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#writing is so hard #this year is so hard #if you know me and are friends with me #promise you won’t read ANfD anymore #I’m gonna write it but #I’m just so scared of losing all my friends if they find out how problematic ANfD really is #I’m so paranoid #but goshdarn #I didn’t expect to make the friends I did on Twitter #please if you love me as a person #promise you won’t read it #or just #pretend you didn’t

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#I’m feeling positively disgusting today #I’ll probably write more of that kh abo au because my brains are rot #and all i can think about it terra #i absolutely love that it feels like no one else reads it #no expectations #just me letting the brainrot drain out of my head

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#a really kind comment???#on my terrible problematic transformative work of fiction???#i dont deserve you #i really dont #and the piece is written like a 1000 piece puzzle #im so hecking sorry #please know thst you made my day #and i love you very much

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#so #ANfD is one of /those/ ABOs #i’ve set up the necessary plot points for it to make sense but now that ive gone out into the wild #seeing fics like that leaves a bitter taste in my mouth #maybe cuz it wasnt handled as proper as id like?#i gotta stop whining and start writing if i dont like how others handle a certain trope

Hey I neglected on updates on this blog. Gonna post some art that I did a while ago.

#hello

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#how can i be myselfwhen ive been living as a hollow husk for half of my life #my formative years taken from me where i was groomed to be quiet and open and lacking personality #I’m the prime example of an amorphous being #able to mold and shape myself into being the person you desire to be with the most #but that only works for relationships where you dont see much of me #if you stay long by my side #will you notice how hollow i am #will you notice how i know everything about you so intimately like a lover like a friend like a brother #will you notice that you dont know as much about me?#will you notice that i am a clear still pond showing the parts of me i know will draw you in #will you notice how im so hollow because i once shaped myself around just one person #and when they left it felt like they took out everything from within me with them?#i am made of mirrors #showing you only the things you like #hoping to draw you in #but #you’ve seen me hollow #you’ve seen me at a loss of what to do #i’ve noticed #you witness me in default a blank slate with a blank smile and a blank stare #god did i scare you #i am so sorry #but you still liked my mirror me enough to ignore it #but every night i send you home when you are so far away from my car #too far away for me to mirror #you’ve noticed havent you #how hollow i really am

Ah now that I’ve slept on it, I think my gripe with the omega and omega subjugation and infantilisation in fic is that it mostly boils down to it being OOC most of the time.

The thing is, like all things, it can be done well. It can be done so well and most of the problems I see are from people writing them too OOC.

I’m not saying that all the problems will be gone if the characters are not OOC, just that it’d be a more enjoyable read.

Look at it this way: fanfiction works with already existing characters with already existing fans of said characters. Just making someone in character is enough sometimes.

Just don’t sacrifice character to make them fit a cookie cutter trope. It’s not worth it.

#rant #bold of me to even say this as if i dont have a grasp of character myself #i guess its more that you keep the character recognisable as the character and not shallow tropes #abd then it’ll maybe be fine

I totally forgot that some people actually get their rocks off on the societal subjugation of omegas in most ABO works. Like it’s different when it’s weird furries-in-denial like me who’re just into the idea of heats and ruts and how that affects daily lives. But the idea of writing about extreme discrimination towards omegas puts a bitter taste in my mouth.

Would be okay if it were just only that, I think. It’s the idea of the author taking these dynamics and loving them that I can’t stand.

You know what I mean?

Like, it’s one thing to write about how omegas thrive and succeed and fight subjugation and discrimination, y’know the good empowering stuff I need like a drug. But it’s another to write about how omegas love their subservience. How they’re willing to give up jobs to be tied to the stove barefoot and pregnant. It fucking reeks of the weird Christian novels they made me read when I was a child.

I’m not even on that schtick anymore, writing about extreme societal dystopias with extreme discrimination is just not my brand. I’m just a lemon farmer writing about different ways dynamics in general face discrimination. Like society sucks. They can’t just hate one thing at a time. They find ways to hate pretty much everything.

I guess this is my long way of saying: your fictional societies, dystopia or otherwise, should have layers too. Cuz otherwise, it makes for a frustrating reading experience.

