thkn's journal

A personal journal. Mindfulness since January 2019 Developing Emotional Intelligence since 2021 Emotion Focussed Therapy since July 2022

[thkn-n]

My return will be in 2025

Hey everyone. Life has taken a different turn this year. I will be happy to share all the findings and knowledge very soon. Right now, I am working on several ways to describe the findings and experiences. Tumblr has been a playground for me to write about my journey. I will gradually move to another platform in 2025. You will be informed when the time comes.

2024 was a difficult year full of grief, letting go, intuition, coping strategies, reinventing life and boundaries.

How do you deal with loss and what will arise while doing so? Looking back at all findings I have shared till now, it was part of a traumatic loss. The lessons I shared are still very valuable. In 2025 the dots will be connected.

You can find a lot of emotional depth in loss. Loss can be anything. Losing your job, your loved ones, health loss, financial loss et cetera. The willingness to go deeply into this pain takes a lot of courage, patience and kindness. It will question the values of your life.

Learning how to live after loss takes courage, love and self-respect. How do you solve life in turbulent times? I will gladly share my findings.

Till then, hold on my friend.

[thkn-n]

2024 January

You are more than you think you are. Why limit yourself to one belief?

[thkn-n]

51#2023 Challenging truths

I think this will be one of my last post this year. The last few months were truthly challenging. Life is such a suprise. You never know what will happen and you never know when the end is coming.

I am dealing with the illness of a loved one. This forces my life to be slowed down. I suffered mentally of the idea of death. There has been a huge shift in my future plans and uncertainty was created. The impact is big, I could not carry myself there alone back then.

This is a situation where there is less control in a person like me. I am not a doctor to be able to cure the disease. My job is to ease the situation for my loved one by making food, cleaning and keep the person company.

However, I faced the mental drain during this job. I also have to take care of my own well-being. Fueling myself with the energy I need to continue my life and also for taking care of the other person. What gives me energy? What gives me purpose? What are the things that gives me joy?

Sometimes I was challenged to seek in myself what my sadness is telling me. Sometimes I was covered in fear for days. Knowing that this is normal, I had to understand my emotions and communicate my needs.

No one will understand what you need, unless you tell them.

This crisis gave me a wonderfull lesson: I found out what I find important in relationships and life. It challenged me to dive deep in my emotions and in being vulnerable towards others. I experienced some truths and it only made me stronger in making better descisions.

Some may not understand me as a person and I do not expect anyone to. Some people may not be in the position to give what I need. Not everyone knows how to respond to difficult situations. Some people are not aware of the impact they have on you. Some people only take, but do not know how to give. It takes a deep understanding from both people to see the essence of the conversation. Trauma bonds are easy to spot while communicating your needs. There are people that turn your bad time into an excuse to talk about themselves. It requires both people to communicate their time for space.

I believe in humanity and there are many glimmers in the world to discover.

Take your time to feel. Take your time to heal. Just being where you are, is enough. Your presence matter and allow yourself to be gentle. When something does not work out as you wanted it to, take a step back and take time to digest what is happening in the moment. Every second is a new moment to start over again.

Have a great holiday.

[thkn-n]

38#2023 Pain during time of aging

There are a lot of lessons that we learned during the past few years. The most important and the toughest one is to start doing what you want to do. There are so many obstacles that comes in life. There will always be a challenge to overcome. Some are harder than others. It is undeniable to grow older and wiser. Life will expose you a range of possibilities in the world. There will always be moment of grief and also moment full of happiness. It is about finding the joy in our daily life to overcome all the hurdles of life.

Life is too short to focus on the unfortune side of life. The battles within our mind are the hardest.

I truthfully believe that there is beauty in anything that exist in this world. This is where the impact of perspective matters.

The way we are searching for joy is up to us. The more we allow ourselves to stay in the quiet moment of peace, the more we can experience what is happening in between our minds and the real experience of life.

Slow down, breathe mindfully. Even in the most physical pain, it will ease the body.

[thkn-n]

36#2023 Things we cannot control

Life is not easy. The unexpectency of life can throw you off in situations where there is little to control. Those external factors in life are the obstacles that challenges your resilience.

