Swimming Thoughts

My name is Afiq Nuradli. This is my side blog where I talk about stuff. Have a nice day :)

[ysociety]

[theseswimmingthoughts]

Getting help

I finally went to get help for my anxiety 2 months ago. I've been dealing with anxiety for years now but I never went to go seek help from a professional and get a proper diagnosis. I know self diagnosis is not good but I know that I have been struggling with anxiety for years now since I was in highschool. I've been wanting to go to counseling or therapy for years now and when I got into university doing my degree now I find out that they have counseling but I never got to it cause everytime I wanted to go, I panicked. I got too afraid cause I don't wanna know what would happen, I was afraid that I might not get the help that I want, I was afraid that I get judged and I was afraid I would experience the same bad experiences I heard from others. So I put off my visit for counseling for a long while.

I finally tried counseling 2/3 months ago cause I noticed my anxiety was getting in the way too much and it was taking a toll on me so I decided to go. My first session thankfully was good. My counselor recognized some of my symptoms so he helped set an appointment with a psychiatrist. I was happy he was willing to help and support me. He offered to go with me for my first psychiatry appointment. I finally got properly diagnosed with Generalised Anxiety Disorder (GAD) which I'm not actually surprised. I always suspected or kind of knew that this is what I've been struggling with for years now.

The doctor prescribed me with anti anxiety and anti panic medications for 2 weeks, half a tablet, to see if they work and at first I was very afraid of taking them. I was afraid how my mind or my body would react to them cause I know it's gonna be a process so they may or may not work for me. I was also afraid about who I am without my disorder which is weird cause I don't wanna live with anxiety, I don't ever want to experience everything I'm experiencing because of anxiety but I've been living with it for so long that I don't know who I am without it. I can't really explain but that's how I feel.

I gave the medication a try. The first week was hard cause my body was still adjusting to it and I feel extremely drowzy. I only take them at night before bed but I would still feel sleepy the next day. The second week was scary cause I was feeling very suicidal and I found out later from my doctor that the medication can stimulate certain symptoms so this is not out of the ordinary but I was scared. It was the second time I contemplated suicide. My second appointment, I updated the doctor on medication and she recommended me to take the full tablet and also psychotherapy.

It's been 2 months now and I feel a little bit better but of course it's always gonna be a struggle especially days where I would be too overwhelmed. But I'm glad I finally gathered up the courage to finally get help. I wish I could've done it sooner but hey better late than never I guess. It sucks that I have to be dependant on medication and therapy but if you wanna get better, you'll have to whatever it takes so I know this is what I have to do. For those living with anxiety disorders, panic disorder or any kind of mental illness, I understand how scary it can be to take that step to getting help and I know how draining and exhausting it can be living with mental illness but I would encourage you to find something to help you get better. Therapy, medication or even a good support system can help you. You shouldn't feel ashamed cause it's not your fault. You are more than your disorder. I wish all of you, all of us, the very best and may we have the strength to carry on

[theseswimmingthoughts]

Why do I feel like a burden,

Why do I feel unimportant,

Why do I feel like I don't deserve this,

Why do I feel I'm not worth it,

Why do I feel I should end it,

Why do I feel like I don't deserve this

[theseswimmingthoughts]

GENESIS BUDDIES JAMBOREE

I had one of the best week of my life. What started with me not wanting to go join became something I will forever cherish and hoped to last a little longer. USM's Genesis Buddies Jamboree was one of the amazing things I ever get to experienced. I'm glad that me and my friends get to represent UPM for this Jamboree.

