Every character i ever write will inevetably be neuro divergent coded because i can not for the life of me figure out how the fuck neuro typical people function.
i don't think there's anything more human than annotating a book. you have a physical copy of thousands upon thousands of words- words that are meaningless, unless put together in the perfect way- and within those meaningless words, you find the meaning. you find what you're meant to find, and you make note of it. you make note of it so, when you come back, you're filled with that emotion. that lovely feeling, that heartbreak, that pain and sadness and anger and laughter and suddenly it isn't just a physical copy of thousands upon thousands of words. it's more like home.
and don't get me started on how it feels to see other people's annotations. seeing the thoughts and feelings of other people, splayed right there on the page; it's a window, isn't it? it's a way to see what they're processing. what sticks out to them, what makes them feel, what makes them tick. is there anything more human than that, seeing a person's heart and soul with your own eyes, among a physical copy of thousands upon thousands of words? they take in these words and, in return, give the physical copy something of themselves. and i think that's absolutely breathtaking.
my dad likes to call the stretches of time where you’re not creating “dreaming periods” and says that they’re meant to allow you to absorb all of the beauty, life, and inspiration from the things around you so that when you’re able to create again, you will have fanned your spark back into a flame. sometimes its hard to see those moments as anything but stagnation, but he always says that they’re natural and healthy and needed—things that should be embraced rather than feared.
writing fanfiction is just. i’m being so creative and original. i’m plagiarizing everyone by accident. i’m a genius. i’m cringe. i’m too angsty. i’m too cheesy. this is not in character. it doesn’t matter that it’s not in character because these are my characters now. i love my hobby. this is the worst possible use of my time. i’m seeking validation. i’m projecting my own personal problems onto this story and i’m barely hiding it. i know so many words and i’m using all of them wrong. im on tumblr posting about it instead of writing it.
Listen. Do it for the aesthetic. If you want to fill an entire 20 dollar sketchbook with anatomy drawings fucling do it. If you wanna get lost in the woods and come stumbling home with a bag of dried mushrooms and bones you go goblin dude. You aren't alive to go to work and hurt!! You're alive because bumblebees bump into little flowers and dandelions only open up in the sun! You're alive because cats purr when you pet them and coffee keeps you up all night!! Do everything for the aesthetic!!
Chan was many things, but he had never thought himself unkind, it was something he had drilled into himself since he was a child.
He would never become like his parents.
He was raised on so little love; he had a family name to uphold before anything else. Regardless, as a child he vowed to never let his heart become some cold, hard thing. He would always hold on to the best part of himself and in the same way he’d cling to the best parts of others. Perhaps that’s why Changbin and him were destined to be Parabatai. They were the two sides of one coin, him and Changbin. Truthfully, he trusted Changbin’s judgement more than his own sometimes. He trusted him more than himself too.
And yet, his blood was on fire and he’d dropped Jisung’s unconscious body with a resounding thud against the wooden floor in complete and utter shock at what he was seeing.
You, the girl he thought he loved wrapped around his parabatai. You stumbled forward off the table fixing your dress as you did, hair wet and dishevelled.
He hated the way your small, desperate voice tugged on his heart, “Chan, I’m so sor-“
He held up a hand to silence you, “We have a mission to finish,”
“Chan, please-“ Changbin began, reaching for his arm. Chan shot him a look he didn’t know he had in him and he instantly backed off.
Changbin stepped back, you shoved Changbin's shirt that he had wearing into his hands. Chan could see the tears that threatened to fall, the way you were no doubt tormenting yourself in your head. As if you could be made to feel the torment Chan was feeling.
“Jisung’s awake,” Yeji said in bated breath, Chan kneeled down to where the blue haired half Seelie he’d once called brother sat against the wall.
Felix was in danger, he needed to save him.
He needed to focus on something. Anything to take his mind off what he had just seen. The betrayal he felt hurt more than the heartbreak and it threatened to consume him whole if he didn’t.
“Oh, you’re going to pay for this,” He spat words filled with venom, his gaze filled with sinister intent. He surveyed the room and each and every one in it like a predator and its prey, “Help yourselves and take her to the queen and maybe she’ll show you mercy,”
Chan met Jisung’s gaze, behind all that malice there was something else. Maybe fear, maybe something entirely different. Nothing much had changed about the boy, he still looked like the kid he’d known since he was a child. Him, Changbin and Jisung. A trio so unlikely and confusing. The only son of a famous Shadowhunter family, the son of a family filled with disgrace and a cast out half-breed. They’d been like family, made promises to never let each other fight alone, be each other’s support whenever it was needed and above all never betray each other.
Figures.
“Felix was your friend too, Jisung, I know you care about him too,” Chan pleaded with Jisung, “You never wanted to be here, I’m sorry that I didn’t fight hard enough to keep you with us we were like brothers and we promised to never betray each other,” He dared a glance to his Parabatai, he knew that he winced at that and he hated how much he felt happy that he did.
“It’s a little late for that, don’t you think?” Jisung laughed dryly, throwing his head back. He stood up with some effort and Chan’s hand instantly went to his weapons as did everyone in the room, “How’s that Shax demon bite healing up?”
“He’s fine, no thanks to you, you dick,” Changbin barked, crossing his arms over his chest.
“I noticed,” Jisung said, his eyes running over Chan like he was no more than a minor inconvenience, “I must say, she’s quite well versed in the art of fucking around with little Shadowhunter boys’ hearts, like mother like daughter I suppose, ”
It was a matter of seconds before you had bounded forward, pulling a blade from Chan’s holster at his side and holding it against the Seelie boy’s neck, “Don’t you dare speak about my mother, make fun of me all you want but my parents sacrificed everything for me,”
“Over my dead fucking body,” Changbin muttered under his breath, Chan supposed no one was supposed to have heard it but he did. They could agree on that.
“A pity then that you’re going to amount to nothing just like her,” Jisung chuckled, a finger pushing the blade away from his neck ever so slightly. You replied by pushing it closer to his neck,
“Give yourself up to the queen if you want to honour them so badly, save Felix and everyone else you love, I’ll bring you to her myself,” Jisung taunted you.
It was somewhat heart-warming to see Changbin care so much for something, someone again. For so long, it seemed like the only thing he lived for was killing. Killing demons, killing everyone involved with his father’s death like some avenging angel and Chan often worried that once there were no demons left, no more villains or bad things…
But of all people why did it have to be you?
There was nothing else Changbin seemed to want to live for, yet he was wrong.
Chan had seen the way Changbin would look at you when he thought no one was looking.
“You know you could simply just renounce your claim to the Queen’s throat,” Jisung said in a matter of fact tone as he stepped back from your blade and promptly plopped down on Yeji’s couch much to her audible disdain.
“Renounce my claim? Is it that simple, no hidden death clause or what not” You asked, curious,
“There will always be a price to pay, something or rather someone's gotta give and all,”
Chan and Changbin exchanged worried glances at the look in your eyes. The way you were calculating your losses in your head, Seelies could not lie but they could speak in riddles and something about that answer seemed much too simple. Jisung wasn’t telling the whole truth.
“What is the price?” Changbin asked, his lips pressed into thin line and his features marred by the intensity of the glare he regarded Jisung with.
“I assume we’ll find out when we get to the Queen’s court, no?” Jisung beamed back at Changbin like he was exchanging a funny joke.
“Jisung, explain the price,” Changbin urged, stepped forward as if he meant to attack the boy. Chan stuck an arm out in front of him to stop him.
“You don’t know what she’ll ask me to give up to ensure my good word, do you?” You sighed in annoyance.
“I don’t indeed, she could ask you for anything and you should probably hurry and get a move on because Felix has…” Jisung glanced outside for a second, “A few hours at best I think,”
“I have to do it, I have to renounce my claim, I’ll give up whatever she asks of me,” You looked at Chan with those eyes of yours, you had already made up your mind. You were going to do this whether he liked it or not.
“But what if-“ Changbin began but was cut off by you,
“My parents died trying to keep me safe, I will not let someone else die because of me, no one,” Your words were laced with a steely conviction that showed in your posture and tone of voice. ”We’re going to the Seelie Court, we are going to save Felix and I am going to renounce that which is my heritage,” You stated and no one dared to challenge you. It was almost like that royal blood in you was showing.
“Well, that was terribly dramatic and if that’s all, could you all please get a move on and get out of my house?” Yeji smiled in the most unnatural and fake way possible, “Change into something more appropriate, why don’t you, girl?”
“So, can we untie my wrists and let me go now?” Jisung gestured to his bindings, “They’re honestly starting to chafe,”
Changbin made his way to Jisung, Jisung rolled his eye at him, “Can’t someone else unti-“
Jisung didn’t get to finish his sentence as Changbin had knocked the boy right out of his seat on the couch and out cold
“That’s for Chan and Felix, asshat,”
“Chan…” You had placed a gentle hand on Chan’s arm, breaking him out of his train of thought, “If you’d just let me explain-“
“We have a mission to finish,” Chan said simply once again even if it killed him to see the way your face fell as he moved away from you without so much as a glance. He couldn’t deal with this right now, it simply had to wait, “To the Queen’s court, then?”
