~ This Wild Heart ~

"Dearly beloved: We are gathered here today, to get through this thing called life." - Prince

[thiswildheart]

I dream of ...

Roads slick with rain and the sound of glass shattering.

Entering a sleep so deep, never to be woken again.

Mind altering substances that my body can't handle.

Red tears dripping from my skin.

The breeze on my face as my body becomes a pendulum.

Wounds that never heal.

Tears that never dry.

A bird that is never free.

[thiswildheart]

If I could get an award for the world's biggest imposter, I would probably take first place.

I tell everyone everyday what they wanna hear. Never what I think they should hear. Always the one who says "you got this" and "I can definitely do that"

I'm always acting like I'm tougher, smarter and stronger than I really am. I've become so good at masking that my facade almost never slips. I make jokes and laugh away things that aren't funny at all. People believe I'm fine because of it.

But in actual fact, I want everything to end. I see no way out of my torment. No freedom in sight.

My heart and my head are in a constant battle of right and wrong. I daydream about driving my car off a ledge. I know the perfect place. Hit the accelerator and brace myself for sweet relief. But then my heart screams at me "what about the girls, what about your best friend" The only ones who actually give a shit. Honestly, they are the only ones keeping me here.

I've been told that I'm strong but I just don't believe it. I feel as though my bones ache from carrying the weight of grief. Everyday I mourn the girl I once was. She felt confident, she felt loved, she felt supported by the people she believed were always going to be there. They proved to her just how wrong she was. How little they needed her. How disposable she was. How am I meant to ask them for help when they've shown me how little I matter to them?

I'm honestly not sure how much I can take.

[thiswildheart]

[cuteness--overload]

[thiswildheart]

There are times when I wish I would have the balls to do something so extreme that the authorities or medical professionals would step in to help me.

But on the other hand, I don't wish that because what if I took it too far? What if I couldn't come back from whatever it was I did? What if they use it against me? I can't let them have that win.

I don't know where to start. What step do I take first? How do I support myself? What will his reaction be? Do I add another change to my girls daily routine to be able to be closer to my support system?I have absolutely no idea. Wheres a crush ball when you need one?!

Today was just another prime example of why I need to leave. He doesn't do a single thing to help me out. The closest people to me try to be civil and have a conversation but he just gives them nothing. Probably because he knows that they know the truth and that they'll never believe him. If he was trying to make any effort of keeping his family together he could at least start there. Everyday feels like groundhog day.

[thiswildheart]

Bitch, I read your letter and now my nose is running and my eyes are leaking 😂

I just want to let you know that you have absolutely NOTHING to be sorry for. I was never upset or angry at you and from a strange place I understood why you took those pills. There have been times (as you may have read) that I would've done something similar. I know you have a long road ahead with healing but I'll be there every step of the way.

You said that you learnt alot about yourself and most of it isn't good, I can't really say anything on that because I am not inside your head but I want you to know that if there is anything that isn't good, it's not your fault. I wholeheartedly believe that there is a reason or person who created that burden for you. But I'm always going to be there to help you carry (or even better, throw it away) for you.

My words in my Tumblr are just where my thoughts go. An outlet for my brain.

I find it funny how we both have a mutual feeling of helplessness when it comes to each other's pain. I think it comes from a love so strong that we take on each others hurt and want to fix everything we can even if it it's not always possible. It's probably a testament to our friendship/sisterhood.

I hope our girls get to share a bond like ours because it really is something rare.

I know you might not feel or think it but you are one of the bravest and strongest people I have ever encountered. To go through what you have, to face the challenges you do and still be the beautiful soul that you are, I am constantly in awe and inspired by you to be a better person myself. You are my favourite warrior.

I've always wished for someone like you x

[thiswildheart]

There comes a time when you just break.

I'm writing this to let you know what I've been wanting to say but always am too exhausted and overstimulated by the time I get a chance to that I don't because I know I won't be able to get what I want to say out and we will end up going around in circles and repeating the cycle.

I have been so far past the point of exhausted and miserable that I can't keep going like this. I want to seperate. I want to move out into my own place and become more independent. I want shared custody. I want to do what I want, when I want, how I want without having to ask permission or constantly think about the logistics or consequences of life. I want to resign as director of the company. I want my life to restart. I want to do this as civilised as possible and fair to everyone. But most of all, I want to be happy.

I haven't been truly happy in an extremely long time and you would be blind to not see it. If there's anything that this past year has taught me it's that I don't want it to take a life altering event to get the help I need. Ive seen how that happens and the healing that is yet to come. No one deserves that especially when they have been crying out for help for so long.

