Feelings of someone who feels.

[thinkingthefeels]

"And you know that I'd swing with you for the fences

Sit with you on the trenches

Give you my wild, give you a child

Give you the silence that only comes when two people understand each other 

Family that I chose, now that I see your brother as my brother,

Is it enough?

I thought that if I were to give you all the things you wanted it would’ve been enough, it wasn’t. And I thought that if that’s wasn’t enough for you then nobody else would bare the burden that its loving me. I could never give peace to anybody with how fucked up I am. And yet I’m here lying on his couch feeling the comfiest I’ve ever been. And he’s comfortable with my presence, he doesn’t feel invaded, he rather likes that im here, he even likes it when im here and he’s not home. 

He has told me repeatedly that he has never felt the freedom to be himself in past relationships as he feels it with me. So I do give him peace, the one thing I could never give to you. And I feel peace as well, I feel safe, I feel taking care for, I’m no longer on edge. I’m really sorry we didn’t worked out like this. Im really sorry we weren’t the right people for each other.

[thinkingthefeels]

Does grief ever goes away?

Will you forever be a ghost in the back of my mind and my dreams? 

You’ve been in my dreams, but way back, in the background and I wake up and I’m not sure if it was you who I saw or just a ghost, someone my soul used to know. I had a dream recently and I swear I could feel your calling, and I never knew love or attachment could be that strong. I thought of texting you that day, but I didn't, I don't want to disturb your journey and you asked me not to reach out, so I won't. But I told you I didn’t wanted this to happen, I didn't wanted to live with your shadow behind me, I didn't wanted to try to remember your face and see you like a whisper in my mind all the time, but you were right, we can’t be friends. We can’t be close, even though you are the one closest to me, I’ll forever miss you, even if I don’t want you, I’ll forever grief. 

[thinkingthefeels]

See you in the next one

I wish I could explain myself in a way you would understand, I wish there was a way we could understand each other. I really don’t know how to be honest with my reasons without hurting you, so all I can say is that I’m sorry and I’ll always be sorry not to have the words you deserve, not to be more gentle with why I’m making the choices I’m making. Recently, I saw a movie that said it, right now I’m having trouble remembering exactly what it said, but it was something like, I can’t put myself in a position where I could be disrespected like I was before and hurt like I was before and I’m not saying that it wasn’t both ways, but that’s exactly it, I don’t think we can risk it again, at least not any time soon. If we do meet again someday, we’ll see what the future will hold for us, maybe we will never be ready for each other in this life and even thought that hurts everywhere in my body and soul, I’m starting to accept it. Like you said, maybe this one wasn’t our 8000 life and we’ll get married when our souls meet that number. I just wish that it didn’t hurt like it does, like my soul is being pierced and ripped apart every time I think of you, of us. 

You said you hope for our eyes, lips and hearts to meet again, and I hope they do in some other universe, in some other life. I hope our souls will meet as cows and seahorses and trees that just embrace one another in an endless hug until the end of times or until some asshole chop us and somehow we still end up as two colored pencils in a little girls hands who’s drawing a picture of her dog. I do think of you when I see those videos, because I think that if we were cats we would’ve made it, no fighting, no hurting, no lying, no cheating, just cuddles and nose kisses, there would be just swimming next to each other and there would be just the touch, just the connection, just the love. 

As I’m writing this, I’m crying so hard because of how awful this hurts. Never in a million years I would’ve thought we would end, none the less end like this. But somehow we did. I wish I could have wiser words for our younger selves, I wish we would’ve been ready for each other, I wish this would’ve been our 8000 lifetime together, I wish there wasn’t so much hurt, I hope we get to the 8000 life and I hope we will know how lucky we are, so we don’t screw it up. 

I hope for you the best as well, and I really hope we will never be strangers but if we have to I just hope I’ll see you next time and I hope we get to be cats. 

Love you forever in this and in every lifetime, 

Goodbye.

[thinkingthefeels]

I’m so so sorry. I really wish I could give it another try. I really wish I could trust you, trust myself around you. I really wish I could know it would work, but after everything I feel like everything is telling me it would never, no matter how many tries, it’ll never work out, it never was supposed to. 

