Thoughts & practices about suffering and peace

A personal blog/journal about psychology, philosophy, meditation, spirituality, self-inquiry - and all that junk that somehow makes life ridiculously easy, simple, and enjoyable. Strongly encourage you to interact, would love to hear other perspectives or questions about all of this, and how it connects / conflicts with your experience!

[thinkingandthonking]

Rain - A short story

Her brain splattered across the windshield from the force of the impact, shards of wet glass spraying in every direction. It wasn’t the best way to die, but in the fraction of a second of life she still had it didn’t seem all that important.

The momentary fear and despair drowned in an ocean of relief - all dams opened, all her burdens draining away like a flood. It’s over.

She tried to close her eyes and rest, but they didn’t move. Nothing did. She still saw the headlights of the truck barreling into her, the dark winter night. Everything in its place, a catastrophe in motion caught at the perfect time.

A single drop of water was suspended right before her eye, reflecting and distorting the scene around her.

She considered the possibility that this was merely a nightmare, and immediately she was there, in her bed, waking up on the morning of her last day. Her cat was at the foot of her bed, frozen still in the middle of a silent yawn.

Then she was back in the car, watching through the shattered glass as the hood crumpled from the collision. There was no transition, no continuity between the two moments. She was here, and there, and anywhen she thought of.

She looked at her last meal, noodles cooked hastily with too much salt because she was running late. She could smell the warm, comforting aroma.

She saw the bright hospital lights, feeling her own cries ragged in her throat moments after her birth.

She felt her eyes widen in shock as the truck’s tires slipped on the wet road in front of her.

She listened to the first time she heard her favorite song, and every time she heard it since, all at once.

Time felt like a flat disk she was standing on, and the difference between any beginning or end was simply her perspective.

It wasn’t what she expected when she heard “life flashing before your eyes”. There was no urgency, no pressure or chaos, no decades-long story to follow. Just a tapestry of interconnected moments, the most mundane equally as vivid as the most unique or significant.

She saw every single time she sat on the toilet, scrolling on her phone, and every time she yelled at someone she loved.

She felt every step she ever took.

The idea that she could conclude whether her life was a “good” or “bad” one, pass any judgement at this last chance beyond eternity, was absurd. She looked at every blade of grass she has ever seen, at the first time she gasped in awe while looking at the sunset, and at every sunset she ignored ever since.

Maybe there was more she could have done if she lived, but seeing it all together now, it was enough. She was ready to move on.

She waited.

The headlights continued to blind her, eyes squinting and grip uncomfortably tight on the wheel. Nothing was happening. Time remained as it was, as if there was still something she needed to see, or remember.

She went through every memory, from start to finish, and it was both instant and took longer than she could comprehend. There was no fatigue in this, and no euphoria - it wasn’t a chore or a privilege.

It was simply her life. Why wasn’t it ending?

She tried to push forward, seeing what happens after the moment of the accident, but there was nowhere left to go. No future to get to. So instead, she went back.

Back to her first memory of her parents, exhausted but smiling happily at her.

Back into the hospital bed, the background murmur of nurses and bright lights.

Back into the womb, the comforting warmth.

Back into herself, gestating, writhing, growing.

On and on until it felt like something cracked, broke, or slipped away from her.

Then there were only stars. An endless sky with barely any darkness or gaps between the shimmering lights. The view turned, spun around, stars circling and moving faster and faster, drawing closer together - colliding, imploding, forming and dissipating.

Gone too far back, too far to ever return. It wasn’t even clear who was supposed to return, or where.

The universe was collapsing inward at a leisurely pace. It was getting warmer, a dense wall of light enveloping from every direction, until everything came crashing down into the center.

A single, bubbling mass of energy and matter. Gestating, writhing, shrinking into an indistinct core, empty and infinite.

Until all that remained was a single drop, drifting through nothingness.

Drifting forever, timeless.

The perspective shifted, and the drop splattered onto it, everything exploding into motion once again.

[thinkingandthonking]

Dealing with Cravings and Urges - Part 5: Everything Everywhere, not at once.

[Part 1 ] [Part 2] [Part 3] [Part 4]

Part 5: "Fully" research the urge

Become a scientist with one burning passion, and let curiosity and outright skepticism guide you. Let every wall you see become a new goal to shatter, not for the act of breaking the wall or for what's behind it - but for the insight it gives you, that no walls are truly as firm as they seem. Become free not by breaking out of the maze or prison, but by seeing that it never could hold you in the first place.

This is raw, unfettered inquiry, and cravings truly justify it.

Cravings are deeply contextual and interrelated phenomena. They appear to stand on their own, to represent a FACT, a NEED that MUST be fulfilled… but why do we blindly believe their sales pitch?

An interesting example is flight attendants who are addicted to smoking. Some may even smoke multiple packs a day - and yet, how do they function at work while on the plane?

Turns out they don’t suffer indefinitely like we may assume - the craving simply stops appearing as soon as they board the plane - or even earlier, whenever their established schedule says there’s no more option to smoke. And as soon as that option returns, so does the urge!

Craving, even an intense life-altering addiction, LEARNS from our behavior and lifestyle, learns where it has no pull and what your weaknesses are. It adapts to circumstance and uses it to its advantage - but we can do the same.

To do this we might need a LOT more data, a lot more experimentation. To write down every assumption or bit of knowledge we have about the craving and QUESTION it, verify it using the scientific method - by thoroughly seeing if we can disprove it.

What does it feel like at every step of the way? When does it arise, when does it fade, when does it return, what does it react to, what does it interact with? Every new conclusion or observation we make is a NEW GOAL TO QUESTION AND RECONSIDER.

Explore every limit, every assumption, every seemingly inviolable obstacle - if you find a wall that seems 100% impassable, consider it your new goal to pass it by just 1%. That alone shatters belief in the craving’s propaganda, as if you are breaking its “confidence” in controlling you.

