just me and my thoughts

Or rather, things that occured to me as I left the mormon church. I'm Essie, 21, she/her, queer, and in a happy relationship. Asks are always open, don't hesitate to shoot me a message. Transitions are hard, if you need to talk, I'm here.

[apostatebeau]

Thinking about how difficult it is to move on when there isn’t one single person responsible for what happened to you. There isn’t someone to shout at, to blame, to hold accountable. No single person did anything so terrible that you can focus on to try to obtain justice. It was just everyone, everywhere, doing things and saying things that didn’t stand out as being abusive at the time, and that they believed in their own twisted way were in your best interests.

[legendarynightmare-stuff]

Is anyone else shamed for liking something a lot?

My mom is constantly looking down on me and others for loving things like a t.v. or band too much.

We constantly have church lessons where she asks what things we can put aside to more fully live the gospel.

She's asking me not only to devote every minute of that day to something I do not live, but to give up on something I truly do love.

If I love Avatar the Last Air Bender and quote Zuko more then President Nelson, I should be able to.

If I love Voltron and find more join in reading fix it fics than my scriptures I should be able to.

If I love to listen to Taylor Swift more then hymns, I should be allowed to.

I should be allowed to find joy, community, and happiness in things other than the church.

I shouldn't feel ashamed or guilty for loving things other than church approved doctrine. I shouldn't have to turn my back on things that have actually given me a sense of community. On things I actually love.

It's exhausting to constantly feel guilty for things I shouldn't have to.

[latterdayqueer-inactivate]

For what ever reason you left the church is valid. If you did extensive research of the history or if you didn’t. If you read the scriptures cover to cover or you barely touched it. Even if you left because “someone said something offensive”.

You dont need to prove to anyone why you left. You left for yourself. And that’s enough.

[thoughtsfromcryingonsundays]

I’ve realized more and more growing up that the church didn’t isolate me- it isolated all of us. 

I always assumed I was the only one, considering I was That Girl in young womens classes who didn’t want kids or a temple wedding and all that jazz. 

I assumed I was isolated because I didn’t want what they wanted, I assumed the other girls fit in.

Now that I’m in my twenties and actively out of the church, I’ve watched so many of those “other girls” as they’ve grown up.

These are the girls that have come out to me as bi, pan, or otherwise after I came out publicly. 

These are the girls that have gone to college to study medicine, criminal justice, and many other “unladylike” fields.

These are the girls that left the church around the same time in their lives that I did. Some left angry, some left quiet, and some left just exhausted with it all. 

But we all sat in young womens thinking we were the only ones that didn’t quite fit.

The church isolated us, made us feel like we were the odd ones out. But we never were, and we still aren’t. Wherever you are on your journey with the church, you aren’t alone. You never have been. We’re here for you. 

[thoughtsfromcryingonsundays]

"I don't want kids," I said, eight years old, barely in senior primary.

"Someday, when you're older, you'll understand," they replied.

"I don't want kids," I said, twelve years old, sitting in a young womens' lesson.

"Someday, when you're married, you'll understand," they replied.

"I don't want to get married," I said, sixteen, sitting in sunday school.

"Someday, when you start dating, you'll understand."

"I don't want to date," I said, eighteen, in my new YSA group.

"Someday, when you meet the right boy, you'll understand," they replied.

By the age of twenty, I had convinced myself that I didn't want to date, had no interest in marriage, and would be perfectly content starting my career and living my life on my own with a couple cats and a nice piano.

It was only after I met my current partner that I realized I didn't actually have anything against relationships or marriage at all. I just didn't want to have a baby.

It took me twenty years to realize that my relationships aren't dependent on my fertility.

[shanklinthestabpossum]

Mormonism made me so afraid of relationships and commitment that I didn’t feel comfortable existing until I learned about asexuality at 16 and identified with not wanting to spend my life looking for a man to marry and have kids with so I secretly identified as asexual for 2 years and didn’t worry about dating or trying to find a husband for that entire time.

Then at 18 I was able to deprogram my own internalized homophobia enough to realize I was actually a lesbian who just didn’t want to marry a man and absolutely didn’t want to have to have kids. 

And to think that some people grew up with healthy ideas of relationships that aren’t just “breadwinner and babymaker” with huge power imbalances, finding your other half who you are incomplete without, and being attached to someone for all eternity so you had better learn to forgive every single mistake and slip up or else you’ll be unhappy in your eternal marriage. 

[crazyexmormon]

so many atheists always specify that they aren’t atheist because they’re angry at god, and i understand why they do that and why it’s necessary, but i want to acknowledge the atheists who are angry at god, (or the image of god they grew up with) and rightfully so. 

a being who you reached out to in your darkest moments but they didn’t respond deserves your anger. a deity who you spent years trying so hard to worship only to be rejected once you came out should make you mad. those are human emotions and they are valid. 

sometimes i worry, “what if he is real?” but i’ve decided that whether he’s real or not, a god who ignores me when i need him most is no god of mine

[thoughtsfromcryingonsundays]

"I don't want kids," I said, eight years old, barely in senior primary.

"Someday, when you're older, you'll understand," they replied.

"I don't want kids," I said, twelve years old, sitting in a young womens' lesson.

"Someday, when you're married, you'll understand," they replied.

"I don't want to get married," I said, sixteen, sitting in sunday school.

"Someday, when you start dating, you'll understand."

"I don't want to date," I said, eighteen, in my new YSA group.

"Someday, when you meet the right boy, you'll understand," they replied.

By the age of twenty, I had convinced myself that I didn't want to date, had no interest in marriage, and would be perfectly content starting my career and living my life on my own with a couple cats and a nice piano.

It was only after I met my current partner that I realized I didn't actually have anything against relationships or marriage at all. I just didn't want to have a baby.

It took me twenty years to realize that my relationships aren't dependent on my fertility.

[thoughtsfromcryingonsundays]

The more I think about it the more I realize...

Whenever we talked about modesty in the church as kids it was always the same basic principle. 

“You need to dress modestly because otherwise, you’ll tempt the boys to make bad decisions.”

Some leaders didn’t say it that nicely. 

But regardless- it was never about us. 

It was never “You need to dress modestly because otherwise, a boy might hurt you.”

It was never “You need to dress modestly because otherwise, a boy might rape you.”

No, it was always “You need to dress modestly because otherwise, a boy might hurt/harass/or rape you and then you would have ruined a perfectly good priesthood holder.”

[thoughtsfromcryingonsundays]

Growing up Mormon meant being taught that my virginity was something to be treasured, valued, a possession to be prized.

But in reality now I'm 20 years old, have never dated anyone, and am too terrified of physical or emotional intimacy to try.