Just to Pass the Test of a Story

Hi. I'm Rachel. I'm using this space to be creative every day.

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I guess I would say I’ve wrestled with my identity regarding religion for a long time. In 4th grade sunday school I had to fill out an anonymous card the first day of class. It read: “I believe in g-d.” and then there were two boxes to check off. One for yes, one for no. I was the last person to...

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thoughts that were supposed to go on the creative blog but once again i fail at having multiple blogs.

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Matching shirts and flower crowns.

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It's been a while guys. I've missed you. I made flower crowns with my oldest (friend that I've known the longest) friend. It was a wonderful burst of creativity and I love how they turned out!

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I attended the Senior Banquet for my program at high school tonight. It hasn't been the best four years, and there have been tears and all nighters, but it was worth it. I've come out a stronger, well rounded, more socially capable leader and student and I owe to great friends and great teachers.

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I played my last jazz concert tonight. It's been a creative 2 years but I'm not sure where it's left me emotionally.

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It's been over a month since I've updated here....

and that's not to say I haven't been creative, or moody, or confused, or had weird thoughts that I wanted to share with the internet.

In some regards, I was tired, I questioned the purpose of this blog, and in some respects, I just didn't know if it mattered.

This began with the intent of documenting creativity, so I think I'll head back there, relive it, and once again be creative.

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I have no idea if this this a thing already…….but it’s brain crack that’s pretty easy to fix so here goes:

ALPHABET TAG

Go through every letter of the alphabet in your address bar and put down the website that comes up…

A (amatterofmagic.tumblr.com)

B (believeimmagic.tumblr.com)

C...

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Hey Look! I'm a journalist.

http://www.voicewaves.org/2013/04/different-faces-of-youth-homelessness-in-lb/

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Some thoughts:

I've been watching James (talenthatter)'s videos for probably a year and half. He always makes engaging, interesting content and I enjoy listening to his stories and rants. I had a bit of a conversation with him at VidCon 2012 and he was really awesome. We've communicated a tiny bit online, but I wouldn't say that we're friends...yet.

Anyways, he's recently started a video project called CodeWordGiraffe that I find very interesting. James struggles with mental health and is keeping a documentation of his struggles and victories through the channel. He's only posted a few videos so far, but I find them intriguing and fascinating. I haven't struggled with mental health (physical health is a different story) but it's a unique perspective to learn from. 

The videos don't have much editing and can be lengthy which would usually deter me from watching them, but I don't find myself uninterested or unengaged at all.

I'm not really sure what I wanted to say with this post, but I think it might be this:

James is cool and you should check out his project.

The list of people I know with blue hair is increasing rapidly.

I really want to die my hair now.

I plan to make a more conscious effort to develop a friendship with James. See you at VidCon?

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I was gone for the last few days on a band trip. I'll update tomorrow with my thoughts and creativity from that experience.

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Although I've had my struggles with people and teachers and music and friends, jazz band has been an ultimate positive in my life. And tonight during one of our final shows, I realized how much I'll miss it. There was a lot of creativity tonight during our show and I started to feel nostalgic for what was all around me.

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For the last five years every Sunday (minus a few hear or there), I have worked as the assistant first grade teacher at Hebrew school. It is a three-hour commitment and a lot more draining than one would guess. Sunday school takes up a lot of time for me, and I love doing it. But it is a big source of creativity as I master working with children, designing art projects,  avoided temper tantrums, and try to learn and teach Judaism. 

Today at music, as I sat with a 6 year old in my lap, singing and softly stroking her hair, I realized how much I'll miss this. The simplicity of being at temple, goofing off with little kids, learning from them everyday. I'll miss this....

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Confession Time:

Until 2:30 pm, on April 5, 2013, I’d never seen this video. And that’s not to say, that I haven’t seen all of Charlie’s videos or knew that this one existed. And I even watched a few video responses to this video.

And the truth is….I was scared.

I was scared to watch this video.

Just like I was scared to make difficult decisions about the future, to choose a colleges to apply to, to go on a date, to make challenging choices about piano, to self reflect.

Just like I am scared to choose a college to attend, to meet new people, to stand up for myself, to accept my flaws, to be creative everyday, to make videos, to exist.

I knew that this video would force me to face that fear, and I didn’t watch it, because I was scared.

Today, I watched this video. And I’m still scared. But that’s ok.

I’ve chosen not take a piano examination this weekend, I am pretty close to making a college choice, I’m posting on this blog, I’m being honest with myself, I’m about to film a video.

And for once, I’m ok with being scared.

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I feel as though I am stuck in a rut, in a negative spiral, and stress keeps piling on. I am going to take a bit of a hiatus or a break for the next 10 days or so. I may post, I may not, but I am not going to hold myself to any policies or rules or deadlines. 

Also, if you want to comment on anything I've written or just say hi I would really appreciate that.

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Today has been a day of a lot of emotions and very little creativity. However, I really do enjoy using this space to write and think and reflect so that is what I will do. Also, if you ever wanted to send me feedback on stuff I would love that. 

And now into the reflective bit...

I got waitlisted at Reed College. I don't even know if it was my top choice. To be honest, the school scared me. It might have been to liberal, too challenging  too hippie. I thought that I wouldn't fit in there. I didn't know if they had the write major for me. I thought a lot of things.

But it was getting waitlisted there that actually upset me. And I feel like I failed in some regards.

I felt ill and gross and nauseous for most of today. I started crying in 5th period. I just couldn't handle the world any more. 

I am tired of limited friendships and school and not spending enough time with the friends that I do have (outside of school).

I feel jealous of friends who seem to be much more organized than I. I feel jealous of those in happy relationships. I feel sad that not all relationships are perfect and that people get hurt. 

I feel silly for over analyzing my life and allowing myself to get stuck in this downward wave of confusion.

I want to know what it's like to be in a relationship. I don't have time for that.

I feel guilty for being self obsessed,

I feel incomplete, lost, confused, unsure.

I feel happy, creative, ....

I feel.

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I have written a lot today. A LOT. and that is all I can muster for creativity.

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The last few days I haven't posted anything....and that's not for a lack of creativity. 

(I am going to type this and not think about it and just let the words come to me, so it may not sound very poetic or coherent or creative or beautiful but I want to capture the emotion I feel.)

Family is not just the people you live with, family is the world's you create, the connections you make, and the people you choose to devote your time and energy to. In this vein, I have a lot of families. Friends, biologic, Harry Potter, fandoms, etc.

But one of my families is the organization HOBY (google it).

For the last 6 months I have been planning a leadership workshop for high school freshman. I organized 5 speakers, planned multiple leadership and team building activities, designed and printed t shirts  order food, planned a service project, and spent many night not sleeping or doing hw but working on the CLeW.

And in some magical brilliant way, the CLeW went really well. I had about 20 freshman from my school in attendance and the speakers were spectacular and everyone said that they had a good time and at the end I came very close to tears because of how much I love my HOBY family.