The group of people that were supposed to be my friends have shown their true colours and are part of the problem. I can't continue to pretend to spare everyone's feelings despite any drama that may follow. I don't care if I'm the villain and I don't care what story is spun about me. It's time I put myself first. Not just for me but for the girls.

I'm not doing this to create a broken home, I'm doing this to save the girls from growing up thinking that this is what a marriage should look like. No intimacy, no connection, no love. An unhappy parent who doesn't do anything about it because she thinks it's what's best. It should never be a competition about who does what or who works harder. It should be about sharing it all as a team. We have lost that, in all honesty I don't think we ever were. I should never have to sacrifice who I am to make others happy when they have caused me to lose myself in the first place.

This shouldn't be a shock to you, it's been coming for a long time. I'm just going to have to be the one who puts a stop to it before it's too late. It's not because I don't love you, because a part of me always will but I can't keep living like this. I've thought about this long and hard and I'm making this decision for all of us. All I ask is that I have your support in working out living arrangements, finances etc moving forward. I don't want to make this any harder than it has to be.

[ur-daily-inspiration]

[thiswildheart]

Well, well, well, look who came back to chat after ghosting me...

[thiswildheart]

Sometimes I wonder if I've ever been part of the problem. Have I contributed to the hurt that was caused?

I hope not, but if I did, I hope she knows that it was never my intention. I would never want to hurt the one person that has been by my side no matter what happens. Never judged, always valued.

My family, my "friendships", my relationship. She's been there for me through it all when no one else has. No matter the time or distance apart I know I could always count on her. I just hope she didn't feel pressured to be there if it meant putting herself second. Because without her, there really is no me.

Since everything that's happened this month, I've tried not to add to her already overloaded plate. I know she won't mind, but I do. I know how hard she has fought and how much people have failed her and I don't want to be one of those people. I'm not trying to tiptoe. Of course I will always be honest and genuine with her. I won't ever not tell her anything. I just know she has a long road ahead and I will be there beside her every step of the way. Because she is more than worth it. And I will do whatever is in my power to not make it any harder for her.

A heart like hers is priceless and should be protected at all costs.

I'm learning how to navigate my own diagnosis and medication. I don't think it's working to be quite honest. I'm still snapping, I'm still tired and unmotivated, I'm still forgetting. But I'm talking a shit load more, you can't shut me up. Hopefully it's not annoying anyone. I'm barely eating because I have no appetite but I've only lost 2kg 😔 That isn't helping. To be fair, I don't move as much as I should either. A month and a half in and I'm not very hopeful.

[thiswildheart]

[thiswildheart]

Tonight loneliness has tightened its grip.

I'm not lonely in the sense that I don't have many friends, I have maybe 3 at maximum and I'm definitely ok with that. Quality over quantity.

I'm lonely in the sense that I just miss being desired, being held and being made to feel as though I was special. I mean, I haven't had that in the longest time and the slightest hint that someone wants to get into my pants ends up making me look desperate because I don't have the slightest inch of self control that stops me from pressing send. Well, I guess I am desperate, for intimacy, for dopamine, for someone to look after me for once. To just be treated how I deserve. For someone I can come home to and send sexy pictures to and actually feel wanted. It's been a long time.

It's so overwhelming when I get ghosted or the lack of interest disappears. I don't care for them. I don't want another relationship. It's merely the feeling of being wanted by someone. That they believe I'm worthy of their time and affection. So when it all stops I feel rejected.

Please understand that it's not that I don't feel worthy or beautiful or all the things that someone would be attracted to. Because I like to believe (without sounding conceited) that I'm a pretty decent human all round. Chaotic yet beautifully damaged.

I'd love to have a roster, people that want to talk and get to know me. But at the same time once they ghost me, I'll feel worse. If someone ghosts me that's on them, I'm sure they have their reasons and I don't hold it against them. I just have a blind spot for red flags.

At this point I'm not sure what's worse, the feeling of rejection or the loneliness.

[wedarkacademia]

Chaos | Nikita Gill

[remanence-of-love]

[thiswildheart]

We got home late last night, I knew our getaway wasn't as amazing as we had hoped but I didn't see this coming.

I'm writing this as I sit in a hospital waiting room. I got the call and I drove straight there. She had overdosed on sleeping tablets and I don't know what to do. My first aid training didn't kick in, I froze. Paralyzed.

I know she was hurting but I thought she would be strong. If not for herself but for me. She's been hurting for too long, that I understand.

I feel so helpless but there is nothing I can do but wait. Hope and pray that she pulls through.

She can't leave me like this. I know it's selfish but she can't leave me to face this world alone. She is my strength. Maybe I've been leaning on her too much? Did I overwhelm her too? Did she feel pressure to be strong for me?

