The Weird Side Of Parenting

Children are strange creatures, ours are no exception. We have currently collected 5 boys and 1 girl.

[theweirdsideofparenting]

Kids say the weirdest things.

In case you were wondering what it's like to have 5 sons...

One of our 3 year boys ran into the living room, dropped his shorts, and proceeded to yell, "My penis popped! It's broke!"

[wilwheaton]

[theweirdsideofparenting]

He ate what?

Let's be real, as parents we all know that 3 year olds are the real terrorists. For example in the last month one of our twin boys has:

Stolen half a tub of butter and hid behind the curtain while he ate it and smeared it all over himself like lotion.

Liberated a bottle of pancake syrup then ran from one end of the house to the other with it upside down (and open), squeezed half of it onto the carpet in their room, ran back through the house, and to the bathroom. Leaving behind him a sugary slippery trail of death.

Helped himself to an entire bowl of mashed potatoes. Which he hid behind the curtain and ate while rubbing it on himself like lotion.

Grabbed the jar of miracle whip, a spoon, and filled his plate with ooey gooey goodness. Then took it to his room and ate it with one hand while using the other hand to spread it around on himself like lotion.

I figure at this rate we should probably use the bathroom and blink in shifts.

[stability]

I may legally be an adult but don’t be fooled, I have no idea what the hell im doing

[dihydrogenmonoxideawareness]

Why would anyone want to consume it!?

[etherealastraea]

I teach my 7th graders about the dangers of dihydrogen monoxide.

I bring in a graduated cylinder of it and we talk about how it’s used in nuclear power plants and gmo crops. How inhaling even the small amount I’m holding can lead to suffocation or even death. It’s found in vaccines and cancer cells, but also in infant formula and pet food. It is a huge component of acid rain, can cause severe burns, and has been found in places that were thought to be the most pristine and unpolluted locations on earth.

We talk about how there are little to no regulations on this chemical. No bans, no warning labels, and most manufacturers don’t even have to disclose their use of it in their products.

My students are outraged. We talk about what we can do. Create posters and flyers to spread awareness. Contact our senators with petitions to ban DHMO. Spread this information all over social media.

Then I explain that the real problem with dihydrogen monoxide is that….when I am thirsty…there is just nothing else as refreshing, and then I watch their looks of absolute shock and horror as I drink the entire vial down.

[bluegone]

I. Fucking. Love. This.

This is how misinformation works. How propaganda works. How manipulation works.

[nerdy-pharmacy-daydreams-deacti]

may our education be stronger than fake news

[darthlenaplant]

Amen.

[chubby-aphrodite]

To those who don’t get it:

“Dihydrogen monoxide” is the chemical name for water, AKA H2O.

[mod2amaryllis]

another important element of understanding the joke is understanding how pH levels work

yup.  that’s a higher number alright.

[youngalientype]

“Everyone who has ever touched or consumed this chemical has died”

[theweirdsideofparenting]

Super Fast, Super Ouch

10 days ago one of our graceful 3 yro twin boys was going "super fast" down the hall and super face planted thanks to his giraffe legs. Mr. Graceful earned himself 5 stitches under his chin. At the emergency room he sat peacefully and quietly while they prepped him for stitches and then about 2 minutes in he started SNORING. This kid straight up fell asleep while getting stitches in his face. Today he had them removed and laid there perfectly chill while they removed all of them plus the scab. So far he is a fan favorite at the doctor's office!

[mysharona1987]

[mk-wizard]

Shout out to all the people who have adopted children:

You did have a child 100%. Pregnancy and birth produces a life, but parenting with love makes a child and makes that child yours.

God bless you and your beautiful families.

[kitchenwitchupinthisbitch]

Father in law: You should put your loose tooth under your pillow for the tooth fairy.

6yo kid: My mommy said we don't summon entities we're unfamiliar with.

[awed-frog]

important

[theweirdsideofparenting]

Translation

8 year old son walks into the living room before school one morning I was sitting on the couch enjoying my morning coffee while my electric breast pump did it's job.

Son: "It's sort of like a milk translator."

Me: Chokes on coffee. "Well son, you're not wrong."

Breast pumps are now forever known as milk translators. Instead of pumping or nursing I am translating.

[theweirdsideofparenting]

Sports mom convos

Our 8 year old has officially started sparring competitively for Taekwondo. This requires a cup for his boy junk.

Me: Ok kiddo this is a cup, this is where it goes, and what it does.

Son: Following my directions installs the device properly, looks back up at me, and announces, "OMG IT MAKES IT LOOK SO HUGE".

Me: Dead. All breathing has stopped and laughter induced tears are imminent.

Son: Removes said device, runs from room, beelines for the back door. "I'VE GOT TO SHOW THIS TO MY FRIENDS!!"

Me: "NO CHILD NO. This is not a toy, you cannot take it outside, and the entire neighborhood does NOT need to see it."

Son: Lays it on top of the microwave instead.

Me: "NO CHILD NO. That goes on your penis, not my microwave!! Please go put it in your gear bag."

Son: "Hey, it's like a helmet, but for my penis!!"

Me: Yes, now please go put it up.

All cups are now known as penis helmets in our house. 🙄🙄🙄

[theweirdsideofparenting]

Those days when you want to cancel your parenting subscription.

[theweirdsideofparenting]

Do all parents have these conversations?