Scars, they will not fade away.

I've seen love die way too many times when it deserved to be alive.

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No One Cares To Talk About It

[theywillnxtfadeaway]

[thegirlbornbackwards :]

Effy waited for him and tried to focus on things more. She was going to be okay. She was calm now and she knew she just had to keep Freddie around. He seemed to be the one who got her to be like this. She sighed as she sat up and looked at the door to see if he was almost done yet. She really just wanted to rest and have him be right next to her.

She was looking at the ground when he came out and held his hand out. She looked up at him and nodded slowly before taking his hand and holding it slightly tight as she lead the way into her room. It looked like normal again and she couldn’t see any sign of the mess she made earlier. Everything seemed safe. For now. She didn’t know how long it’d last, but hopefully she could sleep before it all came back.

She let go of his hand and crawled onto the bed. She held her pillow close and looked up at Freddie; hoping he’d lay down by her. She looked back at him with tears in her eyes and squeezed them closed as she curled up in a ball. She looked like the image of herself earlier when she was under her bed; the only thing changing was she was on it now.

She was so scared. So scared, and Freddie could see that fear written all over her face, even if he hadn’t been able to see her eyes swimming with tears and her figure slowly curling as small as she could get it. At least she was on the bed this time, rather than underneath it. At least he could settle with her this time, rather than trying to get close enough in with her in a space far too small for more than one person to settle.

He waited a moment after she laid down before moving around the other side of the bed, sitting down on the edge of it. Brushing his fingertips over her cheek, tucking hair back behind her ear, Freddie watched Effy close in on herself, watched her find some kind of solace in his presence. At least he could do this much. Without another word, he pulled the comforter up from the foot of the bed, dragging it over them both as he laid behind her to wrap an arm around her waist. 

“You’ll be alright, Eff,” he offered softly. He hoped she would, at least. He hoped she would get better, that all of this was just her being on a bad trip, maybe an after effect of the shrooms they’d taken back months ago. Those effects were supposed to linger, weren’t they? He thought he’d read something like that, at least. “You’ll be alright. Get some sleep, we’ll nip out of here and get something to eat in the morning.”

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No One Cares To Talk About It

[theywillnxtfadeaway]

[thegirlbornbackwards:]

Effy sat shaking on the stair and tried to figure out Freddie’s words between everything else happening inside her. She was trying to tell herself over and over again that everything was going to be okay. That she was okay. She had Freddie there and that was all that mattered to her. That’s all that should’ve mattered in this exact moment. She tried thinking about that, but it was hard fighting the other thoughts.’

“Just hurry.” She whispered and looked into his eyes. She needed that feeling of knowing he was there again back inside her. To look into his eyes and knowing she was safe. “Don’t let me see any of it.” She reached out and touched his cheek. “I’ll be fine if you don’t let me see.” She assured him as she found some strength inside her to just tell him this.

Effy moved her hand and let him go into her room. She closed her eyes as she leaned her head against the wall and for the first time, she actually felt how tired she was. She felt the sleepiness start to wash over her and moved as she tried to get comfortable as she fought the tiredness long enough for Freddie to clean up her mess once again.

He was impressed, admittedly, when she managed to get out more than a few words, when her hand lifted to brush over his cheek, and that drew a soft smile to his face. That was more than he was expecting from her that night, honestly, and he was glad to see she was making some progress now. Perhaps he could handle this after all, perhaps he could make all of this work. Without need of more help.

Moving quickly, Freddie gathered up all of the clippings he’d come upstairs to earlier, pulling them down from the walls and off of the bed to crumple up and stuff into the first plastic bag he could find. He would have to take that out later, and Effy certainly wouldn’t be taking it out in the morning, but if he stuck it out in the hall for now at least, it would be out of the way. That was just what she needed, or so he hoped, for the moment.

Stepping back out, he crouched down beside her again and held his hand out to her. “Let’s go lay down,” he offered softly, making sure the bag was behind him and, therefore, out of her line of vision. “Everything’s cleaned up. You’ll feel better in the morning, I bet.” He hoped, at least. He didn’t know if that was accurate or not, but he could certainly hope that she would be alright. That was all he had to cling to now.