You nodded, “I’d better put something else on,”
He couldn’t disagree with that, the dress you wore which was presumably Yeji’s did little in the way of covering you. The silky material clinging to your every curve and most likely terrible to fight in.
And oh, he hoped and prayed that a fight was not going to happen. Technically they were already breaking laws just being here and he was in no mental state to fight. He drew on Changbin’s strength more often than he’d like to admit and he needed that moment of clarity simply to face him before heading into any fight but right now he could barely look at Changbin.
He was about to let the girl he loved walk right into the lap of danger in hopes of saving his other closest friend and he didn’t even feel like he could talk to the person that was supposed to be like his brother about everything he felt.
He had always thought that there was an immense strength in being soft but right now, he hated that fact about himself.
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taglist: @synnocence
(please let me know if you’d like to be on the taglist x)
Sorry about the shorter part!
I’m writing finals so I’m taking a bit of a break for now to focus on that. I will be back in about three to four weeks <3
what are your thoughts on the chan/yn/changbin dilemma? are you rooting for changbin or hoping everything works out with chan?
warnings: foul language, some spicy spice aka explicit content towards the end
see here for a glossary of terms used
masterlist
hope you like my versions of our favourite pair of parabatai <3
Unfortunately, the warmth of another did not soothe you here. You had woken abruptly, eyes wet and a sleeping Chan next to you. You sat up, taking a deep breath as you ran your fingers through your hair. Scanning your surroundings, it was early morning as far as you could tell. It was not entirely dark, and the dew sat heavy on the tree leaves. You looked at Chan, sound asleep. You pushed the curls that had fallen into his face out of the way with a smile tugging on the corners of your lips despite the terrible nightmare that had shocked you awake. You looked around once again, looking for Changbin.
He was no longer in his spot against the tree, he must’ve woken up earlier than you. You looked around for him, just as you began to worry about his whereabouts when he emerged from the forest. Sleeves rolled up all the way, blades in hand and sweat gleaming on his brow.
You immediately felt on guard especially after the way you’d been tricked,
“Tell me something about you only I’d know?” You demanded in a low voice, Changbin looked at you perplexed.
You held his gaze, “I prefer my left side over my right when fist fighting because I hurt my right knee and shoulder when I was a kid,”
Changbin told you that one day after practice, he’d reminded you to always find someone’s tells when fighting an opponent stronger than you. This was after he’d had you pinned to the floor at least ten times over while the two of you had sparred.
You nodded slowly, “With Chan before you became parabatai before runes, you said it was a stupid mistake,” You whispered, sparing a glance over at the somehow still sleeping Shadowhunter.
You tucked your blades back into their sheaths at your thigh, you still didn’t feel very comfortable facing Changbin without remembering the way that shape-shifting faerie had deceived you. The things you’d thought, the things you had done knowing you were with Chan. You hated your own desires, and it was like they were being shoved in your face when you looked at Changbin and they had scared you so much you’d killed that faerie.
“You should get some more rest,” He said as he walked past you, reaching for his backpack and pulling out a bottle of water, “We’ve got a long trip ahead of us, on foot nonetheless,”
“I’m fine,” You replied shortly,
You imagined he’d be rolling his eyes at you though you didn’t face him, “It would be nice if you looked at me when I’m talking to you,”
You heard Changbin sigh and then felt his hand on your shoulder, you involuntarily flinched away at the touch. Silently cursing yourself for it afterward. Changbin stepped back from you, hands thrown up in front of him in mock surrender. You were about to cover your tracks with a snide remark when rustling broke your train of thought.
Chan was awake, hair a mess but nevertheless a smile on his face, “You know, it’s ass in the morning, I just woke up and I really don’t feel like breaking up yet another of your arguments,”
His words were punctuated with a yawn and a good stretch before he stood up, making his way to your side, and greeting you with a kiss on the forehead and a ruffle of your hair.
Changbin rolled his eyes before pulling some energy bars from his seemingly never-ending backpack,
“Eat up,” He tossed the both of you some energy bars, “We need to get moving, I don’t want to spend another night here out in the open,”
“As much as I’d like to you know bask in the scenery it is best we get moving,” Chan said and with that you were all packing what little you had up and were on the move. “Bin, lead the way,”
With that the three of you began walking, the walk was quiet. The silence gave you time to think, you looked at the back of Changbin’s head. It was so stupid of you to think that the faerie had been him, he was much too nice. Maybe the faerie only said what you secretly wanted to hear and that’s why you’d believed the façade so easily.
The walk drawled on till you’d forgotten how far you’d walked already, you ignored the ache of your feet and pushed forward. Chan offered you one of his beautiful smiles as he took your had, squeezing it ever so slightly like he was trying to cheer you up. You smiled back at him mouthing a thank you,
“If I remember correctly, this is where we’re most likely to find her, she lives nearby but she’s always at the faerie revels down there,” Changbin gestured towards to a little house that looked exactly the way you’d imagine a faerie’s house to look, minus the whole mushroom roof thing but the stone walls were covered with moss and vines like how you’d imagined as a kid.
Changbin sighed, “Follow me I guess,” He knocked on the door and it opened almost immediately.
You were greeted by a beautiful girl; her hair was a shade of liquid silver and so were her eyes that greatly resembled a cat. You were unsettled by the intensity of her eyes, they seemed to see right through you as she scanned the three of you in front of her door, “Are you trying to get me killed? Get inside!”
She yanked Changbin inside by his ear and you stifled a laugh as you moved inside her house, “You’ve got some nerve showing your faces here especially with her around!”
Changbin carefully pried his ear free from the silver haired faerie’s grip, “Nice to see you too, Yeji,”
“Don’t nice to see you, me!” She said, slamming her door shut after a quick peak through the windows. She pulled the drapery shut before spinning around, hands on her hips, “It’s a damned miracle you weren’t followed, everyone here knows how she looks and how the Queen wants her and to top it all off everyone saw her at a revel last night and next thing we know the sentries find a dead shifter faerie in the forest nearby,”
Both Changbin and Chan looked at you, surprised, “Nice piece of information to conveniently leave out, y/n!”
Chan shot Changbin a warning look, “She was terrified when we found her, I didn’t expect her to talk about what happened, lay off, Bin,”
You were more over shocked that Chan and Changbin were disagreeing than anything else, “I messed up I’m sorry,” You said, looking at your hands tightly wound in front of you.
“Sorry my ass, what do you idiots with a death wish want?” Yeji glared at you, she switched her icy gaze over to Chan.
“We need to talk to Jisung and we need your help to find him,” Changbin explained, Yeji threw her head back laughing, “There is no way in hell you’ll get to him but I can bring him here,”
Changbin’s features immediately lit up at the prospect, “Perfect then I can beat his face in and then force him to help us get into the Queen’s court and save Felix,”
Chan seemed to be mulling over the situation at hand, you knew that look in his eye, “What’s the catch?”
“Well, Chan’s coming with me of course, I can’t haul a considerably well-built male’s body here by myself now can I?” Yeji said, analysing her nails, “I’m sure as hell not asking Changbin to help me, he’s as good as banned from Faerie with all the shit he pulled when we were seeing each other,”
“Chan is as good as nameless here anyway,” Yeji finished, her eyes roamed over Chan’s form in a way that you most definitely did not like.
However it’s not like you had much of a decision in it. Chan would go no matter what, his vicious sense of duty and all. You tried not think about the fact that you were once again being left alone with Changbin, it’d be fine. You could handle a few hours of that, right?
“The plan is simple, I’m going to waltz right into Jisung’s lodging and coax him out and that’s when I need Chan to do the old knock him out and we bring him here where you can interrogate him as much as you like,” Yeji explained, her feline eyes reflecting a sense of impending chaos, “You won’t get near him without me,”
“And no one’s going to notice Chan hauling Jisung’s body all the way here?” Changbin asked, a brow lifted in a sceptical way,
“Of course not, I have my ways, trust me as you did in the past,” She shot him a wink, “What do you say, pretty boy?”
“Alright-“ Changbin and Chan said at the same time, both looking at each other for a second before bursting out in laughter.
“I meant Chan,” Yeji smiled, slipping her arm into the crook of Chan’s. You glared at her, Chan politely stepped away, “When do we leave?”
“Well right now of course, dusk is ready to fall,” Yeji smiled, she looked even more catlike with that expression, “I am dressed the part already,”
You hadn’t noticed her attire till she mentioned it, she was dressed extravagantly after all. You suddenly felt very ratty in your day old clothes and missing a shower. Chan nodded slowly, he took Changbin’s hand the way they always did before they left on mission. Followed by a hug and a touching of forehead to forehead,
“Parabatai, I must admit I’d love to be the jam in that sandwich,” Yeji said, “Alas, I’d hate to break them apart or make them fight but you must love the attention, no?”