The USM Buddies have been great in taking care of us and organizing this programme. You guys have definitely exceeded all my expectations. I had such a wonderful time there. I not only feel inspired to make UPM's Buddies Association better, I also made amazing new friends who I love so much and am very blessed I got to meet them. The Jamboree was inspiring, eye opening, informative, crazy and unforgettable. Thank you for giving all of us this opportunity to learn, to share, to connect and to have fun. I can't wait to sing and dance with you guys again 😉💃👯 As for my groupmates, Red Warriors, you have been nothing short of amazing. I love you guys so much and I count the days till we all meet again. Missing you guys since the moment we parted ways. Thank you for the wonderful memories, for everything you've done and for being you. We're All in this Together 😉💕💕

This trip to USM/Penang has been amazing and I look forward to come back for future programmes and/or collaboration with the Buddies. It's been a few days since the last day and everyone in the groupchat still can't move on from it. We all miss each other dearly and singing and dancing to our favourite song, Alvaro Soler's Sofia in our house and in the car. I love that we all became one big happy family and I hope this will allow us to work together in the future to make Buddies in every university in Malaysia better. This Jamboree have been amazing and congratulations to USM. You know you did great when everyone is still talking about it and having a hard time moving on from it haha😉😜

As for University of Malaya, the next host for next year's Jamboree, all the best to you guys! I'll be seeing you insyaallah. May we all see each other again! I can't wait for the reunion 😄💕

[theseswimmingthoughts]

You took me by surprise

I said let’s go slow

Now we’re taking our time

And I see beauty I didn’t see before

[theseswimmingthoughts]

Days gone by

And we took our time

But now I’m afraid

If I’m still worth your while

[theseswimmingthoughts]

The fire is gone

I don't feel the spark

Where did it all go wrong

How do I go back to the start

[theseswimmingthoughts]

You took me by surprise

I said let’s go slow

Now we’re taking our time

And I see beauty I didn’t see before

[theseswimmingthoughts]

Days gone by

And we took our time

But now I'm afraid

If I'm still worth your while

[theseswimmingthoughts]

You took me by surprise

I said let's go slow

Now we're taking our time

And I see beauty I didn't see before

[afiqnuradlimusic]

Nightmares

I see you

In my sleep

I feel your hands still

Your breath

Your touch

Get away!

Stop!

Wake up! Wake up!

Let go!

I can’t breathe

I can’t breathe…

I can’t break free

I can’t break…

Your hands on me

I feel it still

Even now with eyes open

I can’t breathe

I can’t breathe

I can’t breathe

[afiqnuradlimusic]

You grow more beautiful in my eyes

My heart beats fast still when you’re in my sight

Each day I grow more afraid to be close to you

But there’s nothing more I want nor I’d rather do

[theseswimmingthoughts]

ATOMIC JAYA

A little late on this but here it is. From auditions to the last staging day, Atomic Jaya was an unforgettable experience. I loved every second of it. It's been a dream of mine to be in a full play production. Last year, I didn't get the opportunity to be part of the Peter Pan production but it's okay cause I wouldn't trade this production and these people for the world. We're all family now.

I have to thank Dr Zainor for believing in me and told me to audition for one of the main characters, Dr Saiful. I never thought I could play the part but I've learnt so much about myself and acting that I've gained more confidence over time. I love playing Dr Saiful. He has been a joy. He is a very fun character to play. I love playing around and be creative with the character till we all find what our version of Dr Saiful is and I believe we found that. I miss playing him so much.

I honestly can't believe it's been 3/4 months. We've rehearsed our lines, get to know our characters and get to know everyone of us. We played games, we made jokes, we danced, we sang, we laughed, we cried and most importantly we performed. Each day we grow closer to each other and each day we get closer to the staging day. Where did the time go? It felt like it was only yesterday where we did our first script read through and now we're actually done with the play.

First staging day was nerve wrecking. We were excited of course but nerves are always there. Then panic cause we experienced technical difficulties with the mics at the beginning but props to Ying and Sadiq for keeping calm and went on with the scenes cause us backstage were panicking 😅. Technicians fixed the mic problem just right away and we carry on with the rest of the play. We were happy to see everyone laughing at the jokes, understood the references and their energy was so amazing it's unimaginable. Second day we had 3 universities coming to see the play and one of them have staged Atomic Jaya before and I’m glad to hear they really enjoyed our performance.

Atomic Jaya and Onetwotea Production will forever be close to my heart. I will never forget these people. The cast, the crew. We went from strangers to a family. I love each and everyone single one of these people. They're all amazingly talented at what they do. I'm so blessed and happy I got to know them and be a part of this production. I won't forget one line of this. Atomic Jaya was an amazing, beautiful and unforgettable experience for me and I wouldn't trade it for anything. I hope to join next year's production and hope it would be as amazing.

