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If you find yourself reflected back at you in these notes, keep it to yourself. If you recognize the events herein, say nothing, save for whatever notes you are willing to post. I will be detailed often, and if you don’t wish to be linked to these posts, the keep away.

I don’t tag, except to note the date each entry was written.

I don’t know how to bring up to my therapist that every time I make plans with someone and then those plans change I feel like my brain turns into a sea urchin, drops into my lungs, and then my body starts deflating and vacuum sealing the urchin until the spines poke through the packaging. What kind of mental illness is that. Is there medication for sea urchin brain.

#52526

Finally changed my name publicly. Feeling excited about it :3 yay!

#4826

Have you ever had a dream that was so real you woke up sore? The first time it happened I was climbing a mountain. My climbing partner, whom I had known for years before he was created in my mind that night, smiled at me and asked if I was ready to see the greatest view in the world. I smiled back, nodded, and set my calloused fingers on the first hold I could find.

The climb itself was nothing spectacular. Most of the rocks here were very solid, and many had irregular bumps and points, making the process of finding holds remarkably easy. There were even points on the ascent that I was able to crawl more than climb, so I didn't notice when i ended up almost 200 feet ahead of Isaac, whose name i suddenly remembered (invented?) when i heard him call out from below.

"slow down there lady! I'm supposed to showing you this route aren't I?" His accent was difficult to place. It would probably be vaguely Brooklyn-esque if Brooklyn existed here, but his home, a small town in the valley nearby, was not real, and so could not have been influenced by any New Yorkers.

“Sorry Isaac,” I glanced down between my legs and saw him trying his best to keep up. I love dreams where I’m the most athletic person around, this freaking rocks. “I got a little carried away!”

“More like… you carried yourself away from me! You decide… you want to do this on your own… or something? No time for… your old buddy?” He was breathing hard, but still as jovial as always. I waited to for him to catch up, and flashed him a sheepish smile.

“Guess I’m just excited to not be sitting around at a desk all day.” When I said this he gave me a slightly quizzical look, before giving a quick, out-of-breath chuckle.

“You sure are… something. There’s… a pretty flat spot… up ahead… can we… take a break?” I allowed a short break for Isaac’s sake, and once he was ready we took the last leg of our climb. The peak was just as beautiful as he explained. You could see for miles and miles over the dense expanse of foliage in the valley opposite the town. Huge swathes of forest the likes of which I had never seen in my waking life, with enormous old growth trees occasionally breaking up the leaf line. I could see several other mountains nearby, several of them significantly larger that the one we just climbed, and in the far off distance, I thought I caught a few sparkles of light off the sea.

In my distracted amazement, I failed to watch my footing, and tripped on a loose stone. My stomach dropped as I felt myself fall toward the same edge I had pushed myself over only minutes before. I let out a quick shout, causing Isaac to notice and jump to try to catch me. I felt the cracked skin on his hand meet mine ever so briefly, before waking up bolt upright in bed.

My girlfriend was not terribly excited to be jerked suddenly awake by my movement, but her frustration turned quickly to reassurance and gentle soothing when she saw how badly my hands were shaking.

“Luna, dear, are you alright?” She crooned sleepily, drawing me in for a hug. We had been together several years, and I was very grateful for her comfort now, as I felt my safety return to me.

“Yes love, just a very real dream,” I assured her “you can go back to sleep.”

“Mmkay…” I could tell she was ready drifting off again, and I smiled, glad that it was so easy for her to get right back to resting. I, on the other hand, was very much awake. I could feel the exhaustion in my shoulders and back, and the adrenaline from my dream hadn’t quite dissipated yet. I checked my phone. It was 5:48 AM, almost time to get up anyway, so I decided to take the extra 40 minutes and have a nice hot bath before work. After another minute or two of cuddles of course.

#122025 #CreWri

When you drink the blood from someone, does it flow and pool together, like in the movies?

It’s a bit too beautiful to be real, right?

Blood is thick. I imagine it must ooze more than flow. Drops and globs as it tries to mend a wound far too wide.

It must flow unevenly, little by little. Over the ground, the surfaces nearby. Dripping off the table. Slowly.

Drip.

I think it must be beautiful in real life too.

#11825

And yet if I should waste away in that wet place I might never again be graced by you.

The thought of you is enough.

It pulls me up.

It shuts the water off.

It fumbles blindly through tears and finds my towel.

It dries me gently and grants me presence of mind enough to recall that I don’t want to die.

Not here.

Not alone.

Your presence rejuvenates and sustains me. It balms my pain and elevates me. So I might see the world from heights enough to know wonder and love. So I might face the day above those dark depressing waves.

#11725

I wondered today how long it might take for by body to break down in the shower. The water beating continuously on the skin of my chest as I lay there, staring at nothing. Were I to sit long enough, perhaps I would starve to death. Though in that environment, I can only imagine succumbing to rot would be more likely.

As the water beats down and takes me apart piece by piece. The perfect slow end for a beast too obsessed with its own experience to go easily.

Continual wet seeping into skin until it caves to make way for even more wet. Flesh turning to slime and sloughing off bone, only to clog the drain and fill the tub to flooded.

Eventually the meat has soaked long enough and lets go, turning all to oozing down the drain and out to sea until all that’s left is sickly stained bones. Their color mottled and varied by drugs taken durning my life and mold grown in after its end.

And still the water drums on.

These bones are naught but living rocks and so they too erode. Little by little until cracks and rivulets start to form. Once they are small enough the water might move them, expediting their dissolution. Making them break down one another.

The house is grown over now. The water should have stopped running years ago. But now where once I sat contemplating eternity there is only a shallow pool of water in a tub filled with algae and muck.

And I am gone.

#11725

Sandwich was much better in my head. I’m just starting and work and I already can’t wait to go home and get high

#11725

Ugh

#11725

To do list for tomorrow:

Call school to ask about welding programs

Dishes

Fold laundry

Work

#91825

I think I’ve stopped caring for myself again. Making plans and keeping busy to avoid keeping myself healthy. But without plans what do I do with myself? I sit and mope and get depressed about sitting and moping. I need a shower. It’s probably been almost a week or something. And all these books are so interesting but they always put me in a bad mood. Idk what to do. I need to pee.

#91725

Today was nicer to me. I got to hang out with my friend all morning and she helped me clean my snake’s tank after months of letting it sit. I made her some breakfast burritos, and we watched the first episode of bocchi the rock. Work was easy and shorter than normal, and now I get to visit my partner at work and go home to relax. I love having friends and keeping an active life.

#91625

Learning to feel things again is hard

I’m not used to my emotions having this much impact in my life.

It’s really tiring

#91525

I am so so sleepy

#91325

I am

At a party

I am probably too high

Everyone is shouting

I love these people but god they make me anxious

I was around them a lot when I was young

Those were scary times for me

Not always knowing

Where I was supposed to sleep

Whether I’d be safe in the car ride home

Who would try to talk to me

And would they be kind

I feel tired

But the coffee bar just opened up

So I’ll try that

#91325

I don’t know what to do. I never know what I’m feeling and when I do I can never tell what the hell im supposed to do with the feeling. All my creative outlets frustrate me and I constantly feel like I am running in circles against the grain of a tornado. I am so so tired.

#91125

konoko

This is an adult blog with adult themes, such as sex, loneliness and feeling bad.

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