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[this-timeforme]

Oct. 2, 2020

So i did get the call, ive been working at my new job since Sept. 3rd 2020. Iam liking it so far. So familiar and easy. Today as i was working i was thinking how it "feels like home" to be here. I really like 4 of the girls and could see us being friends. One of them has plans to move away eventually and i feel a little sad about it. Covid 19 is still here, people still gathering in large groups, not wearing masks. Today i found out Trump tested positive for covid 19. I wonder if he will finally wear a mask after this. Or if anyone will still doubt that it is actually real and not a hoax... Yeah that's a thing...

So i know this always happens with me so no surprise.. I thought id be soo happy getting this job and having my life here. AND I AM but now i feel sad and i dont know why. I should work out more that usually helps to regulate my chemical balance. But it has to be depression and i pray i do not pass it to my kids. And if they do i hope they are strong like me. Dont let themselves be comsumed by it and fight like hell through it.

[this-timeforme]

July 29, 2020

Virus is still going strong here.

My boyfriend and I only leave the house for groceries.

I also leave to go to work.

Since we stay inside so much, it's like Iam still waiting for summer. So many things going on that I can't believe. My cousin is pregnant, the virus is still so strong and taking lives, it's about to be August, and my life is still on pause. Iam so jealous that people are continuing on unlike I am. I haven't explored the area yet, I was supposed to get pregnant this year... And I want that so bad. I know the timing isn't ideal but our lives must go on! Right? Iam mostly upset that I haven't been called in for an interview where I was told they were hiring my position. I was very excited, my current job was only meant to be temporary. I am very much qualified for this position. I was told to email my resume, which I think was very impressive And professional. I heard nothing for a week. I did a follow up call, again seemed promising but had to wait for contact from the manager. It's now another week past no reply email, no call. Why won't she call? Everyday I tell myself today is the day ill get the call. So far I've been wrong. Iam starting to drift into a dark head space. Iam scared that once I get to that place, I won't come out for a long unforseen time.

But ill keep pretending Iam ok. I'll keep waiting for the call

[this-timeforme]

June 2, 2020

I went back to work today. I was nervous people would be cranky and refuse to wear masks. Luckily all but 2 people wore masks and no one I encountered was cranky. Last night as i couldn't sleep, I instantly went back to the old mind set "ugh work". But I need that money, and going to work, even with a mask on makes me feel like things are going to be ok? Maybe? Hopefully.

[this-timeforme]

May 16, 2020

It happened. A covid-19 death has effected me. My boyfriend has many aunts, and one of his favorites contracted and died from this virus. I didn't ever get to meet her but i know of the kind loving person she was. My boyfriend is damaged inside right now, but he is staying strong for his family. I wished he had cried a little more than the small short stream down his cheek. I would have held him tight and cried out my sadness too. I did cry more than him... And i still want to cry more. Even though the tears won't bring anyone back to us, it feels like all the sadness and negativity leave with them. I do wish this virus was all over. I wish everyone learns from this. I wish a better life after this. Iam also bummed this morning I woke from a dream that featured my great grandmother who is passed. I never dreamt of her before and i wish i could remember what we talked about. Ive always had such vivid dreams and usually remember them in detail. As i was waking from the dream i rapidly thought wow that was the first i ever dreamt of her. I hope she visits my dreams again and i remember to soak it in and hear her words. But i was messaged from my job today that i will be hearing good news later in the week. Aside from the fear of sickness i will miss the free time i had to sit in the sun, play with my beauty routine, cook, and veg out on video games. But hunny we need money so i guess it's time to resume the work sleep repeat cycle.

