Jack of the Arts, Master of none

My late night thoughts and obsessions

[biggest-gaudiest-poltergeist]

found in my 4am drafts folder:

spiritually, i am a bulldozer

[biggest-gaudiest-poltergeist]

wait i’m not done excavating the 4am Drafts Folder

insects don’t have their own blood so if u smoosh an insect and there’s blood inside–that’s stolen blood. externally heisted fluid

i can honestly think of no higher Life’s Aspiration than being an pinata? hit me with wooden clubs and make me explode into confetti and candy, that’s my ideal afterlife you fruit loop

oh you put together playlists in a certain “order,” so that they form a certain “cohesion” of attributes such as “rhythm” and “mood.” fucking weak

the ole “toning down my personal clothing choices in order to visually pass as cishet” or as I like to call it: Incognito Mode

*1990s jewelry advertisement voice* give her the gift that fits her perfectly. give her a cheese wheel stolen from the subterranean government cheese caves

I honestly don’t know

[thoughtsfromajackofart]

I’m crying due to >life< so here is a thought: Classic Mid Life Crisis ™ are poor, misguided attempts to heal the inner child. Its always the lost dream, thing they spent their teen years wishing they could own but could never afford and all the things they wanted as a child but was never allowed to get. and it ends up screwing over the ppl in their life bc not having to worry about consequences were probably something they could never get over when they transitioned to being a taxpayer.

[modmad]

The only capable person to play willy wonka was gene wilder, and he already did it, so they should've just skipped right to the muppets

but do we know for certain that Gene Wilder wasn’t a muppet

[modmad]

consider:

add to this that the majority of the shots with him are from the waist up

chaotic energy? yes. frequently obscured from the waist down? check. fashion on a level with Gonzo? close but let’s be fair nobody can match that.

Conclusion: Gene Wilder was a very sophisticated muppet who just about fooled everyone into thinking he was a human being

[thoughtsfromajackofart]

Why do I feel like that means he’s the antithesis of Judge Doom from Who framed Roger Rabbit xD Both are ‘toons in a human guise under different motives :P

[megaceros]

our cat’s morning routine

[megaceros]

yuss we have tons of photos catshaming Bibi for taking up too much space:

[kaczynskis-deactivated20210616]

[callmebliss-got-swamped]

I clicked fearing it would be Out Of Touch but, instead, it is perfectly splendid

[modmad]

TPoH: Update!

Update here on the TPoH website!

OWING TO A LOT OF PEOPLE SAYING THAT I SHOULD including my brain. Which is about to fizzle out. I am taking a week’s break. Like. A proper one. Because the one I took all too recently was to do other work and I feel bad for another week with no update but my dudes I am dying, so. Forced Vacay this week I’ll be back posting at the end of the month! Thanks in advance for understanding but hey, what a cliffhanger!

If you want to buy books of this comic THEY ARE SOLD OUT BUT because of the kickstarter we will be printing new ones soonish this year! Until then you can get some nice lil badges and such, so how about checking out the new TPoH Topatoco site right here, or tell your friends about it! There are also always lots of my doodles to buy on nice stuff in my Society6 merch box too!

If you like TPoH and my other work and want to help keep a soul and body together monetarily, please consider supporting me on Patreon, even just one or two dollars a month helps!

[thoughtsfromajackofart]

Hey @modmad I just want you to know on last weeks page (450), in the last panel all I hear is this xD (and also every time one of the tempers move)

[kris-allen1359-deactivated-deac]

I’ve previously described the brain anomaly that crowds my head with auditory hallucinations based on overlapping chord progressions.

(It’s why I like to make mashups & why I’m so paranoid composing original music.)

This song is a cleaned up rendering of what happens in my head when I hear the Magnolia Progression [ I I7 IV iv {optional V} ].

You can download it for free here.

Here’s an older & intentionally messier one [link]

[lontra-ohiensis]

still not over how much I love this

[tenporcupinesinnertrenchcoat]

Posts that would kill a peasant from 1173

[busstop]

Darrell Thorne on Instagram

[ambergrandma]

Here’s some of his other artworks

[secondlina]

Life as a tooooad is so sweet.

