I guess I would say I've wrestled with my identity regarding religion for a long time. In 4th grade sunday school I had to fill out an anonymous card the first day of class. It read: "I believe in g-d." and then there were two boxes to check off. One for yes, one for no. I was the last person to finish the assignment. I just couldn't decide. I ultimately marked off both boxes. At 13 I had a bat mitzvah and I thought that would be the moment when everything would click. But it didn't. I didn't connect to the words I was saying, and the melody's and the people and the love surrounding me felt so much more real. I know people (some who I extremely close to) who honestly believe that g-d controls every aspect of their lives, and that always felt so strange to me.
I remember maybe 3 years ago, maybe 2?, anyways, the Rabbi asked me to give a short talk on the bimah (stage) in front of the congregation. It was a huge honor and I enjoy writing so I agreed. He gave me a prompt which was essentially how does g-d play a role in your life. And I was stuck. I stared at a computer screen for days, having no idea what to say. And I ended up writing a cliched, cheesy, haphazard thing about connection and nature and beauty in my life. And I remember being not proud or slightly embarrassed to share it with the congregation.
Then fastforward to Israel. We transition from a 13.5 hr plane flight to a 1.5 hour bus trip to being at the Western/Wailing Wall, one of the holiest sites for Jews. And I stood there. And I stared at it. And at first I thought it was just the long flight/jetlag/new experience, but I didn't feel this religious experience like I thought I would or should. I thought more about artsy photography and gender roles than I did about g-d. But throughout the trip I realized that that was ok. That it didn't matter that I had a fully fleshed out idea of g-d. But people and community and land and food and music (I love klezmer music so so so much-off topic) take the place of that in my life.
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Talking to a friend (really cool human being, A+) about religion and this happened. Also good job me. You start talking to a cool person and then you spew this at them.
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I meant to post this to my creative blog but then failed. But you know what...
It doesn't matter. This is my blog. I want to share this. I am feeling super open with the internet. I love talking about religion so feel free to leave me a message or something and contribute to the conversation.