This is Dr Saiful signing off.........For now 😉

[afiqnuradlimusic]

I dare you

I dare you to tell me 

It was my fault

My fault this has happened to me

My fault I was touched inappropriately

My fault this has happened twice

My fault I woke up choking at night

I dare you to tell me

I’m the one to blame

That it was my fault for being there

My fault for being so scared

My fault for “letting it happened”

My fault cause this “only happens to women”

I dare you to tell me

It was me who’s wrong

Wrong for not being man enough

Wrong for not acting tough enough

It was me who’s wrong that they placed their hands

It was not their fault that I didn’t consent

I dare you to tell me

It was my fault

For being 14 when he touched me

For being 19 when he stroke me

For being a teen that they lust over me

It was my fault alone, not the ones who

Harassed me

I dare you to tell me

One last time

That it was my fault these happened to me

My fault I was touched inappropriately

My fault for crying and shaking after

My fault for being male cause it “doesn’t count” and it “doesn’t matter”

[theseswimmingthoughts]

I don't want to love you I try not to love you But I do

[theseswimmingthoughts]

People are like Books

This may not be a good analogy but sometimes people are very much like books. Some are an open book written in a language that everybody can read. They’re not difficult to understand. These people are easy to be friends with. They’re kind, they’re nice, they can be your best friend but they trust people easily and that can bring them harm. When you’re easy to read, people will use anything they find out about you against you. They’ll take advantage of the very accessible information they get from you so be aware and keep the book closed every now and then. 

Some people are open books as well but written in codes or a language difficult to translate. Some may take years to be translated. These people are open and free spirited but they hold secrets that only few knows. They show people what’s written inside but not many will understand. They only show their truest self to the ones they believe are trustworthy. They will do the translating for you when you show them that you are worthy enough to read them and when they trust you with what’s written in them, never betray their trust. 

Then there are some people that are like diaries or journals with a lock. They don’t open up to anyone unless those people have the key to the lock. They tend to be mysterious people. Not much is known about them so sometimes people make up their own stories about these people that are mostly not true. And if you really want to know what’s written, think carefully before going any further. They don’t open up for a reason. They have a lock for a reason. They will only share the key to those who they believe that can keep their secrets, those who are trustworthy. When you open the lock, don’t be frighten, don’t be nervous. Read with an open mind and heart. And if you don’t like what you read, don’t simply toss the key for anyone to find it. Keep it safe and always stay kind and understandable to the person who trust you to open the lock.

Like books, everyone is different. Different genres, different stories, different beginnings and different endings. Some are easy to read, some are not and some are not meant to be read. If you’re wondering what kind of book you are, in my opinion, we all have an idea of what kind of book we are but I think that really depends on the person reading us. The same book can be very different to different readers. Not everyone reads the same story the same way.

[theseswimmingthoughts]

Late night (personal) thoughts #3

Sometimes things don’t work out the way you thought it would. From the first day you were promised great things will come your way. It did for a while but then you realised something. It’s not always how you want them. You’ll realise that everything that was promised to you didn’t come the way you expect or hoped for. Sometimes it’s for the best but sometimes it’s not and honestly I’m not sure if what’s happening right now is for the best.

I wanted to do great things. I wanted to do more. I want to do everything I dream of doing and am grateful that I got that opportunity to start but right now nothing is happening. I’ve done everything I can, everything I could afford to do to make my dreams come true but I can only do so much. I can’t go far without what was promised to me. I’ve done my part so now I’m waiting but that’s all I’ve been doing. Waiting. I can’t do anything but just that and I hate it. I’m tired.

I’m tired of waiting. There’s so many things I could be doing but no I have to wait. I’m tired that it takes years to make something happen. There are things that shouldn’t take this long to happen. It shouldn’t be a one sided thing. It was supposed to be team work but I don’t see it. I’m not feeling it. I’m not happy where this is going and how it’s going. 