[biggest-gaudiest-poltergeist]

hello tumblr for the bargain price of $6.66 i will present to you one of my Top 5 Most Embarrassing Childhood Misadventures 

[biggest-gaudiest-poltergeist]

Ok so here’s the setup. When i was like 7, my parents moved us into a house where my sisters and I shared the upstairs, which was split into two bedrooms. I got a separate room bc I was the most territorial the eldest. Both bedrooms had these weird little attached attic…space…things that were essentially unfinished closets. they were padded to the brim with this stuff:

i later found out the company that sells it had an advertising deal w/ the pink panther cartoons. that detail is completely unrelated to this story.

fyi that pink stuff is fiberglass insulation. my mom, presumably, at some point, almost certainly told me not to touch it, and that it contained crushed glass, and that I absolutely should not touch it, listen to me [deadname], look at me: the pink stuff is dangerous so do not touch it. 

i say presumably, bc i was unmedicated at the time and my hyperactive 7-year-old brain tended to filter out unnecessary information. 

also, in my defense, that stuff is fluffy. like it may contain glass, but soda bottles contain glass, and they don’t hurt to touch. and neither did this stuff! it was pretty soft actually. i would occasionally pat it with my bare hands while hiding in the dark swaying back and forth pretending i had been kidnapped and was being held hostage in the belly of a pirate ship and it was fine. so after awhile my brain just sort of put the pink stuff in the category of “don’t eat it or anything and you’ll probably be fine.”

i would later wish, above all wishes, that i had heeded my mother’s warning.

 ok that’s part one, i gotta go make breakfast

[biggest-gaudiest-poltergeist]

ok i had bantam bagels

PART 2

a pertinent detail about my bedroom attic: it had a crawl space. just a tiny little black tunnel that disappeared into the house beyond. i naturally, one day, became curious about where exactly it disappeared to. and how far.

my curiosity was compounded by the fact that the crawl space headed directly towards my sister’s bedroom. upon further reflection, it was very possible that the crawl space in fact connected both attics. 

i should at this point discuss my sisters’ bedroom attic. while mine was mostly used for storage and for sitting alone in the dark listening to scary radio shows that gave me nightmares my sisters had rather brilliantly decided to repurpose theirs into a clubhouse/Stuffed Animal Storage Facility. from what i had seen, it was stuffed to bursting with goddamn stuffed animals. it also had, i believe, a little tea table. and they had drawn on the walls. all in all, very makeshift and cozy.

i say “from what i had seen” because generally speaking, i wasn’t allowed in the Stuffed Animal Storage Facility. it was Their space, and of course there is not more territorial group of people that children of the age group 12 and under. Also, i was the least popular member of the household, except possibly for one of the hamsters. 

So the scene has been set: I am a 7-year-old delinquent who just so happens to be obsessed w/ espionage and bank robberies and I have discovered a secret tunnel from my bedroom to my sisters’ Forbidden Clubhouse.

i consider myself a victim of circumstance. the events that followed really wrote themselves.

[biggest-gaudiest-poltergeist]

OF COURSE I WENT INTO THE CRAWL SPACE

what possible other ending could this story have? one sunday afternoon when i had nothing better to do, i decided to test my hypothesis that i was narrow enough to fit into the itty bitty tunnel.

and i WAS! an ancient and world-weary 8-year-old couldn’t have done it, but i was just stick-like enough to manage. i strapped a flashlight to my wrist and got on my hand and knees and crawled through that fucker! this, it transpired, was a colossal undertaking, as i was only technically small enough to fit into the wall. there was very little additional room to, for example, bend my knees and elbows. i ended up propelling myself forward mostly by inching along with my toes & wiggling like an eel. it was not very effective!

i got stuck several times. i tried to go back several times. it turns out there is no feasible way to turn around in a tunnel that is exactly as wide and as tall as the width of your shoulders. in one of my darker moments (i was stuck behind the bathroom wall, probably quite close to the toilet) it occurred to me that i had no actual proof there would be an opening on the other end. this presented certain concerns. it turns out it is rather difficult to drag yourself backwards by your toes.

