A vagina for sale
Xuebing Du

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@thisshitisnotgood
A vagina for sale
where's that picture that ruined my life
found it
The original pride flag and the sewing machine it was sewn on
There is no mirror in my room
There was a mirror in my room
Every time I stood in front of it
I hated what I saw
There is no mirror in my room
There was a mirror in my room
I put a big X on it
With a spray paint I bought just for it
There is no mirror in my room
There was a mirror in my room
I walked in front of it fast
Making sure I didn't see what I looked like
There is no mirror in my room
There was a mirror in my room
One time I stood in front of it
With a chair on my hand
There is no mirror in my room
There was a mirror in my room
I threw the chair to it
Wishing I'd never look at it again
There is no mirror in my room
There was a mirror in my room
I broke it into million pieces
Each piece was used to make me bleed
Today
Sudah lama nggak nulis di tumblr, hari ini rasanya akan banyak yang bisa diceritakan di sini, di tempat aman ini.
Hari ini aku bangun pagi sekali, jam 6 hehe, karena ada janji dengan Asel untuk pap smear di PKBI. Aku sampai di sana jam 8:59 di mana Asel barusan bangun beberapa menit sebelumnya. Akhirnya nunggu dia kurang lebih 30 menit. Kami langsung daftar dan tanpa menunggu lama, aku dipanggil di tempat yang sama aku test IVA 2 minggu sebelumnya. Alasan aku akhirnya pap smir karena hasil test IVAku positif. Awalnya sempat ragu untuk pap smear hari ini karena menurut kalender mens, hari Sabtu-Rabu aku harusnya mens, tapi ternyata sampai sekarang belum mens hehe.
Anyway, proses pap smearnya tadi pun cepet banget kok dan nggak kerasa sakit atau mengganggu sama sekali, mungkin karena aku rileks juga ya. Seperti sebelumnya, administrasi di sana mudah dan cepat, staffnya pun nggak judgemental, mereka bahkan masih ingat aku dan senang melihat aku akhirnya pap smear karena itu saran mereka juga, untuk melakukan pap smear.
Setelah aku selesai, aku menunggu Asel di luar sambil bayar 150.000 untuk pap smear tadi. Harga ini mungkin adalah harga paling rendah di Jogja untuk melakukan pap smear. Asel pun nggak begitu lama tadi. Kami selesai sekitar jam 10. Karena Asel belum sarapan dan aku butuh tempat untuk duduk dan mengerjakan proposal, aku mengusulkan untuk pergi ke McD. Asel ingin McD Sultan Agung karena ada McCafe-nya.
Di tengah jalan, motorku mogok dong. Seperti biasa, mogoknya karena nggak bisa distater dan pasti karena ulah tikus lagi. Untung sekali ada bengkel motor yang letaknya hanya sekian ratus meter dari tempat kami berhenti. Akhirnya kami ke sana dan aku mengutarakan permasalahannya. Motorku akhirnya diambil sama mas-mas bengkel dan dikerjakan cukup cepat. Great service lah pokoknya, I can’t thank them enough.
Habis itu kami langsung cus ke McD, dan karena masih menu breakfast, aku awalnya cuma pesen cheese stick dari McCafe. Setelah kami duduk, aku cerita ke Asel kalau ex crush zaman SMP ngucapin happy pride ke aku setelah sebelumnya dia pernah bilang kalau dia bilang bi itu nggak aman heheheh. Aku deg-degan banget balasnya karena nggak nyangka juga. Dia sebenarnya mengirim pesan itu pagi sebelum aku berangkat ke PKBI tapi baru aku balas waktu aku di McD karena bingung mau jawab apa. Akhirnya aku berterimakasih ke dia dan berharap kalau dia tidak keberatan punya teman queer seperti aku. Jawaban setelahnya lah yang makin membuat aku takjub. Dia ternyata ingin tau lebih tentang apa itu queer, tentu saja aku sangat senang menjelaskannya. Pada saat itu, aku cukup terharu dengan aksinya. Alih-alih membenci, dia mau belajar dan bertanya pada seorang queer. Aku rasa dunia butuh lebih banyak orang-orang seperti dia.
