The Nerve

My name is Gabby and I'm 16 years old. About a year ago I lost the ability to move the right side of my face. This blog is about my personal recovery as well as a way to reach out to anyone going through the same thing or something similar.

[hongcha8129]

[anothergaystoner]

To all the guys binding this summer

-Jean vests are your best friend they keep you cool and cover your chest.

-Drink large amounts of water. Layers means heat and dehydration.

-If your binder is showing under your tank top, nobody cares. They’ll probably assume its an undershirt or none of their business.

-This wont be forever. One day you will never have to bind again and you’ll be able to swim, run, and wear what ever you want. Keep on keeping on.

[ftmconfessions]

Please stay safe in the summer, be careful of over heating. Know your body enough to know when you can and can’t bind.

[eeuphrasiee]

and nb folks who bind!!!

[daqqo-remade]

why are some people’s sketchbooks so prefect and pretty like mine is literally like an unfinished drawing here, a badly drawn circle, a cookie crumb ??, a drawing of what, communism? and what the fuck is on tHIS page

[thisisrecovering]

hiiiiiii. I'm going through a somewhat similar ordeal. I'm 17 and I have Bell's Palsy on the right side of my face. You might've heard of it, but it usually lasts any where from 1 month to a year, and is usually stress-induced. I got it a few months after my Dad died suddenly, we were really close. Anywayssss, I saw your fav movies, have you seen "Better Off Dead"?? I like all your favs and that one is soooo good!!

Hi! Yeah, I have heard of Bell's Palsy and I hope you recover soon. I know that it can be really tough to deal with. :/ And I'm so sorry to hear about your dad, I'm really close to mine too. 

No, I haven't seen that movie! It's cool to know there's someone else who shares my interests (at least in movies haha). I'll check it out when I get the chance!

[thisisrecovering]

I little girl came up to me today and asked "why is your smile like this?" and she pulled her cheek to one side. It was really cute. haha

[thisisrecovering]

Synkinesis

So, synkinesis means that as my nerve healed and started to reattach, the small fibers within the nerve reattached to more than one of the fibers on the other side of the nerve. This results in small pieces on the side of my face that is paralyzed to move slightly when I voluntarily move the side of my face that isn't paralyzed. 

Mine is mostly attached to my left eyebrow and it moves the corner of my mouth and my eye. So this means, that when I raise my left eyebrow the corner of my mouth lifts up and my right eye squints slightly. And when I lower my left eyebrow the corner of my mouth frowns slightly and my eye squints still. 

When synkinesis starts to happen that means that the nerve is healing and it is a good sign. It means you're improving; however, it can be a bit of a nuisance. For example, sometimes it gives me a funny expression that I don't mean to have. The corner of my mouth also lifts up with I close my eyes. So, sometimes when I'm trying to sleep it's irritating to have my mouth tensed. But, it ultimately is a good thing. It helps my smile look more normal and reminds me that I'm healing.

I'll probably update this post later with pictures so you can understand it a little better. synkinesis is a pretty cool thing.

[thisisrecovering]

You have an awesome smile! :)

Aww, thank you, nonny! That means so much!

[thisisrecovering]

Emotions and Such

I wanted to talk about something that was really frustrating for me. Especially in the beginning.

I tend to not be a very emotional person in general. At least, I dislike showing sadness or anger. You can see how this would suck in this kind of situation because I was VERY ANGRY AND SAD, more angry really, but it was really easy to mistake for sadness. Basically both usually ended up with crying. 

And the thing that really sucked was that I thought of myself as weak for being upset. Of course this wasn't true, I had been through a really stupidly difficult thing, but I kept thinking that I had no right to be upset because it wasn't as bad as it could have been. I kept thinking that as long as there were people out there that went through something worse than me I had zero right to cry or be upset. And because I couldn't help being upset I ended up kinda hating myself. 

It really didn't occur to me until much later that I had every right to be upset. I went through a difficult and very strange experience that I was totally unprepared for. And not allowing myself to experience the emotions and keeping them all bottled up was really unhealthy. I wasn't letting myself heal properly. 

Of course, as time went on and I was less upset and I was upset less often I saw that being angry was a really normal and expected reaction. I don't know, maybe I felt like if I cried it made it real? Like if I could pretend that it didn't bother me, maybe the pain I was actually feeling would go away.

Anyway, I just wanted to put it out there that this was probably the hardest part of my recovery. Just letting myself have emotions and feel pain. It was a part of this that really honestly sucked, but feeling pain is the first part of healing I guess. 