#another ABO rant #i pretty much hate societal dystopic based ABO #especially if its the single flat layer of: everyone hates omegas #i hate caste systems more than anything #want to murder the people who implement it #sorry for this very long rant #I’m just a pretentious uppity prick who also writes ABO #im not better thsn these people #i let my own frustrations get the better of me #its just fanfiction greg #fanfiction about ABO to boot #Im a gross bastard #but worldbuilding wise #a layered society is a good read in that its good immersion #and good immersion is always great to gain morereadership and stuff

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#man did i drink the kool-aid for that one ship I shipped years ago #i cant believe i let people talk me into thinking that ship was anything other than destructive and toxic and manipulative #i have a whole bunch of wips depicting the ship as healthy and good #i feel so angry that i ever did that #a toxic ship is a toxic ship #and thats okay #its dubious when you write fluffy good things about a toxic ship #but thats a freedom afforded by fanworks #the question of what if brings creative freedom #and brings so many interesting ideas to the table

I say all this knowing full well that I’m rewriting the third chapter of ANFD again. Inspiration comes and goes so erratically I should spend more inspiration points ANFD’s way.

thetrashaccount

I wanna write a hanahaki au from the perspective of a particularly aggressive “I don’t <i>feel</i> things” character. Where they tamp down all their emotions and dicidedly ignore the flowers overflowing from their throat. Gnashing them between their teeth and spitting them out, hiding the disease even if the sickly sweet perfume of the flowers and blood stay in the back of their mouth.

They’d sooner die than admit their love. Rather die than split open their chest and leave themself vulnerable to someone who possibly doesn’t even like them that same way. Rather the flowers bloom in their lungs, taking root there until their last stuttering breath, spitting them out with every word they utter until they’re sick with the smell of flowers following them everywhere they go.

I just like the idea of this brutal-romantic writing style so much.

thetrashaccount

Brutal-Romantic this time, not in every way of the word but like, hard on the romance. Like hard on the romance. But still not without the roughness the name implies. Just not too brutal. Or maybe that brutal after all depending what inspiration comes to me that day.

#i dont think ill ever go full gore #thats too much even for me #or not #...sugar gore?#you know that pretty sparkly gore style thing #not my style #reg-o gore is apparently only okay for me provided that there’s cannibalism #a weird loophole

I wanna write a hanahaki au from the perspective of a particularly aggressive “I don’t <i>feel</i> things” character. Where they tamp down all their emotions and dicidedly ignore the flowers overflowing from their throat. Gnashing them between their teeth and spitting them out, hiding the disease even if the sickly sweet perfume of the flowers and blood stay in the back of their mouth.

They’d sooner die than admit their love. Rather die than split open their chest and leave themself vulnerable to someone who possibly doesn’t even like them that same way. Rather the flowers bloom in their lungs, taking root there until their last stuttering breath, spitting them out with every word they utter until they’re sick with the smell of flowers following them everywhere they go.

I just like the idea of this brutal-romantic writing style so much.

#ideas #i have a ship in mind #where this reaction would definitely make a lot of sense #but that ship is from a pretty criticsed game #I dont endorse the game but to close one eye and indulge in the characters seems pretty irresponsible of me #but well #Gavin900 #is the ship name #all android/human ships will always end in tragedy #which is fucking sad #and brutal-romance fuel

I hate ABO. I hate that I’m so haunted by this terrible alternate universe people created so they could get their furry rocks off. I hate that I’ve become so haunted that my own personal fears and personal wars have been so intricately woven in all that dumb mess of ABO AUs. The themes I’ve been tackling lately have to do with my fucking fears and I kind of want to die whenever I try to write it now. ANfD got more popular than I expected but I’m still gonna put in that twist that’ll make it all the more clear how uncomfortable it really is. I should’ve flushed it all out with the AU I wrote for KH instead of subjecting my new fandom to it.

#rant

I ruined TerrIsa for myself but I actually ship it romantically. Like, after everything, I wanna see them talk to each other about it. It has great potential to be a beautiful relationship.

#but #i ruined it for myself with that terrible ABO AU #i shouldn’t write what comes to mind all the time #just because an idea haunts me #doesnt mean that i have to write about it #but i reasoned before that i wrote it because it haunts me #i dont want to romantiscise it #but i dont think id know if i was until someone told me that i was

Hello - I'm really sorry if you've received annoying asks like this before, I'm just genuinely curious. Are you going to continue Another Name For Despair, or have you abandoned it? I'm not in any way judging, bc writing is Hard, and sometimes you just move on. I just wanted to ask you uwu Have a lovely evening!

Aaaah I’m really sorry! I have every intention of continuing ANFD! I’m just having unforeseen trouble with the latest chapter. (I can’t promise it’s interesting so I’ve been fixing it here and there) Thank you for being interested in ANFD! I’ll try to get it out as soon as I can! (which might not be very soon. I’m really sorry.)

#Ask #ANFD

Aftermath

#slight ANFD spoiler #tw: rape #noncon #rape #tw: scopophobia #bruises #bite marks #blood #yeah I’m so sorry but that’s Namjoon #forgive me #please heed the tags #implied rape/noncon #trash art

I wanna draw more trashy porn stuff. Like I’m inspired to draw trashy old man porn but I have no idea which blog I should put it in. Eh. I’ll put all the actual trash in here tho. I’ll try to wean off the actual wholesome stuff from this blog and put it somewhere else.

#ramblings #tbd

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