Thinking Out Loud

[think-0utl0ud]

Restless

I have not been sleeping all that well. Not sure entirely why. I feel like sleep should be a given with the cold weather and craziness of the season. My body is not cooperating. Stubborn thing... My mind always seems to race, but its not really that tonight. Been a decent day and nothing bothering me much. I've written some over the past few days and its cleared my mind of a lot. Funny how just typing can do so much. Helps on nights like this too. I can bore myself to sleep with pointless posts like this. The screen makes my eyes hurt. Sean is probably right about that eye doctor. As much as I hate to admit it.

[think-0utl0ud]

Ooooh I forgot...

I found the perfect replacement gift for Sean. Since the first gift fell through. Excited to share my find with him. I love gift giving and I can't wait until next weekend!!

[think-0utl0ud]

Spill words here:

I’ve been such a ball of nerves lately. I went off my anxiety pills a couple months ago. I was doing pretty good.

Been terribly irritable lately. I dont think its anxiety related. Just been feeling off with the weather and running around. I am sorry that I have taken it out on people around me. Mainly Sean and my parents. I dont like to be that way. Sean has been somewhat irritable too. I cant say I blame him. He hasn’t been feeling all that well either and he also got some crappy news from his ex. I understand if that has to do with it. I’m also aware that my mopey attitude has not helped. Who wants to be around that…chill out Sarah.

I feel bad that Sean’s ex-wife has to put her cat down. Its horrible for anyone. I’m absolutely compassionate to that fact. He lived with the cat too for a long time and I’m sure he has love for her. Rightfully so.

On a selfish note, I wish he could’ve felt comfortable enough telling me without being prompted. I wish he could be more open when it comes to her. I saw that he doesn’t have her blocked, as he told me a bunch or times. Just happened to see her name as he closed his screen a while back. No, I dont have to like that they talk, as little as it may be, but I trust him and I know he loves me. I know he is probably doing what he feels is the right thing. It just sometimes feels like he hides it because it is in my best interest, and that's not the best for me.

We are in a relationship and that requires trust in one another. He should trust that I will do my very best to be understanding. I mean, he’s the person I love and want to be with forever. I think we both deserve that from each other.

[think-0utl0ud]

Can't Sleep

I've been laying here about an hour+. Can't seem to get comfortable tonight. Already tossing and turning. I can usually fall asleep easily, but it happens. Feeling a bit off lately with all the holiday (and non-holiday) food indulging. Trying to get back to a healthier pattern during this time of year is tough! Sean is up on the computer. Meh. Most nights I go to bed alone. It's...what it is. Can't force him to come to bed when he's not ready. I get over it. I guess I get it. The decorations are up for the holidays. I'm happy with them. Thats my favorite part of the season; the lights and the decorations. The family stuff is nice. Chaotic as always but nice. Hmm...random post. I'm all over the place. Anyways...my eyes are a little tired from the bright screen. Off to try sleep again.

[think-0utl0ud]

Boston

My brother invited Sean and I to take a trip to Boston with him and his friend. He even got us a very low hotel rate since he works for Hilton. My sister came along as she has never been away without my parents. She was so excited to go and that made me happy to see. So...We planned to go...and I say plan very loosely since I couldn't get anyone to actually figure out what we would be doing while there. I was excited to go nevertheless. It was nice I'd get to share the time with my siblings and to put some time aside for Sean and I. I had a bit of a vision. It just didnt really go as expected. I had a good time for the most part. I think my expectations were higher than they should have been given the group of people and how chaotic things sometimes become. Melissa was very much on top of me for much of the trip and it felt like Frank got upset when he had to spend time with her or wait for others. We had already discussed this would happen. I thought we had an understanding. We never rushed him at places he wanted to go so it was a little surprising he got that way when we were looking around. I guess I just envisioned it being a little smoother with what we were doing. I wanted more of a plan to an extent and I found myself getting uptight and frustrated a couple things. Something like buying passes for the group on my cell phone. Which I managed to mess up. Please don't get me wrong, I enjoyed the museum of science and the walking tour and the public market. I was able to meet one of Seans friends from Boston, Angela, who was very lovely. Im happy we were able to do so. When everyone was happy it was actually a very nice time. My brother had his moments. He didn't seem to enjoy himself as much as I thought he would, but his attitude got better Sunday. Sean got snappy at us on Sunday morning which bothered me. Its one thing to snap at me...but to do that to the rest of the group was just uncalled for. He apologized to my brother which is appreciated. It disappointed me. We didn't even really get the time together that I hoped for. Never know when you travel in groups I suppose. Our last night was a great end to the trip though. We were all happy together at Fire and Ice, this fantastic restaurant. Overall, this trip did have something wonderful... each one of us got to experience something new and exciting. That makes me happy.