Hardship: It describes a difficult situation of condition where somebody is in at the moment. Hardships can vary widely in nature and severity and may be the result of various factors, including personal circumstances, environmental conditions, societal issues, or external events.

Examples of hardship:

Financially

Health-related

Personal and family

Educationally

Housing

Legal

Natural and environmental

Emotional and psychological

Discrimination and social

Global

Hardship can be temporary or prolonged, and it often requires resilience, support, and resources to overcome.

This is not my first time that I going through hardship and there are things that I learned during the good and bad times in life that helped me strengthen my resilience.

Resilience is the ability to adapt to difficult situations.

Resilience is a skill that is not build overnight. I am not sure if there is a way to teach resilience when there is no hardship. Experiencing hardship usually shows us how we currently face the world. There is a lot of things we can learn from the situation.

Here are some skills that helped me through a difficult period. There is no particular order to follow.

Reaching out for help

Not everyone you speak is suitable for all of your needs. There are people who can support you emotionally. Others might have some ideas how to get you out of the situation. Seeking help is a great way to get grip of the situation. Those who you can reach out can be family, friends or support groups.

2. Problem solving and plan ahead

When facing hardship, the future might looks fearfull. Identify where the problems lies. Emotional regulation and reaching out for help might be good ways to lessen the friction of creating a solution for your problems. Look at the things that brings you misery. Create small steps that brings you out of it. Be realistic and look at the areas where you lack support and how to obtain what you need.

3. Self-care

Self-care is about physical needs and emotional needs. Stay in touch with yourself. Be kind to yourself by taking time to do activities you enjoy. Get a routine, take care of your sleep and diet. Meeting your emotional needs is a huge topic, which requires emotional regulation.

4. Staying in the present moment

The past brings sadness and the future gives you uncertainty. The best moment is the present moment where you can take action of your situation. Whenever you notice that you are dwelling on the past or future, try to shift your focus back to the real time. Meditation is a way how to practice this shift of perspective.

6. Positive reinforcement

Reward yourself for hard work. Positive reinforcement goes hand in hand with self-care. Giving yourself a positive feeling after a hard task boosts self-confidence, self-approval and self-esteem. This teaches you to appreciate yourself. There is no need to rely on approval of others.

Learning any of these skills takes time and practice.

[thkn-n]

30#2023 The daydream

It is five weeks since my last update. It does not feel that long time ago. That day when I spoke about this “calm sense”, it felt like a dreamy sensation. It felt like my mind wanted to escape to a place in my head. I noticed that I wanted to  dream away and do nothing at all. It is this kind of blurry layer that suddenly covers my perspective of life. It felt like I covered up the reality with an invisible  layer. It feels like I was soothing myself to feel pleasant during the difficult stressfull days.

I started to daydream. Life started to feel less real and it is hard to escape this feeling.

Everyday felt like just another dream. Nothing felt important anymore. Nothing felt even real. My thoughts where about everything I wanted to do. I was enjoying the thought of me doing things but not put myself in action.

It was some kind of daydream of life. Sometimes I lay in bed just to enjoy my stories. I had a hard time waking up, falling asleep and getting back into my routine.

I’m not sure what triggered me but it was difficult to get out of it.

[thkn-n]

25#2023 Flow, dream, future note

Actually, today I was noticing a big difference in the way I perceive reality the past few days. I am wondering if there is a difference between the “dreamy state” and “flow state”.

To focus on something and redirecting my thoughts to certain tasks feels very easily. Just like right now, everything else is blocked away and I can fully focus on the task that is in front of me. There are no other thoughts that is coming in my mind. What I know is that I often got disrupted in the past during these kind moments.

Perhaps this kind of perspective of my focus, is something that I am a bit afraid of? Maybe because of the trauma, I got more alert and tend to keep myself away of getting lost in the process of creating. Music is definitely enhancing the “focus effect”. It is quite pleasant.

I wonder if it is a flow state? I find it quite nice to feel this relaxed. It is something that I do not feel very often. There are not many random thoughts that came in my mind today. It could possibly be an effect of the matcha latte’s, which contains L-Theanine.

