Okay! Time for my self indulgent head cannons.
Severus Snape took very few students for his N.E.W.T classes which was kind of obvious as passing Potions O.W.Ls with an Outstanding was almost as easy as Chudley Cannons finishing top of the list in Quidditch. But whatever nefarious schemes Minerva McGonagall seemed to cook up against her Slytherin colleague, the infuriating man just wouldn't budge.
He would give his best to the best and nothing to any lesser than that.
And that was precisely the reason why very very few students have seen a completely different version of Snape. He hadn't become warm and kind and cuddly all of a sudden but there was an almost unearthly spark of razor sharp intelligence in his usual sarcastic verbose and a surprising burst of passion in his lectures which reminded his students that the Slytherin Head of House quite deserved his sterling reputation; in academics that is.
And those few super intuitive and rare assortment of Ravenclaw, Slytherin and the occasional Hufflepuff and Gryffindor students finally manage to see past that bitter mask into the mind of an insanely genius and a wildly humorous man.
Severus was a little lose tongued with his N.E.W.T students much to their collective delighted surprise.
The man was a glacial vampire if there was one but Merlin the man was funny.
A weird kind of stoic deadpan homicidal humour but hilarious nonetheless.
Snape: ...and Mr. Haleberry is going to suddenly and violently lose his family jewels by the end of this class.
Haleberry: why sir?
Snape: would Ms. Ivanosky do the honour of explaining that if she is done staring at Ms. Sharma's lips?
*Vishakha Sharma hiding her red face in her manicured hands*
Ivanosky: *blushing madly* if you mix Vampire Bat wings to salamander blood in presence of a basic solution than your potion would explode instead of turning crystal blue like it should.
Espinoza: but what has that do with Haleberry's balls sir?
Snape: everything. Because that will lose him and his partner's entire project marks and I don't think Ms. Daniella would be very forgiving.
*Haleberry gulping and Daniella smirking nastily*
Snape: focus dunderheads, this is just the beginning.
Carthwright: Professor why did our solution turn purple ?
Snape: Ask Ms. Lopez whether staring at my arse was worth the trouble of putting cockroach's brain in the cauldron instead of its feet.
Lopez: In my defense it is a very nice arse Professor.
Snape: Climbing up and down a gazillion stairs twenty times a day would do that to anyone's derriere but thank you.
Beaufoy: *snickering* Lopez prefers ze arse is it?
Lopez: Just like you who prefers the cock Francois.
Beaufoy: que préférez-vous professeur?
Snape: pourquoi ne demandes-tu pas à ta mère Francois?
Beaufoy: wha...
Snape: The Contessa was very fond of Ancient Gaelic Romantic prose...mid coitus that is.
Beaufoy: but.. but my mother was betrothed when she was only nine...
Snape: The Count loved to watch.
Sharma: *snorting and choking like the rest except Fracois Beaufoy who looked rather green* Did you fuck all the Slytherin students' parents professor?
Snape: Most of them, there might have been a few Ravenclaws and atleast two Gryffindors.
Haleberry: Impossible! Gryffindors! No fucking way..
Snape: *looking thoughtful* Richards Madden had quite powerful legs, I still have a bruise in my left hip. And Black maybe a bastard but his cock was definitely larger than that of his brother's.
*pin drop silence in the class*
Snape: Can we get back to lesson. I have a five o'clock with the Headmaster and I need my mental facilities intact for concocting the next suicidal operation hopefully without any forced interaction with lemony sugar monsters.
The entire class bursts out laughing, of course he is a secret spy.. but Professor Snape is so bloody funny! Snape smirks oh so very lightly. Somedays he loves his vocation..