[think-0utl0ud]

I'm back...

Its been months since I've been on here. Got a bit of a break here at work so decided to check in quickly. Work has been slow. I like my job, but find myself getting bored a lot this past month or so. Summer is the slow time, as schools are out for vacation. Call volumes are down to basically nothing. I try to keep busy. It should pick up in August with the next testing administration. I can't wait! Our apartment is pretty well done. I enjoy what we've done together to make it our own. I'm happy we made this step together. He's had some awesome ideas. The shelves that him and his dad built came out fun. I hope he knows how much I appreciate the work he does to get the place even more together. The bench he is working on will look great for the table. This weekend was good...besides that fall down the stairs...but we won't talk about that. We stopped over to Art on Lark where we saw a bunch of artist's works. Sean has a friend that shows his work, and had some fun stuff on display. I ended up buying a piece I liked. That night we had some friends over to the apartment. It was nice to have a small group of people there. It was comfortable and they got along very well. Always a wonderful thing when we can all make conversation comfortably. So that was a success! Yesterday we visited Kevin and Deb. They're doing well and I enjoy spending time with them and Norton. We brought our newly purchased tent for Belgium Come to Cooperstown so we could make sure it would work for us. The tent should be alright for the two of us. The event is coming up soon. I'm excited for it. We are volunteering and camping for two nights. Our friends will be there so hopefully it will be a fun experience. I've been freaking out some because Sean's ex, who I have not met, will be there. It bothers me that I let my nerves get the best of me...with mainly myself to blame for that. I have to keep in mind the following: what is the point of getting myself worked up over things. There is nothing to be worried about. It stops today. There is a lot of good in my life. I appreciate that. I'm lucky. Okay got to go back to work. Happy Monday.

[think-0utl0ud]

I'll never understand why people do what they do sometimes. Where is the simple common sense? Where are the boundaries? I have a hard time understanding the bahavioral norms of some people. People can be amazing. People can be... Ugh. And now I'm just stuck staring at this screen... I'm kind of just baffled. I dont know how to put it into words. Anyways... Nighty night Tumblr!

[think-0utl0ud]

I got the job. I’m scared. Its something new. Change is not something that comes easy to me. I know its not easy for many people. I think its going to be good for me though. The anxiety will settle. It sounds like a good fit for me. I won’t know until I start in a little over two weeks. Yay. _____________

Thanksgiving was nice. Super busy…but still nice. My mom was as chaotic as always in her preparation. She wants everything so perfect when we have guests. Everything turned out great. I think she really enjoys it even with all the craziness that goes into it. It was Sean’s first Thanksgiving with my family. He’s a trooper; two thanksgiving events within a few days. I hope he realizes how much it actually means to me that he is at these events.

I enjoyed our gathering at his fathers house as well. Its relaxed there and I always feel welcome when I visit with Sean. _____________

[think-0utl0ud]

Oppertunity Ahead?

I'm really nervous for an interview I have in a couple days. Not even because of the interview portion of it. More so for the idea of potentially changing jobs in the near future (if this or another oppertunity comes my way). Its been something I've wanted for a while, I talk about it often and its important to me that I advance. Its just. I've gotten comfortable where I am and I have bosses who have been good to me. So the thought of the unknown scares me some. There's excitement and worry all at once. Nevertheless, I should look at the big picture... I work hard and should take the oppertunities that will add something to my life. I know it could be a good change for me if/when it happens.

[themundanemuggle]

My current mood tbh

[think-0utl0ud]

That's about right

[think-0utl0ud]

June 3rd

It’s been some time since I wrote anything other than short little side thoughts saved to my drafts. Today I felt like writing something more substantial, so here I am.

What a beautiful day outside. It felt nice to take a walk and enjoy the sunshine after a day at work. Not too cold or hot. Perfect at the park.