You resisted the urge to throttle the faerie, “Word of advice, y/n, choose the Blondie that Changbin is more trouble than he’s worth,”
Yeji pushed a few strands of your hair back, analysing your face with your chin between her two fingers. Long nails scratching your skin, “There’s a bath out back to the left, Changbin knows the way, you need it and feel free to wear some of my clothes,”
Chan walked towards you and Yeji promptly took her leave of you to stand and wait by the front door after taking a beautifully embroidered coat off a hook. Chan looked at you like really looked at you. He brought you into his arms and you breathed in the scent of him, holding tightly to him. You knew he’d come back to you, he always did.
“Try not to kill Changbin while I’m gone?” He laughed, patting your head.
You sighed in response, “No promises,”
“I love you,” Chan said, pressing a chaste kiss to your lips.
You smiled into the kiss, “Go before Yeji drags you across the floor with her!”
And with that they were off into the night, closing the door behind them and only then did you realise something. You hadn’t said I love you back.
You turned around, scanning the interior of Yeji’s house and Changbin in the middle of it, “Her bathroom is down the hall, first door on your left,”
You nodded your head, still not feeling up to facing him especially while you were alone. You followed Changbin’s instruction leading to the bathing room. It was extravagant to say the least, it was more of a rock pool filled with gleaming water. Light seemed to pour in from the cracks in the stone of the wall.
You let yourself for the first time since entering Faerie, take a moment to look at yourself in one of many mirrors on the wall.
God, you looked like a mess. Pure, hammered shit. You looked exhausted for one not to mention your dirty hair and the dirt under your fingernails, no doubt blood of that faerie splattered in tiny splotches on your vest which had been the only thing you’d managed to save. You’d slipped Chan’s extra hoodie on over it, leaving your blood splattered top to rot at the bottom of a lake. You wanted to cry all over again, remembering what you’d done and the way you’d felt chasing after the fake Chan and then ‘killing’ Changbin well the fake version of him the Faerie had morphed into.
You sighed as you pulled off your clothes and slipped into the water. You submerged yourself completely, welcoming the silence. You washed off as best you could. Grabbing the robe that lay neatly folded next to the body of water, it was made of a mix of gossamer and silk material. Completely white and felt borderline heavenly on your skin. You tried your best to wash your clothes out as well, ringing it out to dry.
You dried your hair out as best you could with a fluffy towel before padding to what you assumed was Yeji’s room, some sort of soft mattress-like thing upon a raised stone platform. You looked at her wardrobe, she had said you could wear her clothes. You opened the door to her wardrobe and you were greeted by a collection of fine silks, satins and basically everything pretty but extremely impractical. You sighed as you picked the least see-through thing you could find. A dainty pale blue satin slip dress that you presumed must be some sort of nightdress. You padded out from Yeji’s bedroom to where Changbin was sat at the table, eating yet another energy bar.
“Bath’s free,” You said simply, head down and arms folded over your chest. He let out a strained cough before he stood up, nodding as he walked off to the bathroom. You listened to his footsteps fade out as he walked.
You sighed, sitting down on the chair he’d left. You were left alone with your thoughts again, a dangerous game. You thought about everything that had happened, everything that was going to happen. You didn’t know how long that went on. You were so absorbed in your thoughts that you hadn’t heard Changbin come out from the bathing room.
Not until he was kneeling in front of your seated self, his voice tender and gentle, “Y/N, are you okay?”
He asked, eyes filled with an unfamiliar sense of concern. Hair clearly still wet and smelling of something fresh and the unmistakable scent of him. You hated how beautiful he looked as he asked you such a simple question. Clothed in a fresh t-shirt that clung to his wet skin. It made you want to wrap your arms around his neck, breath that smell in and let him hold you and you hated yourself for it.
You suddenly stood up, narrowly missing kneeing him in the face, “I’m fine,”
“What the hell is your problem?! I don’t understand what I did to you that you’re being like this?!”
“Like what, Changbin? The way you treat me? It doesn’t feel nice to be on the receiving end, huh?!” You knew you were just grasping at straws but if you weren’t angry at him you were scared of what else you would feel for him.
“Don’t turn this shit on me, what the hell happened with you that you’re acting like this?!” Changbin barked back, his blank stare unrelenting. You clutched the edge of the table, knuckles white with the pressure.
“You happened! It’s always you! You fuck my mind up, I can’t think straight, and nothing makes sense and I don’t need this right now!” You screamed at him, he chuckled dryly throwing his head back before looking at you with a look that both scared you and made you feel something else entirely. He stepped forward, you following with trying to step back but you couldn’t not with the table behind you.
“And you think you’re the only one that’s struggling?! While I have to watch you kiss my best fucking friend, my brother, my Parabatai and I should be happy for him I should let him have this happiness after everything he’s given up for me but it has to be you that he wants that he loves?” He laughed dryly yet again, “Every time he holds you, every time he kisses you, touches you, gets to be the one you run to when you’re afraid, gets to be the one you fall asleep next too, I wish it was me and I wish he was never there,”
“You don’t mean that, he’s-“ You tried to say but he cut you off,
“Oh but I fucking do, princess, I’m not as good as him and I never have been and if you had chosen me Chan would never think about you the way I do, he would not thinking about showing you everything the world has to offer or about reading you to sleep and definitely not about slamming you down on this table, kissing every inch of your skin and making sure you forget everyone else’s name except mine,”
His gaze flicked to your lips for split second and a pause of intense silence before both of your lips collided in a fiery mess. He made true on his words and grabbed you by the hips slamming you down on the table. You couldn’t keep up with the ferocity of it all, his tongue relentless in dominating your own. Your fingers carding through his wet hair, tugging slightly causing an utterly delightful groan to come from him.
His hand running a trail of heat from your hip to wrap around your throat gently, he paused for a moment, “Tell me if you want this because if you don’t I will step away right now and this will never have happened,”
You couldn’t focus on anything but the feeling of him between your thighs, all rational thought long out the window. You nodded frantically; his eyes darkened in a way you didn’t think was possible with how dark they already were. He slipped his hand from your throat to the small of your back, bringing your bodies even closer so you were flush against his own chest. He began his trail of fire down your neck, slipping the thin strap of the dress down your shoulder and replaced that with his lips.
Your eyes fluttered closed, the only thing you could make out was him. He hitched the satin dress up to your thighs, his hands gently squeezing the bare skin there. You hadn’t gone as far as to steal Yeji’s underwear, so you had a decided lack thereof right now.
Your own hands ran down his hard abdomen, pushing at his shirt. He noticed your struggle and the both of you laughed into your kiss, he broke away for a few seconds to reach behind his neck and pull his shirt off. In the midst of your laughing, your lips met in another heated kiss.
You watched him fall to his knees in front of you. He looked up at you as if searching for some sense of approval, you only offered a slow nod and that’s all the permission he needed before he began kissing the inside of your thigh where it was warm and unbelievably soft.
Feather light kisses sending heat pooling to your core. His hand gripped tightly on your other thigh, the look he gave you as he made his way to your center felt like enough to make you come undone right there and then. One hand clutched the edge of the table, knuckles white and the other was lost in his raven hair. You gasped as he pressed feather light kisses to your heat,
“S-stop teasing,” You stuttered out, he chuckled at your complaint.
“Don’t be impatient and keep still for me won’t you, love?” Changbin said, voice many octaves deeper.
You pushed his head closer to where you needed him and by the Angel, the man knew how to use his tongue. You couldn’t help the sounds that came from you as his full lips worked wonders on you and the pleading whines of his name that left you whenever he stopped to kiss your inner thighs simply to tease you.
Then you were coming undone all over his tongue and he ate like a man starved but eating his last meal, a calculated mess. He worshipped your body like you were some goddess above and then defiled your everything in the most perfect way.
You were surely going to Hell for this, for him maybe even with him, your gravest sin.
“I can get you into Faerie but I cannot promise you an escape,” Hyunjin stated simply, he leaned against his desk. Clad in a silk robe over what you presumed was his sleepwear. Extravagant as ever, his long now blonde locks brushing his shoulders. His gaze was hard, unchanging but he refused to meet your eye.
“You knew my parents, you said they were your family make good on that and help me, please,” You contemplated literally getting on your knees and begging him, you had to do this and you were running out of time, “Hyunjin, I need to do this,”
Hyunjin sighed with a quick snap of his fingers, he produced a hair tie and began pulling his hair up into a little knot. He began rummaging around in his shelves that lined the walls of his study, “By the way, have you decided on the dark haired one or the other fake blonde or both because I’d like to say that warlock’s studys are often enchanted so your heated daliance in here was not a good idea unless you enjoy the thrill of voyeurism,”
Your cheeks immediately flamed but you stood your ground “That’s none of your business, leave the two of them out of this,”
“So we’re yet undecided? Faeries do love their little love games, the Faerie blood is truly strong with you, hmm?” Hyunjin chuckled as pushed books aside, finally procuring a little box.
