of my flesh than I've seen of his.

Back up on the gym floor, I relax into my workout. I do keep a keen and slightly pervy eye on the snack whose name I have yet to find out and wish to cry out in bed as he ploughs me nice and hard.

I note the cute, confident smile he gives newbies, the curves of his body, the stretching of his jogging bottoms as they try to envelop his beautiful bum.

He has a habit of walking up and down the main walkway in the gym, often carrying pieces of gym equipment.

I'm sat on an exercise bike, building up a sweat, as he goes back and forth.

He walks in front of me shaking a protein drink. This I can deal with, though his wrist action, I can see, is very good.

He walks up and down again with a bottle of disinfectant. That's okay. He proceeds to fill up other bottles from the one in his hand.

I'm getting more chilled and I ramp up the difficulty on the exercise bike. What he does next causes my jaw to drop and my mind to explode into sexual fantasy land.

He walks by eating a banana!

And it's not just one of the fun-sized ones.

IT’S HUGE!

He eats it slowly and tenderly and I worry I might get an erection. He looks like he knows what he's doing and that banana is having a great time!

Suffice to say, I couldn't look at him again for the length of my session: another forty minutes, without picturing us together with a bowl of fruit and no clothes on.

I skulked passed him on my way out.

'Thank you,' I whisper, staring at his feet. I'm polite like that.

I'm considering changing gyms.

Your thoughts?

[theressomethingwrongwithsam]

Review: “The Pig Scrolls” by Paul Shipton

This is possibly the most important book in my life. It's the first book I read that really got me into reading.

Just like the hero, Gryllus the pig, this book is not the best, not the funniest, cleverest book out there, but it has a huge amount of charm.

I remember, as a twelve year old, laughing at jokes so old that they hadn't come my way yet. The part where Gryllus defeats the Sphinx, I remember, had me in stitches.

A fun book, easy to read and full of monsters, gods and humour.

[theressomethingwrongwithsam]

Drowning Your Enemies In A Swimming Pool With No Stairs

We've all played The Sims right? Or does that say a lot about me that I'm writing a post about it?

Writing is a lot like playing The Sims. I've killed off so many of my enemies that way and damn-well enjoyed doing it!

But it’s not all setting off fireworks indoors and and removing all avenues of escape, writing let’s me explore my greatest desires, my fears, fantasies, hopes and dreams for the future. It’s the most cathartic thing I do.

I'm constantly falling in love with my characters as a romance writer. I create characters who love the way I want to be loved. In a strange sense, I'm creating fictitious partners for myself.

So, whether it's a weepy poem, a dodgy bit of fan-fiction or creating an epic SFF world, go out and write today! (or, more likely, stay in and write today!) It'll do you good.

And remember: it's not murder if you only do it through writing.

[theressomethingwrongwithsam]

Owl or Lion?

If I were just an owl, we wouldn't have kissed last night.

'I want to kiss you,' I said.

We were sat side by side, our fingertips nearly touching on the back of the bench.

'Be a lion,' you told me.

I knew then that you wanted to kiss me too.

I didn't do it right away. I thought about it for a long time; sat there like an owl: stern faced and silent.

There were so many ways I could been burnt by you. So I hesitated, too scared to kiss you; or maybe I was fearful of something more profound.

I get scared to like people; scared of falling in love.

I'm terrified of the pain that comes after every goodbye I give.

I'm sensitive. My heart's walls are paper thin. One rejection could tear the page and spill my blood all over the grass at our feet.

My owl side told me to remain staring into your blue, blue eyes; to play it safe. To deny myself the kiss that I've been imagining every minute for the last few precious hours spent together. But my lion reared its great head, shook its mane and roared.

I kissed you then.

And I've never felt such pleasure.

[theressomethingwrongwithsam]

Tomorrow Never Comes

If tomorrow

Never comes for me

And there's not another day

That I will see

You'll shed

A million tears

As you count a million memories

From the last of my living years

Cherish it the time we had

Though it went so fast

And know that you cannot live your life

By living in the past

Think of me only

Every now and then

For one sunny day

We'll meet again

Memory is cruel

And spirits people away

But as long as I'm remembered

In your heart I'll stay

Even after such time

That I'm forgot

I'll watch down on you

And forget you not

And when your last breath comes

We'll meet once more

I'll greet you with open arms

As you walk through heaven's door

[theressomethingwrongwithsam]

Always Laughing

And she was always laughing

Till tears rolled down her cheek

And then there was the silence.

A moment where it all stopped.

Then was the time that we cried,

A time that we stood in silence

And finally, as always,

We laughed again.