Okay. Where do I start? Life has been treating me well. I smile a lot. I am in a good place. I passed my probation and am involved in projects at work. I enjoy being able to express my thoughts and ideas. I learn a lot when participating. The latest project makes me feel like I’ve contributed. That is gratifying. While waiting for my opportunity to advance, I will continue to express interest in anything extra that could be beneficial to my knowledge and skills. Apartment hunting has been almost a daily assignment. A very difficult task, but I’m going to be patient in finding something that is right for me. This is a important decision and would prefer to make a smart one. Sean and I have been together just over seven months. It’s been wonderful growing in our relationship. He is so good to me and continues to make me feel special. It’s comforting to share our time together and wake up next to him when I do. My friends and family notice how happy he makes me too.

On another note, something that is on my mind… I think sometimes I get sensitive or take things wrong because I want to make sure I do it all right. I try to be confident. I think I feel more confident than ever, to be honest. I am happy with myself. There are just moments when I let my emotions get the best of me. I’d like to work on expressing myself better. Sitting and tearing up does not benefit as verbally expressing my thoughts would. It’s not just important to my own personal growth, but to those I’m close to and have a relationship with.

So. There it is for today. Glad I sat down and let my thoughts flow. A little random, but it is what it is. Happy Wednesday!

[think-0utl0ud]

Proud

For the first time in a while I feel really proud of who I am and the steps I've taken to get to this place. I've made some important decisions for myself that have had such positive effects. I am proud of every struggle and fear faced, every choice I've made lately. I find I am happier and healthier in my own skin. I communicate better to those around me. It feels good to do things that make me smile from the inside out. I surround myself with good people. I am in a relationship that makes me feel so fulfilled and thankful; and it just gets better with each passing day. There is so much to be optimistic for. So many reasons to smile.

[think-0utl0ud]

[think-0utl0ud]

Update

Life has been pretty great lately.  I have been keeping busy, and it is a good feeling.  Though I haven't posted as often, I am keeping a couple drafts of things I would like to finish up.  While those are not yet complete, I still feel compelled to write an update on what is going on in my life.

Work has been better than ever.  The changes in our unit have been mostly positive.  The shift in attitudes is recognized.  It seems like people are working together to make our procedures effective and efficient.  We all WANT to be on the same page and to learn.  It is quite a change from a couple months ago.  

I have been sitting next to someone who has been in the unit for several years, and is very knowledgeable.  Unfortunately, her attitude is rarely positive.  It is disappointing, given it brings down some of the morale of the group. She has a lot to offer the unit, so I am hoping when I start the upcoming project her and I are working on, perhaps she can really add to it.  I wonder if her attitude might change some with her ideas being heard.  I look forward to working on the project.  I very much enjoy learning and putting in my efforts in assisting where I can.  

Onto something not work related...                                                                       On Sunday afternoon, J and I went on a bus trip to see her favorite band, Maroon 5.  It was a nice, smooth bus ride to and from the arena in New Jersey.  I knew what to expect, as I have seen them three times before with J.  We danced and sang our way through the snow, which was entertaining.  They do put on a good show.  It was good to see J so excited and happy.  That is important to me; to see the people I care about happy.  The bus ride home is one I don't remember since i slept the whole ride back.  That was helpful come my rise for work later that morning.  Its another fun memory with my friend.  

My relationship with S just gets better and better.  We spend the time we can with each other, and I cherish every moment.  I have never met someone like him... someone who treats me with such love and respect.  Someone who puts in effort and shows they care.  I hope he feels as loved and respected as I do.  It feels right when I am with him.  My heart is full and happy... its special.

To nerd-out some before the conclusion of this post, we learned today that HBO will release a service to Apple, which will hopefully bring us our beloved Game of Thrones in April.  The only concern I have is the pricing options on it. That has yet to be released in full details.  It shouldn't be an issue, but never know.  That will be something to figure out very soon!  Until April comes, there will be the awaited Game of Thrones Marathon viewing starting Monday.  THAT will be special.  Yes!!!!

Alright, Ill end it there for the night.  

Happiness is... waking up and ending the day with optimism and hope :)

[think-0utl0ud]

'My heart's a stereo It beats for you, so listen close Hear my thoughts in every note Make me your radio Turn me up when you feel low This melody was meant for you Just sing along to my stereo.'

[think-0utl0ud]

[allthingssnoopy]

[think-0utl0ud]

You do...