“Your two suitors are quite persistent,” Hyunjin glared at the door, “I did a favour for your parents and that favour got them killed, I don’t wish to send their only child to her death either,”
“I’ll be okay,” You lied through your teeth, preying he didn’t see right through you, “I’ve always had a plan, I promise I’ll be fine,”
“Figures, that’s what your mother told me before your father and her ran away,” Hyunjin laid a map in your hands, he held your hand for a moment. His grave expression marred his pretty face.
“Thank you Hyunjin,” You gripped the map tightly, you had a sudden realisation of massive debt you owed this warlock. He had protected you for years when you were a child, kept track of you and helped your parents and now you in your time of need.
You hugged him firmly, he seemed to be stunned for a few seconds before you felt him hug you back. He smelt of sage and cinnamon, somehow comforting like some distant memory you had shoved far into the recess of your mind and only now remembered fully. “Thank you for everything,”
“You don’t have to thank me, I owe your parents a great debt, there is a history there you might never understand,” Hyunjin laughed, a bittersweet look in his eyes, “Now you must go before your gentlemen caller- I mean callers come break my door down,”
“This map was a gift from.. a friend and it changes as Faerie changes, it will also show you exits when you need them, I can portal you close to the Seelie Court but you’ll still have to make some of the trip by foot,” Hyunjin explained, you nodded in understanding, ”You are stronger than you think, you have faerie blood and that means you have magic in your blood,”
“Be safe, little one,” Hyunjin smiled, the tips of fingers fluttered with that silver fire and a whirling portal of magenta, forest green and every other colour appeared in front of you. You gave him once last look, holding the map tighter to your chest before you closed your eyes and stepped into the swirling colours.
When you opened your eyes you were standing in the most beautiful forest you had ever seen. It was in full bloom as if it was the peak of Spring, everything was almost too perfect looking. The colours too bright and the dew on the leaves sparkled a little too brightly.
Nevertheless it was beautiful. You took a deep breath, grounding yourself. You were in Faerieland. The place your mother had run away from. You looked at the map Hyunjin had given you, planning your route and with a final deep breath you had began your journey to the Seelie Court. You walked and you walked, ignoring the ache in your bones and the protest of your mind. You lost track of time, the land had been bathed in sunlight when you had arrived and now it was dark. You looked up into the sky at too perfect stars and you suddenly wondered how Chan and Changbin were and if they were worried about you. You knew Chan would be worried out of his mind, he’d blame himself and try to come after you but you hoped Changbin would be his voice of reason.
The sound of music and revelry broke you out of your thoughts. The music seemed so familiar, it drew you in and you followed it. You wanted to be like people you saw then, they were carefree. Dancing and drinking, not a problem in the world. They smiled and laughed, their clothes or lack thereof moving with them.
“I’ve been looking for you everywhere,” A scarily familiar voice came from behind you. You spun around, blade instantly in hand. It immediately fell when you saw who was behind you.
“Changbin?!” You exclaimed, you were beyond confused. How did he figure out where you went, how did he find you here? Then again, he was a long trained Shadowhunter maybe he was as good as he bragged, “What are you doing here?”
“I needed to find you, I have to tell you something,” He said, his eyes filled with sincerity. He took your hand in his, “Come with me, quickly,”
“No!” You exclaimed, ripping your hand from his grip, “I need to go to the Seelie Court, I have too,”
Changbin suddenly smashed his lips against yours, rough and piercing. You responded despite how much you hated it with the same ferocity. You had forgotten the way his lips felt against yours. You let your hands wrap around his neck, pulling him in close. He held you at the waist firmly. Something didn’t feel right. Something felt off, the way he placed his hands or maybe it was the way it lacked that intensity and desperation you remembered. Maybe it was you or maybe it had just been too long. It was just you, wasn’t it?
“Come with me, y/n…” He whispered into your ear, it sent shivers down your spine. You nodded in a daze of lust, confusion floating away.
You followed with his hand tightly around your own, he moved quickly and you stumbled to keep up with him. The next thing you knew, you were in the middle of the revel you had been gazing at earlier. You were enveloped by the music and surrounded by the swaying bodies, the sights and smells. You heard the unfamiliar and almost unnatural sound of Changbin laughing as he handed you a glass of something, you hadn’t realised how thirsty you were and downed it in one go.
Everything drew you in, you couldn’t help the sway of your body. Your hands in Changbin’s, you danced. Your smiles mirroring each others, he spun you around and around. You laughed so hard your stomach hurt, you wanted to pull him closer but your hand grabbed for nothing but air. You immediately panicked. You whirled around looking for him but you found another face in the midst of the chaos of bodies.
A face you would recognise anywhere and that made your heart ache with longing. A dimpled smile, bleach blonde hair and pretty brown eyes but the warmth was missing. It was strange. He only looked at you in despair, his face instantly falling as he saw you. Chan had looked at you then with so much sadness and contempt, it felt like he had all but ripped your heart from your ribcage with his bare hands.
“Chan?” You asked, confusion made your head start swirling. You stumbled, trying to push through bodies to get to the safety of him but he was too far away. You pushed and you pushed but you couldn’t get through, it felt like the air was thinning around you.
You tried to get to him but you just couldn’t.
You fell to your hands and knees. The soil under your hands getting under your fingernails, you tried to focus on something, anything but everything in front of you, all the colours and all the sounds were blurring into one and you couldn’t grasp at anything. Tears began streaming down your cheeks, cries for help getting stuck in your throat and no one even noticed. You clawed at the ground, you forced yourself to stand on weak, shaky knees. You stumbled forward, you all but tumbled out of the crowd.
Once you were free of the bodies, you backed yourself up against a tree. Sliding down to the floor, cradling your knees. You shut your eyes tightly, trying to gain some sense of awareness of what was going on around you.
“Y/N please…” That voice, Changbin’s voice again or was it Chan?
“No! Leave me alone!” You screamed, jumping to your feet with both of your blades in hand. Changbin’s face twisted into a smirk, he advanced towards you, “Stay away from me, don’t touch me!”
You hadn’t registered that you attacked really, both your blades piercing clean through his chest. Blood seeping through the white shirt he wore, you screamed when you had realised what you’d done. You held onto your blades tightly, they were the only things securing you to the now. You watch him fall to the floor with a thud, you stared at his body in shock. A sour taste of bile coating your mouth. You wiped the blood on your hands off on your clothes desperately, what had you done?
You did the thing you knew best, you ran.
You ran through the trees, scared and in no particular direction you just ran till your lungs burned. You tripped over something your blades flying out in front of you and you landing hard on your stomach. You wheezed, tears still streaming down your face. What had you done? You were a monster. A killer. You had killed him.
“Y/N? Is that you?!” That voice, that was his voice. You were going insane, you had to be, your own mind was making it’s own way to torture you.
“Go away! Leave me alone!” You shouted into the air, the figure that the voice belonged to back away. It wasn’t Changbin, it couldn’t be. You killed him like the vile person you truly were. You had blood on your hands since you were born after all.
A careful hand reached out to you, you looked up through tear-filled puffy eyes. Chcolate-brown eyes, warm as always but filled with concern. Chan.
“Y/N, it’s me, I promise you it’s me,” You looked into his eyes, filled with that familiar tenderness, there was no lie there. There was nothing fake about the look he gave you, “You told me you slept with a teddy bear named Mr Stuffy till you were seventeen, you said you don’t like being the big spoon because you fit like a backpack, baby girl look at me please it’s me,”
You threw yourself into his arms, the feeling was like coming home as it always was with Chan. Sobs left you in painful heaves, you felt him rub careful circles on your back. Small ones then big ones then small ones like you remembered, “It’s okay, just take deep breaths,”
You gathered your thoughts as best you could, taking deep breaths.
Once you had significantly calmed down, the realization set in. Chan was here. In Faerie.
“What are you doing here?!” You pushed off from his chest slightly, hands still firmly planted on his chest. Grounding you.
“Did you really think I- We’d let you go to Faerie alone? We’ve been looking for you,” A voice though without the usual bite but very much alive chimed in, Changbin was here too.
It wasn’t real.
You’d been so stupid, you came here so sure of yourself and a faerie had tricked you so easily. You felt like you couldn’t look him in the eye as if with only that he could read everything in your mind and see all you’d done with the fake version of him... and all you’d imagined doing.
“Also Hyunjin called us as soon as you left,” Chan explained further, you tentatively stepped out of his arms, “Are you sure you’re okay?”
You nodded though you weren’t sure how sure you actually were of that fact, the feel of that faerie’s blood on your hands. Perhaps you weren’t Changbin’s killer but you had killed someone. Taken a life. It had felt like something cracked inside you and you wondered it that was the start of something much bigger.
“We got what we came for now let’s go home,” Changbin said, you shot him a warning look,
“I came here for a reason, we have to get Felix back you were the one that was talking about taking action instead of sitting around?” You chastised the boy, his brows furrowed,
“By take action, I meant we go to Faerie with the best at the Institute and we steal him back, not hand yourself in or go charging into the Seelie Court demanding we give him back?” He rolled his eyes, Chan sighed running his hand through his curls in a frustrated manner.