By Sam Elliot

[theressomethingwrongwithsam]

Silent No More

I can stay silent no more

About those that are now

As silent as the grave

I will raise my voice

And raise my hand

To hold the hands

Of those who have

Been silenced for so long

Now is the time

To stand up tall

And cry out to the world

To end the silences

By Sam Elliot

[theressomethingwrongwithsam]

The mountaintops are barren, my dear. But the valleys are where the fruit is.

A quote from a dear old friend.

[theressomethingwrongwithsam]

Running To You

It took me a long time to find you. And even then I didn't know I wanted you, needed you like I know now.

I was hesitant at first, terrified of the hold you had over me.

There were love songs and poetry but I still didn't really believe that my life could be completed by you.

I held back. Stood firm against the raging waters inside telling me to run to you.

I thought about you every moment of every day. Obsessed with your frame and your mind.

It was only when I pushed you away that you left and I knew then that I could not be without you.

So I ran to you, stumbling, falling, gasping for air and finally made it to your feet. And there I stayed, mesmerised by your beauty.

[theressomethingwrongwithsam]

Jojo Moyes “Me Before You” Review

There aren't many books that I've read twice and there are even fewer books I've read twice that make me want to instantly read it a third time.

Jojo Moyes' “Me Before You” gripped me both times and had some kind of magnetic hold on me. Even though it no longer kept me guessing the pleasure was felt just as keenly.

It's a masterclass in the craft of writing, one of the most thoughtfully created books I've read. Her characterisation is flawless, I could identify with each and every one and really got to know and love them with each passing page. The dialogue was sparsely used and to great effect. This is a book about emotion more than action and Moyes demonstrated that perfectly. The questions asked by this book are respectfully explored. The weight of the issues presented are juxtaposed by gentle humour and clever observations.

I have to admit that reading the last 100 pages was really tough. I hated to pick it up but something stronger forced my hand into leafing through to my bookmark. I knew what was to come and found myself begging for a different ending. And when the alternative ending didn't come I felt the pain just as brutally as I did the first time around. It was like some kind of beautiful masochism to read it a second time.

As an aspiring writer, there's something very depressing about reading a book that is this good. You get this nagging doubt that you will never produce anything that could hold a candle to such works. Nonetheless, I feel enriched by this reading experience. I've taken so much from it and believe that it can only make me a better writer by reading such great books as this.

[theressomethingwrongwithsam]

Before the coronavirus epidemic, I was on an all time high. I was enjoying my job and found purpose and meaning in it. I was writing more than ever before and I had a sense of direction with what I was writing. I hadn't been that positive in a long while.

Now I'm really struggling with the restrictions that corona life is forcing upon us. The loss of a sense of purpose with no job to go to is really bringing me down. And a sense of self-doubt is closing in around me.

I don't know when it will all end, when the lock-down will be lifted, and this makes me worse still. But the sound of Max Boyce's voice and the words of this poem are really speaking to me and giving me hope.

[theressomethingwrongwithsam]

How to Stay Alive #2: Hope

Hope is possibly the strongest of man's assets. Without hope we would be nothing. Hope leads us to new discoveries and experiences. Hope keeps us striving when things look bleak. To have hope is to have life. Without hope we do not succeed but fall into depression and when we do it's hope that brings us up again.

Hope is undeniably a force that drives us. But how do we cultivate how? How do we grow it and use it to our advantage?

#2: Hope

There are many ways to find and produce hope and, if you work hard, you can find it almost anywhere.

I find it most in other people, their hope inspires me to have my own. People who are suffering yet are learning to stay alive are the people that make me feel the most hopeful. They make me believe that I can achieve my goals and live a better life.

Hope can come from within. We feel it when we realise our ambitions in life and how to achieve them or simply from working out how to make better life. It's about unlocking the potential for good things to happen in the future.

Believing that there is more to life than your suffering is the vital to hope. Sometimes it's hard to see but I encourage you to look deeper. Whether things get better or not, having things in your life that make you hopeful is key to surviving your suffering and living a fuller life.

[theressomethingwrongwithsam]

Medusa

I've seen so many heroes

Come with bows and swords.

I've seen the lust in their eyes

For gold,

For glory,

But none with love.

Now I live in this mountain made of rock

Hidden from others' view

And surrounded by the statues

Of those that came to slay me.

I wonder if there is a hero somewhere

Who seeks to set me free.

I am a monster of hideous proportions

Yet he does not fear this beast.

In fact, he hardly see me at all.

He sees not the scattered marks that cross my skin;

Not the fragile heart that has grown sick;

Nor the bulging stomach, the twisted eye or the upturned nose.