I really wish I could be with you and not get anxiety. I didn’t wanted to go up to your room because my body remembered how awful it felt being there, and I was so uncomfortable. I had anxious thoughts being there. I can’t go back to that. I really wish I could feel the peace I felt in the beginning, feel the assurance that it was you who I was supposed to spend my life with, the one that would love me, the whole me, but then the awful parts of me came out and they pushed you away, and your love also went away. 

I’m relearning how to trust and it’s so hard, I got so much baggage and not all of it because of you, it goes way back, but I feel like I let my guard down with you and then I got betrayed by the one person I thought would never betrayed me. And I’m not blaming everything on you, I’m just saying what happened. Do you see why I can’t go back? I know it was wrong of me to have that idea, that expectation, that I was absolutely safe with you, that you were the one who would have my back 100%, that would never take us for granted, and then you did, we did. And know I can’t see clearly what I used to know in my bones. 

Today I remembered when we first started dating how my friends would ask me about you and I would say “he’s the one, he has always been de the one, I’m finally together with the guy I’m 100% sure I want to marry and go through everything with” and now all I can say is “we broke up, we had way too many issues and we couldn’t work it out”, it’s so tragic, how can you say it isn’t?

[thinkingthefeels]

What happens when this ends? The romance and the looks of love and when I hurt you. What happens after I hurt you? After you hurt me? After you lie. I’m so afraid and I don’t want to go at this with fear. 

My trust has been shattered so many times and it’s not your fault, it’s not mine either, it’s no one’s fault, but it has happened and I’m left with all this issues. I’m trying, I’m trying to learn but I don’t know how to learn in a healthy way. I’m so sorry, I’ll be so sorry when we start hurting each other. It kind of happened today and I’m trying something new, I’m trying trust, I wish you’d stay here this weekend and not go I’m kind of hoping for it, but I know you won’t and I know I shouldn’t expect for that. When will anybody meet my expectations, probably never. I shouldn’t expect nothing, and all I can expect is for me to deal with whatever choice you make. I have to try trust again, I’m just so afraid for it to be shattered. 

This feels more adult, and maybe I don’t have the fight in me anymore, maybe with age, wisdom do not comes but tiredness instead. Maybe the fight is over not because we get better at dealing with it but because we don’t have the energy nor the will to fight it. I don’t know if I want find out which one it is.

[thinkingthefeels]

About us

You did forget me, you forgot to touch me, you forgot to see me, you forgot spend time with me, you forgot that you loved me and I waited so patiently for you to remember how to love me, how to hold me, how to be near me. But you never did until it was too late, even now I doubt that you remembered it. I remember what it felt like the need of been close to you, the pull we felt for each other, when did that went away? Where did it went? I also remember the hurt of the rejection, the fear of it, the fear of reaching for a hug and getting some pity touch, I remember wanting to kiss you, actually kiss you, like I meant it, like all my love went into that kiss and it would remind you about us, I remember reaching and getting barely a kiss, or worst getting your cheek. 

I remember the last time we were together, and how I didn’t wanted it to end, I think part of me knew that was the last time we would ever love each other. It was amazing, feeling you again, wanting me, touching me, bitting me, I wouldn’t changed it, it was perfect. I also remember the hurt of the next day, when you told me you weren’t so sure about what we did because you weren’t so sure about me, about us. 

I remember every single time my heart broke and hurt, and waited, and how I had to pick up the pieces and justify it, and convinced myself that it was just rough patch, it was our Great War and we would stand taller after it, but then finding out you were crushing on someone else, you were hitting on someone from work or from another place, and doing nothing, letting it happened and now I don’t really see why I allowed it. I should’ve left when you told me about her, how she was hitting on you and you allowed it, I should’ve left right there. 

I remember when loving you stopped feeling like daylight and started to feel like a war. It was after our first fight, something broke for both of us, something started to rotten, the first time I didn’t said what was in my mind, and the first time you yelled at me. I never want to be yelled at like that again. 