“Okay guys, we aren’t leaving here with Felix I agree but we also can’t simply just hand y/n over but luckily we know someone who is pretty high ranking Seelie in the queen’s court and maybe if we asked this someone for help then...” Chan trailed off, his eyes were pleading as he looked Changbin.
Changbin’s face was a look of pure disdain, “You’re kidding right, you’ve got to be kidding me?”
You had an inkling of idea of who Chan could be referring too but you sincerely hoped you were wrong, “Is he referring to the one that tried to kidnap me?”
“Also the one that is the reason he got bit by a Shax demon?” Changbin and you exchanged incredulous before turning to Chan, he couldn’t possibly be serious.
“That one exactly, Binnnie,”
For once Changbin and you were in complete agreement, “You think he’ll help us? Jisung? Jisung who kidnapped Felix?”
“I know there’s still good in him when those demons attacked when I was on mission with Felix, I was almost overwhelmed but he killed the last one, he saved me,” Chan explained,
“Are you forgetting he held Felix at knifepoint and then kidnapped him right after that!” Changbin exclaimed, “You cannot possibly believe that he’ll actually help us?”
“You two aren’t even supposed to be here, I came here alone for a reason I didn’t want anyone else risking their life for mine,” You sighed, crossing your arms over your chest, “This is too risky,”
“It’s part of our job description and we’re not letting you give yourself over to the Queen, we can figure something out but we’re not letting you walk to your death at least not alone and not without a fight,” Chan tried to reach for your hand but you didn’t let him, you hated the hurt look that flashed in his eyes,
“That isn’t for you to decide, this is my life and I can decide how it ends, no one else has to fight for me or get hurt or die!” You hadn’t realised you were shouting till you saw the expressions of the two Shadowhunters in front of you, “Felix was taken because of me, my adoptive parents died so did my biological parents and all to protect me, I’ve had enough bloodshed and I will not let Felix be another,”
“But-” Chan began, Changbin put a hand on his Parabatai’s shoulder.
To the both of your surprise Changbin spoke up, “We’ll try and find Jisung but if he isn’t willing to help us then let y/n do what needs to do, we can’t make her decisions for her,”
You silently thanked Changbin for supporting you, something you thought you’d never live to see him do. You almost couldn’t believe what you were hearing perhaps you were more alike than you had thought. Then again, you didn’t have nearly as good and big of a heart as Chan did.
Chan let out a big sigh, “That’s the last resort but we’re going to try everything else we possibly can first?”
“Agreed,” The three of you said in unison,
“Now where the hell does one find a navy haired backstabbing piece of shit?” Changbin said with an uncharacteristically bright smile that was more unsettling than anything else, “When we do find him: I’m going to punch him and if he doesn’t want to help us then I’ll kill him,”
Now that was the Changbin you knew, you couldn’t believe you had believed that shape-shifting faerie had been him. The faerie was much too sweet-tongued and if you thought about it, he damn well didn’t kiss like him or have his smell of leather and some expensive cologne. You shook your head as if you could physically shake the thought of him out of your head.
“Y/N, are you sure you’re okay?” Chan raised his hand to your cheek, holding your face with that familiar tenderness that he held in his voice too.
You couldn’t help the way the corners of your mouth quirked into a smile, the wave of warmth that rolled through you was welcomed as a chill breeze ruffled the forest of Faerie, “I’m alright, don’t worry,”
“For now I think we need to rest up and in the morning we’re going to see one of Changbin’s old... uh- flames?” Chan fumbled with his words, Changbin lips pressed into a thin line.
“It was more of a gentle simmer across my teen years that went very sour very quickly,” Changbin explained, “But I’d like to get a good night’s rest before I have to prepare myself to face death,”
You looked at Chan in confusion, “I swear no one ever tells me anything interesting?”
Chan laughed as he swung his backpack off to the floor then slid down next to it, you followed his actions. Sitting down closely next to him criss cross apple sauce, your knees touching. Changbin rested against a tree trunk, his arms crossed, “I’m nodding off then if you’re going to tell this story,”
He promptly closed his eyes and his head drooped within a few minutes, you rolled your eyes at how easily he fell asleep, “How does he do that?”
“He’s always tired, he usually doesn’t let himself sleep much but when he does he sleeps like a log,” Chan shrugged his shoulders, you smiled at him before laying back on the soft ground. Chan slipped his arm underneath your head like he usually would when you slept in his room at the Institute. You revelled in the normalcy of it all and the comfort it brought.
The both of you looked up at the sky, filled with stars and constellations you’d never seen before. The brightness of the stars above highlighted Chan’s features making him almost look like he was glowing. You couldn’t fathom how beautiful he was sometimes from his personality to his looks, you truly felt like didn’t deserve him. He was so bright, full of love and light always ready to give that out.
You moved to lay with your head on his chest. The gentle rise and fall of it and the sound of his heartbeat, a reminder you weren’t alone and you were alive, beginning to lull you to sleep. A gentle press of his lips to your forehead banishing all that could hurt you away, “Thank you, Chan,”
“For what?”
“For being you, for being so understanding, for giving me love I don’t deserve, for everything?”
Chan slipped a finger under your chin to tilt your head upwards. He looked at you with the reflection of starlight in his eyes before he kissed you, soft and sweet. An acknowledgement, an acceptance or of reciprocation, you didn’t know that but you did know that you were beginning to fall, very hard for a Shadowhunter.
If only you could figure out which one.
■━■━■━■━■━■━■━■
Once again, apologies for the long wait!
I’ve got final exams coming up so I might have to put this on hold soon for a little while. I do plan on continuing as soon as I’m not so swamped with academics :((
warnings: violence, general argumentative behaviour, some explicit language
see here for glossary of terms used
masterlist
“His name is Jisung, Han Jisung,” Chan explained.
You were standing around a table in the center of the institute, surrounded by screens and with the practice room to the left. Chan and Changbin stood on either side of you, Felix and Nayeon at the head of the table. You had explained who had tried to kidnap you and what he had said about the demons.
“We have to tell Jihyo about Jisung, I’m going to her office right now,“ Nayeon said, at the mention of Jisung’s name you had noticed the tension in everyone’s shoulders. Who was he and why did his name seem to make everyone uncomfortable?
“Who is this Jisung guy? Did you guys know him?” You asked, searching the eyes of each and every one of them for something. Something that could help make you understand.
“Jisung trained alongside Changbin and I, we were really close us three but…” Chan began remembering memories you could tell from the tone of his voice were painful, Nayeon put a hand on his shoulder before continuing the story.
“He was a very private person nonetheless, we didn’t know about his parentage and neither did the Clave, he never wanted anyone to know because of everything that happened. I suspect he was terribly embarrassed,” Nayeon’s usual glimmer in her eyes was nowhere to be seen, “When the Clave found out his mother was a Seelie, they exiled him and we all missed him terribly, Chan pleaded with the Consul for his return but they were adamant,”
“He ran away to Faerie then, joined the Seelie Queen’s court from what you’ve said,” Changbin explained, he glanced at Chan. He patted his back softly, “Chan, you did your best and you can’t save everyone,”
“So we know he’s after y/n and now that he knows she’s with us, he’s planning something and something big at that, he was always good at strategy,” Nayeon said, “I bet he didn’t even plan to kidnap her, he was just trying to surmise how well she could defend herself or rather how well we were protecting her,”
“That brings me to my point; y/n it’s your choice to stay or not but regardless you need to be able to defend yourself even if you don’t want to stay here that’s fine but at least stay until you’re able to defend yourself properly,” Chan asked, your knuckles brushed his as you carefully laid your hand over top of his,
“I don’t know how this works but being a Shadowhunter, it’s in my blood and this place, it feels right,” You said, you dreaded their response, ”I want to stay, I’d like to train and become one of you,”
A moment of pregnant silence fell over the room before Nayeon was bounding towards you, throwing her arms over your shoulders, “I knew you’d say that! It’s about time we got some more girls around here!”
“I liked her from the moment she mouthed off Changbin, if there’s anything you want from your old college dorm just let me know, I can make a trip there,” Felix said, Nayeon held her arms open to the rest of them and then you were engulfed by Felix and Chan as well,
“Oh come on, Binnie!” Chan laughed, gesturing for him to join the group hug. Changbin locked eyes with you properly for the first time since what happened between you, your breath caught in your throat.
“I think I’ll stay over here but welcome to the Seoul Institute team, Mundie,” Changbin stated plainly, arms crossed over his broad chest, “I look forward to kicking your ass in the training room,”
Changbin turned on his heel, his form disappearing to before mentioned training room. Chan sighed, pressing a kiss to your temple once you were freed from everyone’s arms, “I’m especially glad you decided to stay, y/n,”
“Ugh God as if I didn’t have to tell with Changbin bringing home who knows who and hearing that nonsense through the walls now I have to deal with this disgusting budding couple-y nonsense,” Nayeon stuck her tongue out in mock disgust accompanied by wretching noises from Felix. You couldn’t help but laugh at them.
