my unfiltered thoughts

a place to just let it all out.

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[thinkingoutloud4thesoul]

Ouch.

Yup. that hurts.

[thinkingoutloud4thesoul]

Losing a best friend.

Yesterday marked the day me and my best friend stopped being friends.

Yup, it sucks. BUT I know its for the better!

Long story short, I had been feeling under appreciated, I had gone out of my way multiple times to ask her to hang out, spent loads of money on her birthday and her responses were “nope” and not even a thanks for her birthday weekend in BANFF (not a cheap place to go for the weekend).. oh and did I mention she had all of $3 in her bank account and kept telling me “oh don’t worry, I’ll get paid tomorrow” Silly me for believing her. We finally had a talk after I stopped trying to see how long it would take for her to come to me and say “wtf! why haven’t we seen each other in forever why don’t we hang out” but that wasn't the case.

So we talked for an hour on Wednesday night, and I told her directly “I’m leaving it up to you to come and talk to me if you want to continue to be friends or try even!”

AND there we were on Monday and STILL no response! So I, AGAIN, made the first move and told her that I took her silence as her answer.. She then replied with “Hey, well I think our lives are leading us down different paths, hope the best with everything”

I’M SORRY WHAT! She sat in my car crying saying how she never wanted to lose me, then she pulls the “I’m done trying” card... LAZY! LAZY! Now that the friendship requires work its too hard to commit.. PLEASE!

See ya never!

[thinkingoutloud4thesoul]

relief.

Last night, I slept at my boyfriends house, I first went out, and normally would stay out till 2 or 3, but last night I had huge stomach pains(damn mother nature!) and had to leave earlier. I grabbed his house keys and went home dying slowly. When he came home later, he wasn't feeling well (stuffed nose) and we both just went straight to bed.

All throughout the night I kept having weird dreams, dealing with different scenarios in my life and kept waking up believing that they actually happened. One was where my boyfriend was screaming at me telling me we couldn't move in together anymore, and I woke up and looked at him and was instantly sad/mad! When he finally woke up I was off, and he just kinda didn't pay attention, as it is the first time he is waking up, and so I nuzzled closely and put on my cute face and said “can we cuddle?”  and his response was “my nose, i can't lie still” which of course made me sad and I turned over and away from him. Then he did the most perfect thing any man could do.. he came and cuddled me and just nuzzled into my neck. My heart almost leaped out of my chest. I grabbed his arm and made him just hold me so tight.

Thats when I realized I had accumulated a little pool of liquid that some people call teardrops. And a little ‘click’ happened in my brain.. I had not realized how much I had truly missed him. 

Recently, with just how life takes you, we hadn't been hanging out or talking for about a week or so, and I understand that happens in relationships! Just was such a crazy feeling to understand truly what it was like to just want to be in someones presence so badly it hurts. You crave their touch, and long for their lips on yours, just simply just be as one. 

What a cool experience. 

[thinkingoutloud4thesoul]

paranoid.

You know what gets me? Is how you can be in a relationship with someone and they just refuse to answer your texts after what feels like a year! To me a relationship is with someone who you want to be around always. So mostly you are always thinking of them too. For me, its the first thing I think about, my man, and I immediately grab my phone and text him. Thats just who I am! And I thought majority of people thought that way too! 

Its nice knowing you are thought of, especially in the morning, and also the last thing at night. 

But yet today, (Saturday) I had work! So I didn't go sleep over at my boyfriends house because it would have been too much of a hassle with my dog the next morning, so I stayed home alone. He is out for the evening working until 2 am on the weekends, and normally he calls when he is on his way home. Last night I did not receive a call nor text. So to my surprise this morning, I texted him and knew I would not get a response till later anyways, so off to work I went! Around 11 I tried texting him again as he is normally waking up around this time, and still no response. Got me wondering..

4 pm rolls around and I’m off work! Yes! But now when I look down at my phone, still no response, then finally decide 20 minutes later that I will call and leave a voicemail if he didn't pick up. And guess who left a voicemail? Me!

Finally he calls me back after 20 minutes, and acts like nothing is wrong, and is just distant, so I let him go back to hanging out with his buddy and then I get a whole bunch of texts from him, and now I’m thinking like “guess I woke up the bear, finally he can answer” 

And now its just awkward because I’m clearly upset, and he is just trying to act like nothing is wrong, and really there isn't, it just seems the little things don't happen anymore.

And really that just brings it back to my first point, shouldn't he have already said something to me, as he woke up and thought about me? Does that mean he isn't thinking about me as much anymore? Or simply that he forgot? 

-thinking out loud