He sees not the tears of hardship.

He sees not my years of longing for him.

All he sees,

In his great eyes,

Is me.

He will see, in my eyes,

The thing I used to be.

For I was forged of love

But broken by a curse.

Somewhere, deep inside me,

Love lingers still.

I hope that he can

Start to peel back my rancid flesh,

Lift the layers of scarred tissue

And reveal who I truly am.

I am a beast

Forged of love just like you.

That love was a seed that grew in many horrible directions.

But, underneath that,

I am still capable of all the love in the world.

I am not just a monster.

I am more than I seem.

I am worthy of his love;

But it will take a hero,

A man of such might,

To see beyond my head of snakes

And find that love inside.

By Sam Elliot

[theressomethingwrongwithsam]

How to Stay Alive #1: Writing

Introduction

My name is Sam. If you've read any of my blog posts you probably realise that there is definitely something wrong with me. I suffer from depression among other things. I'm in “recovery” but I've been to rock-bottom on many occasions. Now that my life is getting back on track I'd like to try to help people who are on the same journey as I am.

These are hard times. I know that we're all struggling with the confinements and anxiety of Coronavirus life. I also know that some of us find life really hard at the best of times. So how do we get through? How do we survive these dark times?

A long time ago I read Matt Haig's fantastic autobiographical work “Reasons To Stay Alive”. Powered on by this book I wrote a list of my reasons to remain on this planet and I want to share some of them with you. I'm going to devote some of my time to writing a little bit about my list with the hope that this might help you to find a different way to cope with life.

#1: Writing

I honestly believe I wouldn't be here without writing. My aspiration to be a published author pushes me forward and gives me a sense of purpose but the most beneficial writing I do is in my journal. Second to that is my poetry. I write from the heart and let my emotions spill out all over the page. I don't write great poetry but the act of writing, even bad poetry, is cathartic.

Get your thoughts down on paper, your emotions, both your triumphs and your losses. Any experience you write about is valuable. It helps you deconstruct the world around you and break down what goes on inside your head.

Write a witty line you think up or something that made you laugh on TV.

Write a review of the book you just read; or, find a piece of art and write down how it made you feel.

I run a writing group for adults with mental health issues. I've seen the power of creative writing. It can bring confidence, purpose and a way to express yourself.

Every now and then I ask my writers to spend half and hour just ranting. The room goes silent apart from the scratch of pens. I love a good rant. It's a great way to release some of the tension stuck inside your mind.

Take some time this week to write. As you're all bloggers, you probably already do this but maybe shake it up a bit. Maybe write a list of your reasons to stay alive.

I hope this was helpful and I will write more soon.

Please stay alive. There's so much to live for.

[theressomethingwrongwithsam]

Corona Virus, A Love Song

I'm in love with the boy next door.

Makes my jaw drop to the floor.

Just wanna get inside his pants.

But gotta keep social distance.

I watch him over the garden wall.

He’s so fit. He stands so tall.

Got me infected. He looks so great.

Love makes me sick. Need to isolate.

I wanna take our one walk together.

Down to the park in this lovely weather.

I'll say 'I love you. You have my heart.'

But we have to keep six feet apart.

I call you up. We go on Skype.

You say, 'Hey boy, you're just your type.'

I say I'm horny and, if he's keen,

Come over, let's both get Covid-19.

By Sam Elliot

[theressomethingwrongwithsam]

ARVON Retreat Review

I just wanted to blog about the ARVON course I attended a few weeks ago. If you want to take your writing further I would strongly recommend a residential writing course from ARVON. I could quite happily have spent a month there.

It was a great opportunity to meet other people as passionate about writing as I am. We stayed up late drinking wine and took some trips out together but mostly we just nerded out about writing. This isn't something I can do with my friends at home.

The house and grounds were great. It was peaceful and had a sense of history with all the benefits of modern living.

The tutors (Jacob Ross and Emylia Hall) provided so much knowledge, inspiration and advice in the one-to-one tutorials. They also taught “masterclasses” that really made me think about who I am as a writer and what my book is about.

I've come away with a sense of what I'm writing about and why. I'm inspired to take my writing to the next level and I feel more able to do this. The criticism enabled me to make positive changes to my manuscript and also taught me that I need to strip back my writing and make it more precise.

My ARVON retreat was one of the best weeks of my adult life. It was so much fun and I loved spending a week with nothing better to do than write. Now, I'm writing between one and three hours a day, spurred on by my experience. I've fallen back in love with my novel. Before I went I was seriously doubting my abilities and the strength of my story. Thanks to ARVON I know I'm on the right path.