Because here’s the thing that we hear again and again, but find distasteful, or downright insulting - especially when an addiction or craving has been ruling or ruining our life for a long time:

It’s not as firm and truthful as it seems to be. It’s made of more smoke and mirrors than we can possibly imagine, a talented sleight of hand magician constantly spinning us around to avoid showing us the truth of what it's doing.

I won’t call it an outright lie or illusion, and I won’t pretend any of this is EASY, that addiction can just be beaten by saying it’s not real - The effects of it are real, there are biological, neurological, and psychological changes that can take a lot of time and effort to dismantle.

But this method, despite seeming the most thorough and exhausting of them all - may actually be the fastest shortcut, because it cuts to the heart of it.

What IS craving really, in our direct experience and in factual observation? What’s it made of, how does it function, how many lies does it tell?

You might think “This method is impossible. No matter how long I research it and stretch its limits, find little factoids about it, I’ll never fully understand it.”

That’s the thing though - you don’t have to. This method APPEARS to be intellectual research - but what’s really happening is far more subversive, it’s uprooting the craving from its source.

Identification, belief, automatic habit, attachment - all of these begin to fade the more we point our awareness at the craving or addiction, and DEEPLY explore it, undermine it's sense of 'reality'. This method combines every single aspect of the previous ones until the craving has nowhere to hide, no more tricks to peddle.

If you’re thorough, creative and consistent with this (not using it EVERY time but not giving it up just because it hasn’t worked immediately), it’s not that one day you’ll know every single detail about the craving and have a complex “map” to navigate each time it arises -

The urge will simply not have shadows left to send its smoke and mirrors into. It won’t have any way to grow and sustain itself. It won't be as compelling or firm, every force it exerts will have holes in it that you can walk through.

Every attempt it makes to control you will be met with immediate curiosity, putting it on the operating table and dissecting it further and further. Curiosity and awareness become the standard response to craving rather than reaction, fear, resistance or anything else.

Your curiosity will burn all its disguises and tricks until there’s nowhere left to hide.

In the end the craving will be the one that tries to free itself from you.

That's all I have for now. Is there anything I'm missing? Something you're familiar with and would like to add? Any questions, corrections or clarifications? Would love to hear from other people on this. Cheers.

[thinkingandthonking]

Dealing with Cravings and Urges - Part 4: Reaching for the Core

[Part 1 ] [Part 2] [Part 3]

Part 4: Finding the source and changing the view

What’s in that core of craving, beyond all the discomfort and resistance, the patterns and interpretations, all the different layers we bounce off of or get confused by? What is it really made of underneath?

That can be answered in many ways, and of course different cravings can differ too. In direct experience, some amazing discoveries can be found using the previous “head-on” approach. Some very easy to explain, others entirely non-conceptual but deeply intimate and life-changing.

A total change in relationship with the craving, or even with sensation itself, IS possible through deep emotion work, abiding, inquiry, and meditation.

But an easy to understand approach is one I’ve seen best explained by Llama Tilman Lhundrup:

At the heart of every negative emotion - every fear, anger, sadness, disgust, craving or hatred or anything else - is compassion.

The emotion wouldn’t be so powerful, the force it exerts on us wouldn’t be so great, if we didn’t deeply care. CARING is one of the essential aspects of our experience as a whole.

And yet instead of digging deep and connecting to that core, to what we really care about (We care about being happy so we get upset when we’re not, we care about people who get hurt so we’re angry at the injustice, we care about our safety and life so we’re afraid of danger)...

And having that remain our PRIMARY experience and motivation, we get stuck on the surface layer, the negative aspect that arises as a reaction to that caring.

We stay with the automatic, unwise and ineffective Compassion of “anger” instead of acting from a broader, more aware and integrated Compassion of “Caring about the hurt, protecting what’s important to me”.

So - What if we look at the bigger picture of how this craving is a part of our life, or dig deeper into what it means for us, instead of simply sticking with the same endless cycle of conflict and automatic reaction we’re trapped in with it?

What core values of ours does the craving represent? What is really important to us that the craving attempts to fulfill, however inefficiently? Or maybe what is it attempting to protect us from, to circumvent?

We’ll often find that there’s a deeper layer we prefer to avoid thinking about or coming in contact with. Entire webs of emotion tied up in a complex structure around a specific ideal, event, or perspective of ours - and the craving is the very peak of the iceberg that’s most visible, that we obsess over and try to resolve, while the underside hides so much.

When we start looking into and exploring our values - their origins, our conclusions and perceptions on them, how inviolable they are, how we believe they can be fulfilled (and how we believe they CAN’T)…

And ideally - when we open up about these inquiries to others, whether online with strangers who are also dealing with these struggles or with intimately close friends who know us and can give us another outside view, we may find there’s a lot more that was outside our narrow frame of view that we’ve been missing.

Not necessarily even “new solutions” like we’re so obsessed with looking for, seeking advice or “tricks” to resolve things (Like this post?), but new perspectives that completely change the solutions we LOOK for or what a solution even seems like to us.

When did we even learn that the solution the craving demands is the only one possible, for what it's trying to fulfill? Is there really no other way, just because this one has become so ingrained and automatic? Is this way even WORKING? (Why would we even be reading this if it is...?)

This approach means both broadening our horizon - when in effect, urges attempt to NARROW THEM as much as possible, until we can’t possibly see a way out besides THEIR way - and digging deeper than the surface layers that seem like self-evident truths - but are often simply our ingrained assumptions and biases.

It’s difficult to recommend a specific way of doing something like that, but journaling regularly, open conversations with people, forms of self-expression that let you draw more out from within than simple rumination can, hearing and searching for other perspectives on similar issues, and of course seeking professional help in whatever form suits you - all of these can help enormously.

It can also be useful to start writing down a map of connections and obstacles - often times "reaching out, seeking help, or expressing ourselves" can have their OWN complexes preventing it, otherwise our cravings and fixations wouldn't be as difficult to overcome as they are.

What are the blockages that prevent different approaches for us? What prevents us from dissolving or working with THOSE blockages?

