A Random Guy Wrote Words

sometimes I think I can write, either way it helps me sort out my stuffs. reblogs @reblogsfromanon

[thisoneanonymousguy]

I'm the most lonely I think I have ever been. The pieces of me the few around me know aren't even pieces of me. They are echoes of who they want me to be.

I hate all there is to me. I hate the fake versions of me that everyone gets. I hate the thoughts I give to me. I hate the cowardice I present when I too scared to reach out or be real in the moment. I hate the real me I hide behind walls and locked away like the monster he is.

I hate that I used to love that monster, glorified the negative for the little attention it gave me. I hate it gave into the impulses without sorting through the consequences.

I hate all that I am and all that I am not and I am afraid that I'm not brave enough to change it.

[thisoneanonymousguy]

I miss you but the scars have covered the wounds and now I'm happy when a memory hits.

I miss the way the room felt right with you in it.

I miss being me outloud and seeing you smile like you loved who I am.

I miss us and feeling like we would conquer our worlds and be happy in the end.

[thisoneanonymousguy]

Release me

I realized today that I've built my walls again. I've locked myself into my own prison. This time is different, or maybe I just never realized who I was building the walls to keep out. I'm wasn't trying to keep out other people, I'm trying to keep me from myself.

I avoid anything but mindless media. Inspiring junk that tells the same watered down story of good vs evil and growing up. I avoided anything that made me feel. Made me truly feel pain, sadness, anger. I would watch funny things but nothing that made any happiness. I won't let myself go to memories that make me react. I watered down myself to not feel me.

It's no wonder that it's so hard to get close to me when everything I am is watered down and drowning in bricks of mediocrity.

It didn't all hit me at once, it came as pieces. I saw an interview with Vincent D'Onofrio giving advice to an aspiring young actor to consume art and why is important. I missed his point at the time. I started to notice I would avoid songs and movies and shows that I knew I would enjoy, but would be "too much" right now. I realized that anytime would ask me how I was, the answer was truthfully "I'm ok" I was never wonderful, or horrible I was just ok. I only felt tired. Only thing I felt was tired. I didn't feel happy. I didn't feel sad. I didn't feel anything but tired.

The final piece came today. I came across a video for Johnny Cash's "Hurt" and instead of watching a sad old man relive his regrets i saw a mirror. A mirror that I had covered a long time ago. I could barely see the end because I was crying audibly. The silence at the end felt like a nail in a coffin. My first thought was that I would leave this life someday and no one would know who I am, and even worse I wouldn't.

I understand art a little different now. It's not about trying to understand the artist. He already understands what he was trying to get out when he made it. Art is about finding yourself through your understanding of the emotions it makes you feel. I've been doing it all wrong trying to make someone feel something while not allowing myself to feel anything. I've been trying to know people through their stories without even letting myself know who I am.

I'm going to make myself feel a little everyday. I'm going to stop avoiding that song that reminds me of her. I'm going to stop pretending I don't feel guilty every fourth of July when I left my dieing grandmother in the hospital. I'm going to stop pretending watching my father slowly kill himself in a self medicated depression didn't affect me. I'm going to stop stopping myself from being real.

It's time to forgive myself and let me out of my own prison.

[thisoneanonymousguy]

I'm not ok again.

I've isolated myself and found myself in a spiral. I didn't even have to push anyone away, they just drifted off. I'm alone.

I'm constantly longing for that connection. That one without any posturing or pretense. Just me and them be who we are and being loved for it. I also realize that I'll just compare it to that one time I had it and it was perfect. Then I'll probably sabotage it because I obviously don't deserve it.

Here I am again putting out my problems to the 3 strangers who'll skim through this and move on. I don't know what I'm even looking for posting here again. It's not a message in a bottle, I'm not looking for anyone to save me. I don't what I want really.

I'm getting that familiar crisis of identity, of existence. The unanswerable "why" that haunted me in the past. I can't tell if I'd rather dive into and embrace the wave or try to numb myself into feeling nothing.

[thisoneanonymousguy]

There is no feeling as hopeless than being a hopeless romantic with no one to be hopeless with.

[thisoneanonymousguy]

Dead

I'm dead to you now which has left me a ghost of my former self. A soul that is lost and desperately wants to live but can't reconcile his past life and move on into the light.

Did you mourn me at all? Am i memory you enjoy or do you keep the thought of me buried? Am I a regret? Was I just an adventure or sidequest that happened on the way to your real life?

Do you imagine what I'm like after the years pass or am I frozen in time as I was? Do I haunt you the way you haunt me?

All these questions the dead have that only the living could answer if the living knew the dead existed.

I'm just a ghost trying to find a way to live in a world that no longer has a place for me. Something unresolved with my past keeps me from living again and I don't know how long I'll have to live as a tortured soul.

[thisoneanonymousguy]

Hi, it's me again

It's your only friend.

Just trust me then

Signed: The Mark of the Pen.

[photografya-deactivated20230917]

[thisoneanonymousguy]

Does anyone care that I stopped posting? Would anyone care if I posted again?

[thisoneanonymousguy]

I can't keep going like this. I want to live alive. Not live like the walking dead shambling through the motions. I have to do something. It'll be a trainwreck or amazing but it'll make a good story.

[thisoneanonymousguy]

At some point, I think it's easier to just accept that I don't matter.

[thisoneanonymousguy]

I have goals now. I keep doing the things I'm supposed to. By all accounts I'm growing as a person. So why do I feel so empty and alone?

This doesn't seem fair. I'm putting in the work. I'm trying to stay positive. I'm taking my pills. I'm showering everyday. So why do I feel so empty and alone?

I'm pushing myself. Letting myself get uncomfortable again. I'm trying to see me as I am and not as my mind perceives. I'm working on my core values to appreciate myself. So why do i feel so empty and alone?

I don't think it really matters what I do. I'm empty now. Alone is where I seem to belong, I had a flash of full and content, but it's gone and I'm left empty and alone.

[thisoneanonymousguy]

Nothing. I feel nothing.

[thisoneanonymousguy]

The masks are back on, I'm who I have to be to who I have to be. The walls are up. I am empty and numb.

[thisoneanonymousguy]

I'm doing all the things I'm supposed to. I'm saving money. I don't drink too much. I go to the gym. I take care of the kids. I'm kind to everyone. Why am I still so miserable. And lonely. I have no one to talk to. I have no one. I have nothing. It isn't really depression at this point, it's frustration. I'm doing everything right and I just want to be happy. Why can't I be happy?

[thisoneanonymousguy]

It's been a month since I've seen her. Twosday. The day all the 2s aligned and the 2 of us intertwined for the last time.

She slowly pulled away and then ripped her self from me. Now we are strangers. I don't expect to hear from again. I won't reach out to her again.

I miss her. I miss my friend most of all.

[thisoneanonymousguy]

I miss my friend.