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[thetulipinacup]

[thetulipinacup]

i can feel the strain of the internet on my brain. i exhaust my body and push myself to the limit without actually accomplishing anything but to scroll. i can't learn i can't comprehend and i keep forgetting things i used to easily remember. i don't remember faces and cheat on every exam. i am in a constant fog and keep telling myself i will catch up one day but I'm afraid 8+ years of this have done their full damage. 

i made a deal with the universe that i would be a good kid and stay out of trouble if they gave me people who understood me. i got my wish but they are all through a screen on platforms scientifically proven to cause all these same issues I'm clearly suffering from. if i cut myself off i might have a chance at a happier life but i will just be alone again. 

even as i write this i have a video in the background of two idiots talking about nothing just for the sake of noise. i closed my notes app 4 times on reflex to open twitter. there have been dozens of times where i tell myself to stop and close the tab on my laptop only to realize I've typed it again reflexively. this summer marks 10 years since i first made an account. 

i want to be a human being again. i want to draw and read and think and talk to people without it feeling like my world is ending. i want to sit down to do something and actually complete it. i took 8 months off of school for this exact purpose and did nothing with it. i have one year left of school in my dream career field and have no idea what i have learned. i feel like i've let the younger me who did all these things on reflex and dreamed of being in my position one day down in an unforgivable way. there is no one i can say these things out loud to because it is impossible to for them to comprehend, they've lived a completely different life in a different era. 

i used to go to therapy (online). i tried to express the devastation i felt at an online "friend" deactivating with no other form of contact. i didn't even know her last time to find her. she tried very hard to do her job and validate me but clearly did not understand what i was talking about and why it would affect me so badly. why does something so common in this era feel so humiliating to admit? it's not our fault, we are victims of circumstance and billions of dollars in algorithm development and yet admitting it feels like defeat. i look at my ipad baby cousins in horror and say i will never do that to my children but what is the difference? i have been exhibiting the same behaviors for longer than they have been alive. but no, that can't be me. i am smart and have good taste and see through it all, i could never fall victim in the same way as everyone else. and yet here i am 

[thetulipinacup]

i have had brief moments of feeling like i have broken out of this since then but not nearly enough to feel good about

[thetulipinacup]

something is very wrong with me and has been for many years and i like to pretend being self aware will somehow make it better. it does not

[thetulipinacup]

have reached the age where it is no longer fun or cute to only have friends online. or was it never actually fun or cute in the first place?

[thetulipinacup]

i come back here when i spend too much uninterrupted screen time on twitter like a security baby blanket

[thetulipinacup]

i don't need the world to see that I've been the best i can be

[thetulipinacup]

i am a child of the moon

[riotgrrrlgerardway]

where were YOU when mcr dropped a new single in 2022?

[thetulipinacup]

played within 42 seconds of uploading 😭😭😭

[thetulipinacup]

i got into my chemical romance the summer after they broke up, and i made this blog to talk about them in july 2014. now im a whole new person with a whole new life but that old me is still in there somewhere ☺️

[thetulipinacup]

when the pawn hits the conflicts he thinks like a king 

what he knows throws the blows when he goes to the fight 

and he’ll win the whole thing ‘fore he enters the ring

there’s no body to batter when your mind is your might 

so when you go solo, you hold your own hand 

and remember that depth is the greatest of heights 

and if you know where you stand, then you know where to land 

and if you fall it won’t matter, cuz you’ll know that you’re right

[thetulipinacup]

i wish you could find good critiques of modern feminism that aren’t just the trad wife conservative girls

[thetulipinacup]

spent a year restarting this blog and curating vibes just to get sucked into star wars fanfiction and ruin my recommendations forever . Hell

[thetulipinacup]

you've got a head full of feathers

you're gonna melt into butter

[thetulipinacup]

liquid smooth

[thetulipinacup]

i miss badlands era halsey and how much i would be on here in 2015 that was such a good era

[thetulipinacup]

i feel like from being in here so much in the early 2010s tumblr grunge era as a kid it’s just the aesthetic i’ll be chasing forever im still looking at tennis skirts i’ll never buy all these years later

[thetulipinacup]

it is truly just me and the moon against everyone she’s the only one on my side