Unfuck Yourself

A Journey To Change

[threeamdigital]

This song could be listened to a million times and not get bad.

The whole album has spoken to me. I know the allegations, but music is my lifeline and this album is so god damn relatable for me. I cant turn away.

[threeamdigital]

[threeamdigital]

That drive by smile that might kiss you goodnight❤️

[threeamdigital]

Manic type of night. Going with my feelings.

Funny how the warning signs can feel like the butterflies.

[threeamdigital]

I’ve been having to pretend like this my whole life. I dont know how much more I can pretend.

[threeamdigital]

I fight everyday not to kill myself

[threeamdigital]

Numb your feelings so you can’t cry.

[fairydrowning]

– Virginia Woolf, from a Letter to Violet Dickinson written c. January 1909

[TEXT ID: "I appreciate your concern. None of this is your fault. It's me. It's me and my head. / In winter, I collapse." END ID]

[fairydrowning]

Repeat after me: The brain is an organ and mental illnesses are illnesses of that organ.

[threeamdigital]

Day one or one day.

Today was day one. I slept all day. But I  did go to the gym. I self reflected. I    got a book that I plan to turn into a weight loss journal. 

I self reflected on why I am losing my fucking shit so horribly lately. 

This may be a TW//SA

I drove home and didn't remember where I parked after drinking for hours. why this is happening again has to be explained by something. I know it is dangerous which is why I’m not drinking for a bit. 

I  realized I felt gross about myself, and this happened after I hung out with someone I met at the bar. men never want to be just friends it seems. I have a two bedroom apartment and lived close to the bar so I allowed him and his friend to stay the night. his friend had his gf pick him up. we stayed up chatting and I said multiple times I did not wanna have sex with him. we ended up going to bed and I said again I did not wanna have sex with him, just wanted to sleep. he said “I  have a hard time saying no”. should have been my first hint to kick him out but I was drunk and I am stupid when I am drunk. 

he began to kiss me, I was fine with that, but with my borderline personality disorder. I gave in. we continued to talk for a few days until I started to realize he gave me the ick. so I  blocked him and will avoid. Im not completely blaming him, but men, when a lady says she doesn't want to have sex with you multiple times, you should probably not do it unless she’s sober. 

I started to realize how many times I  have allowed myself to do this. no matter what, this is a form of sexual assault, if they meant to or not. men need to take note on this.

in this I have decided to stop drinking until I go to DC for my friends birthday in February. I will go to therapy again. 

Steps to saving myself and solving the hell I  have been dealing with for roughly two years deep down.

[kerink]

happy new year! let me take the opportunity to cross post my most popular tweet - year in review bingo!

i hate those posts that are like "it's already [month] what have you done with your life" so i made a bingo so you can stop downplaying the significance of your accomplishments

[the-healing-mindset]

Goodness knows I needed to see this today. I hope everything is well with all of you.

Source: SourceMessages

[threeamdigital]

When you’re in Cali visiting a friend and their parking space calls you out.

Thanks Burbank PD.

[sicksadstar]

you can have an ed at any size, gender, age. skinny, normal, fat. male, female, nonbinary. 8, 16, 19, 40. it doesnt matter. anybody can a have a ed

[threeamdigital]

I never knew that I could binge eat without purging. I didn’t know this was a disorder because society makes you feel like its just “fat” and you need to stop eating. I didn’t notice my disordered eating until I started losing weight. The fear of gaining it back made me make irrational choices and eventually with covid and depression, the binging came back. I have now gained all my weight loss back, but tomorrow I will begin the journey to fixing my habits and getting myself healthy again. 

[threeamdigital]

I relate to Halsey’s music on so many different levels. Manic has been my favorite album and I Hate Everybody and 3AM describes my entire being. Before my diagnoses I just thought my actions were normal. The falling in love at any point of attention, the thought if they love me, i’m good enough for myself to love, the complete dissociation and delusions of everything, the inability to be alone, calling anyone at all hours when I was drunk leaving the bar because I just needed someone to show me they wanted me. The outrageous bursts toward friends and loved ones, and unrealistic expectations of these people because I was so good to them. The constant fear of losing ones close to me. This was all normal behavior until I realized it was not. 

“My insecurities are hurting me, someone please come and flirt with me, I really need a mirror that'll come along and tell me that I’m fine, I do it every time, I    keep on hanging on the line, ignoring every warning sign, come on and make me feel alright again”.

[threeamdigital]

Welcome

Welcome to the journey of unfucking my life. A lot has changed since I started and forgot about this. Covid bankrupted the airline I worked for, I went to nursing school during covid, I was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder, I moved from New York to Austin, Texas. 

In between, I got my heartbroken three times, each one differently and more tragically. I gained all the weight I lost back. I got severely depressed. My drinking increased, my spending increased, my binge eating is out of control, anything to make me feel. 

This was suggested to me by someone to help with this journey, as somewhat of a journal, and to find people who have some of the same experiences. 

So, welcome to this new part of life. Im tired of the same cycle and I am determined to get back to the point I was at when I was flying, without flying. The happiness, that freeness, that love of myself and the world. 

Time to form new habits.

[threeamdigital]

Sour apple but you taste so sweet

Halsey