I still see your ghost from time to time, and I wonder if I it will ever go away or if it’s part of me now. I don’t remember any other ghost from any other love, so I guess we are really the one that got away for each other, and maybe that is our punishment, never to be able to forget us, our love, and how we mistreated it, so that we know the next time we love someone we won’t take it for granted, not for a second, and god our next partner will be so happy! 

She will find a man who is confident, who has redefined his sexuality, who will bring her flowers and won’t forget an anniversary, who will never stop holding her, who will always see her, and will take her to every event because he is so proud she is his. I won’t lie, my heart and stomach burn in fury that I was never her, that she’ll get all I asked, and begged, and waited for. I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said that, but right now I’m not saying what I’m supposed to say, I’m saying what I’m thinking and I’m feeling and I just really, really need to get it out, because I don’t want it to rot something so valuable and beautiful. 

That’s what he will get, someone who speaks her mind without fear, who is independent and strong, and won’t need him desperately but will choose him, every time she’ll choose him. He will get someone confident, loyal, who will try to be the best version of herself, who won’t be afraid of growth and pain and sacrifice, who will take upon every challenge with courage and confidence. He will get someone who respects him and listens, because she already knows what happens if I don’t listen, he gets someone who trusts him and works on that trust at every glimpse of a doubt.  

He helps so much for me to trust him, and I won’t ever lie, it pains me to think that if you’ve ever helped me like he does, maybe there would be something to rescue. He is so open with his life, his hurt, his scars, his values, his is an open book for me to read anytime I want. We can spend hours watching videos on his phone and he has every notification on, cause he knows he has nothing to hide and lets me know just that. And it’s not perfect, he works a lot and is out of town a lot and he is tall and handsome and smart, and that’s when my insecurities come running to my chest and my mind and are desperate to take over me, and that’s when I have to let go, of him, of his actions, of control, now I know there is absolutely nothing I can do to stop him of prevent him of hurting me, so I let go, and I don’t reach out to him, I don’t call him or bother him, I give him space, I spiral on my own to overcome the insecurity and right before I’m about to give up, he calls, and send me pics, and he face-times while he gets ready to sleep, and he talks to me about his day and who was he with and what was it like and I know in my gut there isn’t a lie in his mouth and he shows me I can trust him, I can trust myself. I feel so safe, and then I get afraid, cause, who is safe? Safe from hurt and betrayal? God I hope I can get over this fears. 

I really hope you know that I don’t have any intention to hurt you with this, it’s just that this has been on my mind and in my heart for a while and I don’t want it to bottled up anymore. I’m afraid of the consequences of that as well. This probably won’t be it, I’m thinking that I need to do this more often, writing was the thing that got me through our first break up, and it’s what has gotten me through everything, so I really need to commit again to it. 

Know that if there was any truth, any absolute truth in this universe, know that it is not god, or the universe, or any other piece of philosophical bullshit, the only absolute truth I know and bet my life on, is that I loved you in a cosmical, destined, out of my mind and body way and that I won’t ever love that way again, I loved you with my entire soul. I knew that the first time and I know it know. And also, since the first time I ever saw you cry, I knew that hurting you is the last thing I would ever want to do and the biggest sorrow I have is that I did, I will forever be sorry for that, you’ll probably think that is wrong for me to say this or to think like this, but I will forever be sorry that I hurt you, I won’t ever let go of that pain, I won’t ever forgive myself for that so that I’ll never make the same mistake again but also is a way for me to forever grief us, let the love be forever with me. Let the grief never end, let the love remain.

[thinkingthefeels]

There’s so much in my mind about us, and about me. Lately, some insecurities have come up and they take me to our relationship. 

There are things that still hurt and ache, like when you say you’ll find someone else to be the love of your life and I know it’s seems hypocritical of me to say this or feel this way, but I know I’ll never love anyone with the intensity and sincerity that I loved you and maybe I’ll settle for someone who is better for me in a way that everyday it’s not a fight or I’m not frighten all of the time. But I know I won’t be able to love them the way I loved you and when when you say it, it makes me feel so replaceable, I always knew I was replaceable for you, it always felt like someone prettier, or more quiet, or more smart, or more like the girls you follow and hit on would come along and you’ll left me for her. But it still hurts to realize that the thing you always kinda knew it’s actually truth. So I hate when you say you’ll just find another love of your life.