A broader, more comprehensive view can do wonders, if only just to really understand what we're dealing with isn't so "simple" as we thought, that we don't need to blame ourselves for dealing with the enormity of the psyche's internal machinery all on our own.

Would really love to hear other people's experiences, what helps them connect with deeper layers of emotion and craving and what worked for them in the past.

Next Method is the last one I have for now.

[thinkingandthonking]

Dealing with Cravings and Urges - Part 3: The Direct Experience Approach

[Part 1 here]

[Part 2 here]

Part 3: “Game of chicken”

The previous methods have been a bit evasive. In the end, most of us fear our cravings, we fear direct confrontation since we know the discomfort, defeat, shame and disappointment it can bring, sometimes after hundreds of attempts.

This method is for when you’re sick of playing games, want to use brute force, to go head on into the craving to unravel it from within… but it might not be as “macho” as it seems at first.

Consider cravings as a sort of seemingly impenetrable wall that we “bounce off of” in the direction they point us. As soon as the craving arises, we are redirected AWAY from it, towards what it claims will “fulfill us and free us of the discomfort” (that it itself brings and promises to continue bringing. Carrot and stick.)

What actually happens if we crash into that wall without bouncing? Is it really made of iron, or cardboard?

The next time a craving arises, intend to meet it DIRECTLY. Stop all other processes, shrink your perception down until NOTHING but the craving or urge matters. Until it’s the only experience worth feeling.

How is it expressed? What does the craving actually feel like, when it’s not just movement towards a future result, or thoughts ABOUT the craving, or interpretations of it, or stories and memories about it, or all the other secondary things arising as a response to it?

What is the most direct and immediate experience of the craving? What does it feel like in the body? Really examine it closely, almost microscopically. Where does it start, where does it end, how is it CHANGING moment to moment? Is it really just one thing, or an entire living process?

Are there parts of it that actually feel strangely good, or neutral? Are there parts of it that grow or shrink or pulse? It's not necessary to DESCRIBE every sensation it involves, but try not to let the first impression of it be the ONLY one. Keep looking, deeper and deeper.

The next part is the real tricky one… What happens if we don’t fight or run away from it? What happens if we don’t give in to its demands, but still DO try to support and fulfill it DIRECTLY?

It’s a sensation. The story in our heads, even the framing of this post, gives it so much identity and “motive force”, making it into its own entity. But in direct experience, it’s simply a sensation that we find uncomfortable.

It doesn’t KNOW (and neither does the mind that interprets and reacts to it) exactly what it needs, how it works, what will free IT and US. We just have a limitied, narrow idea, based on past experience, of what alleviates the suffering temporarily.

So try to get as absolutely close and intimate with that sensation, not intellectually through observation and thought but by FEELING it, embracing it, letting it in or diving deeper into it.

There may be that feeling of an “impenetrable wall” again, of resistance and discomfort, as if there's nothing else beyond this, "That's all this craving is". This time though it might be easier to get through it with softness rather than hardcore willpower.

Everyone has different words for these kind of approaches - Loving kindness, Metta, compassion, self-care, acceptance, etc. I write this as someone “overly analytical” who finds these “sappy, affectionate” methods difficult to approach or explain without it sounding too floaty…

But practically speaking, the effect is undeniable when it works. One of the most shockingly impactful, almost psychedelic, and can cause a deep change in how we live.

Many teachers even suggest a "mothering" approach, seeing the sensation as a fragile, scared and lashing out being - either a child or a frightened animal, something you care about but in this difficult situation it's hard to GIVE that care and it's hard for the being to receive it.

The simplest and most direct is to simply be with it, give it your undivided attention without rejecting it, giving into it, running from it, fighting it, or holding it at a distance. Simply intimacy and compassionately waiting with it until it tires out and softens on its own. Like sitting with a friend who is crying and screaming in anguish, and just being there for them until they're ready for a hug. Not forcing it on them.

Whatever sort of “softness” resonates with you, whatever intention lets you be in touch with that sensation in the LEAST combative way possible, lets you befriend and support it - Try that for a while.

Then, when the sensation is TRULY accepted as it is (and not as the story of it that makes us bounce AWAY from it) - that internal wall of resistance can just dissolve, seemingly out of nowhere, and you sink deeper and deeper into that sensation while the outer layer of “discomfort” washes away.

The feeling at the core of the craving can be unlike anything you ever imagined it to be.

There’s a lot more to this approach and a lot of good teachers that explain it thoroughly, but if this kind of directness appeals to you or you’ve experienced it and you’d like to discuss it more feel free to message me. Any questions and thoughts here are welcome too!

Next method will be more broad and philosophical in nature, ramping up in complexity, but can also serve as an extension of this one.

[thinkingandthonking]

Dealing with Cravings and Urges - Part 2: Timing and Research

[Part 1 here]

Part 2: Timer journal

If you know deep down that urges and cravings are temporary (even if they DO arise again and again) - that nothing lasts forever, there’s no infinite-energy machine inside the body and mind that CAN make an urge last forever no matter how strong or important (even Hunger can fade after starving for dangerously long periods of time)…

Then why not actually research and quantify it? How long will it take for this urge to fade, weaken, fluctuate ON ITS OWN without a reaction?

There’s no denying that there will be some discomfort in this. What happens to that discomfort over time, though?

How long until it weakens or disappears? What else affects it besides giving in to the urge?

And can you feel, even BOLSTER that incredible satisfaction of “withstanding” an urge that previously felt unbeatable, when the discomfort and “need” fade for a long time on their own?

The moment an urge arises, start a timer. Continue on with your life, let it be in the background. Occasionally you can check in (It will be sure to remind you it’s there in various ways), and when you notice it has passed, or drastically weaken, note the time approximate time it took.

Write it down! Keep an organized journal to see how things fluctuate and gradually change, or how life circumstances affect your urges - they don’t exist in isolation.

Sometimes a “solution” to an urge could be something that seems totally unrelated - like a craving for food being abated by more socializing.

The key here is NOT to go "cold turkey", not to turn this into an endless reliance on resistance and willpower to NEVER give in to an urge. But whenever it feels possible to delay and quantify, give it a shot and keep writing it down and experimenting.

