Double Standards, Misogyny and Gender Expectations
Look. Look. Look, here. I have thoughts. I need to say something.
I’ve been writing fan fiction since 2018. I came into the fandom very late in my life. I only read the books for the first time at twenty-six. I wrote my first fanfic at twenty-seven with my partner. In eight years I have exclusively written M/M dynamics for Drarry and Wolfstar with some background/past Hinny.
If anyone is familiar with Blood Magic or Death, and Other Origin Stories then you already know that the stuff I write tends to be pretty fucking heavy. I’ve written about cruelty, abuse, and fucked up trauma and how that impacts intimate relationships. And that’s nothing unique, it’s a cornerstone of fan fiction. And in eight years, writing these generally fucked up male characters I’ve, a) gotten a lot of engagement, and b) most of it positive.
There’s obviously people who have reached out and asked that I adjust tags or create better warnings for readers who want to avoid certain things. Some readers disagree with my characterisations or the behaviours that characters engage with/allow. And that’s fine! Everyone can have their feelings. And I’m happy for feedback and to hear people’s thoughts and how my writing has impacted them.
There’s generally agreed upon rules of etiquette and engagement that I try to adhere to, and expect others to respect as well.
But, in eight years, writing two epics and a million little one shots, I have never received the amount of resounding hate that I am getting right now for writing my first female POV fic. And, I am utterly baffled by it.
An Ever Fixed Mark is my love letter to a complicated, flawed, and otherwise very human, very nineteen year old Lily Evans. And ya’ll hate it. So much so that you’re reaching out to tell me just how much you hate it. How awful Lily is, how abusive. That she’s toxic and gaslighting. That James has no self-esteem and Lily’s taking advantage of him. That the BAMF Mother Saviour of the wizarding world COULD NEVER be this fallible and how deplorable for me to suggest it without calling it Lily Bashing.
juniperpyre really nailed Lily’s place within the fandom with their lily evans potter: womanhood, motherhood & morality post and I hope they don’t mind me referring to it as a great example of how the fandom has shifted around Lily to maintain her patron saint status as the perfect woman. Its a great bit of reading to mull over.
Because the double standards I am seeing for my male POV fics and this female POV fic is astounding.
Readers seem to have so much patience for Remus and Sirius, Harry and Draco, even when they’re being awful human beings. And I have written these characters being profoundly problematic is a number of ways. Even when they’re scraping the bottom of the barrel of their own humanity, there’s a well of collective fandom empathy for them. And that’s good! We should have patience and empathy and give grace to complicated characters, we should seek to understand why people behave the way they do. It’s one of the brilliant things about the fandom. But why isn't that grace extended to female characters?
Because, as @thistlecatfics pointed out to me recently, we seemed to be allergic to flawed, complicated, or god forbid, selfish women. We have zero patience for them. The moment they stray out of the light of acceptability, of their predetermined archetype, the moment they’re selfish or mean, we’re only too quick to start the witch hunt. Which is WILDLY ironic considering what fandom we’re in.
This is patriarchy ya’ll. Plain and simple. And this isn’t unique to Lily as a character, I’ve seen this in so many ways over the years. This is just my first experience at the helm of a ship so many of you are trying to sink.
I’ve been binging Brave Face by zoe_millin_writes (for which my offer of blood oaths and my fealty is still firmly on the table, btw). I’ve been rereading certain passages over and over because its the only thing keeping my sanity afloat amid the apocalyptic hellscape of reality lately. And one of the things I adore about this fic is how mean this author has made Sirius. He is kind of a fucking nightmare. He’s confused and petulant and spoiled and he lashes out at the slightest provocation and it’s so bloody compelling it makes me want to eat my phone. I’m obsessed.
He’s the culmination of his era, his abusive household, and his complicated feelings. He’s beautifully flawed and I love him.
I bring this fic up, not only to convince you all to go read it immediately, which you should. Right now. But to say that the Lily I wrote in AEFM is a mere fraction as obnoxious, cruel, self indulgent, and toxic as this Sirius.
But because she’s Lily, because she’s a female character, because she has a prescribed role in the fandom as this perfect bastion of civil rights, the mother martyr, the brilliant exceptional Muggleborn, the archetype for all that is good, what a good woman is and should be— call me crazy, but I think ya’ll are crucifying this version of her for simply being human because of deep seated misogyny.
And the thing is, I really don’t care if my Lily is unlikable to clearly a lot of people. I wrote a character who has repeatedly made morally bad choices but who also has not once in this entire fic tried to justify those choices. She has continuously recognised that she's not being fair, that she has made cruel, selfish, and unkind decisions, and that she's trying to do better by being honest about it
But, even if I did write the worst most horribly abusive, toxic, cruel version of Lily to exist. Who… cares? Its fanfiction. I am writing the character and the story I want to see. Lily as I imagine her. A 19 yr old child soldier who’s scared of her life being over. I literally don't have to justify any of it nor does it mean I'm condoning her behaviour as good? I have tagged as appropriately as I can, you’ve been warned.
If people don't agree with me that I think this is a likeable and compelling version of her, that's totally fine. The exit button on the browser exists. I am not forcing anyone to read this or asking for anyone's approval or permission to continue this story.
What I do care about, is people forgetting the tenants of fandom etiquette and coming into my comment section pretending to have the moral high ground to say that I’m doing something wrong. That I’m condoning toxic and abusive behaviours by writing this version of her. That I’m somehow engaging in Lily bashing by doing so. That I am doing something wrong because of how I choose to portray her while still having the audacity to love her anyways.
Because no, you don’t have the moral high ground here, you have some serious internalised misogyny compelling you to police me and this very normal, relatable human behaviour I’m daring to write this character engaging with. If you don’t like it, leave. Leave me and my nightmare Lily alone and go write your own.