[theywillnxtfadeaway]

No One Cares To Talk About It

[theywillnxtfadeaway]

[thegirlbornbackwards:]

Effy gripped the blanket and watched the scene. She missed under her bed. She missed the slight safety she felt there and the fact she wouldn’t had to have seen Cook. Or what the thought was slight hesitation from Freddie before he got back to her. She stayed quiet and leaned against him as he talked to her while she calmed and took another drag. 

“Yeah.” She crooked to his question and smoked a little more before passing it to him. She watched Freddie for a couple minutes before she found the strength to go up the stairs. She found her room and stared at the paper cut outs and mess she had made just hours before. Her eyes darted everywhere before she recoiled out of the room and leaned against the wall. 

She felt herself shaking, but wasn’t sure if it was going to stop. Everything was messed up. She was messed up. She could feel it. Something was wrong. She wanted it all to stop. “Freddie…” She whispered and closed her eyes before sliding down the wall and putting her head in her hands. “Freddie.”

Freddie only took a couple puffs off of the joint before Effy was back on her feet, and he pushed himself up to follow her to her room. The room that was full of papers and mess that she had made, full of proof of the questionable state of her mind at the moment. He stayed back a bit while she looked around the room, letting her assess it, but when she stepped out and slid down the wall in moments, he was back by her side, touching the backs of her hands with the palms of his.

“Eff,” he offered softly. “Eff, everything’s alright. It’s just your room. It’s just some paper, nothing I can’t clean up, alright? It’s alright.” He had the feeling that his words of comfort fell flat, that Effy was still going to be upset, but he had to try nonetheless. Something was going to get through to her, he was certain, as long as he kept trying.

Brushing his thumbs against the backs of her hands, he lowered his to rest on her knees gently, lowering his head down to rest on them and try to catch her eye. “Give me like a minute to clean the clippings up, yeah?” he continued with a forced little smile. “As soon as I finish cleaning in there, we can get you to bed. Won’t take but a minute, I promise.”

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No One Cares To Talk About It

[theywillnxtfadeaway]

[thegirlbornbackwards:]

Effy jumped again when she heard the nose. She was frightened and held the blanket closer to try to find some comfort. She bit her lip hard as she watched Freddie go downstairs. She was scared to death about what was down there or who was there and scared even more for her and Freddie’s lives. She tried to look, but the fear made her sit back on the top stair and just hold the blanket as tightly as she could. 

She heard Cook’s voice and while she should’ve felt relief, she didn’t. Instead, she felt more fear. She had no idea why he was there. What he was doing. Her heart pounded against her chest and she watched as Freddie and him moved through the hall and tried to get him out of her house. But then he stopped and looked at her. She felt tears rise up again and leak out of her eyes as she stared at him for a second.

“Get out.” She said instantly. “Freddie, get him out.” She said and pulled the covers up tighter. The sooner he left, the sooner she’d be okay. Her and Freddie could resume getting her to calm down and she’d be fine. That’s all she could tell herself. Soon, she’d be fine.

“I’ve got him, Eff, don’t worry,” he reassured softly, though Freddie knew that wasn’t going to help. A reassurance from a distance, when Cook was standing right beside him and trying to understand what was wrong with Effy, was hardly going to do a thing. Effy was too lost in her own mind right now to know what was proper to be afraid of and what wasn’t truly a risk. He could still hope, nonetheless, that she would be alright, that his reassurance would do something, even as he all but shoved Cook out the door with the demand that he go sleep in his shed instead of trying to stay here. His sister would never look in the shed, he hoped.

Letting out a breath as the door clicked shut again and he locked it behind his friend, Freddie let his hand rest on the wood for a long minute before pulling away and making his way back up the stairs to her side. “See? All fine,” he reassured, winding his arm back around her shoulders. “I’m gonna protect you, Eff. No one’s gonna hurt you, I promise.”

And reallly, he didn’t know if he could properly make that promise. He didn’t think he could, not with all of the outer forces that surrounded them, not with the knowledge of what happened when someone started to lose their mind so fresh in his memories. He knew what had happened to his mother -- the same seemed all too liable to happen to Effy now, much though he hoped beyond hope that it wouldn’t. “Smoke a little more, and then we’ll sleep this off, yeah?”