Maybe even just to see how long YOU can make it until it's too uncomfortable, then see how often you can break that record and by how much, at first.

A way to advance this to the next level would be to Only 'give in' to an urge after it's not there anymore, faded on its own. Sounds weird, right? If the urge isn't there, why would we give in THEN? What are we even giving into, just the idea or memory of it?

But the idea here is to reassert your feeling of control, agency, and choice - to a degree. We don't really control what our cravings are, when they arise, how long they last, and how intense they are... but we can begin to have a lot more influence and freedom in the matter than being entirely compulsive and under their control.

See if you can eventually make fulfilling that craving something you do AS A CHOICE rather than with a gun pointed at your head, something you know you'll be pushed to do by your body on occasion but that THE PUSH ITSELF ISN'T WHAT CONTROLS YOU. You know that it can wait, and that you'll get to it on your terms.

And sometimes, you'll simply feel the ability and desire to say "Not today, and that's that." - And instead of that being a moment of despair or immense struggle, it's a moment of freedom and confidence.

Just remember that CRAVINGS FLUCTUATE. You'll see this on your own if you keep measuring. They're affected by so many factors, some days will feel impossible and some days will feel easy!

Progress is gradual and shifts in really unexpected ways, sometimes shockingly fast and sometimes in regression - you can measure each urge as it is, but it's hard to measure YOURSELF and "how well you're doing", especially in the moment.

Next method will be one of the crazier ones, but let me know if you have more to add or ask about this one!

[thinkingandthonking]

Everything I know about Cravings, Urges and Addictions and 5 ways to lessen or overcome them

A series of posts with some methods and explanations sourced from meditation, inquiry, psychology and therapy.

Note that this isn't a fully comprehensive guide, and that of course there's a big variety in addictions and cravings - some are wired much deeper into our body and would be harder to approach or work with without outside assistance. There's still always a possibility of at least a reduction in stress or compulsiveness.

All of these methods ARE safe and relatively easy to at least attempt on your own and see if they fit for you - but feel free to message me for clarification, or to research more about them from other sources!

Some pretext:

The fundamental tool here is Non-reaction, as with most things meditative. When we’re trapped in endlessly reacting to urges or any phenomena, there isn’t much space available for ANY kind of work or transformation - we’re enslaved, pushed forward on rails.

And yet, the difference between that kind of automatic behavior and freedom can be a millisecond of awareness and deeper presence. Any kind of method that uses non-reaction (and ideally, slowly deepens or extends it in some fashion) can reveal that.

An easy comparison to make is “muscle growth”, mental or emotional muscles that we “progressively overload” with bigger weights to get more resistant to urges… but be wary of having that be the primary interpretation of experience.

Resistance ITSELF is a reaction, it drains us and often reinforces the loop in the end. We may use SMALL amounts of willpower or resistance initially to kickstart the process, but ideally we want to transcend that into more powerful and intrinsic sources of “energy” that don’t run out as easily and leave us defenseless.

Insight, surrender, relaxation, and rewiring habits - ways that let go of our craving while still GIVING us energy, fulfilling some deeper need for freedom and release that the craving was an ineffective substitute for.

These methods aren’t meant to be stopgaps or momentary band-aid solutions. I would warn against going into this expecting each one to work immediately, work every time, and the moment they don’t you get frustrated and quit.

Each one of these methods is meant to counteract the SOURCE of the craving, to wither it from within until it NEVER bothers you again, no more than a slight itch that can be easily ignored.

And that may take some time.

Part 1: Urge Surfing

The simplest and most accessible method.

Urges and cravings lie to us - they pretend to be permanent and objective, that the only way to answer them and be free of them is to concede. “Do what I say, or I’ll torment you for life.”

It’s a bluff, they’re incapable of that, and deep down we know this. No sensation is capable of lasting forever, even if it fluctuates and grows and fades and returns over time.

Eventually though, and often very quickly, the craving just runs out of energy when not fulfilled. Yet in the moment they arise, feeling the discomfort they bring, we so often give in, or get burnt out in our resistance to it.

Urge surfing means “Fine, I’ll do that - but not yet”. Accept the urge, surrender to it to not create the friction of absolute refusal (and the inevitable struggle and exhaustion) - but delay!

Maybe a minute at first. Maybe 5 minutes. Whatever seems FEASIBLE, not straining. Eventually this can become the new norm - and each moment or minute you add, it gives you more time to desensitize to the urge, to explore it, experiment with it, see what other options are available besides the automatic action it demands.

Most importantly, it proves to you bit by bit that it’s bluffing, it’s not so unstoppable as it claims it is… And then you can try some of the more advanced methods, or progress with this one.

Our thinking about habits, cravings and urges can often become incredibly rigid without noticing. We may eventually come to assume that there's no point in prolonging the "inevitable", why feel this discomfort now if I'll give into it later anyway, why make things worse?

But it's not really all or nothing, and to really understand that we have to feel it.

When urge surfing is practiced long enough, you'll quickly come to see cravings as a WAVEFORM rather than a rigid object. Sometimes, if you practice in a very structured and specific way, it'll even completely alter the way a craving expresses -

Like it will get used to appearing as a warning, disappearing or lessening for a bit on its own, then reappearing more strongly later on (Or even not reappearing for a while at all, if something else has become your focus or method for venting in the meanwhile!)

In a sense it can feel like training your cravings rather than them training you, and that alone gives you a much bigger sense of freedom and agency than before.

Suddenly there's room to play here, ways to change things on a fundamental level! And it doesn't HAVE to come through immense misery and effort. Just a little bit at a time, consistently.

Will post more methods in a while, but feel free to respond, expand on this if you can, share your experiences with it or ask questions.

[thinkingandthonking]

The Endless Game

There is a species on a planet where almost everyone plays a game. Here's how to play:

Secrecy - Discussing the game (like this) is taboo! They take it VERY seriously, the game is like life itself to them! Everyone plays on their own, or occasionally with partners or groups in secret that they're allowed to share with. Talking about the game openly is seen at best as weakness, as whining and inability to win, or at worst as weirdness, insanity, or lying.