Setelah aku memesan lunch di sana, aku menyempatkan untuk nyicil proposal sebelum akhirnya aku harus cabut karena ada kelas jam 2. Berakhir jam 3, aku langsung menuju kantor untuk membahas proposal. Pertemuan ini pun harusnya jam 3 tapi aku sudah izin untuk telat. Tidak begitu banyak yang kami bahas karena sudah cukup juga materinya. Pertemuan berakhir sekitar jam setengah 6. Aku nggak langsung pulang karena bensin udah mepet banget. Jadi aku ke Indomaret untuk ambil cash, ke SPBU untuk ngisi bensin, lalu ke apotek untuk beli test pack karena udah sekitar seminggu telat mens.Â
Sampai rumah menyempatkan diri untuk istirahat bentar lalu lanjut ngajar jam 8 dan kelar jam 9 tadi. Sekarang (barusan selesai sih) sedang mendengarkan Neck Deep dan menulis cerita hari ini yang mungkin bisa menjadi berguna untuk arsip sesuatu di kemudian hari.
You think you're the only one who can do thing from one side?
I can do anything from my side only and not caring on others.
I'm sick of meeting different people each weekend
I want that one person
I deserve good things
And you happen to be not those good things
I deserve the life I want
And yours happen to be the opposite of it
I keep telling myself that I deserve a happiness
Something that you never be able to provide
I should trust my guts
And my guts tell me to stay away from you
I should
I have to
But somehow I can't
I don't even know why
I want to believe that you're the one who provides me safety
But I cannot believe in a lie
You're the one I should stay away from
But we're around
Because that's our routine
I want to have a new routine
I want to have another person
I used to have huge mirror on my room
I broke it into million pieces
Because I didn’t like the way I looked
I used the tiny pieces to hurt me
I didn’t love me enough
To the Man who Hides Behind Bottles
My biggest mistake was letting you say all those words while I was sober and you woke up with a headache the next day.
You only told me you loved me after a few shots when I barely took two.
How could you forget the thing we did that night and talked nothing about it when the sun rises?
If only you could hear the cruel words, the stupid plan you had for me, you'd curse on yourself.
If only your plan worked,
I would leave a wound on my womb
Or I would stay at your house with the unwanted life
I didn't expect much from you although you're filled with so many layers
Yet
You wanted me to take off my identity.
Now I see you as nothing but a man who hides behind bottles.
You don't even have the courage to be yourself without them.
You're never able to hug yourself and tell you that you love you
Because of those stupid toxic masculinity you hold for years.
Screenplay by Diablo Cody JENNIFER’S BODY (2009), dir. Karyn Kusama.
my babe
I actually had fun making this. Ugh I miss going out and dressing up. https://www.instagram.com/p/B_10V_rg6AN/?igshid=f0pvcxksp9dz
Few weekends ago, I got an opportunity to visit Yangon, Myanmar. The reason I went there was because I attended VIA Alumni Summit. It was such a great moment, I must say. I could meet people from different countries and share our stories. Apparently, their stories are pretty similar to mine. We want to make something useful for our community. Also, It's always fun meeting fellow English teachers! 👩🏻‍🏫 Through our meeting, we exchange ideas and laughter as well. The people I met inspired me to do more and to achieve greater things. It was a short but meaningful and memorable moment. See you guys in the next Alumni Summit! ✌🏼💖 (at Yangon, Myanmar) https://www.instagram.com/p/BwRpMjfhOzg/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=lv4h2u6b5rbd
I just
really
really
really
really
really
really
really
really
really
really
really
really
really
really
really
really
really
really
really
really
really
really
really
really
really
really
really
really
really
want to be happy in 2019
Eugene gets me
Growth (Source: https://ift.tt/2OH060Z)