i persevered! propelled by panic and (most of all) a lack of other options. 30 minutes and 10 yards later, i confirmed there was indeed an opening on the other end, which did indeed open into my sisters’ attic, because i was indeed a veritable genius. 

it was at this point i discovered my sisters were not in their bedroom. they had, in fact, at some point decided to go downstairs. meaning i would not be able to burst out of the attic to the shock and astoundment of all bystanders. 

i waited patiently for almost an entire minute. and then, observed only by the glossy plastic eyes of a hundred passionless plush toes, i tiptoed quietly away and hobbled back to my bedroom. 

This was, naturally, the beginning of the most woeful, misery-filled fortnight of my short and sorry life.

[biggest-gaudiest-poltergeist]

#I HONESTLY THOUGHT THIS WAS GONNA BE THE LAST PART  #SHIIIIIIT  #i am regretting this! i am regretting committing to this!  #…for one final payment of $6.66 i will do my utmost to finish this is a single last installment i swear#i’m flabbergasted and truly apologetic that this is so long i don’t know why i’m like this#i hope someone somewhere is enjoying this post bc it is much too long-winded for my liking#i am really hoping there is only one part left this was NOT supposed to be a 4 part post#for those dying to know i will give you a hint about how it ends#hint: EXACTLY HOW YOU WOULD EXPECT there are no surprises just my dumb ass reaping my sorry itchy desserts

[thoughtsfromajackofart]

Huh after realizing you too know the horrors of fiberglass hell I feel like I have some slightly to the side prevention info to share.

A lot of cheaper futons ($134 is still "cheap" for anykind of mattress) use glass fiber as a matress fire retardant to meet industy standards.

While futons with glass fiber liners are TECHNICALLY washable for some brands and come with zippers so you can wash the cover, you should NEVER wash them once you start using them as the glassfiber lining breaks down over time and will spread it to the cover and anything else you wash with and after that load unless you wash the machine.

This happened to me RECENTLY. I had to spend close to 300$ to replace my futon, bedding and comforter and thats not even covering the 2 loads of clothing I am still mourning and trying to save.

The easiest way to tell if this will be an issue is to look at the manufacturers tag and see if there is "Glass Fiber" listed in the materials

And I should say to prevent superbad freakouts, there is no issue of using the matresses if you never open them/they dont rip open. The stray fibers stay pretty well contained withing closed fabric and cant really get out without a difinitive opening, and if it is not agitated like crazy in the washer the fibers do not really have a chance to breakdown and become the tiny sharp pieces that really cause issues.

*fiber glass and glass fiber are two compositionally different materials that have the same properties of tiny sharp irratant hell once broken down and put into contact with skin

TLDR some futons are lined with glass fiber that will breakdown between the cover and matress that will spread to everything if you wash them. AND THAT IS BAD

[neil-gaiman]

Might be considered a weird question but, who is your favourite superhero and why?

Also if you're familiar with the marvel movie civil war, who's side would you be on?

I wrote Eternals during the height of Civil War and got to answer that question...

And probably the original Brother Power the Geek because he was all about peace and love and being weird on your own terms.

[pocketss]

getting ready with the girrrlllss

part 1

[galvanizedfriend]

[leatherleaves]

I recently started working in hospitality, and I’ll tell you guys right now, the trope of “there was only one bed” is not as rare as you’d think in real life. A few times a week, at least, I have guys come in who are working together on projects in town or passing through who have to literally book the last room I have available for the night and lo and behold — there is only one bed, and guess what, they give each other a side-eyed look and begrudgingly take it. So write it up, it happens all the time!!!

[karis-the-fangirl]

[blatant-phishing-attempt-bot-de]

Never let your There Was Only One Bed dreams die. I was secretly in love with my best friend for over a year when she graduated and moved to Oklahoma (like 1000 miles away) for grad school. Between that travel restrictions, we were so scared we’d never see eachother again.

