a penny for a thought

[thoughtsandhums]

am I that broken when I know for sure that, if I were provided comfort, I wouldn't believe it? if someone told me "it will be okay", "I'm here for you", I could just let my head go to the only truth I know: that things don't get solved easily and that people tire of damaged ones so fast.

am I?

[thoughtsandhums]

"coming of age" media shows teenagers/young adults finding their purpose, their true self – mine was understanding that my mother's love was conditional. I was her eldest child, her carbon copy, loved until I took my own form. disagreements meant high treason. not comforming to her standards meant being defective. no amount of shared trauma and emotional caretaking from me to her meant anything because I wasn't the child she wanted – she needed – anymore, so I am to be taunted until she tries to mold me once again.

maybe, after all, I found my "true self". I am what I am, the statement proud and glorious – but the price to pay is higher than it should ever be.

[thoughtsandhums]

there isn't something more beautiful than living for yourself and yourself only, everything you make is for your own joy, but sometimes taking the risk of sharing that joy with someone else becomes an incontrollable impulse that makes yearning unbearable.

[thoughtsandhums]

Christmas is the perfect time of the year for only two tipe of people: the ones who do not have burdens and the ones who still know hope. the thing is, the people who should feel love and warmth the most are the ones who hate it, because behind every single "ugh, I hate Christmas" there's immense grief that prevents being joyful when everybody else around you is loving every second of it.

[thoughtsandhums]

many people experience the comforting words of their parents, but I don't happen to know them. all I know is the crushing weight of undeserved disappointment expressed through "you're dumb", "you're repulsive", and the lingering question "why".

[thoughtsandhums]

I lash out like a rabid dog, I reject every form of help, I show my teeth, but how can you blame me? most of my life has been unkind.

[thoughtsandhums]

one parent didn't want you, one stayed but rubs it in your face. one doesn't love you, and the other one doesn't either.

[thoughtsandhums]

feeling the overwhelming need to be comforted, just to be reassured with few little overused words or an engulfing hug, while rejecting every form of human compassion because every human that ever crossed our path caused pain must be the saddest contrast.

[thoughtsandhums]

am I really worth of love when even my mother, blood of my blood, despises me for simply existing? when walking on eggshells is the only type of step I've ever known? when searching warmth from the one who should carry you isn't a viable option from the very beginning? when every word is met with a scowl?

[thoughtsandhums]

I am ever changing, just like the moon, but the way I keep looking at her, night after night, stays the same.

[thoughtsandhums]

I swear I am so empty, so devoid of feelings, utterly ruined, but when I see the simplest kind of beauty? oh am I built anew.

[thoughtsandhums]

when people hear about someone's story, sometimes they ask "how could you let them treat you like this?". the answer is there, laid out but apparently out of reach: love. maybe it was a friend, maybe it was a partner, maybe it was a parent; all people tied by love.

[thoughtsandhums]

there's a certain charm in little common things, often overlooked. the shiny green of new leaves, the little thrill of choosing a mug for tea, the thought behind an outfit, the pecked plumage of a sparrow. observing is key.