[this-timeforme]

Damn that was fast

April 25, 2020 Holy shit i cant believe its been so long since i have wrote out my feelings. So many things have happened. I have thought to post them here often. And I remember how I dont only want to post the bad. And yet that's still what reminds me to write, when my heart hurts, or iam crying. Today i am bored and have a lot of emotions and feelings and worries. The world was hit with covid 19 aka corona virus. Eveything is closed and shut down for safety. You should only leave your home if you truly have to and most ppl are applying for unemployment much like myself. Most days iam Trying to treat it like a long staycation. Ive stress colored, been cooking, sitting in in sun when i can. Other times I feel panic inside myself. I think about the bills and the rent and what else can i do? I feel helpless. Ive been independent but now I cannot do anything but sit and wait? I am beyond furious with people out and about not following the guidelines. Going to the store just to get out of the house. Visiting their family... Or having girls night! I felt my blood boil seeing that last one. Clearly this is hard trying times,but it shows how spoiled and selfish we are when we cannot think of others first. It's 2020! We have so many ways to stay connected. If we can be anywhere virtually take advantage of that. We are all craving the physical connection, but it is only a matter of time.

[this-timeforme]

October 28, 2017

Soooo I wanna have a baby.... I have always loved children and babies and I think iam ready. Sometimes I try to talk myself into waiting longer by thinking about all the worries that go through the minds of first time expecting mothers, and sometimes it actually works. I have seen and heard of different ages of parents and what they have to say about expecting, then caring for that child. So the main worries that freak me out the most are : * sometimes I get overwhelmed and either panic or lash out. * I worry that I won't enjoy pregnancy, and/or will experience postpartum depression. * I also actually worry that my kids won't like me. I know people say "oh well your not supposed to be their friend you have to be the parent" , but why can't I do both? How bout vise versa? What if I don't like my kids... I know that seems harsh but hey it does happen! Children are just small youthful adults. They have their own feelings, thoughts, morals, values, wants , and needs. Sometimes they are influenced or become motivated by things outside of the parents home, or control

[this-timeforme]

To my mother.....

So lets be honest you were not a very good mother. At times you tried and at times you were a bully. I only have a few good memories of us together or something you did for me. All the others I wish had slipped my mind. The nicest thing I thing you ever did for me was when I was in middle school, I had my period and forgot my purse at home. I knew I wasn't gonna last all day without something going wrong. And while I was trying to focus in my math class a heart stopping call from the main office requested me. I thought I was in trouble but had no clue as to why, my mother came and dropped my purse off. I was so relieved, touched to. I did not expect my mom to do that for me or even notice. Coming home she asked if I had gotten to pick it up and asked her why she brought it. She said she knew I would have needed pads and saw I didn't have my purse.

[this-timeforme]

March 5th 2017

I've been wanting to write down the things/times I am having a blast, or something that tugged my heart! Because all I've been sharing is the bad, venting when I am upset. Although thinking now I am glad I don't post every good thing, I cherish it for myself and really life in that moment. And all this heaviness I get rid of here for it to be off my mind and lighten my heart and mind.... Because of late... I've been down... I have no true friends. I really thought I did, but I truly do not. I was doing and feeling so good. I been earning money at work, kinda kicking butt at the gym, even been "bonding" with a FAMILY MEMBER. I've hit that point some time ago where your partner is your best friend. This is the first time it has happened to me and it is something I treasure. But not having girlfriends is a bummer. Something I'd never admit to their face (but I have mentioned to them while talking about others..) is I've been the best friend I could have been for them and what I'd only hope to recieve back, sorry if it wasn't as true and pure as I thought. But there is someone I work with, she has such a beautiful soul and I truly want to be her friend. I feel she looks at me and listens to me the way good caring friends do. I want to chat with her about her entire life, complain about our jobs and guzzle wine for hours.. But because we enjoy the company/intellect/conversation , not because other plans didn't work out and you are bored. I am surprised how much this is getting me down. I mean I know I am not the sweetest person do no wrong gal, but I do take friendships to heart and for the most part a good, or at least decent person. I think il get past this fairly soon. This were changing anyway, ha maybe il just move real far.

[this-timeforme]

Feb 8,2017

I recently took a trip, it was wonderful... But at the same time underwhelming? Maybe i built it up too much in my mind? I did enjoy my time there, so maybe it's just me. I have the opportunity to live there but il miss simple things iam used to. I'll have to leave the things/life i have here... But is it even worth it? My job here? My friends? My routine and familiarity? My job is good, for now. My friends, we are not endlessly close. I do not enjoy going out as i did in years passed. Seems like i have nothing to hold me back. Maybe it's just my biggest move in all aspects of my life this far? Maybe iam just scared i'll regret it? Maybe all these fears held me from truly loving my visit. I have time... And iam scared. But for my greatest love, i think iam going to go..