I hated feeling replaceable, that’s other thing that I think you haven’t understand from my point of view, you say I listened to everyone else saying not to go back to you, but that’s not right. No one told me to leave you, but when I did everybody expressed such relief, and it is not that they convinced me, all of your actions did. Maybe I’m a little angry right now and you won’t like what I’m going to say but I need it get it off my chest. I’m not saying I did not do anything to you or to hurt our relationship, I’m expressing what I felt and my experience. 

Do you think that the fact that I felt replaceable don’t count in my decision? You say it as if I’m been brainwashed by my friends, but honestly it feels like I was way more brained washed by you while we where together. Do you wanna know what it is holding me back to try again with you? Well let’s see. It is the 3000 women you followed on social media, how you’d like their photos and comment how much you wanted to be with them, while we where dating or just started dating, it is the fact that some of those comments still pop up on my fyp today and I know you’re single and you can do whatever but that is it, you didn’t “stop” doing it because you realized why that was wrong, you “stop” because if you’d do it it’ll start a fight. And I wrote “stop” because we both know that that never actually stopped. It is also all the women you had a crush on and hit on while we were dating, it is the fact that you can’t even come clean with that, on how many there where, what you did or said to them, you’ll never have the balls to actually say the things that you did, how much of an idiot you made me. It is how It is how you kept me so secret on social media, and on every other aspect of your life, how you’d feel ashamed to be with me, it still hunts me, the feeling of not being good enough for you or for whoever, not pretty enough, not smart enough, not nice enough for you to willingly say to the world: this is my girlfriend and I love her and whatever, idc. It is all the times I begged for some gesture a sign of affection that came so obligated. It’s the lies, all the times you lied, how am I suppose to believe anything you say or do, I don’t trust you a little bit. Not when you say you’ve change, not when you say she’s nothing, not when toy say this time it’ll work out or that this time will be different, because we are different, maybe you’re right, maybe you are even telling the truth, but I don’t believe you. It is how I look at our pictures and videos and instead of getting a feeling of love and being loved, I feel how it took for me to beg you for those pictures, I feel the rejection and the distance. 

It is all the insecurities I have now, it is how I’m afraid to speak my mind because I’m afraid how the other person will react or if it will push them away, it is how now I don’t know how to put limits cause I fell like they won’t be respected, it is how afraid I am to make the first move because im afraid I’ll get rejected or that I’m unwanted, or ugly of fat, idk. It is how I’m trying to rebuild myself after loosing so much of me. It is how I was never the only one for you. 

So stop saying it’s my friends who convinced me to leave you or to not go back to you, it is you, its your actions, it’s the gaslight, the invalidation of my feelings, the disrespect. And I know I had a part on it too, but I’m not blaming anyone else for what I did, do the same, admit you did everything I just said you did, you haven’t done that once. You’ll probably never will, men never do.

[thinkingthefeels]

The tree that you gave me died

But didn’t everything else died too? Didn’t we shattered it until there was nothing to recover? Didn’t we took it for granted? You think I’ve already moved on, and part of me has. I won’t lie to you, I hate lies. I’m in a very different place than I was last year, a place I never even imagined it existed and I like it, everything is new, and I’m learning that maybe things don’t have to be as hard as they were for us. But I still have grief, I have hurt, I still cry over the life I saw with you, over the children we won’t have, over the father I’ll never see you become, over the little girl, the beautiful older sister we won’t name. The tree that you gave me died this week, and something inside me has been dying for a long time, we killed it, we slowly killed it. We killed it with every fight, with every careless words, with distance, with rejection, with indifference, it bared till it couldn’t, and it died, slowly, painfully, full of sadness and I’m grieving it. 

[thinkingthefeels]

He doesn’t know how to comfort me. 