[theywillnxtfadeaway]

No One Cares To Talk About It

[theywillnxtfadeaway]

[thegirlbornbackwards:]

Effy didn’t know if Freddie actually saw what she did, but she also didn’t care. What mattered right now was that he was there. He was helping her. He was protecting her. She leaned into him and just held onto his clothes as tight as she could. She needed the comfort and that’s exactly what she got. She just wish she could actually be happy about it.

She, of course, believed him when he said nothing was going to hurt her. He was the boy she loved, so of course he was going to protect her. And he had so far. He chased off everyone in the party, even their friends, and scared off whatever was going on in her head. She felt 100% safe with him and nothing would change that. At least, she hoped. If the things after her got stronger, that was going to be difficult for the both of them.

She didn’t say anything until she heard a noise in the kitchen. Panic shot through her and she tensed up. “Freddie, what was that?” She asked, her voice in a whisper and cracking from her tears. She bit her lip as she held the blanket around her; her heart beat starting to quicken and she could feel her breathing doing the same.

It was easier, now that they were sitting out on the stairs and she seemed to be breathing okay. He took to playing with her hair while they smoked, looking her over quietly to gauge how well he was doing with her now. He hoped this was all she was going to need, that he would be able to fix everything from here with just simple reassurance in this manner. Something in him, though, knew that it would never be this simple.

He was so focused on her that he didn’t hear the sound at first, and so when she questioned, he shook his head, lifting a hand to push her hair back from her face gently. “Nothing. It was nothing, Eff. Just a mouse or--” But there it was again, the sound that she’d heard from the kitchen, and he was almost relieved that it wasn’t a delusion this time. 

Pausing a moment, he looked toward the kitchen before getting to his feet and speaking again. “Stay here. Everything’s gonna be fine, I promise.” With the reassurance, he made his way down the stairs quickly, completely intending to kick out whoever was still there, or beat them if need be. It was the sight of Cook there that surprised him, made him pause and have a brief conversation with him, before insisting that he leave. He couldn’t deal with both Cook and Effy right now, and Effy had to take priority, as he was insisting while he walked Cook back to the door. Of course, it would be just his luck that Cook would notice Effy at the top of the stairs and try to stop and talk to her.

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No One Cares To Talk About It

[theywillnxtfadeaway]

thegirlbornbackwards:

Effy was hesitant of everything. She didn’t want to look out into the hallway. She was so sure her demons were going to be out there. The things that wanted her so bad. She held onto Freddie tightly and almost bit her lip hard enough that it bled as she looked out there. She walked out slowly before attaching herself almost to his body and walking very slowly to where he was leading her.

She didn’t say a word as he handed her the blunt. She just took it and put it between her lips. She just needed something to relax her right now. That’s all that mattered. She took a deep drag after he lit and and listened to his words. He didn’t understand and she wasn’t sure if she could make him. She slowly moved the blunt from her lips and breathed out the smoke.

“I… I needed it to stop.” She said barely able a whisper and tears ran down her cheeks. “They were all after me and I wanted them to go away.” She brought her knees to her chest and cried into them. She needed to escape. That’s all she was doing. And saying goodbye was the only thing she could think of doing.

“I know... I know,” Freddie returned softly, shifting over to wrap around her and rub her back lightly while she cried. He didn’t know, of course; he hadn’t seen whatever she was seeing, wasn’t suffering from the same kind of delusion that she was lost in the midst of. But he could understand the fear she was feeling, and could remember watching similar things happen to someone he loved just as much once upon a time.

Ducking his head closer to her, he pressed a kiss to the top of Effy’s head, letting out a quiet sigh. “It’s alright. I’m just glad I found you in time. Nothing’s gonna hurt you now, okay? I promise. I’ve got you.” He was making a grand promise, he knew; he was making the kind of promise that was often impossible to keep, for there were only so many ways you could protect someone, after all.

But he could certainly try. Even though Freddie knew he couldn’t protect Effy from the things that were chasing her inside her head, he thought he could do more than others likely thought he could. He could do more than his father had done for his mother, more than anyone else had done for her. All he had to do now was just keep close, hold on to her and make certain she wasn’t alone.

