Thieves Den

[thieveden]

byf

21 years old. i prefer parts language rather than alters. we will mostly reblog resources or things that we relate to, with the occasional ramblings

i follow back on my main blog, but i want to keep this blog separate from that one. if you know me from main or connect the dots somehow please do not share this blog around. thanks

dni non-traumagenic or supporter

[draconym]

It's nuts how common it is to not allow children to be angry, even (especially) in households where adults are angry all the time. As a child I knew my own anger was unacceptable--not just expressing it outwardly but feeling it at all. So now as an adult my immediate reaction to my own anger is often to feel guilt instead of like. Noticing when someone is being rude or unfair or my boundaries are being violated or whatever. fucked up.

[gatheringbones]

[“There is an awful, pervasive myth out there that people who abuse others do so simply because they are bad people—because they are sadistic, or because they enjoy other people’s pain. This is, I think, part of the reason why so many people who have been abusive in the past or present resist the use of the terms “abuse” or “abuser” to describe their behavior. In fact, very, very, very few people who abuse are motivated to do so by sadism.

In my experience as a therapist and community support worker, when people are abusive, it’s usually because they have a reason based in desperation or suffering. Some reasons for abusive behavior I have heard include: “I am isolated and alone, and the only person who keeps me alive is my partner. This is why I can’t let my partner leave me.” “My partner hurts me all the time. I was just hurting them back.” “I am sick, and if I don’t force people to take care of me, then I will be left to die.” “I am suffering, and the only way to relieve the pain is to hurt myself or others.” “I didn’t know that what I was doing was abuse. People always did the same to me. I was just following the script.” “No one will love me unless I make them.”

All of these are powerful, real reasons for abuse—but they are never excuses. There is no reason good enough to excuse abusive behavior. Reasons help us understand abuse, but they do not excuse it. Accepting this is essential to transforming culpability into accountability and turning justice into healing.”]

Kai Cheng Thom, What to Do When You’ve Been Abusive Annotated Edition, from Beyond Survival: Strategies and Stories From The Transformative Justice Movement

[flutterbvnny]

daily affirmation i do NOT have a secret disgusting evil hidden within me that will some day make its way out

[natalieironside]

Due to my weird childhood and my weird brain, I have this very unhelpful compulsion to conceal Everything I do from Everyone. I Cannot be observed performing any action, no matter how mundane. My nervous system is convinced I'm gonna, like, Get In Trouble for eating food at dinnertime or sleeping in my bed at bedtime.

I've taken to asking myself, "Okay does this task actually require subterfuge or am I stealing a balloon on Free Balloon Day"

[thieveden]

it feels like every day i realize this shit runs deeper than i thought

i feel odd for even considering it but emotional incest really fits whatever me and my mom have going on and its kind of upsetting i wont lie. and makes me feel strange and silly. like its not that bad its just more emotional abuse on top of everything, nothing i shouldnt be able to handle, so why does it bother me so much? and also guilty for thinking of my mom as someone whod do all that to me.. and using such a strong word to describe our relationship

i already feel awful thinking of her as abusive, but incestuous? for some reason feels like an even worse adjective with even more damning implications. but it really is a near perfect word to describe us and it fucking sucks actually cause it opens up an entirely new can of worms lol /joyless /grim

all my life ive always felt this overbearing responsibility for my moms happiness. if shes had a bad day then its my fault because shes always taken it out on me. whenever i let her down or dont get her explicit approval i feel crushed and ashamed/angry at myself. how could i do that to my mother whos sacrificed so much for me? she has nothing but me, her lifes been so unfair and im only adding to how awful it is by disappointing/upsetting her. im selfish for wanting freedom. because of all this ive never gone out of my way to establish boundaries or had any sort of rebellious phase, an important part of adolescence that allows teens to branch out outside of their households rules.. ive always just took everything my mom said or felt as final. ive never responded or argued back, its best to go quiet and take it

