Things I write but never say

Things I wrote My photo

[thingsiwritebutneversay]

“I’m growing real tired of pretending I’m not in love with you.”

— Late night thoughts 

[thingsiwritebutneversay]

“At some point I realized that one of us is pretending. Am I the one pretending that you’ll one day love me? Or Are you pretending that you don’t already?”

—

[thingsiwritebutneversay]

4 months later;

One of us is still pretending.

One of us isn’t ready to admit it.

So the question is, when are you going to stop pretending?

[thingsiwritebutneversay]

Some people say that having a goal is one way to make waking up and getting out of bed easier.  I wonder if there’s any truth to that. I’ve been sitting here trying to set a goal. Ya know, something simple and reachable. But still something to work for. I’ve decided that I’m going to make that goal to write a book. When I pick up a book, I love the feeling of not being alone with certain thoughts, and feelings. I would love the chance to have someone read what I have written and feel like they were no longer alone in the world. That they were not the only one. Let’s see if this helps..

[thingsiwritebutneversay]

Do you believe in soul-mates? I never did. Then I met him.. It's almost like my soul has known him longer than I have. All I do know is that I've never felt anything this deep

Janurary 10th 2018 11:00pm (via thingsiwritebutneversay)

[thingsiwritebutneversay]

I’d rather keep it to myself. Keep it all to myself and slowly die inside than for one second have someone speak to me with pity in their voice

(via thingsiwritebutneversay)

[thingsiwritebutneversay]

I know that I'm broken. Hard to handle  And maybe a bit crazy But, I also know I don't deserve to be treated like this.

7:15pm (via thingsiwritebutneversay)

[thingsiwritebutneversay]

I'm doing terrible at moving on. I keep telling myself to stay away. That I don't need that hurt in my chest anymore. But,  this morning I woke up in your bed. Our legs intertwined. That sleepy look in your eyes. Your smell all over me.

boy, am I terrible at letting you go

[thingsiwritebutneversay]

You've known since day one what I wanted. What I craved. Always. But, you wanted sometimes. I wanted you, so I gave you sometimes. At your beck and call. Whenever, whatever you wanted. Whatever you needed. I would give you everything I had if you asked. What I want hasn't changed, it's just evolved into something bigger. Into you. I want always with you. I can't keep giving you sometimes when I need your always.

[thingsiwritebutneversay]

I need to write it all down. Everything that I want to say to you.

Things I write but never say

[thingsiwritebutneversay]

My clothes smell like you.. I need to take them off before I become accustomed to your essence all over my body. Before I start to need that smell everyday.

Two steps forward, one step back. 

[thingsiwritebutneversay]

When I was growing up I never thought that I would ever be this old. Everyday has been a struggle. And, everyday I get through it. One day at a time

12:48pm

[thingsiwritebutneversay]

At some point I realized that one of us is pretending. Am I the one pretending that you'll one day love me? Or Are you pretending that you don't already?

[thingsiwritebutneversay]

You can make me love and hate you, all in the same breath.

5:39pm

[thingsiwritebutneversay]

It's been well over three months since it happened. Since I heard you saying I wasn't good enough, with my own ears. In that moment I decided that I was done. Completely done with you. You like to tell other people how selfish I'm being but, if not letting you make me feel like I would be better off dead is selfish, then fuck it I'm glad I finally am. Now please stop lying. Don't say that you miss me,when you've made no attempt to speak to me. Don't say that I need to "grow up"  You forced me to do that the moment that you chose those pills. That man. It looks like you've also chosen to forget about that. I haven't, I probably never will. But don't you worry hun, I won't tell your dirty secret. Please, the next time you even think about saying that you love me, just try to say it without lying. We both know that's not possible. I'm just he one who has accepted it.

To mommy dearest, 

[thingsiwritebutneversay]

Sometimes I think I just need to write. Write everything down. Every thought. Every feeling. Just let it all out. Get it out of my head. I fill up scraps of paper with words.  Lately they've been about you. Some are hopeful, some 'in love'. Others are dark, angry, and hurt. It's like  I can't make up my mind about you. But let's be honest you don't help. I replay every moment between us in my head over and over. It's like watching the same movie repeatedly and then expecting a different outcome. That's madness.

[thingsiwritebutneversay]

I keep telling myself "I'm staying away from love for a while"  but the truth is, my mind is already full with thoughts about you. There's just no more room for anyone else

6:57pm

[thingsiwritebutneversay]

I hate that I'm still hoping. I hope that you'll realize what I already know. That you'll one day see what I see. Hoping for the best. Hoping that I'm prepared for the worst.

Forever hoping for you