I've been meaning to get this off my chest for awhile
I was cleaning out my saved drafts and came across this. At the time when I first saw it I wasn't quite in the right mental place to open up about the things that have been echoing in my memory for the last few years.
The first time this happened to me I thought it was my fault. He was a friend. I was made to believe it was my fault for kissing him and that I needed to finish what I had started. I thought because we had a flirtatious relationship I sent a mixed signal. I thought that because I had a small school girl crush on him during any point in our friendship that I actually wanted it and was lying to myself that i didn't because I was dating someone else at the time.Even when I tried to leave and asked him to stop and said no countless times, I took his throwing me to the ground, pinning me against the wall, blocking the door as a symptom of his attraction and natural urges. Even when I was assaulted with a half full bottle of vodka, even when I spent the next few days hiding and covering the bruises and hickeys left on my body from my family and friends, even when I had to hide the sharp pains I felt when I would go to sit down too fast over the next few days I did not blame him. I blamed myself. I thought I was just “a slut.”
It wasn't until months after this happened that someone asked me what made me “cheat on my boyfriend” at the time that I told anyone what actually happened and how it happened. They told me it was sexual assault and that I had been raped. I even defended my attacker at first and tried to convince this person it was my doing. That I made my own bed. I did not want to think of myself as a victim, let alone think of a friend as my rapist. How was I going to explain that to my friends, to our friends, to anyone? I felt pathetic, and dirty. I felt like if I said anything I would be a villain, or at least seen as one. I believed at the time that he did not know what he was doing. He was not a malicious person or a violent person. He was just drunk. He was going through things. I provoked him. Boys will be boys. I still believe he has no idea what he did to me. We stopped speaking almost immediately after the incident and acted as though it didn't happen. Even today I would never confront him, or want to dig up the past. I don't want to ruin a life. This incident is the source of why I am so passionate about educating people, especially youth, on issues of consent and sexual violence. I really don't think a lot of people see a lot of rape/sexual assault/violence cases for what they actually are. It breaks my heart to think of the girls and boys who are blaming themselves for what has happened to them, and those who are being shamed by others. It breaks my heart to think of those victims who have to listen to ignorant friends or strangers make insensitive rape jokes or belittle a victim's traumatic experience to a punchline and be forced to remember and relived it each time.
Consent does not = or require excuses or explanations. “Yes” is yes. Anything else is no. Most importantly a “yes” that changes into a “no,”or an “I’m not sure,” “I’ve changed my mind,” or anything other than all round “YES” is a “NO.” Period. End of discussion.
I still have never spoken to anyone about all the details and things that have happened to me and I don’t know if I ever will be able to. Out of all the relationships I’ve had and men I have been with, 6 or them have involved sexual assault/violence. Some of them reoccuring and spanning over months and in one case years. While all those incidents need to be treated and dealt with individually they are all recognized as rape with the exception of this first incident. Though I do believe many of my attackers weren’t even fully aware of what they were actually doing at the end of the day, the responses and things said to me by my attacker and others are things I will never forget. These are a few examples:
During he told me “You're not her, but you are good enough for what I need right now”
“You didn't even look that hot that night”
“You shouldn't have drank that much. You weren't allowed to go out but you didn't listen” “You lead guys on when you kiss them”
“You hooked up years ago, you should be over it by now” a mutual friend a few years after the incident
“If it happened you clearly didn't try hard enough to stop it. If you didn’t want it you wouldn't let it happen.”
I was 15. It hasn't been until my last few years in university pursuing a Gender Studies degree and ultimately profession to prevent this cycle our society has created of victim shaming and blaming and pleading ignorance, that I have even begun to realize the many ways this has shaped and affected my life.
Even writing this almost 10 years later I feel a sense that I should not be. That the backlash will be worse than continuing to hide it. If I don’t say anything though, how can I ask others to come forth with their stories and be brave? How can I fight to educate society on the problem if I pretend there isn't one?
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