[theywillnxtfadeaway]

No One Cares To Talk About It

[theywillnxtfadeaway]

thegirlbornbackwards:

Effy didn’t say anything. Actually, she couldn’t. She found herself unable to come up with words now that she was out from under the bed. Something was telling her that if she spoke, everything she was running from would come and find her now that she was out in open. Her heart was pounding and she tried to stay calm now that she was in Freddie’s arms. She just prayed that she was really safe with him.

When she felt a little safer, she closed her eyes and leaned against him. She didn’t realize it until now, but she was cold and his body heat was making her feel better. Apparently he had noticed too because he wanted her to get her quilt and warm up. She really wasn’t sure if she should, but some spliff did sound nice. Maybe that’d bring everything back to reality. Slowly, she moved off him and grabbed her blanket before wrapping it around her. 

Effy just stood there as she waited for Freddie to lead the way to the stairs. She wasn’t going to go first. She didn’t trust the world outside the room. She wanted to know she was safe. She could just imagine walking out there and something happening to her. That’s the last thing she wanted. Slowly, once he did start to move, she followed him and bit her lip nervously; waiting for something to happen.

She was so loathe to move away from him that Freddie almost felt guilty for suggesting it; he didn’t want her to be more afraid than she already was, but he needed to warm her up, and the only thing he could think of that might calm her down was currently sitting in his pocket in his pack of smokes, waiting for them to use. It didn’t even dawn on him that that might make things worse that one of the effects of pot was sometimes paranoia and Effy could come away feeling worse for it. He didn’t want to consider that what he was doing might not help her.

Taking Effy’s hand when she returned to him with the blanket around her shoulders, he moved in front of her to open the door to the hall slowly, letting her see that the hall was empty and safe before continuing out to the top of the steps. Nudging her gently, he waited until she sat down before settling in next to her, pulling out his pack of cigarettes to fish out the blunt he’d rolled earlier in anticipation of smoking with her. “Here, take this,” he offered softly, holding it out to let her take it before fishing out his lighter.

“You’re really taking the piss this time, huh, Eff?” he teased lightly, snapping the lighter to light the blunt between her lips before setting it back on his knee.  “You had me really worried, you know. When I saw that goodbye there... I don’t know what I’d do without you.” Draping his arm over her shoulders gently, Freddie rubbed the top of her arm lightly, hoping to transfer more heat to her to warm her up faster.

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No One Cares To Talk About It

[thegirlbornbackwards]

Effy could hear everyone leaving. She heard Freddie’s voice shouting and getting everyone out. She heard the music stop and the silence that was coming out of the noise. She kept herself curled up and started to slowly feel safe in her house again. The voices were all leaving and whatever it was trying to get her was going away. But she still couldn’t bring herself to come out of hiding. Not until Freddie was back.

When he finally came back, she looked at him and carefully reached her hand out to take his. She knew that everyone was gone and with him promising, she really hoped nothing was going to get her. Slowly, she started crawling out from under the bed and kept a hold of him tightly. “Thank you.” She said as he kept him close. “Thank you for getting them to go away.”

[theywillnxtfadeaway]

Honestly, Freddie hadn’t thought Effy would come out from under the bed. He’d been fairly positive he would have to crawl under it with her, hide there with her until she fell asleep and he could text his sister to get him help. He’d been so certain she was too far gone at the moment, well past what he could properly handle on his own. And in some capacity, even as she started to move out from underneath it, he knew that he was in far over his head with her. He was in over his head, and Effy was too far gone for him to do anything real for, aside from prolonging the inevitable.

But he wasn’t going to say that. Instead, he focused on her hand around his, on watching her move out from the tight ball she’d crawled into and, instead, all but into his lap as she surfaced from the floor. “It’s alright,” he reassured softly, pulling her in when she was free to wrap his arms around her in a tight, grounding hug. He’d read something about this, he was positive -- something about grounding sensations and drawing someone back to earth, about weight being a helpful feeling. He hoped, anyway. He hoped he was helping, not hurting, the girl who was now hugged in close against his chest.

“Everything’s gonna be alright. I got everyone out, no one’s gonna hurt you.” He paused for a beat, kissing the top of her head gently, before commenting, “You’re freezing, Eff. Here. Grab your quilt. I’ve got some spliff with me, we’ll sit on the stairs so we don’t smoke up your room, and I’ll clear your bed when you’re feeling up to sitting on your own for a minute, alright?” He wasn’t sure she would get to that point, honestly, but he would cross that bridge when they got there. “I’ve got you now, I’m not gonna leave you tonight, I promise.”