i took my moms life away with my birth.. so she lives vicariously through me, seeing me as her ideal self and best friend and eternal pet. its so exhausting wishing to fulfill these 3 roles at once for the sake of her happiness sdgnjgdfbdhfsdbfhgd and i cant, i never have, and its been so distressing to grow up with the guilt of never being the perfect child because i cant do the impossible. it hurts to not be good for my mother

its embarrassing because of how much this impacts pretty much every other area of my life and im a whole adult.. like i hardly trust myself to make my own decisions and im so hesitant to do anything. im afraid of the world and despite how tense my relationship is with my mom, i always end up wanting to run back to her (even though im neglected lol /joyless /grim) it makes me feel so incompetent and small in comparison to every other adult in my life. everyones confidently growing to detach from their parents and im still seeking their validation, even if subconsciously. ive realized a while ago a lot of my actions thus far have been me unconsciously self sabotaging because its more comfortable for me to remain enmeshed since its what im used to and its so fucking humiliating!!!!!! and i hate myself so much for it even if it isnt entirely my fault!!!! all of it at once just makes me feel like a big idiot

and when i get into my moms relationship with HER mom. my god that just makes everything so much more upsetting and frustrating. when i see them i feel like im looking at a possibility. something that me and my own mom could easily become if nothing is changed. and it scares the shit out of me because i cant imagine a worse life. remaining under my mothers control forever, still being put under constant surveillance and being expected to keep her happy.. at the age of 45 in my own home with my child and husband... seemingly "unable" to get rid of her or say no. id never accept that. truly i think id kill myself or seriously attempt

[3000s]

when you think about it it's just kind of crazy how you can be neglected and abused your whole childhood instead of experiencing a brief moment of being taken care of while learning how to be a person, and then once you're an adult it's like ok now i'm still essentially raising myself in a shitty situation but this time my adult peers are like mad at me because i'm not as emotionally healthy as them, and on top of that i still have to save my own life

[3000s]

and it's not that i expect to be rescued it's that i'm tired of having to save myself

[3000s]

also sick of being condescendingly told "nobody's coming to save you, you have to save yourself" as if i'm not painfully aware of that as i have been doing this shit my whole life but i just want somewhere safe to rest momentarily without my life falling apart

[thieveden]

growing up i wasnt even able to conceptualize a 25+ year old version of myself.. i could hardly even see myself making it to 20, but suddenly thats my reality and i dont even know what to do with myself

its always been hard trying to care about a future that i couldnt envision, and it led to me not looking forward to anything and slacking off on my classes and not trying to reach those milestones, like keeping a job or learning to drive. i havent done so many things all because i didnt see any point.

id always scare myself because i was convinced id die somewhere alone on the streets or id die in my bed with my door locked shut and nobody would care. id cry so much, like i was mourning my own loss before itd even happened. i always mourned the life i wished i couldve had, if only i was more attractive, more smart, more important, more motivated, more fortunate, more special. i always wanted to be more but never bothered putting effort in chasing it

im in college now and i still have this mindset. i hardly have any faith in myself after all my failures and its like, why even try? ive been tortured by this question for so long. why try? theres nothing for me. the world is so unfair, even if i graduate what would i even do with my degree? what good does any of it do for me? im still just me. i have nothing to offer, i dont come from money and i dont have connections, ill struggle to pay for anything regardless of my education. its all so hopeless and gray and horrible

i guess the core of it is fear.

[thieveden]

a bit of a weird ramble:

i know that comparing trauma between two people is always bad cause everyones different but its honestly hard to take myself seriously when ive mostly only been through emotional neglect.

its weird because ive found myself in the past wishing that something worse would happen, preferably one thats unavoidable, it leaves a physical mark on me that everyone sees. i think this is due to the neglect because my emotions were never seen and so i thought maybe if it was visible then itd matter more? which also explains my past constant suicide ideation. i didnt really want to die, i wanted to fail on purpose so that i would be seen

i guess me not taking myself seriously is also a result of it cause thats what i learned. ive internalized that my feelings dont matter. i wouldnt at all think this way about another person if they came to me with the same childhood, but only when its me i think its all rather silly and nothing worth caring about

its not like i seriously do wish that things were worse. i just get really sad thinking about how obviously unwell i was and nobody around me cared or even noticed, regardless of how id ask for help. idk i wish it was different

[ben-marco]

Does anyone realize that the "everyone is valid" thing has actual diagnostic implications?

