So I write, a lot. I write stories and poems and just in gerneral thoughts. I take requests for stories as well. I roleplay as well, this is a new profile for me to start over, so lets start over.
“[i carry your heart with me(i carry it in]” by E. E. Cummings
“Love Sorrow” by Mary Oliver
“Conversations About Home (at the Deportation Centre)” by Warsan Shire
“Litany in Which Certain Things Are Crossed Out” by Richard Siken
“Pig” by Hieu Minh Nguyen
“The Thing Is” by Ellen Bass
“Mad Girl's Love Song” by Sylvia Plath
“The Century’s Decline” by Wislawa Szymborska
“A Primer For The Small Weird Loves” by Richard Siken
“Unpainted Door” by Louise Glück
“Spring has come back again” by Rainer Maria Rilke
“Homesickness” by Marina Tsvetaeva
“Don't Hesitate” by Mary Oliver
“Poem for Haruko” by June Jordan
“To Be Human Is to Sing Your Own Song” by Mary Oliver
“Edward the Confessor” by Eileen Myles (under the cut bc i couldn't find it online)
“Edward the Confessor” by Eileen Myles
(content warning: graphic description of sexual activity at the end of the poem. i added *** right before that part just in case.)
I have a confession to make
I wish there were
some role in society
I could fulfill
I could be a confessor
I have a confession to make
I have this way when I step
into the bakery on 2nd Ave.
of wanting to be the only
really nice person in the store
so the harried sales woman
with several toned hair
will like me. I do this in all
kinds of stores, coffee shops
xerox shops, everywhere I go.
And invariably I leave my keys,
xeroxing, my coffee
from the last place
I am being so nice. I try
so hard to make a great
impression on these neutral
strangers right down to
the perfect warm smile
I get entirely lost and
stagger back out onto
the street, bereft
of something major.
It’s really leaning
too hard on the everyday.
My mother was
the kind of woman who
dragging us into stores
always seemed to charm the pants
off the cashier. She was such
a great person, so human
though at home she was
such a bitch, I mean really
distant. I imitate her and
I don’t do it well. She didn’t
leave her wallet
or us in a store.
I’m just a pale imitation
it is simply not my style
to open the hearts of
strangers to my true
personhood. I hope you accept
this tiny confession of what
I am currently going through.
And if you are experiencing
something of a similar nature
tell someone, not me,
but tell someone. It’s the new
human program to be in. It would
be nice for at least
these final moments if
we could sigh
with the relief
of being in
the same program
with all the
other humans
whispering
in school. I can’t quite locate
the terror, but I am trying
to be my mother
or Edward the Confessor
smiling down on you with up-praying
hands. I am looking down at the
tips of my boots as I step
across the balcony of the
church excited to be allowed
to say these things. Outside my church
is a relationship. On 11th street
this guy and this woman are selling
the woman so they can
get more dope. All their things
are there, rags and loaves of
bread and make-up. ***
And there was—
this was incredible.
Two men lying by the door
of the church giving
each other blow-jobs.
They were sort of street
guys, one black one white.
I said hey you can’t do
that here. They jumped
up, one spit come
out of his mouth. If you don’t
get out of here I’ll call
the cops. Don’t call the
cops we’ll go, we’ll leave.
That was a shock. That was more
than I expected to see in
a day. Something about
seeing the guy spit
come out of his
mouth. He didn’t
have to do that.
I guess I scared
him. I couldn’t
believe my eyes.
I was scared too.
A Girlfriend?
Huh...?
Maybe...?
Finally...?
I guess I could say,
“Finally, It’s about damn time...”
it’s her... oh my god... its her. The one you have had your eyes on for so damn long...finally mine...all mine... all hers....
I really want to keep this one, treat her right, love her right, be with her in all the right ways. I really love her, like a lot...
I have never felt so sure; she makes me overthink so much... I know I love her,
because,
I am so scare
Very scared that i am going to fuck it all up...
Please love me unconditionally...
Don’t leave me.
Please
My hands shake. My body aches. I come homw and I lay down, In hopes that resting might help a little. It doesn't. Cause I don't rest, if anything it makes it all worse.
I stand tall in the mirror, Every morning. Agonizingly I practicing for the day that is ahead of me. Practicing for when people seee me outside of my bedroom. I put on that mask the smiled with strong eyes and sturdy shoulders. This doesn't help much either. So many walls...
My feet ache from all the running, All the running I do to escape my inevitable reality. The inevitable reality that hits me when I step into the bathroom.
I look into the mirror and avert my gaze to avoid punching what I see in front of me. I am sick of seeing... me. Sick of seeing my face he called ugly, Sick of seeing the body I worked so hard for, but will still never be up to his standards.