It is funny how I am trying to make sense of it, but I hope in the future I can look back to this post and realize what it all was about.

[thkn-n]

20#2023 Our body // Poem

Remind to sit with oneself.

Nurturing the body with attention and movements.

Time will pass, as we being here in the same body for years.

Nurture it well.

Take care while you age.

And till the time has come.

Gratefulness will pass by

- thkn (2023)

[thkn-n]

17#2023 Meeting you

I often stumbled upon people who misunderstand my kindness/interest for love.

I observe people. I learn from people. They show me who they are. I am learning about the things they do in life, without letting them ever know. I can see what choices are inspiring me or not. You are a reminder for doing things better. A reminder to change myself. That’s why I enjoy everyone I meet. Everyone reminds me of something important about myself.

You are on your journey and I am on mine.

[thkn-n]

16#2023 Creating space

The past week I was challenged by the distractions in life. What does it mean by “having your own space”? I was thinking about ways to claim my space and not be bothered by my environment. 

Besides my meditation sessions, I created more time to be with myself and be okay with the pace that I am having. Some examples are...

1. Taking a walk

2. Reading a book

3. Taking care of my body

4. Cleaning up my space

5. Journalling

6. Leaving the party earlier

During the times that I spend with myself, I noticed what kind of thoughts I am allowing myself to have. Most of the thoughts that came up in my mind were from the people whom I have interacted with that day. The thoughts were all about them and their life. I used this awareness to redirect the thoughts towards the things I find important for myself. After noticing the thoughts, I started journalling more about the things I want to focus at.

Creating space is not only physically but also mentally.

[thkn-n]

15#2023 To breathe

To breathe is like an anchor to the present moment. Breathing slowly, breathing deeply, breathing in and slowly breathing out.. It brings me back to the present moment, a moment with peace and serenity. I notice how easy it is for me to get distracted in a world that is moving so quickly.

Where is the focus and how do I keep it?

There is so much distraction and this is how I am currently thinking about some situations.

1. What is distracting me from my goals?

2. What part of the distraction is my own responsibility?

[thkn-n]

14#2023 Triggers

I discovered ways to stay in my own vibe. At first glance, it did not felt intuitive to prioritize myself and leave an environment that did not serve me. The conversations with the people were draining and I left with an empty feeling. Their thoughts where lingering in my mind which makes me feel drained.

After I left and diminished contact with others, I was looking for things to do that makes me happy. It went well for a while and I am gratefull for that. I started to feel aligned with the way I want to show up to the world. I gained focus and energy on my goals with the least distractions.

Still, there are moments that triggers me back to the trauma. It triggers the fight-and-flight reaction which makes me feel very tired and unfocussed. I noticed that I had a hard time to be in the moment. My mind was stuck in my mind, thinking about nothing.

The difference between now and before is that I now understand how it feels to be feeling “normal” again. Awareness about the change in your energy is key to bring you back to the state where you are feeling the most calm and safe.

I spoke with a friend and took a long walk. Engaging with my senses always helps me to bring me back to the present moment.

[thkn-n]

09#2023 Openness

Identifying yourself with the emotion only brings more complexity than it actually is.

Looking at emotions, experiencing it and understanding will resolve it in a more natural way.

Bring openness to look in a non judgmental way to your feelings. An obverservation that validates the experience.

[thkn-n]

07#2023 New beginning

Things come to an end. Life is moving forward and it brings along a different feeling. When endings comes, beginnings are starting. This kind of transition feels somehow natural due the results from my different actions. But I admit, it brings a difficult feeling: knowing that things will be an dead end when it continues. Some things are meant to let go in order to receive the better that comes next. What comes next is partly shaped out of the actions that are taken before.

These days, meditation brings me back the sense of “home”. The feeling of safety, the fragility of my identity. This feeling brings me many joyful moments of the past.

What has fear done to me? It protected and cherished this part of myself. I have been vigilant in order to protect the joyfull moments in my life from breaking apart. 