“Alright, Chan and Felix I need you two for a reconnaissance mission I was supposed to go on but someone needs to explain everything that’s going on to Jihyo and help her plan our next move, Changbin can help you get started on your training, he’s harsh but easily the best here,” Nayeon doled out instructions like a governess did to her kids, you smiled at the thought, “We’ll all meet tonight with Jihyo to discuss the way forward,”
“For the record that’s not true, I was the best at the Academy,” Chan rebutted,
Felix let out a laugh, “Changbin’s kill count is higher though and he didn’t get bitten by a Shax demon a few days ago,”
Chan shot Felix a look, “Oi Felix, whose side are you on!?”
Your heart warmed at the sight in front of you, maybe just maybe this place was beginning to feel like home and these people like a little family that had in a way adopted you. You knew you’d made the right decision to stay.
Roughly three weeks later, all had been quiet so far.
You had met Jihyo and instantly liked her, she’d welcomed you formally to the institute. You almost felt guilty about choosing to just omit the issue of your parentage. Lying by omission was still lying after all. Besides that little fact you were slowly getting into a rhythm here especially since Felix had done you the kindness of bringing your things for you. Chan and Felix were on another recon mission right now, something simple and mostly safe Chan had reassured you so here you were, sparring with Changbin.
Well more like he was pushing you around.
“Again!” Changbin shouted for the umpteenth time, he had you flat on your ass for the umpteenth time as well. You huffed, pushing your sweaty hair out of your face, “Is it that hard for the little faerie princess to land a hit?
You so yearned to wipe that annoying smirk off his face, you had been practicing for hours. Changbin had insisted on using long sticks before you moved on to swords and as much as you deigned to admit you hadn’t landed a single hit yet since you began training and it frustrated you to no end, you were tired and sweat made your t-shirt stick to your skin. Exasperated you pulled it off, leaving you in your sports bra. With a deep breath, you took the stance Changbin had taught you. Holding tightly to your ‘weapon.’
“Come on then, land a hit and we can actually move on to actual swords,” He teased, his shirt sleeves were rolled up but he showed no sheen of sweat or any indication of tiring.
You took a step forward quickly, your weapons met with a sound, “Isn’t this unfair, don’t you have runes for agility and what not?”
“Yes and you will too soon but you should know how to take on an opponent obviously stronger than you,” Changbin deftly circled his own weapon, forcing yours to move with his. You knew it was a dirty move but you kicked out as his shin, he chuckled sidestepping your trick shot, “There we go, fight dirty,”
You glared at him, the proximity between you two felt like it had that night in Hyunjin’s study and it served to infuriate you further. If he could act as if it never happened so could you and you liked Chan and he actually liked you too. With a technique you learned somewhere at some point you slid your weapon out from his grip and made to attack again but this time, Changbin flipped out of your way the force of your step making you stumble a bit as you tried to brake and promptly hit the wall just managing to stop yourself from hitting your head by holding your hands out in front of you.
“Show off,” You spat at him, venom laced in your words.
“Your posture is terrible,” He exclaimed with a laugh and his head thrown back, he pushed you a little with the end of his stick.
You grabbed the end of it as you whirled around, pulling as hard as you could on it and he stumbled ever so slightly. You took that moment to attack and before he could react, you had your stick to his throat, your chest heaved but you felt almost euphoric. His eyes were wide in surprise as he took a step back.
“Alright, well done,“ He inclined his head ever so slightly, a show of respect as he took the stick from your hands, “Even if I was going easy on you and just so you know, I never activated any of my runes,”
You rolled your eyes, “Okay I get it, oh bigheaded master of everything,”
“Follow me to the weapons store, every shadowhunter gets to choose their own weapon,” Changbin threw your makeshift weapons into the designated box, leading the way to the armoury. You grabbed your water bottle on the way there, taking a long swig as you walked. You were met by a large door, with a heavy heave Changbin pushed it open.
You were pretty sure this was a homicidal maniac’s paradise. There was every type of weapon you could possibly think of: crossbows, swords, knives, daggers all of them -all were covered in runes. You couldn’t help but gawk a little at the sheer size.
“Go ahead, pick something out,” Changbin waved his hand, as if he simply wanted you out of his hair, “Hands off the double seraph blades over there on the wall, those are mine,”
You rolled your eyes, letting your fingers run over the swords mounted on the wall to your left. You could feel Changbin’s eyes burning down your back, you took a deep breath trying to focus on anything but the fact that you were alone with him again for the first time since what happened at the party. You didn’t even know why you had kissed him in the first place, it was stupid. Clearly you hadn’t guessed the potency of the drinks you had downed while Chan or Changbin weren’t looking. You had hoped the alcohol would of made the news Hyunjin had for you easier, you were wrong of course. You were in a sensitive mindset and he comforted you. It was simple, he was just there at the right- wrong time with a fire inside him that burned you clean of all memory of anything but him.
It was all silly anyway, why were you thinking about this right now?
You were with Chan. Warm, full of love and calmness. Peace.
That’s what you needed.
You shook your head, as if you could free your mind from the thoughts you had about the boy with the raven hair and pitch black gaze.
“Something wrong?” Changbin asked, you shook your head, “Your posture really is pretty shit, I suggest something lightweight that won’t throw off your already poor balance,”
“Any more harsh digs?”
“Plenty but today I woke up in a good mood,”
“This is a good mood?”
Changbin shrugged, you turned your back to him again. A glint of silver in the corner caught your eye, you made your way towards the box. Once you moved everything on top it; you were met with a singular long, thin yet still somehow small and dainty dagger with intricate designs on the handle. You picked it up, the weight was perfect, you practiced a few techniques you’d learnt with them.
“That blade is the partner to the one Chan gave you,” Changbin said, you almost jumped out of your skin when you realised he was right behind you, “It had belonged to me when I was younger,”
“Oh…” You trailed off, unsure how to approach his statement or rather how far you could probe on the topic, “Why did you stop using it?”
“I… grew out of it, I guess,” Changbin’s gaze gained a faraway look, ridden with emotion and he looked away from you instantly, “You sure you can handle double blades?”
“You said I needed balance, this way I’m balanced and deadly on both sides,” You explained, “Are you going to tell me the real reason why you stopped using this blade, don’t tell me it’s got some curse on it or do I have to beat you in the practice room first?”
You didn’t buy his excuse of growing out of it, did this blade have some sort of curse on it or something? Some dreadful history maybe?
You felt kind of guilty for prying but if this was going to be your new weapon you felt like you needed to know why it’s previous owner decided to do away with it. To go as far as to hide it away in a box.
“You really think you can take me on, princess?” He crossed his arms over his broad chest. His black t-shirt pulling taunt over the expanse of him as his biceps flexed.
You took a step forward, looking up into those taunting more black than brown eyes that had darkened instantly. You truly enjoyed challenging his arrogance,
“Try me,”
His eyes flicked up and down your body, you hated the way that simple look made your skin feel like it was burning. You hated the way the smallest things he did made you feel, you were building a deep hatred for the boy but right at that at that moment you were reminded of Chan. You shouldn’t be feeling like this with someone else, you had feelings for Chan not him. The air felt electrified between you, you couldn’t hold his gaze for much longer or you’d do something you’d both regret…
Suddenly Nayeon burst into the armoury, you took several steps back from Changbin. Nayeon’s eyes were red and glossed with what seemed like tears and dread filled your chest, “There you guys are! Chan’s back but Felix… Felix’s been taken,”
“Where’s Chan, who took him?!” You exclaimed, you didn’t know everyone here that well but Felix had always been kind to you.
He was sweet and had made you brownies a few days ago as a sort of welcome to the institute and you had a terrible suspicion about who had taken him. Words weren’t necessary as the the two of you followed Nayeon to the main headquarters.
“It was the Seelies, wasn’t it? Was it Jisung?” You asked Chan once you had all moved to the main headquarters, you held his hand tightly. Trying to offer him some sort of comfort.
Chan was visibly shaken by what had transpired mere minutes ago, he hadn’t even changed out of his gear. It was splattered with what looked like blood which you prayed wasn’t his, his hair was a mess as he tried to explain what happened. Chan and Felix had been on mission, they were ambushed by Shax demons like you had been and somehow Chan had lost track of where Felix was and when he had finally managed to dispose of all the Shax demons. Felix was in Jisung’s hands, a knife to his throat.
“He said to bring… her to the Queen in three days’ time or they’d kill Felix and they’d come back for another one of us as many times as necessary till we gave her up,” Chan finished, his head low in shame, “I begged Jisung to keep him safe till then and he said he’d be safe as long as we give them y/n in three days’ time, this is all my fault, I’m so stupid I should of been more careful,”
You placed your hand against his cheek, “Dont blame yourself, you were outnumbered,”
You knew he was probably blaming himself and you hated seeing him like that, Changbin patted his Parabatai’s back, “We’ll get him back, I promise even if I have to kill Jisung and that stupid Queen myself,”
“Changbin you know you can’t do that, you’re all but declaring war on the Seelies then,” Jihyo intervened, her head in her hands. You could see the tension in her shoulders, “As much as I would like to do that too, we have to go by the book on this if we want to keep Felix safe,”
“By the fucking book? They kidnapped Felix! They were the reason Chan almost died!” Changbin exclaimed, “I should’ve been there, I would of killed Jisung where he stood,”
“Jisung was one of us before you don’t mean that,” Nayeon said though her tone was meek, you couldn’t share in her sentiment. He was the one who had tried to kidnap you and sent those demons that had hurt Chan. You wanted him to pay as much as Changbin did.