I’m thankful for all that was given to me. I won’t forget it but I can’t keep doing this any longer. I want out. I want to do more. I want more opportunities. I want to work my ass off and not sit around and do nothing. I did all I could but I can only do so much. The other work, I can’t do cause I’m not experience nor could I afford to do them.

I hold up my end of the bargain. Where’s yours? Where are you? I’m tired of waiting. I’m tired of nothing. I’m tired of being in this position. When the time comes, I will leave. I’m scared to but I don’t want to sit around here forever. We can work together again but I’m not happy with how this is going. I’m sorry. I may be naive, I may be wrong, but we both understand that we must do what seems right even if it’s wrong. I have to find my way. Even if I get lost, I have to find my way.

[theseswimmingthoughts]

It's Okay Not to be Okay (Spoken Word) by Afiq Nuradli

It’s okay not to be okay When sadness knocks on my door, most people will tell him to leave

Whilst I welcomed him cause I know that if I tried to leave him out he will come breaking in and I don’t have the strength to fight him

So I welcomed sadness as an old friend Because he is an old friend He is my best friend, who sleeps in my bed, eats all of my food and leave a huge mess on the floor

But it is my job as a host to make sure that My guest is comfortable that for as long as I allow him to feel at home, he will never turn aggressive

My friends told me to kick him out cause he is making my life miserable and my life will stay miserable if I let him stay and that I will be even more depressed if I don’t let happiness in

But the thing about happiness is that happiness lies He has always lied to me Gave me false hope Make me believe in things that weren’t necessarily true And make me feel like I can fly so high above the clouds only to fall down even further

Not to say that happiness is a bad person but the fact that there’s so many forms of happiness you begin to Ask yourself, which one is real?

Happiness was the one who taught me how to ride a two wheeled bike and promised to never let go but he did and I fell and cried and that’s when I met sadness

And sadness has always been honest He showed me the truth that nothing is always as it seems Nothing is always how you want them to be And that nothing is always there to protect you

Sadness has been brutally honest with me but it is not all bad because sadness was the one who taught me the meaning of pain and that I should know so I will learn to live with it

Sadness comes to me after happiness introduced me to pain and sadness made me understand what pain is and that is okay to feel it and that it is okay not to be okay

The wound will heal but the scar remains Pain will leave but sadness will stay a little longer because he will not leave until I understand what it is that I have been through and what I will do in the future

Sadness has opened my eyes to so many things not only to the bad things but good things as well eventhough as many said that sadness is a bad person But if you got to know him a little better You’d see that he is wise

Sure he makes a mess, sure he makes me angry, sure he is so annoying at times but it is better than to hear another form of happiness singing Let it go, let it go

Sadness has taught me to never trust someone so easily happiness can be a person in disguise that will rip your heart out and you will meet pain again and sadness will be there by your side

Even though I didn’t want him there but he Has comforted me and let me scream And break things and cursed only because he knows how it feels and he stays

As much as I don’t want him, I need him Because he makes me a better person and I don’t want to push away someone who made me who I am today Who taught me so much about life Who will usually, not always, help clean up the mess. And who has made me feel like I’m not alone

I learnt to be careful with whom I trust I learnt to recognised which happiness I should let in I learnt that happiness is not always a good thing but when it is I should cherish it with all my heart because sadness wants me to be happy

Yes it’s true even if you don;t believe but sadness wants you to be happy Sadness wants you to find the right happiness so you can live with it forever But he makes sure that the happiness we found will stay and he will come from time to time to remind happiness to always be kind to us.