Now that safety has been settled, I am happy to feel home again. Home in my own body. Calmly embracing my fragility.

[thkn-n]

06#2023 Trusting the process

The past months I have been working so hard to get things right. For a long time, I felt out of my place. My world did not move, progress was hard to track and mental support was limited. Today I just wake up very peacefully and finally seeing clearly where I started and see what descisions helped me to standing here today. Asking for help was a tremendous change. During the process for a better future, it was hard to see where I was going. Everyday I tried to be a better version of yesterday. Some days were better than other days. To trust the unknown was hard, so I was learning how to trust myself. I think that is one of the important and biggest lesson in life.

Trust the future and yourself. You are in controll of your own life.

The hurt, the anger and the tears of the past. It is important to allow and understand where it comes from. It is your perspective. It is valid and shaped the way you react towards things. It make sense that all the pain hurts and that you want to protect yourself from all the pain again. It is never great to feel in pain, yet there is so much that you can learn your reactions of that pain. I am gratefull that there are specialized people that can guide you through the immensive pain. It can be a dangerous process to do it on your own.

Some weeks ago, I had a chat with a narcissist. That day, I felt calm and in peace with my inner self. I was talking about my day and telling my opinion about our relationship. I was so calm and noticed that they felt hurt and criticized. They said that I was picking up a fight and that I should not think that way, I was wrong and I am the cause of everything.

Yeah. From my perspective, that was pretty bullshit. I used to doubt myself. I used to get angry from their reaction. That day, it felt like an achievement that it did not bother me anymore. I know my worth and they did not see it at all. I felt pity that they want to live in their head. Looking back at this conversation, I understand that this kind of conversation made me insecure, angry and doubtfull in the past.

I am not what they say I am.

I know where I want to go in life. Those who can not see it, will miss it.

[thkn-n]

02#2023 Year of acceptance

The past six months I have been working on exploring my emotions. It made me aware of how it feels and the way how I deal with it. I started to listen to the sadness, anger, happiness, suprise, disgust and fear. New stories have unfolded and they will still continue this year as well.

I noticed that the way of approaching emotions, has a lot of effect on self esteem and on the view towards people. Acceptance towards your emotions, effects the way you accept yourself.

This year will be a new journey of exploration. I would like to see where my life will go when I accept the way I feel about things. How can I live with more intention?

At some point I start to believe that we sometimes don’t need to change at all. If we understand who we are, I think it is a powerful strength. There is no need to be good at everything and compare ourselves. By embracing what we can, we can show our natural strengths. Perhaps it balances out the world.

We are just enough. You can be a lot more of who you already are.

[thkn-n]

Reflection of 2022

I feel ready for the next phase but before I start, I would like to tell you a bit about 2022.

The year started with many thoughts in my mind. There were so many emotions that I felt. The sadness, grief and mostly incomprehension about life and the people around me. My mind was daily occupied and it made my life stops for a moment. It was untill july that I came up with the meditation challenge of 15 minutes a day for one month straight. I do not know what really made me take this action. Perhaps I started to notice that something needed to change. The thoughts did not serve me and neither I could see any progress in my daily life. A journal was a way to show up for myself everyday.

During this month, something shifted. Till now, I still do not know if the daily meditation was the cause but I started to acknowlegde that I have problems. In the first time in years I started to accept and admit that I just need help. I put a lot of effort in changing the situation and seeking help from several people.

I suffer years because of trauma and I took it lightly. Acceptance was hard to do and it blocked me of seeking for help.

After july, I started doing Emotion Focussed Therapy. Also, I started to have a more stable routine because of the 9-5 job I was doing.

I learned about my triggers. Am I feeling stressed? When do I get triggered? What do I feel in my body?

I learned about my emotions. How do they feel? What does it tells me? How can I sit with it? How to accept it?

I practiced to how comfort myself in moments when I am feeling my best. It helped me to cope with myself when I was feeling low.

Looking back at my first post in 2022... I can proudly say that I achieved what I have written. It was rough to come at this starting point of self acceptance. By learning more about my emotions, it opened a whole new perspective of looking at myself.