At the end of summer, when Covid numbers were at a lower point, I took the risk to visit her in her new apartment and I quickly realized that, unlike when I’d spent the night at her house before, the couch wasn’t made up like a bed. She explained that since her new couch was so fancy and pink, I couldn’t possibly sleep on it, and so I needed to sleep in the bed with her. You know, out of necessity. I woke up with her snuggled around me in the middle of the night.

We’re dating now, and I genuinely think I’m going to marry her. Just the other day, though, I mentioned that if she hadn’t been weird about her fancy couch, I probably never would have like confessed my feelings. AND THEN she stood up, took the cushions off the fancy couch, UNFOLDED IT INTO A HIDE-A-BED, and said “I KNOW.”

THIS GIRL. ORCHESTRATED. BED SCARCITY. JUST SO SHE COULD MAKE THE “ONLY ONE BED” EXCUSE. Y’all when I said I just about lost my goddamn mind, I just about lost my goddamn mind. I love this sneaky bitch so much and the moral of this story is BE THE ONE BED YOU WANT TO SEE IN THE WORLD.

[leet911]

Fanfic imitates life, and life imitates fanfic. It’s full circle really.

[dmcfadzean]

[explodes-into-spaceeee-deactiva]

sure

[autisticexpression]

Why not at this point.

[catchymemes]

[whifferdills]

https://www.the-pro-creator.com/2019/01/I-hate-adobe-and-so-should-you.html

[sinmenon]

I’m posting the links here because the link keeps on a loop with adfly

IF YOU DRAW OR DESIGN Instead of PHOTOSHOP, try GIMP Instead of LIGHTROOM, try PAINT.DOT.NET Instead of ILLUSTRATOR, try INKSCAPE Instead of INDESIGN, try CANVA or SCRIBUS

IF YOU MAKE PICTURES MOVE Instead of PREMIERE, try DAVINCI RESOLVE Instead of ANIMATE/FLASH, try OPENTOONZ or BLENDER Instead of AFTER EFFECTS, try WAX, BLENDER or FUSION

IF YOU BUILD WEBSITES OR SOFTWARE Instead of DREAMWAVER, SPARK or XD, try WIX, WEEBLY, or WORDPRESS.COM or WORDPRESS.ORG

IF YOU DO STUFF THAT REQUIRES THESE OTHER PROGRAMS Instead of AUDITION, try AUDACITY Instead of ACROBAT PRO, try FOXIT READER or PDF ESCAPE Instead of INCOPY, try LOVING YOURSELF AND USING LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE (WHO USES THIS???)

IF YOU NEED STOCK PHOTOS OR FONTS Instead of ADOBE STOCK, try PEXELS, UNSPLASH, or PIXABAY Instead of ADOBE PHONTS, try GOOGLE FONTS or DAFONT

BONUS: If you need FREE MUSIC OR SOUND EFFECTS, try YOUTUBE AUDIO LIBRARY or SOUNDBIBLE

My bonuses:

IF YOU DRAW OR DESIGN Instead of PHOTOSHOP, try FIREALPACA , SAI , SKETCHBOOK or KRITA (these latter two are great!) Instead of LIGHTROOM, try PHOTOSCAPE

IF YOU MAKE PICTURES MOVE Instead of PREMIERE, try SHOTCUT Instead of ANIMATE/FLASH, try PENCIL2D ANIMATION, LIVE2D, OR E-MOTE

IF YOU NEED STOCK PHOTOS Instead of ADOBE STOCK, try MORGUEFILE.COM

[biggest-gaudiest-poltergeist]

Yo, people with acne

These are hydrocolloid bandages. They work wonders at pulling fluid through skin and absorbing all that gunk. 

You can cut them down to size, wear them on your face at night, and in the morning you’ll see a noticeable difference plus the bandage visibly absorbs the goo and it’s gross but weirdly satisfying.

They’re cheaper than most acne products, they work, and 1 pack lasts for ages. They’re sold in the band-aid section of most pharmacies; try them if you can.