[theywillnxtfadeaway]

No One Cares To Talk About It

[thegirlbornbackwards]

Effy stared at Freddie and squeezed his hand. The only comfort she knew right now was him. She was so scared that something was going to happen and she hoped he’d be there to fight everyone away; even the demons that were coming to attack her.

“I’ll be here.” She said softly and pulled her knees up into her chest. If she made herself into a ball, maybe, just maybe no one would be able to get her. “Just get them out.” She begged and tried to control her breathing. She had to stay calm because if she didn’t, they would surely get her.

[theywillnxtfadeaway]

Watching her curl herself up, Freddie didn’t look away until he heard something breaking out in the main area of the flat, a sound that made him curse under his breath. “Just a few minutes, they’ll be gone,” he promised again. He didn’t want to leave her now, especially since he’d seen how scared she looked, but... getting everyone out was priority one. And so he pulled back, pushed himself to his feet, and exited the room to clear out the party that didn’t seem to want to break up until he yelled loudly enough to hoarse his throat.

When he’d nudged the last couple people out the door, practically peeling them apart from one another to make them leave, he locked it behind himself and looked around at the mess only briefly before darting back up the stairs two at a time. It had taken him almost ten minutes to clear everyone out, and he couldn’t help but wonder if Effy would still be under the bed or not. The knot in his stomach told him that she could have done something while he’d been away, and he wouldn’t know until he got back into the room.

He could hear her still, though, when he closed the bedroom door behind himself again, and so he lowered himself back onto the floor to peer under the bed at her. “Everyone’s gone,” he said softly, shifting so that he could reach a hand out toward her again. “Can you come out now? If not, I can come under there with you. Whatever you’re hiding from, I’m not gonna let it get you, though. I promise, nothing’s gonna get you, Eff.”

[theywillnxtfadeaway]

No One Cares To Talk About It

[thegirlbornbackwards]

Effy looked at him as he laid down. Out of everything that was a mess in her head right now, he was the only thing making sense. The only thing that she wasn’t scared of. “I thought I wanted them here, Freddie.” She told her; her voice cracking and tears falling from eyes and rolling down her cheeks and onto the floor. She couldn’t understand if this made sense but she knew he wouldn’t judge.

“I thought they’d scare them away but they didn’t. I don’t want them here, Freds.” She took a deep breath. “I thought I did, but I don’t.” She closed her eyes and let out a sob. She prayed he’d do something about it because she couldn’t find the strength to kick them out. She could barely find the strength to talk to the man she loved.

[theywillnxtfadeaway]

She really didn’t make sense, even as she was explaining herself. Inching a hand over to hers as she told him she didn’t want the people here anymore, that she’d made a mistake and thought wrong, he let her words wash over him even as he squeezed her hand gently. She was trying to scare someone away -- who, he didn’t know, but that didn’t matter at the moment. She was alright, at least, and he could handle this. He could handle this.

Speaking softly, he dragged his thumb over her knuckles. “I’ll get rid of them,” he promised softly. “Just... do me a favor and stay here, okay? Stay right here, I’ll be back in a few minutes. Nothing bad is gonna happen, I promise. I’m gonna take care of you now. Okay?” He wanted that verbal reassurance, wanted to hear it from her, but he knew he couldn’t really expect it from her. He lingered, though, keeping his hand wrapped around hers and waiting for her to respond.

[theywillnxtfadeaway]

No One Cares To Talk About It

[thegirlbornbackwards]

Effy didn’t say a word as Freddie came in. She couldn’t get herself to call out to him. If she did, she knew they’d come in and get her. And she couldn’t let them. She released more silent tears and curled into herself even more as she watched his feet. “Freds…” She barely got out and hoped he heard her. She couldn’t say it much louder. She wouldn’t.

[theywillnxtfadeaway]

He could barely hear her; over the pounding bass still pouring into the room from the lower floor, the almost haze that had flooded his mind as he looked around at the room, he barely heard the sound of her voice coming from the corner of the room. Staring around himself for another moment as he tried to source her voice, he realized -- she was under the bed. She was hiding under the bed, as if she were a frightened child. And in some way, maybe at the moment, that’s just what she was, wasn’t it?