Rewards - It used to have a point, something about increasing survival and procreation, but they already figured that stuff out. Now it's just played out of habit and prestige. Play to win, and keep winning!

Goals - Every player gets their own unique Goal. They're often similar, but each player should really consider their Goal special, personal, something important to THEM, that no one else can understand. Their key to Happiness. A part of who they are. The Goal can be given by more veteran players that brought them into the game, or at times it just appears in the player's mind after hearing about it or seeing it - and if the player doesn't reject that appearance, The Goal is set.

Conditions - The Goals are arbitrary, they don't actually do anything usually, but each player wires their internal circuitry so that achieving or getting near the goal activates the Happiness Engine inside them (Releasing feelings of joy, love, satisfaction, peace, success, energy, openness, hope, etc) And being far from the goal or failing at steps towards it activates the Suffering Engine inside the player (Releasing feelings of shame, anger, sadness, fear, disappointment, craving, loss, pain, numbness, etc)

Gameplay - Thanks to the conditions, the player always knows where he's at in the game and where to go! Always chasing the positive, and running from the negative. The goal of course has nothing to do with the internal engines, they're inside and always available, but interacting with them directly instead of through the game is also taboo.

Post-Victory - Once the goal is reached, The Happiness Engine is active for a while and there may be a rest period, or a period of desperately clinging to the Happiness and trying to keep it there forever. Then, a new goal is selected and the game starts anew with the Suffering Engine pushing the player forward.

Endless Content - Existence becomes a loop of fluctuating discontent, from mild craving and discomfort to abject misery and torture (All as a motivating force to reach The Goal), with brief periods of joy and happiness to reward persisting in the game and winning a Goal. Don't stop for too long, keep playing!

Difficulty - For some people, each goal gets harder and harder to achieve, as they are very dedicated to keep winning forever. Others get tired of the game and don't play it as seriously after a few wins, and so the intensity of the engines may lessen, or their goals may not be as important to them anymore.

Last Rule - Every player must forget that they are playing a game, and must treat it as objective reality. Even if they find out that the goals are meaningless and the engines are internal, they must come up with reasons to keep playing! (Examples: Because they must, because everyone is playing so it must be real, because the engines can't be touched besides by the Goals, because they've already invested so much into The Game, because there MUST be a way to REALLY win, because there can't possibly be a way out of the game, because if all of this has been a game all along then all the suffering was for nothing - and isn't that scarier than just playing some more? What if THIS TIME we win for good?)

Oh, and Sign-ups are automatic and non-consensual! We're already playing, what's the next Goal that'll make you Happy?

[Warning: If a player somehow finds out about the game and quits, they can start rewiring the engines - Reducing Suffering, increasing Happiness - without any external goal to chase.

Afterwards, it's possible to play in Creative / Casual mode, moving towards goals without the promise of temporary happiness (It's already available, why chase it?) or the threat of suffering (It doesn't need to move you when you're already where you need to be), or all that "seriousness and intensity" of the normal, Competitive mode.

But isn't that cheating? Where's the sense of pride and accomplishment?]

Go play, have fun, triumph over adversity, and keep winning!

[thinkingandthonking]

5 Underrated, Hard to describe parts of Meditation

Meditation weirdly feels like a game sometimes, where every once a while or with the right teaching, a new "Skill" is unlocked that opens up a whole new area to explore and play with.

Some of these feel really weird and abstract to explain, I wonder if others can relate to some of them or even try them out based on these descriptions?

Zooming out, Noticing the Sense itself: Instead of feeling something, paying attention to "The Felt Sense". Instead of seeing, paying attention to "The Visual Sense". Easiest to first try with vision - Look ahead, and without moving your eyes at all, focus on the edge of your peripheral vision. Attention can move independently of sensory apparatus, so try to widen it as much as possible, focus on the entirety of your vision instead of any object. Let attention relax, like all of your vision is just one cohesive painting, no objects or borders. Worth trying with physical sensation and sounds, too! Smell and taste might be more concentrated, but also an option? With physical sensation in particular, maintaining attention on the ENTIRE felt sense can be very very useful for meditation, relaxation, emotional processing, and simple enjoyment. Happiness and peace are felt in the body!

Breathing into body parts / emotion: May seem like a basic technique to some, but easily the most approachable and universally USEFUL one. What does it mean to "breathe into your toe" like some teachers suggest? Obviously air stops at the lungs, right? but the flow in the body-sense / attention doesn't! Directing attention in a flow from nostrils to throat to torso to any body part that is aching, dull, or needs more energy can have a surprising effect, whether this is just psychological or has some physiologic effect of releasing tension. Breathing out "from" that area can help too - can try either channeling the breath (and whatever tension you want to release with that breath) through the lungs and out the mouth or nose, OR can try to imagine the air coming in and out DIRECTLY from that area, then flowing through the body. This is just a really great relaxation technique for tension, especially when there's an EMOTION felt in the body! Breathe into the emotion to open it up, give it space and calm, then let some of the emotion get carried out with exhalation. Probably THE most mundanely useful of these, saved me a whole lot of unneeded pain and conflict.

Absorption / Opening up to experience: This one is based on Rob Burbea's teachings - this movement where you "open up" fully to an experience, ABSORB the sensation into you more intensely or with less resistance / obstructions. Can feel like having a sensation in the hands and going INTO that sensation, deeper and closer, or maybe feeling the entire body and opening up the floodgates, letting that sensation fully envelop, consume, or fill you. Might feel gradual at first, but with practice and repetition can feel like flicking a switch and suddenly sharpening the senses! Can turn a minor meditation moment into something amazing. Very fun to do out in nature too, feel like you absorb the environment with all the senses!