Yes, every case of DID will have differences from another. But all DID cases must meet diagnostic criteria in order to actually be DID. You can't say "everyone is valid" and "DID can look like anything" because really, it can't. At the end of the day, there are still diagnostic criteria that must be met. If anything goes and anything is valid and anything can be DID, then DID is nothing and we might as well not even classify it as a disorder at all.

Same thing as people who say that "everyone has a little bit of DID" or "everyone has parts". Yes, you act differently at work than you do at home. This does not mean that you have dissociated parts of a fragmented self, and if it did, then DID would be a redundant diagnosis and there would be no need to have it in the ICD or DSM if "everyone" had it.

[rottenteeth]

Making a seperate post for this but:

The reason we KNOW scientifically that alters are not people is the fact that new splits often take memories from other alters who cannot handle those experiences.

Alters are a complex form of compartmentalization.

Just as the EP in PTSD is how the brain compartmentalizes a trauma event. Alters are how the brain compartmentalizes conflicting experiences, needs, wants, actions, traumas, and daily functions.

[thieveden]

finally having a safe space to let out everything ive been hiding for my entire life was so overwhelming that i immediately cried when my counselor asked me what im there for. it was instinct for me to apologize for being there and for crying for seemingly no reason and for wasting her time. i am so stupid for not being able to answer her. i was so ready to be shamed that my entire body was tense. and when she said it was okay and gently reassured me that i can take my time, i just cried more but out of relief.

she helped me calm down and its like a weight was lifted, and for the first time, i felt like it was safe to cry. id never been shown how to calm down or assess my feelings. id never been shown patience or gentleness, ive only been taught to chastise myself. i always felt as though i should be punished, for no reason in particular, just for existing i guess.

ill spare too many details but it means so much to me to have this. in a weird way it helps make me feel less crazy. i often convince myself that its all in my head and im so horrible to be so affected by nothing. everyones mom is a little mean to them sometimes. but hearing from her that my feelings are okay and i am worthy and brave, it just means so much to me. i feel seen for the first time.

[moonlitmeadowsys]

"Maybe I will be fronting when we wake up tomorrow," she thought, foolishly.

[tlirsgender]

By the way. Before you rush to get a professional diagnosis for a Brain Thing you should really weigh your options. Like do you just want to "prove it" or will this actually give you access to treatment you can't have otherwise? Are the treatment options available worth having the government know you're neurodivergent? Because sometimes it's better to keep things off the record because unfortunately we still live in a very deeply ableist society and you might not want to have more real material oppression stacked against you than you have to

[tlirsgender]

Idk I see a lot of people seeking diagnoses just for, like, validation??? You do not have to do that. I cannot stress enough how much you don't have to do that. If people give you a hard time about being self diagnosed you can just tell them to eat shit. Better yet, you don't have to disclose your diagnostic status in the first place! Your medical history isn't anyone's business and I wholeheartedly support lying to doctors. Be free. You are allowed to control the information you share with people even (or especially!) if they're in a position of power

[oursystemblog]

Hi I’m a newly discovered system and its been causing me a little stress that I (the host?) don’t experience blackouts or full amnesia, but then I read some of your old posts about feeling like everything’s in grayscale and emotional amnesia and was like “:0 that’s like me!”

I was wondering if you would be okay describing what it feels like when someone else fronts? That’s something I’m trying figure out for myself and maybe hearing other people’s experiences would help ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

(Also all the comics are amazing keep up the good work 👍)

so the uhhh. so the person fronting never really feels like they "disappear" or get pushed away it just feels like they Change Into A Different Person . but we still Exist while not fronting but nobody remembers what that's like because w. yeah no i don't get the technicalities of how this works i'm not worrying about it too hard

[thieveden]

Who I am inside

[69constellationsinatrenchcoat-d]

Saying "get out of my head" when another alter cofronts will continue being the funniest shit ever to happen to DID.