He felt the familiar pull of guilt in the bottom of his stomach as he lowered himself down to the ground to peer under the bed, to gauge how she was feeling and if he was, yet again, in over his head. Her voice was weak, raspy, and he could see as soon as she came into view that she’d been crying. And yet, still, the instinctive question was what sounded first, insensitive in language but obviously laced with concern. “Effy, what the fuck is going on?”

And despite it, he laid down, letting his cheek rest against the floor so that he could look parallel with her, as though they were on the same plane. They weren’t, at the moment; Effy was off somewhere else, seeing things he couldn’t, and he knew she was. But he could act it nonetheless. “I’m sorry,” he offered up, more gently this time. Best to get it in the air, to try to distract her from everything. “I’m sorry that I shouted at you as well.”

[theywillnxtfadeaway]

No One Cares To Talk About It

[thegirlbornbackwards]

Effy hid under the bed and listened to the party downstairs. One minute, she wanted every at her house. She thought maybe, just maybe that it’d keep the beings who wanted her away. Maybe she’d gain the strength back she used to have that fought off everything else. But she could feel herself growing weaker and weaker. And they were coming for her. The people in her home just made it worse and she waned them to leave. 

She heard another bang on her door and flinched; folding more into herself as she prayed whatever it was would just go away. But then, she heard Freddie’s voice. Freddie. He was the only one she could trust. She opened her tear stained eyes and looked around to make sure she was safe. She couldn’t let them know where she was hiding. Slowly, she crawled out and unlocked the door before quickly going back under and waiting for Freddie to come in. She made sure to stay quiet just in case he wasn’t alone.

[theywillnxtfadeaway]

He could tell already, just from the lack of verbal response, that Effy wasn’t alright. With his heart pounding in his throat, he kept a hand pressed to the door, hoping beyond what he thought was possible that she would actually open the door. It was almost too loud in the hall for him to pick up the sound of the lock clicking open, for him to realize that she was at least present enough to let him in, even if she couldn’t face down the door herself. 

He heard it, though, and with a quick glance around himself to make sure no one was coming closer, he stepped into the room, shutting the door behind himself with a quick, “Effy?” Turning around, though, only brought an empty room into sight -- a room with walls covered in the papers he’d seen her cutting up earlier. Papers that were now littered with words and red writing, letters that implied death and danger in ways he hadn’t anticipated.

She was farther gone than he’d thought she was, wasn’t he? If the walls were anything to go by, Freddie hadn’t seen even half of what he should have seen, and maybe... Maybe he couldn’t be as angry at his father as he’d thought he could be, if this was how things had gone with his mother. Maybe it hadn’t been as obvious as he thought it was in hindsight. All he could tell at the moment was that he had more to do for her than he’d known. And looking around at the walls, focusing on the words that cropped up between pictures, he had no idea where to even start at the moment.

[theywillnxtfadeaway]

No One Cares To Talk About It

It was kind of like deja vu, in some ways. Though Freddie could hardly remember what his mother had been like when she was healthy, he could remember quite clearly what she had been like in the weeks before her death. The mania wasn’t something he was used to, but he recognized the low. He recognized the hiding, the attempts at covering up everything that was so clearly... wrong. He recognized enough that, when he arrived at the house to see the crowd of people inside, he looked almost too quickly around for some kind of sign that things were off. And when he couldn’t find Effy and no one knew where she was, well. That was only more reason for the panic in his throat to rise, bitter and all too familiar.

The locked bedroom door was even worse, and Freddie couldn’t help but wonder if he was going to have to call another ambulance, if he hadn’t been watching another person die in front of his face without realizing it. He didn’t want to make her more nervous than she already could have been, though -- and with the locked door and the note on the wall, he couldn’t help but think her paranoia was likely sky high. He remembered paranoia better than almost anything else he had witnessed with his mother, after all. With only one knock, quiet and careful, he spoke through the door softly, hoping he would be heard over the din of the crowd and the pounding bass coming from lower in the house.

“Effy, come on. Unlock the door, let me in. Just unlock the door, please.”

[skinsaddiction]

[majozu]

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