Distance, movement in thoughtspace: Similar to above, Angelo Dillulo wrote about playing with the distance we may feel we have towards a thought, or thoughtspace itself. Diving deeper into a thought, almost like looking at a "solid" cloud from the outside but going so deep into it that all you see is "cloudstuff", formless. Or trying to look at thoughts from far away, a distant and unaffected observer. Fun way to do it is imagine you're "consuming" thoughts, letting them go into "you" or encompassing them inside yourself, letting them fall into this mass of growing awareness and focus in meditation, not just staring at them like at a screen. Intimacy with the EXPERIENCE of thinking rather than the content of thoughts!

Noticing the unaffected part of experience: Odd one that may not always feel available, but it's a bit like listening to the silence that encompasses, holds, or allows noise. Or when there's a strong physical sensation, feeling how a part of attention ITSELF is unaffected by any sensations at all. Can feel like noticing the noticing capacity itself, the space that holds experience, directing awareness towards its source or "container", or towards some ineffable quality that isn't quite part of the sense-field or sense objects, a kind of stillness that is always present. Many meditation techniques may lead to this.

All of these get much easier AND more intense with practice, and can really open up interesting experiences, powerful meditative states, increased focus and relaxation, or just a lot of fun! Sometimes it's nice to just have that ability to play with the senses / consciousness idly, always available no matter the situation.

Would love to hear other ones you've experienced, other names or descriptions for these based on your methods, or what these feel like for you if you've tried them!

Let me know if there are any questions or things to clarify, too.

[thinkingandthonking]

Self-inquiry - Who Am I? (Part 2)

Wrote about what we identify or disidentify with regarding the [Body and Mind here]

What do we really identify with?

Mind identification (identifiying with our personality, thoughts, beliefs, memories) is strong, much stronger than identification with the body. But with meditation, with questioning and inquiring into it, it may start to appear a little bit illusory, not entirely right.

What is ESSENTIAL to the core of who we are, undeniable and unchangeable? (since if it were to change, it would no longer be us)

If we had amnesia, fully forgetting our past, our preferences & identity - only the same body remaining - would we consider the 'person' us? Or is it a "new" me, a second individual I identify with? And when the memories return, do these separate "me"s merge? Does one die and replace the other? What happened to the first "me" during the amnesia, was it just hidden?

When a thought says "I am x, I am not y" - what is it really pointing at, if not the body or the mind? What is that "I"? Where is it?

WHO ARE YOU, right here, right now?

Is our sense of self always the same? Or does the "I" itself change even without dramatic transformations like growing older or changing lifestyles and beliefs? When we're deep in artistic or physical activity, when we're talking with friends, when we're with nature or animals, when we're lost in media - Is it always the same feeling of "I"?

There's so much more to ask about, so much to consider, but so often we don't REALLY inquire and look into this. Into the borders of what we consider ourselves. We have some assumption / belief about who we are, and we live with it, sometimes until we die - without realizing how much that assumption could be full of holes, harming us over and over. So let's skip to the actual practice.

The short, direct, and simple approach

Meditation lets us meet this approach simply by experiencing it, sitting in observation and noticing experience and attention itself. Self-inquiry (my favorite method), lets us ask it directly:

Do you exist right now? Is that at least one thing you can be certain of?

Before your next thought appears, and after the next thought passes, do you exist? Even if that thought did not appear, you would still exist, it doesn't "alter" or affect your existence in any way, right?

Then who are you, right now, without referring to any thought or idea? Without any past or future to describe it? What is the "I" in your direct, immediate experience?

Thoughts will arise. Conclusions, descriptions based on knowledge and past ideas. Who or what is the one experiencing those thoughts? What is the "I" that exists in between them? If you look and wait for the next thought to appear, who are you during that waiting?

Can we just sit, as intimately and closely as possible, being and feeling and observing just the "I" itself, letting the thoughts arise and pass harmlessly, noticing what notices them, where it is that they appear, without worrying about their content? No conclusion needed, only observation, curiosity, deepening attention.

Can we DIRECTLY, EXPERIENTIALLY, "be with our SELVES", pay close attention to what it really is that we consider "me"? Just stay with it, look deeper into it? Turn attention in on itself?

What comes up when you do this? What feels the most "sticky", either right or wrong, troubling or wondrous, anything at all that arises from this exploration? What is it? An emotion, an idea, a memory, a description? Is that really "you"?

I'd really love to see more perspectives on this!

[thinkingandthonking]

Not the body, Not the mind - Who Am I? (Part 1)

So we get into spirituality and start focusing on the "Subjective"

(Meaning: No longer just solving each external problem as it comes along, but also looking at the internal processes involved - looking into Suffering itself, emotions, desires, etc. Not just letting them be some ineffable force that moves us from one problem to the next)

But what are we even looking at, or from? What is the 'subject'?

This itself can be an entire path (Self-inquiry) from start to "finish" that can lead to amazing things and ease suffering tremendously. But maybe everyone meets this question in one way or another, even without spirituality or philosophy as a medium for it.

Self Realization is a fundamental desire

Sometimes it's repressed, whether because it isn't socially appropriate, it scares us, or doesn't even seem approachable or possible to question and understand "who we are". Sometimes it's a very mundane, ordinary thing, to explore our identity and grow and learn about ourselves through everyday activity, through life itself.

In spirituality though, we can look at the CORE. What is the "I" that suffers? What makes me who I am? What are the limits of who I can be?

And apparently when we do that, not only can suffering itself surprisingly lessen (since it's so deeply rooted to who we are - always so personal and subjective) but joy can become more natural too! More openness to living how we want to live without any restrictions or boundaries. Curiosity and passion start flowing more naturally.

So who are we? What are we looking for? And where?

It's easier to accept we are not the body:

The root of identity - If we lose a hand, we're still fundamentally "us". If we were even just a head in a vat, still aware and with our identity and memories, we'd still consider us ourselves. Hell, we can even fantasize about switching bodies with someone or living in entirely different forms, and still feel "The one in that fantasy is ME."

Control & Agency - We don't beat the heart, the heart beats. We don't make the stomach digest the food, the food is simply digested. The body does as its nature tells it to - To our experience, that is not so different than the weather or the laws of physics. It's not "us". And yet we may still feel in control of our actions, but what really directs those in our experience?

