Hidden Words

Strong. Heartfelt. Real. Written by Cass Pratt.

[cassadilla1418]

“Dear Baby Girl, I’ve got a few things I wish people had told me from a young age that I’m going to tell you. 1. Do not beg anyone. I mean absolutely anyone to stay. There is absolutely no reason for them to stay if you have to beg. They do not value or love you the way they say they do. Trust Momma on this, it’s not worth it. 2. Never allow anyone the opportunity to disrespect you twice. One time and cut all communication off. 3. Be the shoulder others need but have that one friend who can be yours when times are rough. 4. It’s okay to ask for help. Especially when life gets too hard, make sure to ask for help. Don’t try to fight alone. 5. Do not say yes, no matter what anyone says. Especially if you feel like you are pressured into it. I don’t care if it’s for sex, drugs, alcohol, anything, do not say yes unless you are absolutely ready for it. I promise you, it’ll save your life. 6. Make promises but realize some are okay to be broken. Some can’t be kept and that’s honestly okay. 7. Let yourself be loved baby girl. Don’t think you don’t deserve the whole nine-yards. You deserve as much love, if not more than you give. That being said, do not think the ordinary is love. Let them show you new ways of loving you. 8. Always know you can come to Momma for anything. I’d rather you say, “I need to call Mom,” rather than being afraid to do so. 9. Always help that stranger that needs it. Even if it’s just asking them how their day is. You may not realize how much it helps someone make it through the day. Compliment them as well. 10. It’s okay to stand out. It’s okay to be the quiet one. It’s okay to let yourself fade into the corner if that’s how you’re comfortable. 11. Try the sport. Whether you like it or not, at least try. See what happens because at the end of the day, whether you continue to play or not, you can say you at least tried. 12. All those pennies that you keep shoving to someone else because you don’t see the value in them, save them. Stick them in a piggy bank and let them add up. You’d be surprised what you could do with that one day. 13. Draw. No matter how it looks. Let that stick figure be the start. 14. Write. ABout your day, the feelings you have, or something that made you ask a question. Write and let it all out. 15. Don’t be afraid to come to talk to me. I may not always have the right answers but I promise you, I will always listen. 16. Be kind. Always. 17. Love yourself, baby girl. Look in that mirror and love what you see. No matter what anyone else says. Love the way your hips are, love the way your arms and legs look, just love you. Just please, if that’s all you can do in life, love yourself. Say one good thing every single morning and night about yourself in the mirror. 18. Read. No matter if it’s a book or an article. Let your mind expand to the vast worlds we have around us. Be the oddball who knows a lot about a certain topic because it peaks your interest. 19. Lastly, always say, “I love you” before you go to bed, leave the house, hang up the phone, and so on. Get that hug in as well. You never know when you’ll see them again or for the last time. I love you, baby girl. Love, Momma”

—

[theworldshiddenwords]

Mom.

Mom, Yeah, that’s a word I barely got to say, It still sounds cliche, You were supposed to be my best friend, But that all came to an abrupt end, You were supposed to be there for all the important events in my life, Yeah, you decided it was more important to become his wife, Hard to believe you could be a wife, When you could barely hold a knife, You were always shaking needing the next fix, I’m shocked you didn’t do more tricks, That’s right, Ma, I heard you, I heard every single word and it’s hard to undo, The damage you’d done, I hope it was fun, Breaking your child before she even had a voice, Sitting there acting like you didn’t have a choice, You had a choice, Ma, Instead, you become a ticking time bomb, Rather than fighting for your child, You decided to get wild, Partying was always your thing, You made it hard to feel anything, I was just a baby, Ma, You’d think I was your lip balm, Left in a particular spot, Like I was something you bought, How could you do that to your own child? Acting like I was a stepchild, You never treated me like I was even your kid, Rather a mess that you did, I was nothing but a burden to you, Something that you wished you drew, Something that could be thrown in the trash, I was just a piece of cigarette ash, Our pictures are such a lie, The hatred hiding inside your eye, There was a never smile, More a sense of me being bile, Your obituary lied, Don’t worry, Ma, I never cried, You had more than him and her as your children, Ma, But, nah, I only existed to you when it was beneficial, Glad that paperwork was official, Your death had no impact, You know the answer, Ma, that’s a fact, They were your ‘only’ kids and I was just a waste of space, I understand that’s the case, You don’t exist to me anymore, I gave up hitting my knees on the floor, For a woman who wanted nothing but harm to come to me, You aren’t part of my family tree, You’re just the woman who brought me into this place, Don’t worry, Ma, I’m out of your space, I’ll see you again one day, I will no longer be your ashtray, I don’t forgive you, It doesn’t matter how many pictures I drew, You don’t deserve it, You were the cause behind the first hit, Yeah, Ma, that one, He should’ve just used a gun, I wouldn’t have grown up fearing every action, It’s alright, Mom, you always had a shitty reaction, Drugs will do that to you, won’t they, Ma? I’ll just do what I do best and draw, I achieved so much and instead of being there, You were passed out in the chair, High off your fucking ass, Almost like you had more love for the glass, That’s on you though, Ma, You’ll never meet your future son-in-law, You made these choices, You have to listen to the voices, I’m done with letting you win a battle I never had a voice for, You’re the one that locked that door, All because you had to be a whore, A whore for drugs, alcohol, and men, Instead of following in your footsteps, Ma, I picked up a pen, I didn’t become my biggest nightmare, Because I knew all the things you did and became aware, You came and went, That’s why I’m sitting here wanting to vent, I picked up a pen, Ma, I don’t need men, I know my worth, All you did was give birth, It’s goodbye, Don’t sit there and cry, Cause those would be the fakest tears, You were always one of my fears, Not anymore though, You’re why I know all that I know, You’re why I took the good path rather than the dark one, I’m finally done, Bye, Mom.