Sadness doesn’t stay forever Only for as long as you need him He will be there He will watch your favourite movies with you He will listen to your favourite songs He will stay awake with you till 3am Because you can;t stop thinking of the last happiness That betrayed your trust

It’s okay not to be okay Because I became a better person because of it I became wiser than I was before And because of that I will always let sadness into my life He is always welcome into my home

Right now he’s gone away and I’m with happiness I may not know how long or much I can be with this current happiness but I know that sadness will come back to visit someday But until then I say goodnight old friend

[theseswimmingthoughts]

Art.Insan Family

This post is basically part 2 of the previous post about the English Drama. For this one, I wanna talk more about the production team under our college which is Art.Insan Production. Our style is indie and underground. We’re not afraid to try something new and risky. We don’t care about Best Props, Best Scenery or the other awards. Our goal is to touch people’s hearts. To make them feel like they can relate to the stories and characters. We wanna spread truths, create awareness and share stories that are real even if it’s fiction or fantasy but in them there’s truths, there’s reality. We don’t just entertain. We inspire. We become their voices. At least that’s the goal. Even if one person in the audience felt inspired and touched by what we shared then we reached our goal.

Now moving on to the play. The postmortem was extremely emotional. LABELS. is a very emotional and personal play so it was very hard for us to let it go. Being a part of Art.Insan and this play gave me the opportunity to grow closer with friends and make new amazing ones. We learned so much about each other. We were all once strangers who thought nobody could understand us. We were once afraid to open up. We once thought we were alone in this world. We once thought we were all very different which is true but each night we learned that we’re not all that different. We all have baggage, we have fears, we have insecurities, we have secrets that we thought we could never trust anyone with but we did and the best thing is that everyone accepts who you are and everyone still loves you. We’re all broken but that’s okay cause we have each other to pick up the pieces. Little by little.

Being a part of this family is by far the best thing that could happened to me. It gave me the space to be who I am and not be ashamed of that person. I’m eternally grateful to have found people who made me feel safe. Who made me feel proud. Who made me feel loved. I’m so happy to have found people who are willing to stand up for each other cause we genuinely care for one another. I would do anything for them. I fell in love with them. They’re my family who I can run to when I really need someone. They understand even though we don’t go through the same thing but they have given me the space to express and share and just be me. 

I learned to open up and share secrets and stories I never thought I’d share with anyone. I never knew how much weight I was carrying until I started opening up and I feel so great afterwards. We’ve shared our darkest secrets, we saw each other at our worst, and like I said, we help each other to pick up the pieces. 

This was my first time being involved in theater and I couldn’t ask for a better production team and experience. We laughed, we cried (a lot), we love, we care, we performed, we did our best. This is my family. We’re very broken but we love and accept each other for who we are. Fuck people’s labels on us. Fuck the things they say about us. We know who we are. We can be heroes. We can be us. Forever.

[theseswimmingthoughts]

LABELS.

After a month of rehearsals and sleepless nights, on Sunday we performed our play LABELS. for the English Drama contest. This has been a truly amazing and unforgettable experience. I loved every second of it and will miss this very dearly.

LABELS. is very close to our hearts as we all can relate to these characters one way or another. The story is very personal, emotional and very well written. I am in love with this story and it was an absolute privilege to bring my character to life.

To the cast and crew, you guys are an amazing family. Thank you for everything you’ve done to make this dream a reality. I’m so happy and grateful to get to know each and every single one of you better. I couldn’t ask for a better team. You guys are amazingly talented and special in your own way. And thank you so much for making me feel welcomed and loved and accepted. I became more and more comfortable and happy with being who I am because of you guys. Thank you.

To our amazing director Nuna, your script is amazing. No matter what people say, it’s a wonderful and inspiring story. Thank you for including all our stories in the play and thank you for giving us the opportunity to play these characters and share this story with the world. It was your amazing idea that made this story ours and honestly thank you for letting us be a part of it. I am deeply in love with it and would love to do this play again and again. You are an amazing writer and director and it will be an absolute pleasure to work with you again for any of your future projects. Hopefully we can achieve the dream of staging this play outside. Everyone deserves to be moved by it. I don’t doubt that people will love it. 

Although we didn’t win or been nominated for anything, we won. We won the hearts of the audience. Hearing their reactions and applause gave us goosebumps and it was emotionally beautiful. We won. We shared our story, we shared who we are, we touched the hearts of the audience and we had them talking. I’ve heard kind words about our play and how meaningful it is. To me, the title and trophies doesn’t matter. We won their hearts, we won their love. We won.