Just personal stuff I needed to talk/type about...
It’s amazing the things you figure out about yourself when are finally true and open to yourself... I have come in to 2016 with the urge, heck, the NEED, and the courage and determination to make it my year. A year where I will keep the resolutions I have been making for the last, probably, 10 years. Of course there’s the losing of weight, as most of us always say we are going to do, but this year that was actually more towards the bottom of my priority list. This year, in fact, I vowed to myself that I would really work at finally making myself happy, instead of ignoring problems and issues to just make others happy as I have been doing since I can remember. So instead, I chose 3 things I am determined to accomplish this year:
1. To come out to anyone and everyone, and to actually be proud of who I am.
2. Find an occupation that makes me happier and less stressed. And...
3. To put myself out there in the dating world and possibly find someone who loves me as much as I love them.
First and foremost, I have started my number 1 priority. About a week or 2 ago, I decided to come out to my sister. I have never, and never thought I would literally be at a loss of word, but getting the words “I’m gay,” out was the hardest phrase I have ever had to say. I literally tried about 10 times, as she kept asking me what was wrong, and it just would not come out of my mouth. Finally, I just said it, and honestly, to not a whole lot of surprise, she was completely ok with it. Even knowing she would probably be ok with it and that she probably knew already anyway, it was still so hard to get the words out. Luckily, she was okay with it, I balled my eyes out, and she came over, hugged me, and cried with me. It was a very beautiful moment... Next on the list, is my dad. He, on the other hand, has never been okay with the idea of anybody being gay. Once, back in my early teen years, we were talking casually, and just out of curiosity, I steered the conversation to eventually ask him “would you care if I wanted to be in ballet,” (No, I have never wanted to be in ballet, it was just a hypothetical) and he came back by saying “I don’t care what you are, as long as you are not gay”... That was the first of many days, even years, that I started to become constantly stressed, crying myself to sleep some nights, and being completely terrified of ever coming out. I tried many ridiculous things to hopefully make myself straight, such as 1. Date girls up until I was 21, but was too scared to ever have sex with any of them for fear of embarrassing myself because I wasn’t sexually attracted to them, 2. Watching only heterosexual porn, and tried out lesbian porn as well, and 3. I even at one point actually tried to “pray the gay away,” but obviously none of those worked and I was kidding myself... Anyway, I have yet to tell him, and of course I’m still terrified to, but I have decided I will come out to him the next time I see him on a non-holiday/event, so stay tuned for that...
2. My next resolution is to basically get somewhere in life. I want to get out of my parents house and finally be able to live on my own. Living with my grandma and mom are fine. There’s very little drama, and it’s free, so there’s no problems there. The biggest reason behind this one being number 2 is for me. Around early to mid November of last year, I started finding my emotions and sanity becoming more and more sensitive and weak.. It got to the point where it wouldn’t take much at all at work for me to just get that one customer (I’m in retail), that would be just bad enough that I would have to go to the back and cry and take deep breaths to calm myself down. It wasn’t being mad, it was more like how sensitive and easily it would make you cry when you were yelled at when you were a child by your parents when you were in biiiig trouble type of thing... Anyway, it started In November, which means Black Friday was still coming as well as the whole hectic month of December right behind and emotions just progressively got worst throughout the holidays... The less I have been at my jobs lately, the more I have had time to recover and look for work elsewhere. Let’s just say I have 2 part time jobs, with which both together barely make up 1 DECENT part time job hour-wise. Therefore, I have been using my time off to look for a good, full-time job so I can make good enough money to get my own apartment and finally live independently to.. You guessed it.. Help with resolution #3...
3. Finding love... Now, in my past relationships, I can say I have loved one of them (I am able to get emotionally attracted to women, so in a way, you can say I’m somewhere on the bi spectrum), however, I have never fallen IN love with anybody before. Now that I am being more true to myself, and allowing myself to be more open to my true sexuality, I have been trying the app thing.. Cuz we all know, in the gay community, finding a relationship is like finding a job, you either find it on the internet, or have to be referred by a friend. I, myself, have no gay friends, or at least none that live near me anymore, so finding someone through someone else is completely out, so I’ve been on, dare I say, Grindr lately... Surprisingly, I actually found somebody on there recently.. We started talking shortly before the New Year and decided to finally meet about 3 weeks ago. He’s handsome, has a great job, and just bought his own house, so all-in-all, he sounds like a real winner. And, y’know, he is, I’m kind of crazy about him to where I’m constantly thinking about him and can’t even eat half of the time for the most part cuz I can’t wait to see him again, but I’m not too sure he feels the same about me... There’s 3 things (seems most of my stuff is in increments of 3), that kind of bother me about him... The first is kind of out of our control, and that is his age. Now let me explain. It’s not the age itself that bothers me, there’s actually only 10 years difference (9 and x amount of months to get technical), but it is our future if we were to turn this into a relationship. We have talked quite a bit of course, and he has mentioned adoption in the near future (as in possibly by the end of this year), which I think is fantastic that he wants to become a dad, and he’s not getting any younger, but at the same time, I’m not personally ready for a child, and if we were to get into a relationship, call me selfish, but I would like to enjoy being in a serious relationship for at least a year or 2 and maybe at least consider marriage before we bring a kid into the mix, but considering we’re not an item, I’m in no position to really even talk about that. But I guess in a way, I feel like being with him, I will have to take on a kid right away and more or less put my life in fast-forward for him... My 2nd issue is sex. I will try not to get into too much detail. Now, we are taking it slow, emotionally, but of course our hormones kicked in and after a couple times meeting each other, we have had a little “fun” a few times. My issue sex-wise, is that I feel like it’s kind of one-sided most of the time. There’s more work and pleasure coming from me than he gives to me. Now, I would be totally fine with that if maybe the next time he would switch it up and make a little more about me, but so far, it’s been primarily this way. Also, having talked a little about past sexual experiences, he has said he has “topped,” but never “bottomed.” I on the other-hand, have done neither. That being the case though, I would kind of like to try both at some point, but I don’t know how willing he will be to do that. Heck, at this point, how things are progressing, I’m not even sure if he wants to have anything more with me than just sex. The only thing that makes me think possibly otherwise is that I have spent the night at his house about 5 times now, and we have only had “fun” a couple of those times. So I’m probably just a little at war with myself about that part... The 3rd issue I have, is basically the same as the 2nd, but in conversation form. I’m making this sound complicated... Basically, I like to ask questions and learn about someone, which I have been doing. However, and maybe this is just how he works because trust me, he’s not a man a very many words, he very rarely asks me anything about myself. That’s another thing that makes me wonder if this is just a sex thing of if he really likes me like he has said he does... He does send cute “Miss you already” texts, and going back to my original statement about “learning stuff about yourself,” I have learned from this relationship type of thing that I like things that I never thought I would like... Such as I found that I absolutely LOVE to cuddle, I do prefer more clingy to more distant, and random cute texts like “miss you” or “good morning” or “have a good day,” literally make me go from stressed to happy and give me butterflies in my stomach in a split second...
So anyway, this all probably sounded really annoying and dramatic, buuut I just needed to get some of this stuff off my chest anyway, and I don’t have the patience to write it in a journal, so I figured it would be safe writing stuff here for nobody to read anyway :P
prguitarman
romaincrisis
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