And if there is anyone out there that if going through or went through something similar, I'd love to talk with you. You can vent to me if you want, since I know that I never really wanted to open up to anyone in person. Or you can ask questions or whatever you want. :)

[thisisrecovering]

ahhhh, Rachel! I spelled your name wrong and I am sorry! D:

[thisisrecovering]

hey Gabby, it's Rachel, I got your url from Aunt Sue on facebook so now I'm sta- I mean- following you. Just wanted to say hi since it's been like forever since we've talked. I also wanted to wish you luck with this blog, I hope you meet the kinds of people you're looking for. :)

Hey, Rachael! It's nice to hear from you! Thanks for following me! :)

[thisisrecovering]

I just wanted to put out there that I'll only be posting a few times a week. Mostly because I have to plan out all of my posts and I won't be reblogging from too many people. At least for now.

[thisisrecovering]

I've been wondering about my ear...

I can't feel the bottom half of my right ear. I also can't feel the neck/jaw that's around it. That doesn't bother me so much, (especially since it means I can put earrings in my right ear and not have any irritation) but that entire area is oddly sensitive? It's weird. Apparently this is from the incision itself and not from the nerve damage.

I also have a weird sensation when I chew on the right side of my mouth. It's like this odd tingling/burning feeling. I don't know what that's from, honestly.

Is there anyone else who has experienced something like this? I'm just curious to see if I'm the only one.

[thisisrecovering]

The Start of My Recovery

Here's a picture of me before the surgery. (I'm the one with the dark hair.)

Here's a picture soon after. (I'm the one in black.)

Because I was only 15 the damage wasn't as severe as it could have been. My face didn't sag all that much and I could surprisingly almost completely close my right eyelid. (Which meant that I wouldn't have to tape my eye shut while I slept.) And because the doctor reattached the nerve there was hope for at least a partial recovery.

Even though I probably had one of the best case scenarios, it was still devastating. Being told at 15 that you would never look the way you did before and would have to adjust to looking at a new face everyday was something I never thought would happen and something I honestly wouldn't wish on anyone. I acknowledge that it could have been a lot worse, but that really didn't make it any easier to go through.

It currently has been a few months over a year since I lost the mobility of half of my face. It was hard in the beginning, but it has gotten easier. I've healed a lot and I have gone through quite a few different types of therapy for nerve recovery. There have definitely been some ups and downs and it has been a completely insane experience that I never could have imagined. And overall I think I've healed and grown through this experience.

This blog is to reach out to anyone who has gone through or is going through nerve damage or anything similar.

<< I welcome any questions or comments! I will always answer asks and you can message me anonymously or tell me you'd like me to answer privately. If you'd like to talk about anything at all, I would be happy to listen or give any advice I can! >>

[thisisrecovering]

A more detailed About Me

Dance is my life. It's something I'm really passionate about and I hope to pursue throughout my life. The styles I'm best at are Modern, Contemporary, and Jazz, although I do dance a lot of different styles. 

Music is something I'm also passonate about. I tend to lean toward more of the alt rock types of artists, but I love listening to anything new. A few of my favourite artists are Relient K, Death Cab for Cutie, Circa Survive, Twenty One Pilots, Grizzly Bear, Band of Horses, Broken Bells, fun., Incubus, Kimya Dawson, The Kinks, Talking Heads, Modest Mouse, They Might Be Giants, Our Lady Peace, Phoenix, The Postal Service, Tears For Fears, MGMT, The Wallflowers, Weezer... Okay, I may have named too many. Point is, music is cool and if you have any suggestions for me, send them my way!

Movies and TV shows are two things I adore. My favourite shows would include Doctor Who, Sherlock, Hannibal,  and The Office. (There are more, I just wanted to keep the list limited.) A few movies I really like are Juno, Donnie Darko, Third Star, Ferris Bueller's Day Off, The Fall, and quite a few others. Movies are things I tend to get a bit obsessed with. I just love all the different things that go into them to make them perfect. I think they're really interesting.

Writing is another thing I love to do. Some of my favourite authors being Neil Gaiman, Terry Pratchet, and John Green. I also particularly like poetry by Walt Whitman. 

I am a nerdfighter and John and Hank are two people I find very interesting and look up to a lot.

This is just a post about some of my interests. Feel free to message me about whatever you like. We can talk about whatever you want whenever you want. I'd love to hear from you. :)