Thinking Thots

I'm just here to share my thots.

[thinkinglotsofthots]

I came on my Tumblr to write because I haven’t written a new post in a few days just to find out that I can’t even see my own damn blog. Tumblr hasn’t gotten weird over the years. People used to be straight up reckless on this site and now they’re flagging my blog posts about my fucking feelings. Literally what the hell. 

[thinkinglotsofthots]

I am feeling so insecure right now. I should really get back to exercising. I feel gross, ugly, unattractive, fat, disgusting, unwanted, unworthy, weird, and just flat out bad. For some reason, looking at attractive asian people lowers my self worth. There are some very ATTRACTIVE Asian people. They wear the best clothes, their skin is amazing, their BODIES are snatched! I feel how big my body is and I just feel terrible. I feel absolutely horrible. I’m just gonna go to bed and see what happens in dream land. I hope it’s better than the dreams I had last night. They were fucking weird and offensive to me. 

[thinkinglotsofthots]

Fuck I miss Bojack. I wish he would call me. Sometimes he feels like a dream. Like he doesn’t actually exist. I have a whole relationship with him in my heard, but...what is my real relationship with the real Bojack? They are not the same. I’ve tried to break up with the Bojack in my head so many times, but at a moments notice, I’m always wanting him to come back. THATS NOT THE REAL BOJACK. And I know that. But he makes me feel good since the real Bojack can’t. But...it’s literally not real. I’m in love with a meaningless idea that doesn’t really add anything to my life. My feelings are real, but the fantasies themselves aren’t real. But the create real emotions. But they aren’t real...They aren’t real...

[thinkinglotsofthots]

I feel so insecure when I see people who are skinny. For a moment, I think that I should starve myself. That’s not logical or appropriate. Nor will it solve my problems. I just need to put more work in losing weight. I fell off and I need to get back to doing it. Is it fear, laziness, lack of motivation, or some other 4th thing that reason why I’m not putting enough work in? I just feel disgusting. 

[thinkinglotsofthots]

I’m really excited and happy about my podcast. I feel like it’s a really good place for me to express myself and my thoughts. How I really think and feel about myself. I have a lot of thoughts and feelings about myself that people would never really know about. My mom always tells me that I don’t ever reveal a lot about myself. I feel like that’s so strange...I feel like I talk all the time. But what do I really talk about? I talk about film, tv, art, my thoughts on life, and I like inquiring about other people, their thoughts, their ideas, and what not. But I guess none of that includes what I really think about in terms of myself and what I go through. I just always figure that nobody cares. That may not be true, considering my podcast has 13 listens as of today, which is pretty great. I wasn’t sure if people were really going to care or listen. 

I’m not sure how vulnerable I’m willing to go... I want to be as honest as possible, but there are still aspects of myself that I’m not willing to share. I think that’s okay. I don’t have to share myself with the whole world if I don’t want to. I’m allowed to keep aspects of myself just to myself, just for me. 

[thinkinglotsofthots]

I released my podcast last night! My friends that actually listened to it loved it! I’m so happy. I’m gonna keep doing the podcast since I seem to be really good at it and people really love my voice and what I have to say. I’m excited. 

[thinkinglotsofthots]

what the fuck is wrong with me? Why am I so gross?

[thinkinglotsofthots]

One of the strangest things about being a teenager for me was that I never ended up dating anybody. The closest I got was when this guy asked me to be his girlfriend, but it ended up being a joke his friends dared him to do. So it’s actually not close at all. It’s been almost ten years, and some how, that moment still has power over me. If I keep harping on it, it has power over me and further proves my theory that I was an unattractive teenager who was never destined to have a relationship at all. What happens if I actually let it go? And allow it to not mean anything at all. But it’s not just that, but thinking about the boys who I’ld lock eyes with, and they would look at me awkwardly, being incapable of reciprocating feelings. They would look down, blink fast, and struggle to change the conversation. Just writing it down makes me feel uncomfortable. I don’t know why, but I feel shame. Shameful that they would give me those looks and shameful that I would be bold enough to think they felt the same way. It feels like after a while, I’m truly missing something, and not understanding myself and my relationships. People give me praise and suggest that I feel pride in my courage to express myself to men, but what I feel is guilt for putting myself into situations that I feel will not end well. I don’t believe all is lost, it just feels unbelievable that all my past attempts have been failures. 

In today’s world, it’s difficult if not practically impossible for me to watch a show that does not have a single shred of romance in it. From child to teen to adult shows and films, some form of romantic affection is portrayed and I’m often feeling uncomfortable and slightly...disappointed that I have not succeed in that range of my life. If there’s nothing in moving image media the proves its all fake and unrealistic, its the frequency people jump in and out of relationships on screen. 

[thinkinglotsofthots]

It’s funny how I tell people about this blog, but I don’t tell anyone what this blog is called. It’s not called a secret blog for nothing. I just watched the movie Devil’s Advocate. It was really weird, but I gotta say, it definitely got me. 

[thinkinglotsofthots]

So I was just on Tik Tok and someone made a post about checking out Chinese Tik Tok. I saw those videos and the people looked AMAZING. Great bodies, amazing clothes, flawless makeup; just walking around looking like money. And it made me feel like crap for a bit. I look down and see my big soft belly...To a degree I’m insecure because they look amazing and flawless in their clothes, but to another degree, I know that I am a voluptuous snack and men would love to roll up and cuddle with me.  