What would happen if one of my biggest fears came true? How would I cope? How would I tell her daughters that their mum isn't coming home? How do I tell my girls that they will never get a hug from her again?

Her husband is numb and detached. I think he is in shock honestly. Maybe even angry. Which I'm not invalidating but she's asked for help so many times and he hasn't stepped up.

My heart is breaking for her. To be in that much pain and heartache is so much to bare, especially when you ask for support and never get it.

I'm going to stay here overnight. She's sleeping at the moment and I'm not sure if she can hear me when I talk to her but I hope she knows I'm here and not going anywhere.

[thiswildheart]

If a shitty life was the jackpot then you could say i won.

Another downer post so if you don't want to feel like shit then I highly suggest you don't read on...

I don't even know where to start...

This was supposed to be my time, 5 days away with the best friend to relax, unwind and just be us for once. To recharge the batteries.

But I fucked up, once again. I feel like this whole time away I've annoyed the absolute crap out of the only person who actually cares if I breathe or not. She is going through the (second) hardest time of her life and I feel so helpless. I can't give her advice because my own life is a shit show so that wouldn't help at all. I can't offer her refuge because my own home feels like a battle ground. I can't offer financial support because I'm in the biggest hole I've ever been in.

So tonight, I sit on the balcony, sobbing like a baby writing the shit I'm too chicken to say.

I got myself into an imaginary situation ship that I knew was no good for me and the rejection stings like a bitch. You know that sneaky link I mentioned before? Yeah that's the one. That red flag was waving at me like a bull at the gates yet here I am anyway.

I knew what I was getting myself into yet I played with fire, got burnt and made things a million times worse anyway. I'm tempted to message him even now, explaining that I was using him as an escape from my shitty life. To feel wanted and loved by someone I barely know. Like a drug addiction I needed the hit. I want to be brutally honest with him yet I'm tormented by my past where my honesty was put on blast and made a mockery of. Let's be serious here, I'm gonna do it and look like a fucking moron while I'm at it.

Meanwhile I'm away from my girls and I don't even miss them. I crave a life where I can be unapologetically me. The life I never got the chance to fulfill. I feel as though they are doing just fine and don't even acknowledge that I'm gone. Should I just give in and let their dad raise them? Wouldn't everyone just be happier?

I'm furious at myself for looking like the idiot once again. For ruining things once again. My best friend is battling her own demons and I can't be there for her the way she needs me. Instead I'm making them worse by making her worry about me, getting frustrated at me and just being an outright, obnoxious, selfish and interrupted shit that I am. She has been the only one who has stuck by my side and showed me her beautifully honest and raw self. It kills me to know that she is going through so much pain and that I am the cause of annoyance. She deserves the absolute best and I wish the world was filled of people just like her. If it wasn't for her, I would be standing on this ledge of the balcony ready to jump. But I can't do that to her, I can't be the source of another avenue of her pain. She deserves so much more than this shit excuse of a human as a best friend.

I'm still waiting on the idea that my "husband" will wake up to the fact that I'm done, I've checked out and realise all the pain he has caused me. None of it was my fault but why do I feel that it was? Why am I taking the blame for his dishonesty and manipulation?

I just feel like the series of lies and deception I chose to believe for so long has caused all this trauma and pain. I'm the one to blame because I saw this shit a mile away and still continued on. Terrorizing the lives of the people around me and even creating new lives to destroy. I am the source of the pain.

Why am I even still breathing? What is the point of my life?

[thiswildheart]

Well this ride got wild!

Alot has happened since my last post. That sneaky link is yet to visit but he's brought some friends into the equation so it's all a little bit of spicy chit chat here and there because so far no one has the balls to set anything up.

I discovered that the husband has been "visiting" a so called friend of ours behind my back. Another condom missing and when confronted about it he looked me in the eyes and lied to me. When he realised I knew the truth he gave in. Giving the same old bullshit excuses as usual. But this time is different. This time I'm done. He knows it and so do I.

I went out on the weekend, got dressed up, drank, did a little something else and hit the dancefloor. Met the sneaky links friend at the club and we ended up fucking back at the hotel. My memory is patchy but what I do remember was pretty good. The problem is it's only fuelled the fire and I want more.

I'm trying not to look thirsty but truth be told, I just want someone to take me to bed, make it nasty and throw me around HaHa! Maybe I have a problem. An addiction. Maybe it's the thrill. It's been a long time since I've been like this!

I'm just not getting my needs met and it's driving me crazy. To go from almost every day to months without is definitely not what I'm used to.

Anyway, until the next shenanigans....