[theworldshiddenwords]

You break your own heart to keep others happy. But who helps you? Who makes sure you got a smile on your face? You rip yourself apart to be what they want. But who tells you they want you? Who makes sure you're acknowledged? You try to make everyone happy and never tell them no. But who does that for you? Who let's you borrow money and asks if you wanna join them? You try to see the good in everyone. But who has broken your heart more than yourself? Who appreciates that from you? The answer is no one. No one cares because, love, people are selfish. People only care when it's too late, when they need something, or when you're in a better place than before. We read our children fairytales and tell them to find their prince or princess, but we never tell them that in the end you gotta be your own love, your own support system, and your own best friend. You have to keep others at arms length because most want to learn the facts to use against you in the end.

[theworldshiddenwords]

She doesn’t even know what love is supposed to be like. She doesn’t understand that love is not supposed to cost her anything. That if a person truly loves her, it wouldn’t cost her anything other than her time and patience to love freely. The past experiences have her believing in order to keep a man you have to give in to his every want and need and constantly feel guilty if you deny them something. She’s used to it being only a one-sided conversation and only being a one-man show of what is right and wrong and when and how things are done. She has no clue how to love and not fear upsetting that person. She has no clue how to be herself without the fear of making him run away and getting mad at her. She doesn’t take yelling well because it’ll normally make her shake and breakdown or she’ll get defensive then break later on for what she said to you. She is scared of happiness and it’s very slim in her life of occuring due to her mental health and mental illnesses always lingering on her shadow. She is a hard person to love, she’s a chaotic mess, she’s a disaster of emotional mood swings, but she has a heart of gold and she knows that one day it’ll all make sense. Or at least she hopes it will. Maybe she is meant to be this mess to remind people of what happens when you’re abused in every aspect of the word. Maybe she is meant to be this way because it allows her to connect with others that have been through the same thing and knows how to write in a way that connects to them. Or maybe love just ain’t for her.

[theworldshiddenwords]

I'm staring at the wall,

With all the nasty things that have ever been said to me running through my head,

A constant ache courses through my body,

A constant stabbing sensation,

A constant slicing motion against my body as they rip me apart,

You don't care that what you're doing is breaking me apart,

All you care about is looking superior to those around us,

I could have done something accidentally and you'd make me look like a monster,

I'm staring at the wall,

Wanting it all to end,

I want a blade,

I want a bottle of liquor,

I want a bottle of pills,

I want a gun to my head,

I want this to fucking end because I can't do it anymore,

Nothing I do is good enough,

Nothing I do is gonna make it stop,

Except for one thing,

It'd put an end to everything.

[theworldshiddenwords]

You look at her and see smiles, Laughter, A happy girl, Look closely though, Look at her eyes, Watch her when no one looks, Watch her when she walks down the hallways, Or down the aisle at a store, You see the smile she gives everyone, But only a few know the difference between it and a real one, Only a few know what truly makes her happy, What can bring her happiness, What can make her smile for real, You see a happy girl, But really, She's a fighter, A warrior, A girl who tries her hardest to fight on her own, Who hates asking for help, Who hates bringing up her problems, You see a girl who is shy and quiet, The girl you normally call weird for just going to class with headphones on, But you wouldn't understand her if you knew her, No one does, Not because she's an alien in the mind of society, But because she has the capability to hide her pain from the World, Her bedroom walls, Her pillow, They're the only ones that know who she really is, They've collected her tears, Held her when it got too hard, You'll never truly know her, She won't let you get that close, That's why she makes it easy on you, That's why she smiles.

[theworldshiddenwords]

When you rape someone, You take more than their innocence, You take their life, Not physically, But mentally, Every corner is a fear, Every person they walk by is you, Every time they get close to someone, They fear the comments that come from telling them, When you rape someone, You take every single thing about them, You break them, You torture them, Even when you’re not around anymore, You make them feel worthless, You make them feel like nothing, You hurt them physically, But in most cases, it’s the mental scarring, It’s the constant replays, It’s the flashbacks, It’s the shaking when you get touched, It’s the heartbreak after heartbreak from the reminders, It’s the empty beer bottles, The pill bottles, It’s a blade, It’s all because you couldn’t take the answer “no.”

A survivor of rape.