But those girls look amazing. And the men look...I don’t even know how to describe it. They look so good, I doubt they would ever go for a girl like me. I feel gross and ugly. Ugh...It takes a lot of work to look that good. Ugh...

[thinkinglotsofthots]

My Podcast

I finally decided to start seriously working on my podcast. But I feel scared. I feel scared to put myself out there publicly and for the world to know what I think and feel. Which is wild considering I do it on this blog all the time AND that this is supposed to be something that I have always wanted, putting my voice out there in my artwork. But it’s different...It’s different when it’s just my words and my voice and people KNOW that it’s me. This blog is anonymous for me and it makes it so much easier for me to just write everything out because 1. I feel like nobody actually reads it and 2. I’m ANONYMOUS. I’m not going to be anonymous for my podcast, but I am going to change the names of people for their own privacy. I also won’t reveal information about them that is kept private, but I will share my side of the story and my own perspective. Oh my gawd, why am I so scared to do this? Now more than ever, it’s important that I get this going because if Tik Tok really is banned, I need to transfer those followers over ASAP. Or all of that follower building was for fucking nothing. 

[thinkinglotsofthots]

Tik Tok

What I don’t need right now, is for Tik Tok to be banned. I have been slowly building my following up to 16.3k as of today. I have been planning and working on projects so I can transfer my following from Tik Tok to my other social media platforms like youtube. But if they ban the app before I get to that part of my plan, I will be pissed. Just when I thought that July would be fine and nothing bad would happen, this shit fucking happens. I hope they don’t actually ban Tik Tok. Things have been going so well for me a on a social media end. There’s too many people who have built their brands and careers around Tik Tok, and for the government to seriously consider removing it is going to fuck some shit up seriously. 

[thinkinglotsofthots]

I should start a novel. But what would it be about? I feel like it’s easier for me to write about people...scratch that. It’s easier for me to think about the concept of a complicated character, but have I ever fully written it out? In full on novel form? I'm always waiting for myself to write about something in a different formate like a screenplay or something, but I never actually end up writing it all out. It just stays in my head. Writing a novel may not be as hard as I think it might be. 

[thinkinglotsofthots]

I feel like I have this strange artistic savior complex. I believe that if I become a trust master at my craft and allow myself to reach unbelievably vulnerable heights in my artistry, I can change the world in a strong way. Is that such an unattainable desire? Is it wrong or egotistical? Am I focused on the wrong thing? I'm not exactly sure. As I write it out, it doesn’t seem so bad. If anything, it seems very similar to the desires of a long of artists. 

[thinkinglotsofthots]

White Boys are a Weakness

Ever since I was a little girl, I was always surrounded by white boys. The white boys had blue eyes, pale to fair skin, sandy brownish hair, and the occasional beauty mark on their face. I couldn’t tell you why, but they were with out a doubt the cutest and most beautiful people I had ever seen. I never felt like they ever wanted me or were into me. I didn’t look like the Sarah’s and the Maddie’s around me. I was the chubby black girl with a laugh loud who cried too much. I’m not sure why, but even now at age 23, I still think white boys are just the cutest thing on the planet. Most times, it feels easier to just chalk it up to European standards of beauty affecting my attraction. Oddly enough, that doesn’t feel like enough to justify my desire to tongue it down a white guy. Intellectualizing my attraction does nothing for it. 

I’ve made out with a few white guys, but they weren’t my dream white guy. The guys I used to crush on in elementary school in middle school. Instead they were the nerdy, fat, weirdos that just so happened to be attracted to me, and my self esteem was low enough to make out with them just because they were there and they wanted me. In my mind, my dream white guy is tall, dark haired, in shape, and if we’re really lucky, he’ll have a cute little beauty mark on his face. He’ll have a deep voice with a slight rasp to it, and a smile that belongs on a ken doll. But...guys like that don’t seem to go for girls like me. At least in my own personal experience. I’m that cool, nerdy, artsy girl who is always fun to talk to and kick it with, but never anything more. That’s all my relationship and life has ever been. I’m not sure if that will ever change...I believe it will. Maybe one day, I’ll get to live out my white guy fantasy. The fantasy that 7 year old me has been waiting a long time for. 

[thinkinglotsofthots]

I should write more

I write everyday, but some how, it doesn’t feel like enough. What does “real” writing look like? I always wonder if people would ever truly care about what it is I have to say. In the written form. Or maybe not the written form, I should work on my podcast. I’ve been pushing it off for while. But why? Am I afraid of something? 

There is something truly enticing about being a vulnerable and strong artist/writer. Specifically writer. It’s like the idea calls out to me. It’s this unbelievable pull. I love it, yet I don’t fully indulge in it. I fully believe and understand that it is fear. 

The type of writing that I’m interested in though...I guess blog, screenplay, and novel. I’m not interested in journalism; just doesn’t seem like my cup of tea. I don’t believe it’s egotistical to say that I care more about my own imagination and opinions then writing about other things that are going on. 

[thinkinglotsofthots]

You know what, fuck you.