[biggest-gaudiest-poltergeist]

it’s the same stuff they use to make those new acne spot patches, but

medical grade material, absorbs more fluid

much cheaper 

comes in a large size you can trim down. some people use hole punchers to cut out circles to wear during the day. i trim large rectangles to use on problem spots at night

[awheckery]

These are also absolutely game-changing for anybody with a skin-picking problem. This is a judgment-free zone, I’ve Been There, and there are plenty of times I still find myself unable to leave something alone, whether it be a bug bite or a pimple or whathaveyou, because it’s There and I can’t ignore it long enough for it to properly heal.

Hydrocolloids basically act as a scab over the thing you can’t stop bothering, and as Gaud mentions above, they absorb gunk, which makes them bubble up like a little artificial blister. It’s so satisfying, you have something to pokepokepoke at, without actually hecking up the thing healing under the bubble.

These are, hands down, the fastest way to get problem spots under control; you can leave them on for multiple days at a time (up to a week, actually), based on the size, location and severity of your picky spot, so you can slap a hydrocolloid on something minor before it becomes a problem, and four days later or so you peel it off and there is no more problem, just smooth new skin. (They minimize scarring too, in case that’s something anybody else has psychological issues with.)

Basically, these are magical and they’re worth every. single. cent.

[awisekrakens]

well hot damn

have you noticed if they help with old scarring? my picky areas are kind of my entire upper arms, back of neck, and various shoulder regions.

[awheckery]

Yannow what? I have no idea? My instincts say probably not, hydrocolloids help speed up a natural bodily healing process called debridement (DON’T LOOK UP PHOTOS THEY’RE HORRIFYING), so once your body’s finished bombing an area with white blood cells and scar tissue’s formed, I want to say a hydrocolloid won’t do anything.

That being said, there’s another option in the ‘stick a gooey bandage on it and ignore it for a while’ field of treatment, and they’re called “silicone scar sheets.” They’ve been used as a treatment for scarring, both new and old, since the 90’s, and while I can’t personally vouch for their efficacy, apparently they do actually work?

I see ‘em at the pharmacy all the time, and I’ve been too put off by the price to have actually noticed that apparently they’re reusable???

I just learned this in the last thirty minutes, so I’m here like “?????” but more critically, scientists are also like “?????” because despite having been in effective use for thirty-some years, they don’t know how or why silicone gel treatments work. This is honestly hilarious to me and has piqued my contrarian nature, so TELL YA WHAT:

I will run a field test for you! If one box of silicone gel sheets actually is the two-month supply it advertises itself to be, they’re cheaper than an equal volume of hydrocolloids, especially if there’s an equivalent store brand. I’ve got a couple largeish, unlovely surgical scars I wouldn’t mind being rid of, so. Yeah.

I’ll pick up some scar sheets this week and try 'em out, then update you on how that goes. Call me weird, but I won’t recommend something to somebody else unless I have firsthand experience with something, and I have intense opinions about bandaid-type products.

LET’S SEE HOW IT GOES

[biggest-gaudiest-poltergeist]

in my experience, silicone sheets are quite helpful for scars!

i’ve seen studies mention that they probably work by keeping the area continually moist (love that awful word. MOIST.) but no one’s really sure

i’ve noticed the most improvement when using them on new scars for 2 or 3 weeks, but you can still get long-term improvement for months afterwards

the one annoyance i’ve had is some brands don’t stick very well, so you may have to tape over them or try another brand. they also make silicone gel, which is applied like a liquid bandage. there’s less research on the effectiveness of gel, so if you use it, i recommend applying a normal silicone sheet over it (buy the sheet + gel pack if you can).

but yeah, silicone will be especially helpful for newer scars, so apply it sooner rather than later. that said, it should improve the appearance of old scar if worn long enough.

note: silicone sheets are more expensive but can be worn for much longer than hydrocolloid bandages. they don’t absorb gunk and can be wiped off, so there’s nothing preventing you from wearing them for weeks at a time. like hydrocolloid bandages, there are plenty of generic options.

[sincardinality]

[rootbeergoddess]

That is one determined kitty

[princesstigerbelle]

BEST QUALITY

H I S W I G G L E S

[breebird33]

“…Sooooon…” they chant in a low whisper as the last week of August begins…