[theworldshiddenwords]

Dear Him, So, how does it feel to use a girl that is down as fuck for you? How does it feel to break her heart over and over just to get your dick wet? How does it feel to make her feel special until you're done with her? Huh? Can't answer. Figured that'd be the case, you can't give a straight up answer because you're afraid of hurting her, well guess what, she's not as dumb as you make her out to be. She knows your games, but guess what, she knows how to play them too. You think you're the only one using her for sex? Nah, she's using you too. Yeah, she's down as fuck for you, but she's losing those feelings because she wants nothing to do with your indecisive ass. A real man, sweetheart, would yell from the rooftop that he has this girl in his life but you're not a real man. You're a boy. You're an immature, arrogant, typical fuckboy who just wants his dick wet.  The minute you realize you lost this girl, is the minute you'll learn what Jon Langston was talking about in "Right Girl, Wrong Time." But that's not my problem, nor my fault because she told you multiple times her feelings for you and all you said was it'll take time, but you only hit her up the minute you want your dick wet. It'll suck because she'll be with a guy who makes her happy and doesn't have to keep her a secret because his friends won't approve. We aren't 12 anymore, your friends shouldn't have to approve of who you date if that's the case, you need new friends.  I'm not trying to degrade you, but you obviously can't take the truth that's right in front of you and from her telling you, so may as well be harsh about it. You broke her heart more than once and she came back and calls you a friend still because that's who she is as a person, she hates giving up on people, but the day she does, I swear, you'll never get her back. You don't deserve a woman like that if all you want is to keep her a secret and to call her when you need your dick wet. Life is more important than how "you" and only "you" feel, she has feelings too and she shared them with you, but just wait, she'll show you what you're missing.  Sincerely,  Her. 

[theworldshiddenwords]

You told her she was overreacting, You told her she was giving up on love too quickly, You told her she was just too impatient, You told her to give it time, You told her to keep looking, You told her to stop looking, You told her to focus on her, You told her to love herself first, You told her to love what she has to offer the World, But, What do you do when what you have to offer was tragically altered? What do you do when what you have to offer was taken from you? What do you do when what you have to offer was thrown in your face and called pathetic? What do you do when what you have to offer was forcefully manipulated? What do you do when all you want is to die because of it? What do you do when all you hear is contradictions from those that mean the most to you? What do you do when you want to give up and never leave your room? What do you do when you want your best friend to be your blade again? What do you do when nothing goes right?

[theworldshiddenwords]

One minute a laugh fell from her lips, The next tears streamed down her cheeks, One minute she loved life, The next she wished she had her blade, One minute she was finally seeing color again, The next her world is back to black and white, One minute she's looking forward to the future, The next she's wanting nothing more than to die, One minute she's happy with who she is, The next she hates what she sees, One minute she sees her worth, The next she understands why no one wants her, One minute she's the girl people like to be around, The next she's the burden.

[theworldshiddenwords]

She wanted to die, But don’t tell her she shouldn’t think that way, She knows that, She understands that, She wants to die anyway, She’s tired, She’s tired of fighting, She’s tired of trying, She’s tired of battling an invisible illness, She’s tired of being handed shit after shit, She’s tired of having people telling her how proud they are of her, Because no matter how many times she hears it, It doesn’t change how she feels, It doesn’t change how she looks at the World, She’s tired of fighting a battle that seems to be three steps in front of her, She’s tired of being told that it’ll get better one day, But what they don’t get is some things are permanent, On her skin and within her, She wanted to die, Do you blame her?

[theworldshiddenwords]

When you try so hard to hold your head above water, but you're choking on the small amounts that slip through your lips. When you fall to the floor in a heap, wondering when it'll all end. When you look at the image in the mirror and wonder, has it always been that broken. When you ask yourself, is it worth fighting anymore?

Cass Pratt

[theworldshiddenwords]

You broke my heart, yet I was the one apologizing. You didn't care about my well-being, yet I spent hours sitting up wondering if you made it home okay. You threw my mental illness in my face, yet I made up excuses for the way you treated me. You broke me, but baby, I'm gonna come back a stronger woman than even your 'almighty ego' can handle. Remember you pushed me to my breaking point, this is my comeback.

Cass Pratt

[theworldshiddenwords]

You’re afraid of love because you know what happens when it’s not mutual. You’re afraid of love because you’re still coughing up water from the last time. You’re afraid of love because you always put 100% into it every single day when the other doesn’t. You’re afraid of love because you know it doesn’t always last.

Cass Pratt

[theworldshiddenwords]

I let you into my chaotic life when things were beginning to look brighter. You were happy about my little stress and the smile that never allowed a tear to slide down my cheek. The moment that it began to fall apart, you took your chance and left without warning or a reasoning. You left during the time I needed you most and with every text message that was sent, you left me on read. You left me breaking into a million pieces because you realized when I said I'm a mess, I wasn't kidding. You vanished during the hard times, so don't come back when they get good again. That's not how it works.

Excerpt from the book I'll never write.

[theworldshiddenwords]

Their absence speaks louder than their words. Remember that.

Cass Pratt

[theworldshiddenwords]

You're only human. Don't try to be something you're not in order to gain approval of others. You're worth more than their approval.

Cass Pratt