“Not anymore,” Chan said, his fist clenched at his side.
“I’ll go,” You suddenly intervened, they all stared at you as if you just said something completely and utterly unthinkable, “I’ll go to Faerie, I’ll turn myself in,”
“She wants you dead, you can’t possibly be serious,” Changbin said to not just yours but everyone’s surprise.
“I’m serious, I need to face her,” You countered, “I don’t want anyone else getting hurt because of me especially not Felix,”
“I’m going to ask to meet with the Clave, someone has to know what we can do, maybe we can reason with the Queen,” Jihyo explained, “We’re not putting you up for slaughter,”
“But we’re putting Felix up for slaughter if we don’t do something!” Changbin all but shouted at Jihyo.
“Changbin, please I’m as angry as you but this is out of our hands, let Jihyo talk to the clave,” Chan said, a knowing look passed between Chan and Changbin and you cursed the fact that you couldn’t read minds at the moment. Changbin calmed almost instantly as if Chan had put some spell on him to calm him.
“We meet as soon as I come back from meeting with the Clave about the way forward,” Jihyo stated, her eyes scanning over everyone in the room, “For now, please try and get some sleep,”
Everyone was dismissed, you walked with Chan to his room. A comfortable silence settled between the two of you as you closed the door behind you, you had been sleeping in Chan’s room for a few nights now. You had realised he helped you fall asleep especially when he sang to you softly on especially difficult nights where you had nightmares. You brought him into your arms like he did. His head came to rest in the crook of your neck, you muttered comforting words to the best of your ability. You hoped it was what he needed to hear.
He gripped your waist tightly in his arms, “I don’t deserve you, baby girl,”
“You deserve everything good in this world, Chan, everything,” You puncuated your words by kissing him with all the emotion you had in you, he responded with the same soft intensity. A paradox in it’s own way you thought.
“I’m going to clean up,” His words that followed came tentatively, “You’re staying tonight, right?”
You nodded because you couldn’t verbalize your lie, not when he was so fragile. You felt like a disgusting person, you basically flirted with his Parabatai while he was gone and now you were lying to him but you knew he’d never let you go if you told him the truth about what you intended to do.
So you let him fall asleep with you in his arms and once you were sure he was asleep, you slid free from his arms. You allowed yourself a last look at his now peaceful face, free of any lines of worry or stress. Perhaps the last look you’d ever get of him. You kissed his cheek, praying to the Angel that he’d understand.
You snuck away to your room. Strapping on your new blade and the one Chan had gifted you as well as putting on the gear that Nayeon had given you. As you secured your gear, you thought about the plan you’d formulated. You’d go to Hyunjin’s place and ask him to get you into Faerie and… you’d meet the queen. The queen that wanted your head decorated on a pike.
You caught your appearance in the mirror, you gathered your hair out of your face. For once, you were glad you didn’t recognise the person looking back at you. You were so much stronger now, your parents had sacrificed themselves for you, their family.
Now you would too.
You hoped they would be happy with your decision and it was after all by time you fought your own battles.
◇─◇──◇─────◇──◇─◇
Apologies for how long this part is, I really wanted to get the plot going lololol also I’ve been writing prelim finals so I’ve been busy as of late, so I’m sorry for the wait!
You’d been in your fair share of awkward car rides in your life but somehow this one felt infinitely different. Chan sat next to you, he hadn’t asked about what happened between Changbin and you.
Granted, he hadn’t seen anything. He would never know, Changbin had made it clear that no one need know of what happened between the two of you.
You caught Changbin’s gaze in the rear view mirror, he immediately looked away. You suddenly finding interest in your hands clasped in your lap. You wished Chan would start some sort of conversation with you just so you didn’t have to think about the way Changbin made you feel or his hands on the steering wheel.
And like your saving grace, Chan broke the silence, “I think we should talk to Jihyo and the Clave about this but y/n it’s your story to tell,”
“Tell the Clave? You realise that after the Cold Peace most Shadowhunters hate Seelies, according to the Clave she’s nothing but an abomination who they will gladly exhile,”
“He doesn’t mean that,”
“Oh I do,”
You rolled your eyes at Changbin’s comment, you were more curious about the Cold Peace he mentioned, “What’s the Cold Peace?”
“Some years ago, the Seelie Queen and her court sided with our enemy and waged war against Shadowhunters, lots of people died even more were hurt, according to the Cold Peace, our protection doesn’t extend to Seelies amongst other things,” Chan explained,
You didn’t know what to think of yourself anymore, you had slowly come to terms with the fact that you could be a Shadowhunter. It had felt right to hold a blade and now you didn’t know anymore. Did you side with these people who had been nothing but kind to you but who would never treat you the same if they found out your lineage?
And what about the Seelies? They had done something terrible but what was the reason? Why did your mother run away? Why leave you to be raised with mundanes? Surely they could’ve protected you, why make you feel the loss of not one set of parents but two?
Why, why, why?
You thought that after tonight you’d have no more questions, now it seemed like the unanswered questions continued to pile up. You peered out of the window, the road was somewhat empty. The streetlights were off, so the only light came form the headlights of the car. Strange.
“You’re part Shadowhunter too,” Chan reached for your hand, you gladly let him take it. His hand warm against your cold ones, “You’re one of us that means you’re under our protection and we’ll teach you how to protect yourself too,”
Chan’s pretty mocha eyes held so much warmth and kindness, those eyes reminded you of hot chocolate and brought all the comfort of it, “Thank you, Chan, so do I get a cool glowing sword too or?”
He laughed, his dimples showing and a strange fluttering in your stomach at it. You hoped he would never lose that smile of his.You gripped his hand just a little tighter, your intertwined fingers resting on top of your thigh. A presence that kept you grounded as your head swirled with thoughts trying to make sense of everything that had happened and everything you had just learnt.
And then the sound of Chan shouting Changbin’s name ripped through the air just as the car swerved, brakes screeching.
The force of the sudden stop, knocked the air out of your lungs. You looked up, Chan’s hand still tightly wrapped in yours. You held on so tight, you worried you might be hurting him. A dreadful feeling settling in your stomach,
“What the hell was that?!” Changbin shouted, looking over the dashboard. You looked at Chan, his unoccupied hand on the hilt of his blade. You saw the look in his eyes, something was out there. Something that was most likely not very friendly.
“Y/N, stay inside the car,” Chan said, his hand slipping out of yours as he pushed his own car door open.
“But-” You started as Chan closed it. He gave you a soft smile as if to comfort you. He quickly ran to Changbin’s side of the car, both them taking out their steles and running them over a few of their runes. They shared a look that seemed so intimate you felt rude watching. Changbin exited the car, a cold wind making you shiver as the door opened,
“For once, do as your told and stay in the fucking car,” Changbin turned to face you for a moment, the sound of the car doors locking punctuating his words.
He drew his two Seraph blades from their sheathes on his back. The blades glowing, lighting up the dark. Chan and Changbin’s advancing forward, weapons ready. Not an ounce of fear in their stances, black and blonde hair, light and dark. Like some avenging fallen angel with his angelic counterpart.
You couldn’t see what exactly they were making their way towards from the backseat.You forced yourself through the small space, knocking your knees against the console as you did so. You settled in the passenger seat, craning your neck to glance the enemy.
You wished you hadn’t looked.
Demons.
The demons stalked towards the Shadowhunters easily double their size. You counted two of them, huge pincers where mouths should be and the skin of some overgrown cockroaches. You saw Changbin attack first, his blades swinging. Changbin fought with that same aggression you had seen in the practice room, calculated strikes with fierceness that you hadn’t noticed before.
You couldn’t say the same for Chan where he was elegant Changbin’s lines were rough. They were so different even their fighting styles but together they seemed almost unstoppable. You instinctively reached for the small blade strapped to the side of your thigh. You didn’t know how to use it but just having a weapon in your hand made you feel a little less hopeless.
You had no time to react as the door of the car was ripped open from its hinges and a man you had never seen before grabbed you. You tried to attack with your blade but he disarmed you, landing a cut across the back of your hand as he did so.
You mustered a scream just before he clamped a hand over your mouth, his voice deep at your ear, “Keep quiet and your Shadowhunters won’t have to face the wrath of our Queen as well,”
A Seelie.
You tried to think of anything, he had you pinned to his front with a knife to your throat.
Come on, something in those self-defense classes had to be able to help you. You stomped on his foot as hard as you could and silently thanked Nayeon for the heels she’d let you wear. Fashionable and could probably break a toe.