I remember how you were in times of crisis, you’d be here, present, with your arms ready for when I crumbled; I would keep it together until no one else was watching but you. I used to feel so safe with you. I’ve never cried in front of anyone like I have in front of you. And I’m not sure why, but I just remember feeling like I could finally burst into the loudest tears, because finally I didn’t have to be the strong, brave, full of answers big sister. I could just be the scared, anxious, no idea of what she’s doing little me. And you were there, ready to hold me when I needed, having my back; no one had ever gotten my back like that before, I didn’t let anyone to have my back, I’ve always been the one there for other people, I had never felt the comfort to let my guard down and let someone else be there for me. Thank you for all the times you held me, I really missed you today.

[thinkingthefeels]

I need to apologize too

I realized something last night, something I want to apologize for. I didn’t saw you either. I should’ve saw you as you were, as the imperfect human that you are. I have such high standards for myself, for what I should be, that I tend to reflect those on everyone else. I expected you to be greater than life because I felt like our love was greater than life, and you are, because of all the things you haven’t learned, every mistake you’ve made, it’s all the paths you didn’t choose and the ones you did, it’s because how you embrace everything with the biggest of hugs and full with love. I’m so sorry I didn’t saw it. I’m sorry for expecting you to be something that you aren’t, for not seeing that are absolutely perfect the way you are.

I’m also sorry for all the promises I made you promise, I understand now how those also pushed you away, you can’t promise that you love someone cause then they’ll feel like they’re obligated to love you. What I learned about promises when I was young it’s so different than that. I’m sorry for making you hold on to something that isn’t you. 

[thinkingthefeels]

Why can’t we break this bond?

You said there will be a time when we won’t want to come back and I don’t think that’s true, there’s always gone be a part of us that’ll pull us back together. That’s it, you are not listening, I’m trying to prove that. I know it seems cruel, but that’s why I have to take another path, to see which one is the right one, to prove that this love is greater than life, I once believe that, I need to see which choice I won’’t regret. I stand by all my choices, I’m paying the price, I lost the love of my life, and even if you do find another one, I know I won’t. I know that with whoever I end up with will be because I choose the one that gives me what I need. There’s a book I’m reading about relationships and there’s a part where it says there are 5 things that make a couple work more easily, we barely have one, we won’t make it. No matter how many times we try at least for now we won’t make it and even if we try, I’m not in a place were I can work on it, I need to focus on other stuff before I focus on a relationship that costs me so much energy and tears and worry. I was so worried all the time, I need some peace. 

It is a tragedy, how we took the one of a kind love, the once in twenty lifetimes love and through it all away, and took it for granted, and how we walk all over each other over and over again. I’ll never forget how the way you looked at me changed. How can we come back like this? There’s too much fear, too much distrust, too much baggage. 

I do miss you, I miss you deeply and I love you profoundly, I’ll always will and I’m praying that you’ll always will too. I want you to be happy, if you one day find someone that loves you like I do and you love her the same way you once loved me, then I wish you the happiest of lives and I really hope your kids have your hair and her eyes.

[thinkingthefeels]

I swear I gave it my all.

It's so weird to love and grieve at the same time. I'm so grateful for all of the things he is, and everything he is re defining, it's like something is being built slowly and strong, with roots so big, and at the same time I see all this ruins, our ghosts, together, sad, apart, frustrated, on their knees, absolutely defeated with sand on their hands, because all we built were sand castles that crumbled and disappeared. 

I know the value of all of this, I think I've always known the value of love and of finding a connection, a true, deep connection, I never take that for granted. Well, almost never. I really gave you all my fight, I promise, I bared as much as I could, until I couldn't anymore, I bleed until there wasn't a drop left in me, I fought until the very last,  I swear I gave you all, I was absolutely consumed, and when I felt the last bit of me was gone, that was when I surrendered.

That's another reason why I can't go back to you. I know the value of finding a man like him, as I knew the value of finding a man like you, but we tried, and tried, and tried, second, third, and hundred chances, right? And we broke it a little too much, till we were left with sand, pure ashes. I have to give him a chance, I gave us a hundred.