[this-timeforme]

Dec 31 2016

A few hours ago i took an old timey bath and it changed me. At first i saw it as a great challenge that wasn't worth doing. But i highly enjoyed it and to my surprise i feel cleaner than the feeling i recall from my last shower. Maybe il just switch this as a special occasion routine.

[this-timeforme]

My 🍋 nails make me thirsty for lemonade

[this-timeforme]

Dear Body

To my poor small body... I am so sorry i did not care for you all the time. Iam sorry i gained weight on and off like a rollercoaster. Iam sorry i did not care for my joints. Iam sorry the damage i have done is mostly irreversible. The marks from stretching skin, my knees kwrinkle and crack with every bend. Body, i promise to care for you from now on. Dont give out on me. I want us to be so strong until the end. I love you now more than ever Body, and i want the world to see that!

[this-timeforme]

May25th 2016 pt2

As every time i gain weight, i do not notice until it is a large amount of weight. I haven't been tracking my weight loss because a number is a number. I am looking to take care of my body and health. I want to like what i see and enjoy how i feel. And i have been doing just that! I am sooo happy with the new body i have created i feel soo good! Iam really just lovong myself. But it has been clear to me looking in to those true gym mirrors i am still larger than i should be. I shake it off because i am not quitting and iam going to get to a even healthier me. I didnt know how big i got! I really didn't see it. But i see progress now and thats what matters and makes me feel good! I want to get to my most fit point in life 4yrs ago. I dont know what that number was either but il know it when i get there.

[this-timeforme]

May25th 2016

Things have been well, mostly. Ive been very proud of myself with my health and fitness. Months ago a special friend of mine agreed to be my gym partner. She has so much heart and she really impressed me. We had a strict gym schedule and i didnt know how long it would be until she lost interest. I think it was a full 2 months. So i needed a new gym partner. I choose my boyfriend. Hes been a great partner! I get motivated mostly because his presence just gives me confidence. I see him push himself and i want to push too. We have made a lot of progress but i see a fitness plateau. And my bf/partner is having more dramatic results. Now iam discouraged only slightly because i do see myself looking and feeling better!

[foodffs]

These Over-The-Top Milkshakes Will Make Your Jaw Drop

Really nice recipes. Every hour.

Show me what you cooked!

[this-timeforme]

Ughhh need this in my life

[this-timeforme]

Getting there

At the nearing end of 2015 i found motivation. I was going to the gym, not regularly but often. And i was feeling good. I even got a weight loss notice by a co-worker. Which made me want to keep making progress. I noticed i randomly feel really stressed over things that normally don't phase me. By working out i could feel the relief right away, even coming in with an attitude or a lot on my mind. It hit me one of those moments that i know i enjoy this and this feeling FEELS GOOD... So why is it so hard to go sometimes? I was happy and positive for a good month straight id say in dec.... But didn't care to write about it. It got me a little down noticing if i were mad that id be typing away. I guess feeling pain or anger needs to be released and thats why its more dire to express here for me. I haven't been sleeping good. I've had very odd dreams and awake feeling like i've been watching a movie all night. Hopefully i get more rest so i can return to the gym and get back to that fresh happy attitude. This time il write down what made me laugh or feel so uplifted so i can remember it like i remember all the negative things. Maybe i can replace them with all the new pure emotions 😃

[this-timeforme]

My new futrue

Oct 26th Iam getting really angry. Iam constantly fed up with you people. I can't understand why you secretly want me to fail, struggle, and suffer so badly! But iam working really hard and i have become focused again. I'll have all the things i want soon. I know that will furthermore fuel your rage. Good! I don't care if you are happy anymore. I don't care if you are suffering anymore. I have realized long ago i cannot help you, but i keep trying anyway. You did not recognize my efforts so i will no longer recognize you. Maybe it's this new cold air that has creeped into the breeze that has chilled me to cool my heart. Maybe my psychi just cannot take it and is forcing me to now see things this way. But i like it. Moving on now. Goodbye! My life without you... feels good to think about it right now. Here I come brighter peaceful positive future!