Accumulation & Formation - The body is seemingly an accumulation of "external" matter. It's much more obviously a part of the interconnected nature of the world - we look at a bowl of soup and it's obviously not "us". But when we eat it, it's incorporated in the body, it nourishes and "becomes" it. The body itself is "externally sourced", divorced from what we consider our inner BEING.

And so, many of us don't identify with the body that much, some even reject it outright. We didn't really "choose" it. We don't fully control its processes. The fundamental "me" isn't changed when parts of it are lost or transformed.

"This body is MINE. I'm IN it, I'm not the body itself." That's at least the common belief right now, though it varies. Not so different from how we view "The World", even if there's more of a sense of ownership and closeness.

Is the mind not the same?

When we "change our mind", when our beliefs and ideas change, when we grow or find that we were wrong - Does our fundamental experience of "I", of "me", change? Or is there something that remained "me" from birth to death?

Do we choose our beliefs, preferences, and personality out of massive lists with infinite choices, discarding the ones we don't "want" and internalizing the ones we do?

Or are they "granted" to us out of a minor pool of options in our vicinity, from our environment, our family, culture, the words we are taught, the people we get to meet, the events that happen in our lives - even the world we're all born in, with its history and natural patterns.

New ideas arise in our experience, and they aren't yet us. Then based on our previously incorporated ideas and past experiences - a vast subconscious web of connections we don't fully control or understand - we end up rejecting or incorporating these new ideas too, into what we believe, who we think we are and how we view the world.

Can we even choose our next thought? Can we choose ANY thought that occurs to us? How do we choose the choice itself? How do we choose what to choose? If it all happens in the subconscious, in some unknowable background process we don't control, what makes us say "I did that"?

So: The mind is shifting, but the "me" that experiences the different states of mind is the same "me". The mind is an accumulation of external thoughts and ideas, based on so much outside our control. We don't fully control the mind, as much as we'd like to believe... And yet we so strongly identify with it.

What remains that we can really call "me"? What makes us certain that it IS "me", and not just another interconnected process of nature? Where is the border between subject and object, where do we draw the line and why? Is it always drawn in the same place or is it shifting?

This is a massive topic, so I'm cutting off for now. Would love to hear your perspective, questions, ideas, etc! Obviously every person has their own relationship and beliefs about identity, body, and mind.

[thinkingandthonking]

Subjectivity - The Self, Emotions, Problems, and Suffering

Imagine we sit here and write 100 things that trouble us, that make us suffer. Could write about very important things, War, Death, Financials, Romance, etc.

If we then expanded each section into a concise statement, it might look something like:

“I feel [EMOTION] because of [PROBLEM] and that makes me suffer.”

Then we spend a lifetime fixing problem after problem, crossing them off the list as best we can (though many of them are unsolveable or TAKE a lifetime of work).

Meanwhile, many people suffer throughout it all, with minor moments of satisfaction and accomplishment in between suffering from the next problem on the list, the next thing to focus on. The next burden to carry.

Is that the only way to live life? Is that inherent to human life? Is that really how suffering and emotion work?

Are the “happy people”, if there are any, ones without any problems to solve, or lesser problems? Or can suffering itself, emotion itself, The SELF itself - be addressed regardless of the problems of life, researched on their own?

Instead, what if we focus on these distinct, repeating pieces:

1. “I” - What is the self that is at the core of all our suffering? What makes a problem 'personal', MY problem? How do we 'empower' or understand the “I” that is always present in these problems rather than focus on problem after problem? What do we identify with, and how does our identification change? Are there “better” ways for us to identify or understand ourselves and our relationship with the world, is it something we can consciously affect?

2. “feel [EMOTION]” - How do emotions work? How does feeling work? What is all this system that is inherent to suffering? Can suffering exist without emotion? Can the emotional system itself be changed, without the problems it relates to changing? What makes us feel the way we do about specific problems, and what purpose does that serve? As an example: There are millions of people dying or in misery every day, yet if we do not feel any emotion about them, do we suffer? SHOULD every human suffer from the pain of every other human? Can we not be compassionate and try to do our best, assuming we want to improve the world and lessen suffering, without burning internally for it constantly? Can that approach, then, not become primary for all of our personal problems too? Nurturing compassion, happiness, peace - without denying what's in front of us, without repressing emotion as a whole, but not just sinking into despair and anguish?

3. “makes me suffer” - How do emotions turn into suffering? Is FEAR itself suffering? is SHAME suffering? is SADNESS suffering? Or does the intensity of suffering differ on a separate axis, not perfectly correlated to the type or intensity of emotion? Can we reduce suffering itself without reducing emotions?

Do I HAVE to suffer because of the problem, or in order to fix that problem?

Is Suffering:

Needed - important for us to act and make a change?

Inevitable - Something fully outside our control and influence, will happen as fate decides no matter what we do?

Inherent - Tied directly to the external problem, objective, untouchable outside of fixing the problem itself?

Justified - something to be protected, something that is Wrong or Unfair to remove or reduce when we've been hurt? Or maybe something we DESERVE?

Can that problem not just become a situation to resolve, while causing minimal suffering?

Personally, I've spent decades in misery trying only to solve external problems, jealously guarding and justifying my suffering, feeling that it is inherent, objective, unsolvable. Absolute hell.

With psychology, meditation, philosophy and all of that stuff - in such a short time, life has become so ridiculously peaceful. Looking at each of those questions, looking for different perspectives on them and practices to try about them, has been the best thing that ever happened to me.

Can life not just be simple and enjoyable DESPITE the problems, despite the horrors, despite "reality" - because we've looked deep into who we are, we understand the structure of our emotional patterns, and we have at least one functional approach for suffering itself?

What do you think, though? What's your experience on this? How do you view or approach suffering and what helps you most?

Is there a specific question here that appeals to you and you'd like to talk about?