He stumbled and you took your chance, elbowing him in the nose as hard as you could. You freed yourself from his grip, grabbing the blade he’d dropped when he stumbled back. He stood before you now, dark blue hair and a beautiful face though now marred by blood running a steady stream from his nose, “You are a Shadowhunter indeed,” He said, wiping his nose with his sleeve.
“Who are you?” You exclaimed, holding the blade out in front of you.
“I’m like you except I am where I belong,” He said, taking a step towards you.
“Stay away from me!” You held blade up higher, “Call those things off!”
“I’m afraid I can’t do that but I hope your boyfriend survives that demon bite, the Queen is coming for you and those Shadowhunters can only protect you for so long,” He chuckled, you immediately spun around at his mention of a demon bite, “This all happened because of you and so much worse is going to come,”
Chan was clutching his arm. His footsteps faltering, there was one demon left and Changbin was fighting with everything left in him. Chan fell to his knees and your heart dropped. You turned again and the Seelie was gone. You broke into a sprint, no care for the fact that you were running toward a demon with nothing but a tiny blade,
“Chan!” You screamed, Changbin’s gaze flickered to Chan and then you running towards them then he was attacking again. Something unhinged within him this time, his blades were a blur as he kept the demon busy. You got to Chan, still on his knees. He was clutching his arm.
“You were supposed to stay in the car,” Chan chastised you, he tried to stand but he faltered, “Changbin needs help, he can’t-”
“Changbin won’t be okay if you aren’t!” You exclaimed, grabbing his face in your hands, “Tell me what to do to help you,”
“Stele, healing rune,” He muttered before his eyes began fluttering, you laid his head in your lap. Sparing a quick glance for Changbin who had finally slain the demon and was running towards the two of you,”He said he needs a healing rune,”
“Obviously!” Changbin barked, grabbing his stele and marking a rune onto Chan’s palid skin near to his injured arm. You wiped the sweat from Chan’s forehead, he was feverish.
“Shouldn’t his fever be breaking, don’t these things work fast?!” You shouted at Changbin, you knew you you had no right to shout at Changbin. He was more worried than you were,
“We need to get back to the institute,” Changbin exclaimed, you could see the fear in his eyes. It was clear as daylight, he was as dishevelled and panicked as you were. He helped Chan to his feet, both of you helping him along to the car.
“Why is there a door missing on the car?” Changbin asked,
“I’ll explain later,” You said, as you got into the car. Chan sprawled across the backseat, his head in your lap. Changbin spared one more worried glance from the driver’s seat at his Parabatai before starting the car.
“Chan, you’re going to be okay,” You whispered, looking down at his half-lidded eyes with a tenderness you didn’t know you had in you,
“I know,” He muttered, some semblance of a smile on his face,
“How can you smile at a time like this?” You said softly, you couldn’t help the grin that overtook your features. Mirroring his.
“It’s easy when I have someone as pretty as you worried about me,”
If he hadn’t just been bitten by a demon and stricken with a fever, you would have punched him, you felt heat rush to your cheeks.
And you hoped Changbin didn’t see it.
━━━━━━ ◦ ❖ ◦ ━━━━━━
It had been roughly three days since Chan had been injured. You couldn’t bring yourself to go see him at the infirmary, not knowing he’d been injured because of you. You sat on the edge of your bed in your room at the institute, looking at your hand wrapped in a strip of material from the dress you’d bean wearing when you first arrived here. You didn’t want to bother anyone with your tiny little injury. You suspected you might need stitches due to the deepness of the cut but that could wait, you’d survive a cut. You hated yourself for what happened to Chan and the way that Seelie had taunted you was still fresh in your mind. Where you belonged, He had said he was like you. Half shadowhunter and half Seelie. Maybe you did belong in the Seelie court.
You were forced out of your thoughts by a knock at your door, you were surprised when you saw Chan there. Looking the picture of perfect health, you immediately hid your hand behind your back.
“Did no one see to that cut?” Chan asked, his brows furrowing.
“It’s nothing, are you okay?” You asked, gesturing to his arm.
“An iratze from your parabatai and some rest can do wonders,” He chuckled, “That’s besides the point, do you want me to give you one?“
"A healing rune for a little cut seems a little silly,” You observed the runes on Chan’s skin, on his arms and a few peeking out on his chest. The runes were so dark that they shown black through his white t-shirt.
"Normally a Shadowhunter’s first rune is the voyance rune but that’s just tradition,“ Chan said, bringing his stele out. He twirled it in his fingers, you contemplated the whole idea.
"The healing rune is that one, right?” You gestured to the mark on his bicep, “I saw Changbin draw it for you,”
It was probably just another rune to him and you were technically a Shadowhunter even if you weren’t yet trained. You didn’t know why it felt like such a big step. Maybe because it was permanent. It would solidify your decision, it would mean you had accepted this life. In a way it signified forgoing your old one.
“So is it a yes or a no? Or would you like Nayeon or someone else to do it? I won’t be offended if you don’t want me to do it,” You looked at the boy, Chan, the one who saved you and had been unbelievably kind to you.
His bleached hair blonde hair sitting untidy on his head like he’d been running his fingers through it all morning so far. Gearing up your resolve, you nodded slowly. Chan came to stand before you at the edge of your bed, you looked up at him.
Face filled with concern, "This won’t hurt at all, it might tingle or burn just a little,“
You took a deep breath and nodded your head once again, “Can you do it here?”
You unbuttoned the first few buttons of your own shirt, gesturing to a space just under your collarbone. In truth, you didn’t want it to be somewhere someone could easily see. Maybe you were ashamed or maybe you simply didn’t want it to be visible.
“Is it alright if I touch you?” Chan asked, thoughtfully. His hand resting just above your shoulder once he noted you nodding, his hand came to rest next to spot to steady you.
He held his stele to your skin, lingering just above it, “Here goes,”
A strange sensation coursed through your veins as he drew the rune followed by a wave of something that made you feel instantly more clear-headed. Chan then began unwrapping the cloth on your hand.
The cut was gone! Not even a scar!
You looked at Chan in surprise, he laughed at your expression, “Thank you, Chan,"
"Not a problem,” He grinned, those damned dimples of his showing. You ran a finger over the rune on your skin, amazed.
You looked up into Chan’s eyes, you registered his face nearing and his gaze flicker to your lips before meeting your eyes again. He stopped a few inches from your face, your lips a hair’s breadth apart.
"Would it be weird if I told you I really want to kiss you right now?“ Chan whispered, his gaze holding yours.
"No, not at all,” You laughed, his hands came up to cup your face then his lips came to meet yours in a soft caress.
You hated yourself for comparing but it was nothing like Changbin had been. This was gentle and welcoming. Slow and careful. He made no move to pull you close like a man starved, he did not rush to taste you like it was the last time he ever would. You leaned back against the bed, taking Chan with you. His body warm on top of your own, his hand slipped to your waist.
Your own hands tangling in his blonde curls. Chan suddenly pulled away from you, he observed your expression for a moment before speaking, “This means something to me, you mean something to me and I have no intention of just using you, you’re special to me, I’ve known that since I saw you in that stupid club,"
You let your hand rest against his cheek, he leaned into the touch. A subtle blush had begun blooming on his pale skin. His words made your heart feel uncharacteristically light. You smiled before you leaned in again, sealing his words away with a kiss. You could tell him you were glad you met him too, you could tell him that you had cried yourself to sleep while he was injured. Afraid he might die, all because of you. You didn’t know if that constituted as feelings for him but you knew that you wanted to feel anything else except the sadness and the cold sense of dread you’d felt since that conversation with that Seelie. Since everything that had happened to you.
Chan was warmth, he was the embodiment of the feeling of coming home after a long day. A feeling you hadn’t felt in so long. You held onto that feeling as his kisses trailed down to your neck. Your hands tangled in the strands of his hair, your shared breathing becoming all the more laboured. Your eyes closed, relishing in the feeling. His hand warming the skin you hadn’t even realised was cold, your waist, your thighs, everywhere.
You couldn’t help the laughter that burst forth from you when his lips met a certain spot on your neck, you hadn’t laughed like that in days, possibly months. Chan’s eyes met yours, you saw so much tenderness, hope and something else you dare not speak there and you couldn’t help but bring his lips to yours again.
You both however were unaware of the other boy who had frozen at your door, seeing something he knew would happen but that didn’t make the shattering of glass he felt in his chest hurt any less. He had turned around and left with his fists clenched at his sides tightly and he was pretty sure he drew blood.
you guys don’t understand how much these fictional stories and fictional characters fill me up with joy and make this insane stuff we’re going through bearable
Don’t you dare try to tell me that dark-colored/brown eyes are boring and have no interesting descriptors when Leigh Bardugo described dark eyes so well. Like Kaz’s iconic bitter coffee eyes, strong tea in the sunlight?? Inej’s eyes described as “wide and dark, lost planets, black moons” (page 362)????? Even Bajan’s “black gem eyes” when he’s not even a main character??? Don’t you dare-
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