It alwasy comes back to him, the one man in my life that is suppose to love me unconditionally. Unconditionally.
I went back there to see you again...I told myself it was to torment you. For what you did to me. But perhaps I just wanted to confirm it was really you.... well it was... really you. Perhaps I went back just so I could see you as again... Perhaps I went back just to torment myself.
Can you see me?
I'm dancing on my own
Can you hear me?
I'm crying out for help
Is it ignorance?
Or selfishness?
You said stay here
But I'm running out of air
I hope you know
As I wait
I suffocate
I hope you know
The air gets cold
When you don't hold me
The sky turns grey
The flowers fade
And blow away
Can you see me?
I'm dancing on my own
Can you hear me?
I'm crying out for help
Is it ignorance?
Or selfishness?
You said stay here
But I'm running out of air
I hope you know
As I wait
I suffocate
Should I chase you down?
Or should I keep waiting
Should I move on?
Or should I keep waiting
(Should I chase you down?)
Can you see me?
(Or should I keep waiting )
I'm dancing on my own
(Should I move on?)
Can you hear me?
(Or should I keep waiting )
I'm crying out for help
(Should I chase you down?)
Is it ignorance?
Or selfishness?
(Or should I keep waiting)
You said stay here
But I'm running out of air
(Should I move on?)
I hope you know
As I wait
I suffocate
Uncomfortabllity
My mind is a prison and I’m trapped in it.
No way to get out of it…
I know I’ve made so many mistakes in my life, but your not one and I know that for a fact…
I don’t want to lose you
I can’t…
I know you say I won’t but I’m scared
I don’t look like the type to scare easily
I don’t get scared easily…
I could lose anyone and it wouldn’t bother me…
But here you are and there is my fear… the same fear I have of losing him.
I’m stuck in a nightmare and you’re the main theme..
Not in a bad way
You’re just out of reach
My reach
You’re not reaching
They have you
And I’m behind a door
This nightmare isn’t a dream, not a dream you’d dream at night
I guess you could call it a thought
A thought that is constantly going through my mind
Running through my mind whenever you mention her
Her… the one that has you
I’m scared
I was the last to show up to the party and they have you
You’re comfortable
Probably more comfortable than with me
I can’t tell you not to be
I can’t tell you to stop
They were here first
I feel out of place
Just as I do in my own thoughts
I’m uncomfortable
She has you
I don’t
You’re intoxicated
You’re with her intoxicated
“I’m all yours”
“You have nothing to fear”
“Nothing will happen”
“I love you”
I’ve heard it all before
Do I believe?
No
Do I want to?
Yes
Back to my mind…
I turn around feel confident
She’s not with you now
I adore you
I simply adore you
From you’re hair being so light that the sun shines off the top when the day is nice, it’s beautiful
You’re beautiful
You are you and I adore you
Like I adore the flowers when spring rolls around
I await to smell the roses when I arrive
I look into your eyes and I see a beautiful wishing well
I long to take a sip from each morning
I adore you…
“She’s coming over…”
I shatter
You said you wanted to be alone.
I give you space, all the time you need, I became distant, I’m sorry…
“She’s spending the night”
I look at the ground and at my hands
“What’s wrong with me?” I ask
My mind is a prison
And I watch you with her after I stepped back from you and now I’m grabbing the bars I’m trapped behind
I’m screaming
I’m suffocating from my own words
I’m swallowing the harsh ones and letting the soft ones come through
Why?
Because I want to trust you
I want to let you do what you want
But here I am
Watching and crying as I fall to my knees in my own prison because I can’t breath for my own words are choking me
~I’m sorry
~you
I look out over the water from what I think is the shore, the waves hit my feet as I look down and I am standing on rocks. I look out and see a boat in the distance, its not moving, its stagnant and the waves make it bounce a little.
I see a figure on the boat, and now the cold shivers run up my spine as I see the figure raise their hand. I know who it is but i don’t at the same time. Does that make since? I raise my arm and I wave, and the figure stops waving at me, they just watch me.
I climb the rocks and I look up, I see her again, the figure from the boat. I know it’s her because it’s a female body shape like before. She walks away from the edge as i continue climbing and I don’t yell for her, I simply just follow, making my way up from the sea.
I’m in a field now, the grass is tall and I look around to see the cliff I climbed, and the ocean below, the boat is gone when I look out at the endless horizon. I start to walk toward the gazebo and I look up at the sky, the clouds are moving so fast but the grass is still. I’m not wearing shoes. I step into the gazebo and I take a seat, I look to my side and she’s sitting next to me.
I wake up...
What the hell?
So this is a weird dream I had that probably has no reason behind it. But yeah...