[thinkingandthonking]

"Reality is Subjective"

To me this is a big "gateway" into spirituality stuff. The first idea I struggled with and rejected the most, but also opens up the most interesting things!

It's easier when broken into chunks. Would love to hear your thoughts on them or additions to this!

#1 Our entire experience of reality is from our own limited senses and perspectives * We only see through light that reflects into our eyes, and reaches the brain. * We only hear through the sounds that vibrate our eardrums, and how our brain interprets those vibrations. * We only physically feel our own skin or nerves, and the way they react to and interpret other objects - we don't actually feel them.

Essentially, our entire experience of reality, from birth to death, goes through the translation that is our body and mind. We can never experience anything outside of ourselves, without some "part of us" influencing the experience, some conditioning, bias, or biology.

"But reality still exists outside of that! If something happens in reality, it still happens to everyone's subjective experience, no?" I thought...

What helped this click for me first was Stoicism, and the preamble in Meditations by Marcus Aurelius (another gateway drug...)

#2 An allegory of Stoic philosophy, paraphrased:

Two different, unrelated men live in a large building. The building burns down. In an objective "reality", that affects them both the same way. A burnt down residence.

Internally, one man mourns. "This is a tragedy." he thinks, and it is. All of his belongings and attachments gone, something he feels devastated by, something he might never recover from.

The other man, a stoic/religious/maybe even delusional person, thinks "This is God's / Nature’s / Logos’s / Karma’s will. It is all in their plan. This is a challenge to overcome and grow from." - And if he believes and feels it truly, then to his experience of the event, it is. There is no grief or suffering here. Or at least, it is miniscule. Detached.

In the "objective" reality, they both have similar next steps to do. Recover, move on, find a new residence or rebuild, get the things they need or want back somehow. The struggle is inevitable for both.

One will do it under a tremendous psychological and emotional burden, in constant suffering. One will do it matter-of-factly, just another part of his life dictated by forces outside of his control.

Is this not what religion, faith, spirituality or philosophy all about? The easing of suffering, being more aligned with reality as it is? The house is BURNED, it's already reality. Is SUFFERING inherent to that though, or at least to such an extreme degree?

Or can some people walk out of that experience grateful for what they still have, and others walk out of it in permanent despair?

And is one really lying to himself more than the other? Or do they both just have belief systems and emotions that dictate what is "really happening" for them? Just subjective perspectives.

#3 Whether reality as a whole is subjective or not is irrelevant Either one is just a belief, an interpretation. How would we know? The point is that our experience of things is what really matters to us, and that is more malleable than we believe! In the way that we experience life, it might be that perceiving reality as subjective is the easier, healthier, happier way to live.

A focus on your actions and capabilities rather than on results outside your control, events caused by outside forces. Use whatever technique or philosophy you can to make you accept this, and you'll be more at peace. Life becomes simpler, more enjoyable. We can still act to change things, we just don't have to victimize ourselves to do it.

Life will always shoot arrows your way, why should you shoot yourself too if it doesn’t even really help? (The Second Arrow parable) The chinese proverb of the farmer & the missing horse ("Maybe so, maybe not" or "The Maybe Story") explores this too. Our interpretation is what matters.

There are probably many other "chunks" to this idea or ways to consider it, especially when getting into Self-inquiry and Non-duality (what IS subjectivity? What is the border between self and world? What is really happening here and now?)...

If you have your own take on this, would love to hear it!

[thinkingandthonking]

Skepticism in spirituality

I've always had a strong distaste and wariness for "spirituality", despite it arguably being my main obsession in life now. I wonder if others can relate.

Mysticism, sects, traditions, cultural rituals, religions, the lack of standardization, the idolization, the seeming brainwashing, the rejection of science and modernity, the fancy incomprehensible language, the 'othering' and condescension, etc - It's all so grating, unappealing and raises a lot of resistance. Even now after years of studying this stuff, where I can "tolerate" all of these and at times understand their purpose or causes - I still dislike it.

Maybe part of it is growing up with western views and a very unreligious family, maybe it's that "Science" was put on a pedestal for me since an early age.

And yet after years of misery and suffering, where no western, scientifically-validated practitioner could help, meditation and studying this stuff did.

First with depression and anxiety, nearly evaporated now - after ~4 different therapists and some medication failed to help for over a decade.

Then chronic back pain, completely gone now - despite still having the same herniated disc that CT scans, MRIs, and multiple physiotherapists / orthopedics couldn't figure out.

Life used to be agony, now it's overwhelmingly peaceful and okay - even when externally, not much has changed.

The skepticism I always had is still there, but now it leads me to search deeper rather than reject and avoid everything immediately.

"Why does something as ridiculous as 'spirit healing' help people? Is it really all a scam? Or is it like how meditation somehow solved my back pain after years of suffering? How much of the suffering and pain is touched by placebo, tied up in our habitual, self-perpetuating reactions and perspectives, and how much is 'objective', inherent? How does all of this work, what does it connect to?"

I still hope more of this gets researched and standardized in time, but I'm done waiting - I'll understand what I can on my own, and benefit from it without understanding it when I can't, because amusingly that's part of how it works.

Never would've accepted that, a few years ago.

How do you feel about skepticism in spirituality & meditation? Is it a hindrance, an obstacle that reduces efficacy? Or is it a motivator for curiosity and inquiry? What raises the most skepticism in you from what you've learned or seen?

[thinkingandthonking]

What is this?

A blog about meditation, spirituality, philosophy, whatever.

Mostly just a journal of sorts, been thinking and writing about this stuff for a while and decided it'd be interesting to put it out there occasionally. If somehow someone notices this and it connects with anyone, that's neat. If I get an occasional "That's dumb as fuck bro" then that's also fun. Though chances are this is just words in the void. Keeping the door open for now anyway

Any replies, DMs, or thoughts are always welcome - can share your personal opinion / experience, correct any misconception I may have, or ask me anything you want. What's on your mind? And what's underneath it?

As of starting this blog now, April 2024, I've been most into Self-inquiry and non-duality. Some Vipassana / Samadhi stuff too.